Ariel: The very best of the best finishes of these trilogies ever!
Sasha: I'm definitely not arguing with that.
Ariel: Wuh-uh-OW!
Sasha: People should pull their spoiler blankets over their heads because there's no way we can talk about this without spoiling tons of stuff.
Ariel: Get two blankets.
Sasha: Well, that may be going a little overb-
Ariel: A big fluffy comforter too!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: And a duvet cover. With a duvet in it.
Sasha: So --
Ariel: Plus some quilts!
Sasha: Are you done yet?
Ariel: We could do this all night!
Sasha: Not so sure about that ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm just very excited about this movie!
Sasha: Well, me too, but I don't expect people to empty out Bed, Bath and Beyond putting blankets over themselves to avoid spoilers!
Ariel: You should have spelled it Bed, Bath, and 8eyond.
Sasha: Groan.
Ariel: I just want to make sure we don't spoil anything for anybody because there's soooo much great stuff in this movie.
Sasha: Okay, that I'll agree with. Also, people who'd like to start at the start of our Star Wars experiences can look at the link box over on the right of the page! Now what should we talk about first?
Ariel: I think we need to figure out what to call it? Episode Icks?
Sasha: That sounds like, "Ick, we don't like it."
Ariel: Um ... Episode I Before X Except After Sex?
Sasha: I was with you up until the "sex" part ...
Ariel: That's what she said! No, wait, I don't know anybody who ever said that.
Sasha: It's just not very Star Warsy. I mean, I don't remember any sex in any of the eleven movies or eight episodes of The Mandalorian we've watched.
Ariel: The green tentacle-head girl did flash her boob in Episode VI - Everybody Gets A Little Stupid.
Sasha: I don't know if a one-bazillionth-of-a-second boob flash counts as sex. That's really a stretch.
Ariel: I Before X Except After Stretch?
Sasha: Now you're just being silly.
Ariel: I Before X Except After Dex. Like Dexter Jettster.
Sasha: Who?
Ariel: Sexy Jesus's friend. You know, Butt-Scratching Diner-Lizard.
Sasha: Oh, right. Kind of obscure, and also I just realized that's an awfully long nickname for the episode. I'm not saying that every time.
Ariel: "Episode Fine."
Sasha: Well ...
Ariel: Oh, come on! What's wrong with that one?
Sasha: It's ambiguous -- like, some people might think of fine like fine wine, others might think we mean, "How was it? Eh, it was fine."
Ariel: Episode Niiiice, then.
Sasha: That one.
Ariel: Whew!
Sasha: So what did you think was so great about it? General stuff first?
Ariel: I have an urgent message for General Stuff!
Sasha: Haha, no, really.
Ariel: It was. So. Emotional. I cried so much in this movie!
Sasha: I could hear you sniffling the whole last half.
Ariel: I couldn't help it! And you're not pretending you didn't cry too, are you?
Sasha: No, I definitely did at things like when Cinnabon-Hair Girl sacrifices herself to reach her son, and then when he sacrifices himself later for Sunshine Rey. You know ... the parts where you were out-and-out blubbering.
Ariel: I didn't blubber! Did I?
Sasha: Well, I kind of felt like the whole theater was staring at us when Shiny Butler-Bot was about to get brain-wiped and said goodbye to his friends.
Ariel: Was I really crying that loud?
Sasha: No, I think it was more the way you said, "Please dear god does anybody have any tissues?!?"
Ariel: I did not say that!
Sasha: Well, you might as well have. The theater guys had to get a "wet floor" sign to put in front of your seat after the movie was done.
Ariel: Someone behind me spilled a drink!
Sasha: Aers, we were in the back row.
Ariel: Whatever.
Sasha: Maybe instead of pouting let's get back to the movie? You were just talking about Shiny Butler-Bot.
Ariel: OMG, he was so funny in this one! It scared me so much that he was getting his memory erased and then it turned out he was totally himself just with amnesia! Hil-larious!
Sasha: I loved every second he was on the screen. Not enough Rolling Bleepster, though.
Ariel: Well, you can't have everything. And there were three whole movies where Shiny Butler-Bot was kinda lame and Rolling Bleepster kicked patootie, so maybe this is just evening things out.
Sasha: True. What did you think about Han Ghosto?
Ariel: I can't talk about it. Where are those tissues?
Sasha: I thought his scene was Hannntastic.
Ariel: Boo! Now you're really trying to make me cry.
Sasha: But seriously, it made the scene on the bridge from two movies ago about ten times better, and that scene was already good. Plus, after all the times in the older movies where they said, "I love you," and then "I know," it was sooo perfect when they ended that scene with him saying, "I know" to his son.
Ariel: (blubbering)
Sasha: Okay, here's a hankie!
Ariel: (Louder Blubbering)
Sasha: What now?
Ariel: You said Han-kie!
Sasha: *sigh*
Ariel: Just give me a minute.
Sasha: This is getting out of hand.
Ariel: WAAAAH!!!
Sasha: (facepalm)
Ariel: (blubbering)
Sasha: I'll wait.
Ariel: (sniffles)
Sasha: Can we go on now?
Ariel: Only if you talk about a happy part.
Sasha: What did you think about the new characters?
Ariel: Now that was just weird. It's the last movie in a nine-movie series, what are they doing introducing all these new characters? Like three new characters at least.
Sasha: More than that. There was the chick with the head like an old-timey car fender.
Ariel: And Shiny Butler-Bot's oldest friend Babu Frik.
Sasha: The dude who was weirdly into that whole Holdo Maneuver thing.
Ariel: Stormtrooper lady. Was that all?
Sasha: I think for good guys. But there was that new General dude on the bad-guy side.
Ariel: Honestly, I don't know why either Kamikazi Fanboy or Stormtrooper Lady couldn't have been stuff for Rose to do. Or why General Rando Whymaihere wasn't Captain Chrome-chick from the last two movies
Sasha: Ooh, that would have been good. Captain Chrome-chick gets promoted over General Sux which pisses him off even more than he already was, so that's part of why he's the spy, and then when he gets offed, it's by a character we know and care about instead of Random Dude Selected to Kill a Major Bad Guy. As far as the other stuff ... I'm not a big Rose fan, so I'm like, eh, whatever. I mean, she's very nice and all. I just don't click with her.
Ariel: She was so important in the last movie, though!
Sasha: True. But in Episode II, Better Bad Guy and Better Bad Guy's Boss were really big deals, and then in Episode Ai-Yai-Yai, Better Bad Guy wasn't even there, and Better Bad Guy's Boss got de-headed in the first five minutes. So it's not like some rule that characters from second movies need to be a big deal in third movies.
Ariel: Well, it would have been kind of hard for Better Bad Guy to be there since he got de-headed himself in the second movie.
Sasha: I guess ... if these movies weren't pretty jam-packed with dead folks showing back up.
Ariel: Only the Force-powered ones, not shiny-suited mercenaries like Better Bad Guy.
Sasha: Um, there were literally millions of that dude. They couldn't have put one in his cool suit?
Ariel: I think his kid kept it and painted it green. Are we still talking about the same movie, though?
Sasha: Kind of not. We should get back on track.
Ariel: More cooool long-distance face-offs between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo, who is back to wearing his helmet a lot in this one.
Sasha: Those two. Wow. You pretty much can't go wrong putting them on the screen together, can you?
Ariel: Not that I've noticed!
Sasha: And all that stuff between them at the end ...
Ariel: Let's not go there. My sob-rag is already soaked.
Sasha: How about Big Space Politician AKA the Emperor AKA Zombie Palpatine?
Ariel: Zombietine. Or the Undeadperor. So creepy! I have to say the actor is super versatile too.
Sasha: How so?
Ariel: Well, he can play a nice space politician, or an evil space politician, or an evil space-wizard politician, or an evil space-wizard politician with a messed-up face, or a zombie evil space-wizard politician, all equally well!
Sasha: I liked the fact that in all three third movies, he was an evil space-wizard politician.
Ariel: Nice point! I don't know if I liked Sunshine Rey being his granddaughter, though.
Sasha: I did! It took the message of, doesn't matter if you're from nowhere and added to it to say it doesn't even matter if you're from somewhere that ought to make you bad. You can still be a hero as long as you decide to do the right thing.
Ariel: I was more thinking, who was dating Mister Melty-Face that ended up having his kid? I mean, there must have been a whole lot of swiping left on his profile before someone finally swiped right.
Sasha: I'm sure he used his picture from before Bald Toughie melted his face.
Ariel: Oh, that's right. He's evil, so that's exactly the kind of thing he'd do.
Sasha: Were you glad to see Oldo Lando come back?
Ariel: You mean Really Oldo Lando! Sure, although I still like the actor from Solo better than this guy. Also, since he came back, I was really hoping he'd find a way to fix Elle 3 and get her out of the spaceship computer, but no such luck.
Sasha: That would've been kind of a lot to cram in.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Speaking of a lot to cram in ... how much more do we have that we want to say about this one?
Ariel: Well ... it's getting pretty late and we've covered a lot already. Maybe just that this was a really good ending to the whole nine movies. We got to say goodbye to all three main characters from the middle trilogy (sniff), and we got to hear the voices of lots of Jedi from the first trilogy, and it was exciting and funny and I laughed a lot and cried a lot, and it was just plain all-around wonderful.
Sasha: I also liked how when Ghost Teen Hottie was talking at the end, he was still all about himself, like, "Hey, Rey, rise up and be awesome, like me!"
Ariel: So true ...
Sasha: Do you think they're going to make any more of these movies? I mean, they've said they're not making any more Skywalker Saga ones, but I sure would hate to never see Sunshine Rey again.
Ariel: Maybe she'll get a Disney Plus show.
Sasha: Well if it's as good as the Mandalorian, that would be fantastic.
Ariel: Oh boy. The Mandalorian ... are we going to write more about that one now that the season is over?
Sasha: Not tonight!
Ariel: Definitely not. Okay, then, everybody out there can dig their way out from under that giant pile of blankets and stuff now.
Sasha: Um, pretty sure if they put on their spoiler bedding megastore, they're not reading anymore to know they can take it off.
Ariel: Yikes! I hope I didn't suffocate any of them!
Sasha: I'm sure they're fine.
Ariel: So it did end up being Episode Fine!
Sasha: Sure, let's go with that.
Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight everybody, and may the Force be with you!
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Thursday, December 19, 2019
Ariel and Sasha Experience ... The Last Jedi!
Ariel: Okay.
Sasha: Okay.
Ariel: Okay, then.
Sasha: Yes, okay. Are you ready?
Ariel: I hope so!
Sasha:Aannnd ...
Ariel: Please don't hate us, but we liked this movie!
Sasha: It's true. We liked it a lot.
Ariel: And we've heard that not only do some people not like it, they don't like it so much, they're mean to other people when they find out the other people like it.
Sasha: Which I would totally call b.s. on if our source for this information wasn't pretty good.
Ariel: Unimpeachable!
Sasha: Careful. That's another word that apparently heats up the conversation these days.
Ariel: Sigh. Why are people so mean?
Sasha: I'm guessing some of it is the whole "forget the past" business Helm Solo keeps going on about in this film.
Ariel: Haha, "Helm Solo!" Of course, he doesn't wear his helmet much in this one.
Sasha: Just enough so I could use the nickname, and I'm sticking with it.
Ariel: Holy moly, I just realized since we skipped the last movie we have a whole crew of new characters to nickname!
Sasha: Maybe we shouldn't have skipped it, because I just realized Helm Solo's dad could have been called "Han So-Old" in the last movie.
Ariel: Oh wow. We're going to have to go back at some point because that's too much of a lost opportunity.
Sasha: Maybe after we see the new one today.
Ariel: o ... M ... G!!! Do not remind me because I so can't wait!
Sasha: Only you have to.
Ariel: Aaagh!
Sasha: But while we're waiting we can talk about the Last Jedi, right?
Ariel: Or about what a bummer it is people don't like it.
Sasha: Ehh. That's not the bummer, because people don't like every Star Wars movie.
Ariel: True. We weren't big fans of Episode Ai-Yai-Yai.
Sasha: Or Re-Teddy-Bear of the Jedi.
Ariel: But we didn't hate them. Or hate people who like them.
Sasha: The whole hating bit is so weird.
Ariel: It's like, almost every one of these movies has somebody saying, "Look guys, hating is bad. Don't do it." And then these people who say they're giganto fans of the movies are all, "GROWLLL!!! I HATE THIS MOVIE AND THE GUY WHO DIRECTED IT AND I THINK EVERYBODY WHO LIKES IT IS A BONEHEAD!!!"
Sasha: Kind of makes them sound like big babies who don't understand the point of the movies.
Ariel: Right?
Sasha: Only I don't want to lay into them too hard or I'll start sounding just like they do.
Ariel: Except girlier, because they're all dudes.
Sasha: SO totally weird! These guys go around insisting that this movie is terrible on every level, but girl fans don't seem to be nearly as bothered by it.
Ariel: Yeah! And the hater dudes don't notice there aren't any women jumping all over it the same way. You'd think that would clue them in that they are taking an extreme position.
Sasha: Sure, if people taking extreme positions ever got clued in about it. But I'm not sure being able to analyze whether you're being extreme is a quality most extreme people have.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Yeesh. Okay, let's just talk about the movie, because this stuff is giving me a stomach ache.
Ariel: Oh no! Your poor tum-tums!
Sasha: I think I'll be fine once we get going on what a good movie this was.
Ariel: The best! I mean, maybe not literally the best, because I think Episode Ivy kinda stuck that landing. But very best-like.
Sasha: What did you like about it so much?
Ariel: First off, I know she didn't appear in this one first, but Rey is is so super-awesome in this movie.
Sasha: Not quite as sunshine-y as she was in the last movie.
Ariel: No, but still sunshine-y enough, even on that rainy cloudy island. I mean, so many things happen to her that would just bust most people, but she keeps hold of her sunny attitude anyway.
Sasha: Do you think that's why they called her "Rey"?
Ariel: Ooh! I bet you're right!
Sasha: She pretty much just won't quit.
Ariel: Unlike Farmboy Luke. Although he's not much of a farmboy any more.
Sasha: A little on the old side to be called a boy.
Ariel: He does milk some sea cows though.
Sasha: Maybe we can call him Lactose Luke.
Ariel: Luketose.
Sasha: Yes!
Ariel: He's a downer through a lot of this movie.
Sasha: Dairy-wise, I'd call him sour cream.
Ariel: It was sad at the start to see how he'd given up.
Sasha: Not that big a surprise, though. I mean, he gave up three different times in Re-Teddy Bear of the Jedi. First to the teddy bears, then to Darth Vader, then to Emperor Prunepatine when he throws down his lightsaber at the end.
Ariel: He does do a lot of quitting in those old movies. I mean, on his way to not quitting.
Sasha: That's what makes him so great! He's waaaay less of an optimist than Sunshine Rey, but he always comes round and does the right thing and wins.
Ariel: And in such a BIG way this movie!
Sasha: Yep. He made Helm Solo look like a doof from halfway across the galaxy, he saved everybody, and personally, I think he was helping out when Sunshine Rey was moving all those rocks out of the way.
Ariel: She did look kinda surprised that it worked so well.
Sasha: And even while he's being mister sour cream, bits of Farmboy Luke still float to the top now and then.
Ariel: Like when he sees the Rolling Bleepster the first time!
Sasha: And when he tells Sunshine Rey her homeworld is pretty much nowhere.
Ariel: And when he whacks her with the big blade of grass.
Sasha: Sort of a grasssaber instead of a lightsaber.
Ariel: Haha, yes!
Sasha: Good times.
Ariel: I also looooved all the Force phone call scenes between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo.
Sasha: "Do you have a cowl or something you could put on?"
Ariel: Haha! And then when they're in the hut and she's trying to make him turn good again ... I was like, "That's not going to work really is it? He's so bad!"
Sasha: Which, you were right. It didn't work.
Ariel: OMG, but the other "That's not going to work really" moment was even better. When he was turning the lightsaber on the arm of Leader Supreme's chair ...
Sasha: I know! I was thinking, "No way. No way would they kill off the big bad guy like that!" But they did!
Ariel: It was awesome. Plus, that guy was terrible.
Sasha: A real jerk.
Ariel: Who put him in charge?
Sasha: Probably he put himself in charge. I think that's how most jerks get in charge.
Ariel: I am thankfully ignorant about most details of how jerks work.
Sasha: Me too. What else do we need to talk about?
Ariel: Porgs!
Sasha: Hahaha, "Squaaawk!"
Ariel: Baby Yoda beats porgs for cuteness, but it's close.
Sasha: Even poor Shower-Buddy Monkey couldn't resist them.
Ariel: Oh! Speaking of Shower-Buddy Monkey, he is awesome in this movie too!
Sasha: I love when Sunshine Rey is trying to figure out what he should tell Effin' Stormtrooper if he sees him, and Shower-Buddy Monkey comes up with the right think to say before she does.
Ariel: Lots of respect for Shower-Buddy Monkey in this movie.
Sasha: For sure. Okay, are we done?
Ariel: Probably not, but if we don't wrap it up, we'll just keep talking and miss the movie tonight!
Sasha: Yeah, we do have a lot of getting ready to do. What are you going as again?
Ariel: It's a secret. "Squaaawk!" Haha! How about you?
Sasha: I still haven't got a costume put together. I may just have to borrow one of the B.F.'s Star Wars t-shirts.
Ariel: He does have a lot of them to spare.
Sasha: Practically half the closet.
Ariel: You'd better start trying to pick one!
Sasha: Okay, off we go.
Ariel and Sasha: Bye everybody!
Sasha: Okay.
Ariel: Okay, then.
Sasha: Yes, okay. Are you ready?
Ariel: I hope so!
Sasha:Aannnd ...
Ariel: Please don't hate us, but we liked this movie!
Sasha: It's true. We liked it a lot.
Ariel: And we've heard that not only do some people not like it, they don't like it so much, they're mean to other people when they find out the other people like it.
Sasha: Which I would totally call b.s. on if our source for this information wasn't pretty good.
Ariel: Unimpeachable!
Sasha: Careful. That's another word that apparently heats up the conversation these days.
Ariel: Sigh. Why are people so mean?
Sasha: I'm guessing some of it is the whole "forget the past" business Helm Solo keeps going on about in this film.
Ariel: Haha, "Helm Solo!" Of course, he doesn't wear his helmet much in this one.
Sasha: Just enough so I could use the nickname, and I'm sticking with it.
Ariel: Holy moly, I just realized since we skipped the last movie we have a whole crew of new characters to nickname!
Sasha: Maybe we shouldn't have skipped it, because I just realized Helm Solo's dad could have been called "Han So-Old" in the last movie.
Ariel: Oh wow. We're going to have to go back at some point because that's too much of a lost opportunity.
Sasha: Maybe after we see the new one today.
Ariel: o ... M ... G!!! Do not remind me because I so can't wait!
Sasha: Only you have to.
Ariel: Aaagh!
Sasha: But while we're waiting we can talk about the Last Jedi, right?
Ariel: Or about what a bummer it is people don't like it.
Sasha: Ehh. That's not the bummer, because people don't like every Star Wars movie.
Ariel: True. We weren't big fans of Episode Ai-Yai-Yai.
Sasha: Or Re-Teddy-Bear of the Jedi.
Ariel: But we didn't hate them. Or hate people who like them.
Sasha: The whole hating bit is so weird.
Ariel: It's like, almost every one of these movies has somebody saying, "Look guys, hating is bad. Don't do it." And then these people who say they're giganto fans of the movies are all, "GROWLLL!!! I HATE THIS MOVIE AND THE GUY WHO DIRECTED IT AND I THINK EVERYBODY WHO LIKES IT IS A BONEHEAD!!!"
Sasha: Kind of makes them sound like big babies who don't understand the point of the movies.
Ariel: Right?
Sasha: Only I don't want to lay into them too hard or I'll start sounding just like they do.
Ariel: Except girlier, because they're all dudes.
Sasha: SO totally weird! These guys go around insisting that this movie is terrible on every level, but girl fans don't seem to be nearly as bothered by it.
Ariel: Yeah! And the hater dudes don't notice there aren't any women jumping all over it the same way. You'd think that would clue them in that they are taking an extreme position.
Sasha: Sure, if people taking extreme positions ever got clued in about it. But I'm not sure being able to analyze whether you're being extreme is a quality most extreme people have.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Yeesh. Okay, let's just talk about the movie, because this stuff is giving me a stomach ache.
Ariel: Oh no! Your poor tum-tums!
Sasha: I think I'll be fine once we get going on what a good movie this was.
Ariel: The best! I mean, maybe not literally the best, because I think Episode Ivy kinda stuck that landing. But very best-like.
Sasha: What did you like about it so much?
Ariel: First off, I know she didn't appear in this one first, but Rey is is so super-awesome in this movie.
Sasha: Not quite as sunshine-y as she was in the last movie.
Ariel: No, but still sunshine-y enough, even on that rainy cloudy island. I mean, so many things happen to her that would just bust most people, but she keeps hold of her sunny attitude anyway.
Sasha: Do you think that's why they called her "Rey"?
Ariel: Ooh! I bet you're right!
Sasha: She pretty much just won't quit.
Ariel: Unlike Farmboy Luke. Although he's not much of a farmboy any more.
Sasha: A little on the old side to be called a boy.
Ariel: He does milk some sea cows though.
Sasha: Maybe we can call him Lactose Luke.
Ariel: Luketose.
Sasha: Yes!
Ariel: He's a downer through a lot of this movie.
Sasha: Dairy-wise, I'd call him sour cream.
Ariel: It was sad at the start to see how he'd given up.
Sasha: Not that big a surprise, though. I mean, he gave up three different times in Re-Teddy Bear of the Jedi. First to the teddy bears, then to Darth Vader, then to Emperor Prunepatine when he throws down his lightsaber at the end.
Ariel: He does do a lot of quitting in those old movies. I mean, on his way to not quitting.
Sasha: That's what makes him so great! He's waaaay less of an optimist than Sunshine Rey, but he always comes round and does the right thing and wins.
Ariel: And in such a BIG way this movie!
Sasha: Yep. He made Helm Solo look like a doof from halfway across the galaxy, he saved everybody, and personally, I think he was helping out when Sunshine Rey was moving all those rocks out of the way.
Ariel: She did look kinda surprised that it worked so well.
Sasha: And even while he's being mister sour cream, bits of Farmboy Luke still float to the top now and then.
Ariel: Like when he sees the Rolling Bleepster the first time!
Sasha: And when he tells Sunshine Rey her homeworld is pretty much nowhere.
Ariel: And when he whacks her with the big blade of grass.
Sasha: Sort of a grasssaber instead of a lightsaber.
Ariel: Haha, yes!
Sasha: Good times.
Ariel: I also looooved all the Force phone call scenes between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo.
Sasha: "Do you have a cowl or something you could put on?"
Ariel: Haha! And then when they're in the hut and she's trying to make him turn good again ... I was like, "That's not going to work really is it? He's so bad!"
Sasha: Which, you were right. It didn't work.
Ariel: OMG, but the other "That's not going to work really" moment was even better. When he was turning the lightsaber on the arm of Leader Supreme's chair ...
Sasha: I know! I was thinking, "No way. No way would they kill off the big bad guy like that!" But they did!
Ariel: It was awesome. Plus, that guy was terrible.
Sasha: A real jerk.
Ariel: Who put him in charge?
Sasha: Probably he put himself in charge. I think that's how most jerks get in charge.
Ariel: I am thankfully ignorant about most details of how jerks work.
Sasha: Me too. What else do we need to talk about?
Ariel: Porgs!
Sasha: Hahaha, "Squaaawk!"
Ariel: Baby Yoda beats porgs for cuteness, but it's close.
Sasha: Even poor Shower-Buddy Monkey couldn't resist them.
Ariel: Oh! Speaking of Shower-Buddy Monkey, he is awesome in this movie too!
Sasha: I love when Sunshine Rey is trying to figure out what he should tell Effin' Stormtrooper if he sees him, and Shower-Buddy Monkey comes up with the right think to say before she does.
Ariel: Lots of respect for Shower-Buddy Monkey in this movie.
Sasha: For sure. Okay, are we done?
Ariel: Probably not, but if we don't wrap it up, we'll just keep talking and miss the movie tonight!
Sasha: Yeah, we do have a lot of getting ready to do. What are you going as again?
Ariel: It's a secret. "Squaaawk!" Haha! How about you?
Sasha: I still haven't got a costume put together. I may just have to borrow one of the B.F.'s Star Wars t-shirts.
Ariel: He does have a lot of them to spare.
Sasha: Practically half the closet.
Ariel: You'd better start trying to pick one!
Sasha: Okay, off we go.
Ariel and Sasha: Bye everybody!
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Ariel and Sasha Experience ... The Mandalorian!
Sasha: Hi, everybody! Recently, someone put in a request for us to review The Mandalorian. Obviously, the first thing for us to say is --
Ariel: There's a baby Yoda!
Sasha: Well, I was kind of thinking we ought to give people our standard blanket spoiler warning.
Ariel: Normally I'd agree but if that news spoils something for somebody it's because they never ever ever at all look at the internet, which means they're not actually reading this now, so it didn't actually spoil anything, and also THERE'S A BABY YODA.
Sasha: Okay, okay. Let's go ahead and cut to the chase then and you can tell us how you feel about Baby Yoda.
Ariel: He's a baby! And. He. Looks. Like. YODA.
Sasha: Weren't you just saying last time you have mixed feelings about Yoda? I mean, usually we don't even use his real name.
Ariel: Yes, but no one would understand how cute he was if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad.
Sasha: Maybe they would understand because they've already seen his picture a gazillion times in memes all over social media?
Ariel: Sort of, but it would make it way harder for me to express how cute he is. Like, if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad, I couldn't make it sound like this: BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!
Sasha: That's certainly true.
Ariel: Baby Yoda.
Sasha: Um ... I don't know if this is what they meant when they said they were looking forward to us reviewing The Mandalorian.
Ariel: Probably not, but Baby Yoda.
Sasha: It's, you know, a Star Wars show about a bounty hunter ...
Ariel: And a Baby Yoda.
Sasha: ... with lots of action, and really good special effects ...
Ariel: OMG, the Baby Yoda puppet. It is The Best Special Effect Ever.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry. Go ahead.
Sasha: I think pretty much the whole universe agrees that it's obviously being made by people who have a major love of Star Wars --
Ariel: Which should be everybody! I mean, how could you not love something with Baby Yoda in it?
Sasha: I give up. Yes, Baby Yoda is adorable.
Ariel: I know, right???
Sasha: The cutest thing I have ever seen, maybe.
Ariel: Well ... I wouldn't say that.
Sasha: You wouldn't?
Ariel: Of course not, duh! Why would I say "maybe"?
Sasha: Oh. I get it.
Ariel: Baby Yoda is DEFINITELY the cutest thing I have ever seen!
Sasha: I said I got it, didn't I?
Ariel: Yes. Sorry. Am I getting too carried away with this?
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I said I was sorry already, didn't I? I can't help it. I'm sorry.
Sasha: All right, thank you.
Ariel: He's just sooooo cute!!!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry! Please, really, go on!
Sasha: (takes a breath)
Ariel: baby yoda
Sasha: We'll see you next time, folks.
Ariel: There's a baby Yoda!
Sasha: Well, I was kind of thinking we ought to give people our standard blanket spoiler warning.
Ariel: Normally I'd agree but if that news spoils something for somebody it's because they never ever ever at all look at the internet, which means they're not actually reading this now, so it didn't actually spoil anything, and also THERE'S A BABY YODA.
Sasha: Okay, okay. Let's go ahead and cut to the chase then and you can tell us how you feel about Baby Yoda.
Ariel: He's a baby! And. He. Looks. Like. YODA.
Sasha: Weren't you just saying last time you have mixed feelings about Yoda? I mean, usually we don't even use his real name.
Ariel: Yes, but no one would understand how cute he was if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad.
Sasha: Maybe they would understand because they've already seen his picture a gazillion times in memes all over social media?
Ariel: Sort of, but it would make it way harder for me to express how cute he is. Like, if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad, I couldn't make it sound like this: BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!
Sasha: That's certainly true.
Ariel: Baby Yoda.
Sasha: Um ... I don't know if this is what they meant when they said they were looking forward to us reviewing The Mandalorian.
Ariel: Probably not, but Baby Yoda.
Sasha: It's, you know, a Star Wars show about a bounty hunter ...
Ariel: And a Baby Yoda.
Sasha: ... with lots of action, and really good special effects ...
Ariel: OMG, the Baby Yoda puppet. It is The Best Special Effect Ever.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry. Go ahead.
Sasha: I think pretty much the whole universe agrees that it's obviously being made by people who have a major love of Star Wars --
Ariel: Which should be everybody! I mean, how could you not love something with Baby Yoda in it?
Sasha: I give up. Yes, Baby Yoda is adorable.
Ariel: I know, right???
Sasha: The cutest thing I have ever seen, maybe.
Ariel: Well ... I wouldn't say that.
Sasha: You wouldn't?
Ariel: Of course not, duh! Why would I say "maybe"?
Sasha: Oh. I get it.
Ariel: Baby Yoda is DEFINITELY the cutest thing I have ever seen!
Sasha: I said I got it, didn't I?
Ariel: Yes. Sorry. Am I getting too carried away with this?
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I said I was sorry already, didn't I? I can't help it. I'm sorry.
Sasha: All right, thank you.
Ariel: He's just sooooo cute!!!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry! Please, really, go on!
Sasha: (takes a breath)
Ariel: baby yoda
Sasha: We'll see you next time, folks.
Saturday, December 7, 2019
Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Finishing Another Star Wars Trilogy!
Sasha: Okay. That's eight movies and two trilogies down, only two more movies to go before we're ready for the new movie later this month!
Ariel: Whew, it's a lot of movies. I'm glad we're not trying to watch all those shows in order first too!
Sasha: So many shows now that we have Disney+!
Ariel: Literally all the shows.
Sasha: All the Star Wars shows, you mean.
Ariel: How was that not obvious?
Sasha: Just checking.
Ariel: You know what else is obvious? We're starting to really pile up a lot of these Star Wars experiences!
Sasha: Yes! I even made a link list over on the right so people could read them in order if they want to.
Ariel: You're amazing. All our three fans will love you for that.
Sasha: Thanks!
Ariel: So what's our take on these last two movies in the "Original Trilogy," as I am told people call it?
Sasha: Liked them, didn't love them.
Ariel: Yeah, kinda me too. Star Wars: Empiresode V - Here Comes More Bad Advice From Wise Old Gnome-Toad was pretty good, but Star Wars: Episode VI - Everybody Goes a Little Stupid had some issues.
Sasha: Lots of good Shiny Butler Bot and Rolling Bleepster in both of them, though.
Ariel: Yes. Those guys rock.
Sasha: Also a pretty good job by this new guy playing Lando. He got the character's way of speaking right on the nose from how he talked in Solo ... at least most of the time.
Ariel: A little smarmier, though.
Sasha: Yeah, I would definitely hop on Solo Lando a lot quicker than I'd go for Oldo Lando.
Ariel: Oldo Lando should have kept the beard.
Sasha: I agree.
Ariel: It was also a way downhill slide for Han Solo. I mean, Solo Solo was awesome and funny, and then Grump Solo from Episode Ivy was still pretty funny --
Sasha: If grumpy.
Ariel: Yeah, and then Always-In-A-Jam Solo from Empiresode V made some good progress back toward Solo Solo. But ... in the last movie, I don't even know what to call him.
Sasha: He was so lame and hammy!
Ariel: Ham Solo.
Sasha: Watch! I'm in a forest trying to sneak up on a guy and oops! I didn't think there might be sticks on the ground!
Ariel: Also, when in charge of an ultra-important sabotage mission, I'm not going to have anybody bring walkie-talkies or anything.
Sasha: Walkie-talkies! Those would have helped so much.
Ariel: Plus, I'm going to not take these little furry guys seriously because they're little, even when they have a freaking spear pointed right in my face.
Sasha: Dumb and also kinda a little racist. I was almost hoping they would poke him.
Ariel: Ham Solo is pretty tough to love. I don't know what Cinnabon-hair Girl sees in him. At least Always-In-A-Jam Solo kept getting them out of jams.
Sasha: And had hand massage skills.
Ariel: Ooh, right! Maybe I should call him Hand-rub Solo in that movie. It's fewer letters and fewer hyphens to type.
Sasha: You're such a lazy girl.
Ariel: If I was a Star Wars character I'd probably be all fat and immobile like Jabba the Hutt.
Sasha: Ew.
Ariel: But on the plus side, I'd have a really long and maneuverable tongue!
Sasha: Still not worth it. The slime on that tongue!
Ariel: You've got a point.
Sasha: Thanks. Now where were we?
Ariel: I don't know. We seem to be kind of free-forming it.
Sasha: Do we want to talk about the Hoodie Bears?
Ariel: Ugh, those bears! I was like, could you please be either a little cuter or a lot bearish-er?
Sasha: I thought they were pretty cute.
Ariel: Sure, but the only thing I really believed they were killing was the suspense in the big final battle.
Sasha: That's true. They didn't show much mercy to the sense of tension there.
Ariel: It was like, "We know there have been eight exciting movies of excitement before this (at least their big action finales were always exciting), and you know what would make the stakes seem really really high right now? Teddy bears!"
Sasha: Although I'm pretty sure they had only made two movies before this one, even though we've watched eight.
Ariel: Well that's even worse, because those last two movies had way less cuteness than this one, especially Empiresode V. I mean, honestly, at least Rabbit-Ear Fart Joke Frog Guy from the first couple movies seemed like he was unusually not-threatening for a frog guy. The Hoodie Bears ... how less threatening could you be?
Sasha: I'm not arguing with you, but let's move on. How did you feel about the Wise Old Gnome-Toad in these ones?
Ariel: My emotions were mixed. Maybe even blended or frappéed. On the Episode One hand, he was much funnier when he came back and harassed Farmboy Luke on Swamp Planet. But on the Episode Two hand, he was not as badass by a long shot. Did he not ever make himself another lightsaber after he lost his old one? "Whoops, Big Space Politician kicked my ass, guess I'll never be needing to swordfight anybody ever again."
Sasha: I wondered about that too. But maybe he forgot to bring any tools with him when he left the world's worst maternity ward at the end of Episode Ai-yai-yai.
Ariel: True. And on the Episode Three hand, he and Oldster Jesus already pretty much proved they weren't the dudes to beat Big Space Politician.
Sasha: Right. Even with all that wisdom, Wise Old Gnome-Toad couldn't figure out that Farmboy Luke had the one thing the old-school Jedi didn't have.
Ariel: The hots for his sister?
Sasha: No, not that. I mean actually caring enough about people that he would break the rules to save them.
Ariel: Pretty sure he was ready to break some rules with Cinnabon-hair Girl in Episode Ivy.
Sasha: It did seem that way.
Ariel: So what else do we need to talk about?
Sasha: "I am a Jedi like my father before me."
Ariel: OMG. Best line in any movie ever.
Sasha: I know! Remember how sad we were after Episode Ai-yai-yai when Teen Hottie turned into Darth Vader?
Ariel: That was the worst.
Sasha: But then in the very end, Farmboy Luke reminds him who he really was, and Teen Hottie comes back just long enough to kill Big Space Politician.
Ariel: Well, more like Pale Scarry appears just in time to kill Big Space Politician.
Sasha: Teen Hottie, Pale Scarry, whatever. Just for a little bit he was back to being our hero from the first three movies.
Ariel: And he made up for everything by taking down his boss!
Sasha: Maybe not everything.
Ariel: I guess not the kid killing part.
Sasha: No, pretty hard to make up for that.
Ariel: Or the helping Big Space Politician win the whole war part.
Sasha: Definitely it would have been better if he'd skipped right to killing Big Space Politician at the end of Episode Ai-yai-yai.
Ariel: Also hard to forgive him for probably ordering Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru to be barbecued.
Sasha: Berubecued. But we don't know he actually told the stormtroopers to do that.
Ariel: Haha, Berubecued! That's a good one. Well ... at least until I think about them both all crispy-cooked. Anyway, he was giving the orders in general, and the orders definitely had a "No witnesses!" bit to them.
Sasha: Yeah, I guess that makes him directly responsible even if he didn't know the details of Owen and Beru being included. What did you think about him being there as one of the angels at the end?
Ariel: That part was great! It was like, "Oh, so happy! Everybody's together again!" But also like, "Ha-ha, you guys screwed me over the whole time I was growing up and got my mom and sort of my wife killed because you didn't want to let me have a mom or a wife, and now I get to spend forever looking young and hot while you two are all old-ified and crusty."
Sasha: Good ending, for sure.
Ariel: Is that all, then? I mean, I guess talking about the ending is a good place to finish off.
Sasha: Sure. The end is as good a place to finish off as any, I guess.
Ariel: "That's what she said!"
Sasha: Ugh. I wish you had never learned that joke.
Ariel: Don't worry. I'm sure that's probably the last Star-Wars-related thing I'll try to make sound naughty. It's not like these movies give you a lot to work with as far as double meanings go.
Sasha: Okay. I guess I won't hold this one against you, then.
Ariel: Haha, "That's what --"
Sasha: DON'T!
Ariel: Whew, it's a lot of movies. I'm glad we're not trying to watch all those shows in order first too!
Sasha: So many shows now that we have Disney+!
Ariel: Literally all the shows.
Sasha: All the Star Wars shows, you mean.
Ariel: How was that not obvious?
Sasha: Just checking.
Ariel: You know what else is obvious? We're starting to really pile up a lot of these Star Wars experiences!
Sasha: Yes! I even made a link list over on the right so people could read them in order if they want to.
Ariel: You're amazing. All our three fans will love you for that.
Sasha: Thanks!
Ariel: So what's our take on these last two movies in the "Original Trilogy," as I am told people call it?
Sasha: Liked them, didn't love them.
Ariel: Yeah, kinda me too. Star Wars: Empiresode V - Here Comes More Bad Advice From Wise Old Gnome-Toad was pretty good, but Star Wars: Episode VI - Everybody Goes a Little Stupid had some issues.
Sasha: Lots of good Shiny Butler Bot and Rolling Bleepster in both of them, though.
Ariel: Yes. Those guys rock.
Sasha: Also a pretty good job by this new guy playing Lando. He got the character's way of speaking right on the nose from how he talked in Solo ... at least most of the time.
Ariel: A little smarmier, though.
Sasha: Yeah, I would definitely hop on Solo Lando a lot quicker than I'd go for Oldo Lando.
Ariel: Oldo Lando should have kept the beard.
Sasha: I agree.
Ariel: It was also a way downhill slide for Han Solo. I mean, Solo Solo was awesome and funny, and then Grump Solo from Episode Ivy was still pretty funny --
Sasha: If grumpy.
Ariel: Yeah, and then Always-In-A-Jam Solo from Empiresode V made some good progress back toward Solo Solo. But ... in the last movie, I don't even know what to call him.
Sasha: He was so lame and hammy!
Ariel: Ham Solo.
Sasha: Watch! I'm in a forest trying to sneak up on a guy and oops! I didn't think there might be sticks on the ground!
Ariel: Also, when in charge of an ultra-important sabotage mission, I'm not going to have anybody bring walkie-talkies or anything.
Sasha: Walkie-talkies! Those would have helped so much.
Ariel: Plus, I'm going to not take these little furry guys seriously because they're little, even when they have a freaking spear pointed right in my face.
Sasha: Dumb and also kinda a little racist. I was almost hoping they would poke him.
Ariel: Ham Solo is pretty tough to love. I don't know what Cinnabon-hair Girl sees in him. At least Always-In-A-Jam Solo kept getting them out of jams.
Sasha: And had hand massage skills.
Ariel: Ooh, right! Maybe I should call him Hand-rub Solo in that movie. It's fewer letters and fewer hyphens to type.
Sasha: You're such a lazy girl.
Ariel: If I was a Star Wars character I'd probably be all fat and immobile like Jabba the Hutt.
Sasha: Ew.
Ariel: But on the plus side, I'd have a really long and maneuverable tongue!
Sasha: Still not worth it. The slime on that tongue!
Ariel: You've got a point.
Sasha: Thanks. Now where were we?
Ariel: I don't know. We seem to be kind of free-forming it.
Sasha: Do we want to talk about the Hoodie Bears?
Ariel: Ugh, those bears! I was like, could you please be either a little cuter or a lot bearish-er?
Sasha: I thought they were pretty cute.
Ariel: Sure, but the only thing I really believed they were killing was the suspense in the big final battle.
Sasha: That's true. They didn't show much mercy to the sense of tension there.
Ariel: It was like, "We know there have been eight exciting movies of excitement before this (at least their big action finales were always exciting), and you know what would make the stakes seem really really high right now? Teddy bears!"
Sasha: Although I'm pretty sure they had only made two movies before this one, even though we've watched eight.
Ariel: Well that's even worse, because those last two movies had way less cuteness than this one, especially Empiresode V. I mean, honestly, at least Rabbit-Ear Fart Joke Frog Guy from the first couple movies seemed like he was unusually not-threatening for a frog guy. The Hoodie Bears ... how less threatening could you be?
Sasha: I'm not arguing with you, but let's move on. How did you feel about the Wise Old Gnome-Toad in these ones?
Ariel: My emotions were mixed. Maybe even blended or frappéed. On the Episode One hand, he was much funnier when he came back and harassed Farmboy Luke on Swamp Planet. But on the Episode Two hand, he was not as badass by a long shot. Did he not ever make himself another lightsaber after he lost his old one? "Whoops, Big Space Politician kicked my ass, guess I'll never be needing to swordfight anybody ever again."
Sasha: I wondered about that too. But maybe he forgot to bring any tools with him when he left the world's worst maternity ward at the end of Episode Ai-yai-yai.
Ariel: True. And on the Episode Three hand, he and Oldster Jesus already pretty much proved they weren't the dudes to beat Big Space Politician.
Sasha: Right. Even with all that wisdom, Wise Old Gnome-Toad couldn't figure out that Farmboy Luke had the one thing the old-school Jedi didn't have.
Ariel: The hots for his sister?
Sasha: No, not that. I mean actually caring enough about people that he would break the rules to save them.
Ariel: Pretty sure he was ready to break some rules with Cinnabon-hair Girl in Episode Ivy.
Sasha: It did seem that way.
Ariel: So what else do we need to talk about?
Sasha: "I am a Jedi like my father before me."
Ariel: OMG. Best line in any movie ever.
Sasha: I know! Remember how sad we were after Episode Ai-yai-yai when Teen Hottie turned into Darth Vader?
Ariel: That was the worst.
Sasha: But then in the very end, Farmboy Luke reminds him who he really was, and Teen Hottie comes back just long enough to kill Big Space Politician.
Ariel: Well, more like Pale Scarry appears just in time to kill Big Space Politician.
Sasha: Teen Hottie, Pale Scarry, whatever. Just for a little bit he was back to being our hero from the first three movies.
Ariel: And he made up for everything by taking down his boss!
Sasha: Maybe not everything.
Ariel: I guess not the kid killing part.
Sasha: No, pretty hard to make up for that.
Ariel: Or the helping Big Space Politician win the whole war part.
Sasha: Definitely it would have been better if he'd skipped right to killing Big Space Politician at the end of Episode Ai-yai-yai.
Ariel: Also hard to forgive him for probably ordering Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru to be barbecued.
Sasha: Berubecued. But we don't know he actually told the stormtroopers to do that.
Ariel: Haha, Berubecued! That's a good one. Well ... at least until I think about them both all crispy-cooked. Anyway, he was giving the orders in general, and the orders definitely had a "No witnesses!" bit to them.
Sasha: Yeah, I guess that makes him directly responsible even if he didn't know the details of Owen and Beru being included. What did you think about him being there as one of the angels at the end?
Ariel: That part was great! It was like, "Oh, so happy! Everybody's together again!" But also like, "Ha-ha, you guys screwed me over the whole time I was growing up and got my mom and sort of my wife killed because you didn't want to let me have a mom or a wife, and now I get to spend forever looking young and hot while you two are all old-ified and crusty."
Sasha: Good ending, for sure.
Ariel: Is that all, then? I mean, I guess talking about the ending is a good place to finish off.
Sasha: Sure. The end is as good a place to finish off as any, I guess.
Ariel: "That's what she said!"
Sasha: Ugh. I wish you had never learned that joke.
Ariel: Don't worry. I'm sure that's probably the last Star-Wars-related thing I'll try to make sound naughty. It's not like these movies give you a lot to work with as far as double meanings go.
Sasha: Okay. I guess I won't hold this one against you, then.
Ariel: Haha, "That's what --"
Sasha: DON'T!
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Hocus Pocus by Focus!
Ariel: What. Did. We. Just. Hear?
Sasha: That was one crazy song.
Ariel: So completely nutso!
Sasha: Let me tell you, those 1970s ... just ... what a weird time.
Ariel: The weirdest. Or maybe not the weirdest, but soooo weird.
Sasha: You can't rank that kind of weird. When you get that weird, there's no number one and number two or most weirdest and second most weirdest.
Ariel: It's like, how weird is that thing? Rank it on weirdness, is it 1970s rock weird or is it rutabaga doorknob weird?
Sasha: Exactly.
Ariel: How do we even talk about a song like this?
Sasha: I say we just put it on and let it rip.
Ariel: Sure, why not?
Sasha: Okay, I'm making a link.
Ariel: Awesome, you're great at that and I'm happy to let you do the work.
Sasha: Done.
Ariel: So here we go. Cue guitar number one making crunchy hard-rock chords.
Sasha: Yep. And here comes guitar number two crunching away at the same time. Plus drums!
Ariel: So much crunching, but they're not done adding guitars yet!
Sasha: I guess they were thinking, you know what this chord pattern needs? Another guitar!
Ariel: Then they were like, that did the trick! And bass ... go!
Sasha: Do-dee-dee-dee-dee, do-dee-dee-dee-dee! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch-crunch!
Ariel: Chord change!
Sasha: Crunch! Crunch! Crunchhhh!
Ariel: Do-do-do-dee-dee ...
Sasha: Crunch! Crunch! Crunchhhh!
Ariel: Do-do-do-dee-dee ...
Sasha: Pow! Drum smash!
Ariel: Drum solo!
Sasha: And ...
Ariel and Sasha: YODELING!
Sasha: WTF is yodeling doing in this hard rock song?
Ariel: I don't know, but here comes some more!
Sasha: You know what would top that off? Falsetto crescendo screaming!
Ariel: Then back to the crunchy chord stuff, crunch crunch crunch ...
Sasha: Another drum solo ...
Ariel: Yodeling passage ...
Sasha: Burning guitar solo!
Ariel: Whoa. It's like 15 years before Surfing with the Alien and this Hocus Pocus guitarist is as fast as Joe Satriani, easy!
Sasha: I never thought I would hear you say that.
Ariel: Me either!
Sasha: Solo, solo, solo, solo, and ...
Ariel: Another drum solo! How many drum solos can one song bear?
Sasha: I don't know, but it's probably time for more yodeling ...
Ariel: No! It's the singer singing like Popeye the Sailor hopped up on speed!
Sasha: What? Just ... what???
Ariel: The BF had to show me a Popeye the Sailor clip to explain this to me. But it does, it sounds exactly like a cranked-up Popeye.
Sasha: What did they put in that spinach?
Ariel: I don't know, but it freaking rocks. Now more crunchiness ... so much crunching!
Sasha: Plus a new drum solo.
Ariel: Yodeling again ... then ...
Sasha: Guitar solo number two!
Ariel: OMG, it's even faster and better than solo number one.
Sasha: But now the drummer is like, Oh, no you don't mister guitarist, I WILL maintain my lead in solo quantity! Boom! Bam, bam -- POW!
Ariel: And now there's flutes. Maniac-fast flutes all over the place!
Sasha: Flutes, flutes, flutes ... drum fill ... another crunchy section, another full drum solo ...
Ariel: Back to the yodeling ...
Sasha: Now guitar solo number three!
Ariel: There's a crowd going crazy in the background, it's such a ripping solo.
Sasha: And now the drummer is like, that's enough, you!
Ariel: More yodeling ... leading up to ...
Sasha: Bass solo! The bassist was like, please guys, can't I have a solo? Everybody else has had like, ten of them.
Ariel: And the band is like, okay, here's four seconds.
Sasha: No fair! But I'll show you, I'll play so many notes in these four seconds ...
Ariel: All the notes.
Sasha: There must be fifty notes in that solo.
Ariel: We must be nearing the end now, because there is insane laughter on top of the normal crunch-guitar pattern.
Sasha: Biggest drum solo yet ... and ...
Ariel: Giant final chord smash! Done!
Sasha: Okay, I'm scrolling back up to count how many drum solos that was.
Ariel: I'll wait.
Sasha: I think it was eight.
Ariel: That's like, more than one solo per minute.
Sasha: How are the drummer's arms still in their sockets?
Ariel: Magic? Maybe that's why it's called Hocus Pocus.
Sasha: The magic of 1970s rock and roll.
Ariel: Elle says the guitarist later released an album that was all 15th century lute music.
Sasha: Lute! We'll have to listen to that later.
Ariel: Way later. I'm exhausted.
Sasha: Let's sign off, then.
Ariel and Sasha: Bye, everybody!
Sasha: That was one crazy song.
Ariel: So completely nutso!
Sasha: Let me tell you, those 1970s ... just ... what a weird time.
Ariel: The weirdest. Or maybe not the weirdest, but soooo weird.
Sasha: You can't rank that kind of weird. When you get that weird, there's no number one and number two or most weirdest and second most weirdest.
Ariel: It's like, how weird is that thing? Rank it on weirdness, is it 1970s rock weird or is it rutabaga doorknob weird?
Sasha: Exactly.
Ariel: How do we even talk about a song like this?
Sasha: I say we just put it on and let it rip.
Ariel: Sure, why not?
Sasha: Okay, I'm making a link.
Ariel: Awesome, you're great at that and I'm happy to let you do the work.
Sasha: Done.
Ariel: So here we go. Cue guitar number one making crunchy hard-rock chords.
Sasha: Yep. And here comes guitar number two crunching away at the same time. Plus drums!
Ariel: So much crunching, but they're not done adding guitars yet!
Sasha: I guess they were thinking, you know what this chord pattern needs? Another guitar!
Ariel: Then they were like, that did the trick! And bass ... go!
Sasha: Do-dee-dee-dee-dee, do-dee-dee-dee-dee! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch-crunch!
Ariel: Chord change!
Sasha: Crunch! Crunch! Crunchhhh!
Ariel: Do-do-do-dee-dee ...
Sasha: Crunch! Crunch! Crunchhhh!
Ariel: Do-do-do-dee-dee ...
Sasha: Pow! Drum smash!
Ariel: Drum solo!
Sasha: And ...
Ariel and Sasha: YODELING!
Sasha: WTF is yodeling doing in this hard rock song?
Ariel: I don't know, but here comes some more!
Sasha: You know what would top that off? Falsetto crescendo screaming!
Ariel: Then back to the crunchy chord stuff, crunch crunch crunch ...
Sasha: Another drum solo ...
Ariel: Yodeling passage ...
Sasha: Burning guitar solo!
Ariel: Whoa. It's like 15 years before Surfing with the Alien and this Hocus Pocus guitarist is as fast as Joe Satriani, easy!
Sasha: I never thought I would hear you say that.
Ariel: Me either!
Sasha: Solo, solo, solo, solo, and ...
Ariel: Another drum solo! How many drum solos can one song bear?
Sasha: I don't know, but it's probably time for more yodeling ...
Ariel: No! It's the singer singing like Popeye the Sailor hopped up on speed!
Sasha: What? Just ... what???
Ariel: The BF had to show me a Popeye the Sailor clip to explain this to me. But it does, it sounds exactly like a cranked-up Popeye.
Sasha: What did they put in that spinach?
Ariel: I don't know, but it freaking rocks. Now more crunchiness ... so much crunching!
Sasha: Plus a new drum solo.
Ariel: Yodeling again ... then ...
Sasha: Guitar solo number two!
Ariel: OMG, it's even faster and better than solo number one.
Sasha: But now the drummer is like, Oh, no you don't mister guitarist, I WILL maintain my lead in solo quantity! Boom! Bam, bam -- POW!
Ariel: And now there's flutes. Maniac-fast flutes all over the place!
Sasha: Flutes, flutes, flutes ... drum fill ... another crunchy section, another full drum solo ...
Ariel: Back to the yodeling ...
Sasha: Now guitar solo number three!
Ariel: There's a crowd going crazy in the background, it's such a ripping solo.
Sasha: And now the drummer is like, that's enough, you!
Ariel: More yodeling ... leading up to ...
Sasha: Bass solo! The bassist was like, please guys, can't I have a solo? Everybody else has had like, ten of them.
Ariel: And the band is like, okay, here's four seconds.
Sasha: No fair! But I'll show you, I'll play so many notes in these four seconds ...
Ariel: All the notes.
Sasha: There must be fifty notes in that solo.
Ariel: We must be nearing the end now, because there is insane laughter on top of the normal crunch-guitar pattern.
Sasha: Biggest drum solo yet ... and ...
Ariel: Giant final chord smash! Done!
Sasha: Okay, I'm scrolling back up to count how many drum solos that was.
Ariel: I'll wait.
Sasha: I think it was eight.
Ariel: That's like, more than one solo per minute.
Sasha: How are the drummer's arms still in their sockets?
Ariel: Magic? Maybe that's why it's called Hocus Pocus.
Sasha: The magic of 1970s rock and roll.
Ariel: Elle says the guitarist later released an album that was all 15th century lute music.
Sasha: Lute! We'll have to listen to that later.
Ariel: Way later. I'm exhausted.
Sasha: Let's sign off, then.
Ariel and Sasha: Bye, everybody!
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Blog Topic Self-Doubt!
Hi, everybody! Ariel here. We watched Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back last night and now we're wondering if blogging about it today would be Too Much Star Wars for people. I mean, we didn't start this blog to make a Star Wars blog, and maybe it looks like it's turning into that?
So we were debating about whether we should or shouldn't and then we realized that worrying over what to blog was actually a new experience itself.
Topic found!
Sash said, "Okay, Aers, you go ahead and run with that one, coz I don't think it's gonna take both of us to cover it, and also my hair needs brushing."
Um ...
Do you think she maybe meant this was a boring idea for a blog post?
Now I have even more self-doubt.
You know what? Self-doubt kinda sucks.
Experience complete!
Bye!
So we were debating about whether we should or shouldn't and then we realized that worrying over what to blog was actually a new experience itself.
Topic found!
Sash said, "Okay, Aers, you go ahead and run with that one, coz I don't think it's gonna take both of us to cover it, and also my hair needs brushing."
Um ...
Do you think she maybe meant this was a boring idea for a blog post?
Now I have even more self-doubt.
You know what? Self-doubt kinda sucks.
Experience complete!
Bye!
Saturday, November 2, 2019
Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Actual Star Wars, All the Way to the End!
Sasha: Okay, lazybones. Here we are, being troopers and finishing what we started!
Ariel: Errgh ... even as excited about Star Wars as I am, now that we're sitting down to do this I'm worried about how much movie we have left!
Sasha: You sound like Farmboy Luke when Oldster Jesus asked him to come to Alderaan the first time. What a whiner!
Ariel: Hey, if you want to be Oldster Jesus and I'll be Farmboy Luke, that's okay by me. Oldster does most of the tricky bits from here on out. Farmboy just runs around with no plan falling into trash cans and stuff.
Sasha: I'm not sure you're remembering the last half of this movie correctly ...
Ariel: See? Another reason we might want to take it easy on ourselves and split this one up even more.
Sasha: So you'll have longer to forget even more? Nope. Come on, let's get going, because you're just making this take even longer by complaining.
Ariel: Okay, okay. I guess we should pick up ... uh ... oh, with them hiding in the coaxium compartments!
Sasha: You're blowing your excuse of not remembering when you can call them coaxium compartments. That was two whole movies ago.
Ariel: Yeah, but they said "coaxium" about a million times in that movie.
Sasha: True.
Ariel: Anyway, the Death Star tractor beams them and sucks them into a hangar bay, but I guess none of the investigating plastic-suit dudes is smart enough to think, "Hey, maybe these hollow sounding panels we're walking on are actually hollow and somebody might be hiding under them."
Sasha: I don't think they were hired for their brains.
Ariel: Were they hired or were they cloned? They sorta look like the clone dudes from the first three movies, but they don't sound like them.
Sasha: That's a good question.
Ariel: I bet even if they're cloned, they would eventually have different voices because otherwise how do you keep them from playing phone pranks? As soon as one of them realizes they all sound alike, it would be phone prank chaos.
Sasha: Maybe.
Ariel: Anyway, our good guys are lucky the the Maybe Clones aren't smarter or they'd of gotten found.
Sasha: Also lucky they didn't just come on board with a Rolling Bleepster kind of robot, since he can detect life forms from way off.
Ariel: Good point! If I was the bad guys, I'd make sure I had a Rolling Bleepster on all my ships watching for people smuggling themselves in.
Sasha: Maybe the bad guys will wise up and that will happen in a future movie.
Ariel: Ooh! Exciting plot twist! We should write Star Wars movies.
Sasha: Are you kidding? We can't even finish writing a post about a Star Wars movie. Do you know how much work it would be to write the movie itself?
Ariel: Okay, I take it back. Although our movie would be over a lot quicker, like Darth Vader would choke Cinnabon-hair Girl to death in scene two and Oldster Jesus would already have taught Farmboy Luke to be a Jedi by now and they could just pop out and trash the place.
Sasha: Or else instead of saying, "Hmm, I sense something" and then immediately leaving, Darth Vader would be, like, "I think I'll walk up this ramp and have a closer look and maybe sense whatever it is a little better."
Ariel: Ugh. Darth Vader. I don't even like calling him that when he used to be Teen Hottie and Cute Little Slave Boy before that.
Sasha: We could come up with a funny name for him like we do for everybody else.
Ariel: I don't like that either, because it's too sad. Plus we'd be terrible people if we called him something like Amputeen Hottie just for a cheap laugh.
Sasha: Yeah, that would be in really bad taste. Although it is pretty funny that the "Hottie" part still works on account of him getting burned up with lava.
Ariel: Ouch, on a whole lot of levels.
Sasha: Back to the movie. Some guys come in with a metal detector, or I guess a people detector, since even though it looks like a metal detector, that wouldn't make any sense.
Ariel: Pretty much metal everywhere right now, so it would just go crazy like the Rolling Bleepster getting zapped with electricity.
Sasha: Maybe that's why they stop and open it up before they go on the ship, to make sure they didn't bring a metal detector.
Ariel: That would suck to lug it all the way up that ramp and then open it and be like, "Damn it! Metal detector again!"
Sasha: Not that they get a chance to detect with it, because they go down with a really loud clunk as soon as they get inside.
Ariel: My theory is, Oldster Jesus waved his hand at them and said, "You will curl up and take a nap in these coaxium compartments" and they were like, "We will curl up and take a nap in these coaxium compartments" and then they dropped the box and got napping.
Sasha: That's a happier ending for them than my theory.
Ariel: They're like the only guys who made it off the Death Star, because they were napping in the compartments.
Sasha: I'm thinking there may be several reasons why they wouldn't have kept napping so long, but okay.
Ariel: Look, we already agreed I shouldn't write these movies, right? Like, the next scene would have been way short. Farmboy Luke says, "She's here, the princess!" and Han Solo would be like, "Well dang, we'd better rescue her then" instead of being such a grumpus.
Sasha: We should call him Grump Solo.
Ariel: But I have to admit, this scene is funnier with him being Grump Solo than if he was all, "Hey, let's help everybody" like he was in his own movie.
Sasha: I mean, he really only did that once, and the people he agreed to help did have him and his friends outnumbered a ton to one.
Ariel: What? No, his girlfriend even said it straight up that he's the good guy and would help them.
Sasha: You mean the girlfriend who could've grabbed a fortune in space-diamonds and lived happily ever after with him and instead ran off to Robot-Legs Evil-Lightsaber Gangster-Dude? I'm not sure her situation assessment skills were the best.
Ariel: We're getting distracted back into the wrong movie.
Sasha: Sure, but I think that's how we know we're turning into Star Wars fans.
Ariel: Good point! On to the Detention Block.
Sasha: First they ride the elevator, which keeps up the streak of movies with elevator rides in them that's been going on since, what, Attack of the Clones?
Ariel: Longer! They basically watched that whole pod race in the first movie from a big elevator platform.
Sasha: You're right! I wonder if there's an elevator in all the movies after this too.
Ariel: I guess we'll have to watch them and see.
Sasha: I like how they wave off the guys who want to get on the elevator with them.
Ariel: Yeah, it's like everybody knows this is galactic sign language for, "Sorry, we wish you could ride with us but we have this monkey."
Sasha: Haha!
Ariel: Oh my god, this is taking us so long.
Sasha: Hush! We're getting to the most exciting parts. It will be easy.
Ariel: There starts to be a lot of shooting at this point, it's true.
Sasha: And then they find Cinnabon-hair Girl and she instantly starts mouthing off to everybody.
Ariel: I guess when you're scheduled for termination, it blows your enthusiasm for making a good first impression.
Sasha: She does get them out of that jam super-quick, though.
Ariel: Yes, but first Darth Vader tells Mean CGI Guy Obi-Wan Kenobi is there.
Sasha: He seems awfully sure about it for somebody who left the detecting to a couple of dudes with a box of gizmos.
Ariel: Maybe he already had it figured out right when he first sensed him. "Hmm. Sure smells like Sexy Jesus is here, but old. I bet he's going to try to turn off the tractor beam so these dudes can get away. That would totally be like him. I'll pretend I don't get it and hurry off now, so Mean CGI Guy and I can hatch some kind of diabolical plan."
Sasha: That actually makes a lot of sense considering what all happens coming up.
Ariel: Thank you!
Sasha: You're welcome. Now there's a tentacle thing and some trash compacting, and Shiny Butler Bot almost gets everybody squashed because he wants to gab while they're getting compacted.
Ariel: Shiny Butler Bot is hilarious in this movie.
Sasha: Agreed. But at least they're out of the trash compactor now and free to have Cinnabon-hair Girl do more mouthing off and everybody do more shooting.
Ariel: So much shooting!
Sasha: Hard to believe the bad guys are missing so much after Oldster Jesus made such a big point of them being ultra-precise at the burnt-up anvil truck.
Ariel: They're missing on purpose. There's a diabolical plan going on, remember? Look, you can even see it when the Mom-Killing Twins are about to swing across that why-the-hell-did-somebody-put-this-here chasm. The one dude is tapping the other on the shoulder, and the other dude is like, "Dude, can't you see I'm shooting here?" And the tapping guy is all pointing like, "Hey, I'm just saying, we're getting orders to leave them alone."
Sasha: I did not notice that.
Ariel: I picked up on the galactic sign language translations really fast.
Sasha: You're really smart sometimes.
Ariel: It's helpful being smart when you're always working on laziness strategies.
Sasha: Now I understand.
Ariel: Speaking of lazy, here's Darth Vader standing around waiting for Obi-Wan to come to him.
Sasha: I'm sure he's just psyching himself up for this big battle.
Ariel: I know! I can't wait. The last one was crazy exciting, and these guys have been waiting for a rematch for decades.
Sasha: Plus Darth Vader is a cyborg now, which should make him even tougher.
Ariel: This is going to be so good.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: ...
Sasha: Okay then. Well.
Ariel: Slightly ... less exciting ...
Sasha: I guess that's what happens when it's twenty years since you had anybody to practice sword-fighting against?
Ariel: I guess. On the other hand, I also guess if the lightsaber battle was as good as the last one, this next bit with them shooting at the Tie Fighters wouldn't be quite as amazing.
Sasha: True. And it is really good.
Ariel: That music!
Sasha and Ariel: Bum! Bum! Bum-bahhhhh -- bum-bum-bum-bum! Bum! Bum! Bum-bahhhh ...
Ariel: I'm glad it's so exciting, because that ladder between the gun turrets confuses the heck out of me.
Sasha: Right? It's like, which way is up? Which way is down? Is it all up and down? Is there a sideways?
Ariel: It looks like there's a sideways, I just can't figure out how it works.
Sasha: Thankfully, there are lots of explosions to distract us.
Ariel: Plus that music. Bum! Bum! Bum-bahhh ...
Sasha: And now Mean CGI Guy is confirming your theory! It was a diabolical plan all along!
Ariel: Cinnabon-hair Girl is wise to that right away, though.
Sasha: She's a smart cookie. Or pastry. Something baked, anyway.
Ariel: She doesn't have a lot of faith in our heroes from the last movie, though. She's like, "I only hope when they analyze the plans, it doesn't turn out we lost our head of security and all of Blue Squadron and got half our fleet blown up for no damn reason."
Sasha: Maybe watching the Death Star toast her whole home planet put a damper on her optimism.
Ariel: Wait ... a damper? Oh, man, I think I've been saying that phrase wrong. I thought it was "put a diaper on" whatever you're putting it on.
Sasha: Put a diaper on her optimism?
Ariel: I mean, it would make sense, like she's saying optimism is for babies.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Don't tell Elle or she'll say I'm being an idiomt again.
Sasha: I promise I'm definitely not repeating that one. On to the final battle.
Ariel: So this is weird ... almost all the battles up till now have been really exciting, and obviously the special effects in this one aren't as good ... but it was soooo dramatic!
Sasha: I was really glad they brought back Red Leader and Gold Leader from last movie. Nice continuity.
Ariel: I know, right? And when they're calling Farmboy Luke "Red Five" I was all, "Watch out, Luke, that's not a good-luck kinda name!"
Sasha: Nice use of something from the previous movie to add tension to this one.
Ariel: Although all those reminders did make me sad thinking about Blue Squadron getting totally wiped out.
Sasha: Poor Blue Squadron. And poor all these guys, too!
Ariel: Red Leader! Gold Leader! The fat guy! The old crusty guy!
Sasha: Luke's friend Biggs!
Ariel: I really didn't feel like we got to know all those pilots who got blown up in the previous movies, but in this one the dudes all seem like such real people!
Sasha: Except for them all being dudes.
Ariel: Yeah, that was weird. I mean, the previous movies were pretty short on lady pilots, but this one is like, not a chick to be seen.
Sasha: Apparently they were all in Blue Squadron.
Ariel: I guess. Maybe the director didn't want to show Darth Vader personally killing a bunch of girl pilots.
Sasha: Huh? Like, he can dice a bunch of toddlers in Episode Ai-yai-yai but shooting down ace pilots who happen to be ladies would be too much?
Ariel: I don't know. Some things about these movies definitely confuse me.
Sasha: Maybe better not to think about it too much. Just enjoy the excitement and the drama.
Ariel: Like, Oh no! Darth Vader gets a headshot on the Rolling Bleepster! Does he not remember everything the Bleepster did for him in the earlier movies?
Sasha: I'm going to be pissed if that's the end of Rolling Bleepster. That dude rocks.
Ariel: Maybe they can fix him later if Mom-Killing-Twin Number One can hurry up and kill this Death Star as well as he killed his mom.
Sasha: Well, he did have help from his sister on that one.
Ariel: And now he's all on his own -- but not quite, there's Oldster Jesus on the radio!
Sasha: Or he's a ghost.
Ariel: Well, those Jedi guys can see the future sometimes, right? Maybe Oldster Jesus saw all this coming, and he recorded some lines and told Rolling Bleepster, "Okay, dude, if things are looking bad, set Farmboy Luke's cockpit recorder to play this for him."
Sasha: That sounds like kind of a whack plan.
Ariel: What, more whack than, "Let's put Teen Hottie under more stress than any other Jedi has ever been put under, make him spy on his buddy, and then act like we don't trust him when he comes back and tells us what he learned from the spying?" I mean, these Jedi guys have kind of a bad record on figuring out how to motivate these Skywalker boys.
Sasha: I'm still going with he's a ghost.
Ariel: Fine. But at least Han Solo isn't! Here he comes flying out of the sun to save the day!
Sasha: I knew he wasn't all Grump Solo. Yay!
Ariel: And kaaaa-BOOM!
Sasha: Ooh, I like the little twinkly music after the Death Star blows up.
Ariel: Like it got blown into a gazillion little wind chimes.
Sasha: And now they're back at HQ.
Ariel: And Rolling Bleepster doesn't look all that bad! Maybe they can fix him!
Sasha: Aw, Shiny Butler Bot is all sweet now and offering up his circuits for his friend.
Ariel: He's no Rolling Bleepster, but I do love me some Shiny Butler Bot when he's on his game.
Sasha: Which gets us to ...
Ariel: A giant auditorium full of good guys!
Sasha: And really good parade music.
Ariel: Medals! One for Han Solo, and one for Farmboy Luke, and ...
Sasha: One for Chewbacca, right? I mean, come on, Cinnabon-hair Girl! I know you called him a walking carpet and we've been calling him Shower Buddy Monkey, but he gets a medal, doesn't he?
Ariel: Oh, man, that's cold.
Sasha: Nothing for the Rolling Bleepster either. He literally got shot in the head while keeping Luke's ship from falling apart, but I guess the medal shop doesn't serve his kind any more than the cantina did.
Ariel: He seems okay with it, though.
Sasha: Wouldn't you be? I mean, the guy's been waiting thirty or forty years for something good to happen in this darn galaxy. He's probably like, "Hot damn! It's about time!"
Ariel: Maybe someday they'll subtitle him and we'll know for sure.
Sasha: Or maybe it will be revealed in the next movie.
Ariel: Which we can watch now, because we're done with this one! We did it!
Sasha: Yay, us!
Ariel: See you next time, everybody!
Sasha: Nighty-night!
Ariel: Errgh ... even as excited about Star Wars as I am, now that we're sitting down to do this I'm worried about how much movie we have left!
Sasha: You sound like Farmboy Luke when Oldster Jesus asked him to come to Alderaan the first time. What a whiner!
Ariel: Hey, if you want to be Oldster Jesus and I'll be Farmboy Luke, that's okay by me. Oldster does most of the tricky bits from here on out. Farmboy just runs around with no plan falling into trash cans and stuff.
Sasha: I'm not sure you're remembering the last half of this movie correctly ...
Ariel: See? Another reason we might want to take it easy on ourselves and split this one up even more.
Sasha: So you'll have longer to forget even more? Nope. Come on, let's get going, because you're just making this take even longer by complaining.
Ariel: Okay, okay. I guess we should pick up ... uh ... oh, with them hiding in the coaxium compartments!
Sasha: You're blowing your excuse of not remembering when you can call them coaxium compartments. That was two whole movies ago.
Ariel: Yeah, but they said "coaxium" about a million times in that movie.
Sasha: True.
Ariel: Anyway, the Death Star tractor beams them and sucks them into a hangar bay, but I guess none of the investigating plastic-suit dudes is smart enough to think, "Hey, maybe these hollow sounding panels we're walking on are actually hollow and somebody might be hiding under them."
Sasha: I don't think they were hired for their brains.
Ariel: Were they hired or were they cloned? They sorta look like the clone dudes from the first three movies, but they don't sound like them.
Sasha: That's a good question.
Ariel: I bet even if they're cloned, they would eventually have different voices because otherwise how do you keep them from playing phone pranks? As soon as one of them realizes they all sound alike, it would be phone prank chaos.
Sasha: Maybe.
Ariel: Anyway, our good guys are lucky the the Maybe Clones aren't smarter or they'd of gotten found.
Sasha: Also lucky they didn't just come on board with a Rolling Bleepster kind of robot, since he can detect life forms from way off.
Ariel: Good point! If I was the bad guys, I'd make sure I had a Rolling Bleepster on all my ships watching for people smuggling themselves in.
Sasha: Maybe the bad guys will wise up and that will happen in a future movie.
Ariel: Ooh! Exciting plot twist! We should write Star Wars movies.
Sasha: Are you kidding? We can't even finish writing a post about a Star Wars movie. Do you know how much work it would be to write the movie itself?
Ariel: Okay, I take it back. Although our movie would be over a lot quicker, like Darth Vader would choke Cinnabon-hair Girl to death in scene two and Oldster Jesus would already have taught Farmboy Luke to be a Jedi by now and they could just pop out and trash the place.
Sasha: Or else instead of saying, "Hmm, I sense something" and then immediately leaving, Darth Vader would be, like, "I think I'll walk up this ramp and have a closer look and maybe sense whatever it is a little better."
Ariel: Ugh. Darth Vader. I don't even like calling him that when he used to be Teen Hottie and Cute Little Slave Boy before that.
Sasha: We could come up with a funny name for him like we do for everybody else.
Ariel: I don't like that either, because it's too sad. Plus we'd be terrible people if we called him something like Amputeen Hottie just for a cheap laugh.
Sasha: Yeah, that would be in really bad taste. Although it is pretty funny that the "Hottie" part still works on account of him getting burned up with lava.
Ariel: Ouch, on a whole lot of levels.
Sasha: Back to the movie. Some guys come in with a metal detector, or I guess a people detector, since even though it looks like a metal detector, that wouldn't make any sense.
Ariel: Pretty much metal everywhere right now, so it would just go crazy like the Rolling Bleepster getting zapped with electricity.
Sasha: Maybe that's why they stop and open it up before they go on the ship, to make sure they didn't bring a metal detector.
Ariel: That would suck to lug it all the way up that ramp and then open it and be like, "Damn it! Metal detector again!"
Sasha: Not that they get a chance to detect with it, because they go down with a really loud clunk as soon as they get inside.
Ariel: My theory is, Oldster Jesus waved his hand at them and said, "You will curl up and take a nap in these coaxium compartments" and they were like, "We will curl up and take a nap in these coaxium compartments" and then they dropped the box and got napping.
Sasha: That's a happier ending for them than my theory.
Ariel: They're like the only guys who made it off the Death Star, because they were napping in the compartments.
Sasha: I'm thinking there may be several reasons why they wouldn't have kept napping so long, but okay.
Ariel: Look, we already agreed I shouldn't write these movies, right? Like, the next scene would have been way short. Farmboy Luke says, "She's here, the princess!" and Han Solo would be like, "Well dang, we'd better rescue her then" instead of being such a grumpus.
Sasha: We should call him Grump Solo.
Ariel: But I have to admit, this scene is funnier with him being Grump Solo than if he was all, "Hey, let's help everybody" like he was in his own movie.
Sasha: I mean, he really only did that once, and the people he agreed to help did have him and his friends outnumbered a ton to one.
Ariel: What? No, his girlfriend even said it straight up that he's the good guy and would help them.
Sasha: You mean the girlfriend who could've grabbed a fortune in space-diamonds and lived happily ever after with him and instead ran off to Robot-Legs Evil-Lightsaber Gangster-Dude? I'm not sure her situation assessment skills were the best.
Ariel: We're getting distracted back into the wrong movie.
Sasha: Sure, but I think that's how we know we're turning into Star Wars fans.
Ariel: Good point! On to the Detention Block.
Sasha: First they ride the elevator, which keeps up the streak of movies with elevator rides in them that's been going on since, what, Attack of the Clones?
Ariel: Longer! They basically watched that whole pod race in the first movie from a big elevator platform.
Sasha: You're right! I wonder if there's an elevator in all the movies after this too.
Ariel: I guess we'll have to watch them and see.
Sasha: I like how they wave off the guys who want to get on the elevator with them.
Ariel: Yeah, it's like everybody knows this is galactic sign language for, "Sorry, we wish you could ride with us but we have this monkey."
Sasha: Haha!
Ariel: Oh my god, this is taking us so long.
Sasha: Hush! We're getting to the most exciting parts. It will be easy.
Ariel: There starts to be a lot of shooting at this point, it's true.
Sasha: And then they find Cinnabon-hair Girl and she instantly starts mouthing off to everybody.
Ariel: I guess when you're scheduled for termination, it blows your enthusiasm for making a good first impression.
Sasha: She does get them out of that jam super-quick, though.
Ariel: Yes, but first Darth Vader tells Mean CGI Guy Obi-Wan Kenobi is there.
Sasha: He seems awfully sure about it for somebody who left the detecting to a couple of dudes with a box of gizmos.
Ariel: Maybe he already had it figured out right when he first sensed him. "Hmm. Sure smells like Sexy Jesus is here, but old. I bet he's going to try to turn off the tractor beam so these dudes can get away. That would totally be like him. I'll pretend I don't get it and hurry off now, so Mean CGI Guy and I can hatch some kind of diabolical plan."
Sasha: That actually makes a lot of sense considering what all happens coming up.
Ariel: Thank you!
Sasha: You're welcome. Now there's a tentacle thing and some trash compacting, and Shiny Butler Bot almost gets everybody squashed because he wants to gab while they're getting compacted.
Ariel: Shiny Butler Bot is hilarious in this movie.
Sasha: Agreed. But at least they're out of the trash compactor now and free to have Cinnabon-hair Girl do more mouthing off and everybody do more shooting.
Ariel: So much shooting!
Sasha: Hard to believe the bad guys are missing so much after Oldster Jesus made such a big point of them being ultra-precise at the burnt-up anvil truck.
Ariel: They're missing on purpose. There's a diabolical plan going on, remember? Look, you can even see it when the Mom-Killing Twins are about to swing across that why-the-hell-did-somebody-put-this-here chasm. The one dude is tapping the other on the shoulder, and the other dude is like, "Dude, can't you see I'm shooting here?" And the tapping guy is all pointing like, "Hey, I'm just saying, we're getting orders to leave them alone."
Sasha: I did not notice that.
Ariel: I picked up on the galactic sign language translations really fast.
Sasha: You're really smart sometimes.
Ariel: It's helpful being smart when you're always working on laziness strategies.
Sasha: Now I understand.
Ariel: Speaking of lazy, here's Darth Vader standing around waiting for Obi-Wan to come to him.
Sasha: I'm sure he's just psyching himself up for this big battle.
Ariel: I know! I can't wait. The last one was crazy exciting, and these guys have been waiting for a rematch for decades.
Sasha: Plus Darth Vader is a cyborg now, which should make him even tougher.
Ariel: This is going to be so good.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: ...
Sasha: Okay then. Well.
Ariel: Slightly ... less exciting ...
Sasha: I guess that's what happens when it's twenty years since you had anybody to practice sword-fighting against?
Ariel: I guess. On the other hand, I also guess if the lightsaber battle was as good as the last one, this next bit with them shooting at the Tie Fighters wouldn't be quite as amazing.
Sasha: True. And it is really good.
Ariel: That music!
Sasha and Ariel: Bum! Bum! Bum-bahhhhh -- bum-bum-bum-bum! Bum! Bum! Bum-bahhhh ...
Ariel: I'm glad it's so exciting, because that ladder between the gun turrets confuses the heck out of me.
Sasha: Right? It's like, which way is up? Which way is down? Is it all up and down? Is there a sideways?
Ariel: It looks like there's a sideways, I just can't figure out how it works.
Sasha: Thankfully, there are lots of explosions to distract us.
Ariel: Plus that music. Bum! Bum! Bum-bahhh ...
Sasha: And now Mean CGI Guy is confirming your theory! It was a diabolical plan all along!
Ariel: Cinnabon-hair Girl is wise to that right away, though.
Sasha: She's a smart cookie. Or pastry. Something baked, anyway.
Ariel: She doesn't have a lot of faith in our heroes from the last movie, though. She's like, "I only hope when they analyze the plans, it doesn't turn out we lost our head of security and all of Blue Squadron and got half our fleet blown up for no damn reason."
Sasha: Maybe watching the Death Star toast her whole home planet put a damper on her optimism.
Ariel: Wait ... a damper? Oh, man, I think I've been saying that phrase wrong. I thought it was "put a diaper on" whatever you're putting it on.
Sasha: Put a diaper on her optimism?
Ariel: I mean, it would make sense, like she's saying optimism is for babies.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Don't tell Elle or she'll say I'm being an idiomt again.
Sasha: I promise I'm definitely not repeating that one. On to the final battle.
Ariel: So this is weird ... almost all the battles up till now have been really exciting, and obviously the special effects in this one aren't as good ... but it was soooo dramatic!
Sasha: I was really glad they brought back Red Leader and Gold Leader from last movie. Nice continuity.
Ariel: I know, right? And when they're calling Farmboy Luke "Red Five" I was all, "Watch out, Luke, that's not a good-luck kinda name!"
Sasha: Nice use of something from the previous movie to add tension to this one.
Ariel: Although all those reminders did make me sad thinking about Blue Squadron getting totally wiped out.
Sasha: Poor Blue Squadron. And poor all these guys, too!
Ariel: Red Leader! Gold Leader! The fat guy! The old crusty guy!
Sasha: Luke's friend Biggs!
Ariel: I really didn't feel like we got to know all those pilots who got blown up in the previous movies, but in this one the dudes all seem like such real people!
Sasha: Except for them all being dudes.
Ariel: Yeah, that was weird. I mean, the previous movies were pretty short on lady pilots, but this one is like, not a chick to be seen.
Sasha: Apparently they were all in Blue Squadron.
Ariel: I guess. Maybe the director didn't want to show Darth Vader personally killing a bunch of girl pilots.
Sasha: Huh? Like, he can dice a bunch of toddlers in Episode Ai-yai-yai but shooting down ace pilots who happen to be ladies would be too much?
Ariel: I don't know. Some things about these movies definitely confuse me.
Sasha: Maybe better not to think about it too much. Just enjoy the excitement and the drama.
Ariel: Like, Oh no! Darth Vader gets a headshot on the Rolling Bleepster! Does he not remember everything the Bleepster did for him in the earlier movies?
Sasha: I'm going to be pissed if that's the end of Rolling Bleepster. That dude rocks.
Ariel: Maybe they can fix him later if Mom-Killing-Twin Number One can hurry up and kill this Death Star as well as he killed his mom.
Sasha: Well, he did have help from his sister on that one.
Ariel: And now he's all on his own -- but not quite, there's Oldster Jesus on the radio!
Sasha: Or he's a ghost.
Ariel: Well, those Jedi guys can see the future sometimes, right? Maybe Oldster Jesus saw all this coming, and he recorded some lines and told Rolling Bleepster, "Okay, dude, if things are looking bad, set Farmboy Luke's cockpit recorder to play this for him."
Sasha: That sounds like kind of a whack plan.
Ariel: What, more whack than, "Let's put Teen Hottie under more stress than any other Jedi has ever been put under, make him spy on his buddy, and then act like we don't trust him when he comes back and tells us what he learned from the spying?" I mean, these Jedi guys have kind of a bad record on figuring out how to motivate these Skywalker boys.
Sasha: I'm still going with he's a ghost.
Ariel: Fine. But at least Han Solo isn't! Here he comes flying out of the sun to save the day!
Sasha: I knew he wasn't all Grump Solo. Yay!
Ariel: And kaaaa-BOOM!
Sasha: Ooh, I like the little twinkly music after the Death Star blows up.
Ariel: Like it got blown into a gazillion little wind chimes.
Sasha: And now they're back at HQ.
Ariel: And Rolling Bleepster doesn't look all that bad! Maybe they can fix him!
Sasha: Aw, Shiny Butler Bot is all sweet now and offering up his circuits for his friend.
Ariel: He's no Rolling Bleepster, but I do love me some Shiny Butler Bot when he's on his game.
Sasha: Which gets us to ...
Ariel: A giant auditorium full of good guys!
Sasha: And really good parade music.
Ariel: Medals! One for Han Solo, and one for Farmboy Luke, and ...
Sasha: One for Chewbacca, right? I mean, come on, Cinnabon-hair Girl! I know you called him a walking carpet and we've been calling him Shower Buddy Monkey, but he gets a medal, doesn't he?
Ariel: Oh, man, that's cold.
Sasha: Nothing for the Rolling Bleepster either. He literally got shot in the head while keeping Luke's ship from falling apart, but I guess the medal shop doesn't serve his kind any more than the cantina did.
Ariel: He seems okay with it, though.
Sasha: Wouldn't you be? I mean, the guy's been waiting thirty or forty years for something good to happen in this darn galaxy. He's probably like, "Hot damn! It's about time!"
Ariel: Maybe someday they'll subtitle him and we'll know for sure.
Sasha: Or maybe it will be revealed in the next movie.
Ariel: Which we can watch now, because we're done with this one! We did it!
Sasha: Yay, us!
Ariel: See you next time, everybody!
Sasha: Nighty-night!
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Sasha and Ariel Experience ... A Star Wars Trailer!
Sasha: So there we were, not watching something called Monday Night Football.
Ariel: Def not.
Sasha: I mean, we did know there was supposed to be a Star Wars trailer at halftime, but the BF said it would be on the Internet, like, seconds after it was on at halftime.
Ariel: Which I had to say, but how many seconds? It's not like a billion seconds wouldn't be "seconds" after halftime.
Sasha: This is true, but I think if it was going to be years and years, he'd have said "years and years" instead of thinking of it as a billion seconds.
Ariel: I still wanted him to be more specific. And I think it was mean of Elle to say, "If you're worried about it, just sit through the first half of the football game and you'll be sure to see it absolutely as soon as possible."
Sasha: Yeah. I'm pretty sure half of a football game is super-close to a billion seconds. Or that it would feel like that anyway.
Ariel: From what I hear, you're probably right ... but maybe we should watch part of one and blog about the experience just to be sure.
Sasha: Nope. Missed our chance. When's the next time a Star Wars movie will have a trailer in the middle of a football game?
Ariel: I dunno ... a billion seconds from now?
Sasha:Anyhooo. It's true we ended up not really waiting that much. Basically, the very first time we went to Youtube and tried, there it was.
Ariel: Star Wars!!!
Sasha: Mm-hmm. Only once the logo went away, I was like, okay, trees.
Ariel: And bushes and leaves, but yeah, a bunch of trees, and then when something happens, we're like ...
Sasha: Who's that?
Ariel: I dunno. Now someone's talking, but who?
Sasha: No idea.
Ariel: And who's this dude?
Sasha: Beats me, but now there's a whole screen full of people I never saw before.
Ariel: Wait, wait, was that Shiny Butler Bot in one corner?
Sasha: Was it? They changed scenes too fast. Now there's some Asian lady. Is she important?
Ariel: Who knows? There are people behind her looking at her, but I don't know what that means because I don't know who they are? Are they somebodies? Are they nobodies?
Sasha: Hey, though! It's I-Don't-Know Guy and another I-Don't-Know Guy and -- Shower Buddy Monkey!
Ariel: We know him!
Sasha: Yes! Oop, but now we're back to this girl we don't know.
Ariel: And here comes a guy we don't know.
Sasha: But he's got a red sword, so he's bad, right?
Ariel: Maybe?
Sasha: Now there's a sort of familiar voice talking while we're looking at a chair.
Ariel: It's not Wise Old Gnome-Toad, is it? No, it sounds too evil.
Sasha: Sort of like Big Space Politician after Bald Toughie messed his face up.
Ariel: Hey, yeah! And here come I-Don't-Know Girl, I-Don't-Know Guy, and Another I-Don't-Know Guy with Shower Buddy Monkey and Shiny Butler Bot! That's like, two out of five people in a scene we know!
Sasha: And now some robots we don't know, and ... uh-oh, they're all gathered round while Shiny Butler Bot sounds like he's giving a Big Death Scene Speech.
Ariel: Nooo, don't kill Shiny Butler Bot! He's like half the people we still know!
Sasha: I think that's exactly what the Rolling Bleepster is saying right there.
Ariel: Now who's this old chick hugging I-Don't-Know Girl?
Sasha: I don't know, and now she's gone again, and there's more talking by a different voice that also sounds kinda familiar.
Ariel: Followed by Red-Sword-Maybe-a-Bad-Guy and I-Don't-Know Girl teaming up to destroy ... what is, that, a ball return at a space bowling alley?
Sasha: It got destroyed too quick. I couldn't tell. Do you think in Star Wars the one thing good guys and bad guys can agree on is bowling sucks?
Ariel: Does it suck?
Sasha: How should I know? But they sure seemed to not like it.
Ariel: True
Sasha: Now some stuff-stuff-stuff about destiny and the Force ... and, done.
Ariel: WHERE WAS EVERYBODY!!!
Sasha: Like Darth Vader! And Han Solo!
Ariel: Cinnabon-hair Girl! Wise Old Gnome-Toad!
Sasha: Mom-Killing-Twin-Number-One, a.k.a. Farmboy Luke?
Ariel: Were they some of the voices?
Sasha: Is it so far in the future that now Cinnabon-hair Girl is Huggy Old Chick?
Ariel: I guess she might have changed her hair.
Sasha: Hmmm. So how do we feel?
Ariel: I'm confused! But excited!
Sasha: "That's what she said."
Ariel: No, that's what I said ... oh, wait, I get it. Well, what did you think?
Sasha: I'm excited and confused.
Ariel: We obviously need to watch these next four movies and then look at this thing again.
Sasha: Yep. Bring on Episode V!
Ariel: With any luck it will be my second-favorite thing with a "V" in it.
Sasha: Fingers crossed!
Ariel and Sasha: Okay, everybody, may the Force be with you!
Ariel: Def not.
Sasha: I mean, we did know there was supposed to be a Star Wars trailer at halftime, but the BF said it would be on the Internet, like, seconds after it was on at halftime.
Ariel: Which I had to say, but how many seconds? It's not like a billion seconds wouldn't be "seconds" after halftime.
Sasha: This is true, but I think if it was going to be years and years, he'd have said "years and years" instead of thinking of it as a billion seconds.
Ariel: I still wanted him to be more specific. And I think it was mean of Elle to say, "If you're worried about it, just sit through the first half of the football game and you'll be sure to see it absolutely as soon as possible."
Sasha: Yeah. I'm pretty sure half of a football game is super-close to a billion seconds. Or that it would feel like that anyway.
Ariel: From what I hear, you're probably right ... but maybe we should watch part of one and blog about the experience just to be sure.
Sasha: Nope. Missed our chance. When's the next time a Star Wars movie will have a trailer in the middle of a football game?
Ariel: I dunno ... a billion seconds from now?
Sasha:Anyhooo. It's true we ended up not really waiting that much. Basically, the very first time we went to Youtube and tried, there it was.
Ariel: Star Wars!!!
Sasha: Mm-hmm. Only once the logo went away, I was like, okay, trees.
Ariel: And bushes and leaves, but yeah, a bunch of trees, and then when something happens, we're like ...
Sasha: Who's that?
Ariel: I dunno. Now someone's talking, but who?
Sasha: No idea.
Ariel: And who's this dude?
Sasha: Beats me, but now there's a whole screen full of people I never saw before.
Ariel: Wait, wait, was that Shiny Butler Bot in one corner?
Sasha: Was it? They changed scenes too fast. Now there's some Asian lady. Is she important?
Ariel: Who knows? There are people behind her looking at her, but I don't know what that means because I don't know who they are? Are they somebodies? Are they nobodies?
Sasha: Hey, though! It's I-Don't-Know Guy and another I-Don't-Know Guy and -- Shower Buddy Monkey!
Ariel: We know him!
Sasha: Yes! Oop, but now we're back to this girl we don't know.
Ariel: And here comes a guy we don't know.
Sasha: But he's got a red sword, so he's bad, right?
Ariel: Maybe?
Sasha: Now there's a sort of familiar voice talking while we're looking at a chair.
Ariel: It's not Wise Old Gnome-Toad, is it? No, it sounds too evil.
Sasha: Sort of like Big Space Politician after Bald Toughie messed his face up.
Ariel: Hey, yeah! And here come I-Don't-Know Girl, I-Don't-Know Guy, and Another I-Don't-Know Guy with Shower Buddy Monkey and Shiny Butler Bot! That's like, two out of five people in a scene we know!
Sasha: And now some robots we don't know, and ... uh-oh, they're all gathered round while Shiny Butler Bot sounds like he's giving a Big Death Scene Speech.
Ariel: Nooo, don't kill Shiny Butler Bot! He's like half the people we still know!
Sasha: I think that's exactly what the Rolling Bleepster is saying right there.
Ariel: Now who's this old chick hugging I-Don't-Know Girl?
Sasha: I don't know, and now she's gone again, and there's more talking by a different voice that also sounds kinda familiar.
Ariel: Followed by Red-Sword-Maybe-a-Bad-Guy and I-Don't-Know Girl teaming up to destroy ... what is, that, a ball return at a space bowling alley?
Sasha: It got destroyed too quick. I couldn't tell. Do you think in Star Wars the one thing good guys and bad guys can agree on is bowling sucks?
Ariel: Does it suck?
Sasha: How should I know? But they sure seemed to not like it.
Ariel: True
Sasha: Now some stuff-stuff-stuff about destiny and the Force ... and, done.
Ariel: WHERE WAS EVERYBODY!!!
Sasha: Like Darth Vader! And Han Solo!
Ariel: Cinnabon-hair Girl! Wise Old Gnome-Toad!
Sasha: Mom-Killing-Twin-Number-One, a.k.a. Farmboy Luke?
Ariel: Were they some of the voices?
Sasha: Is it so far in the future that now Cinnabon-hair Girl is Huggy Old Chick?
Ariel: I guess she might have changed her hair.
Sasha: Hmmm. So how do we feel?
Ariel: I'm confused! But excited!
Sasha: "That's what she said."
Ariel: No, that's what I said ... oh, wait, I get it. Well, what did you think?
Sasha: I'm excited and confused.
Ariel: We obviously need to watch these next four movies and then look at this thing again.
Sasha: Yep. Bring on Episode V!
Ariel: With any luck it will be my second-favorite thing with a "V" in it.
Sasha: Fingers crossed!
Ariel and Sasha: Okay, everybody, may the Force be with you!