Ariel: Okay, so we were a little bit lazy last time and didn't go through all of Star Wars: Episode Ivy.
Sasha: Also, we didn't want to spoil ALL of the movie for people who haven't seen it.
Ariel: Well, maybe we said that, but tbh, really, I was just being lazy.
Sasha: I'm shocked.
Ariel: Anyway, others have told us they really enjoyed our "play-by-play" (which I believe is a thing Shakespeare invented) --
Sasha: That's "play within a play."
Ariel: You must of been paying more attention when MSG and Elle were talking about Shakespeare.
Sasha: You did seem kinda distracted at the time.
Ariel: So anyway, other people said they enjoyed our "play-by-play" (which now I don't even know what they really meant by that), so we thought we'd come back and do some more of the movie.
Sasha: It was also bothering me a little that we were so lazy.
Ariel: Not me.
Sasha: I know.
Ariel: Oh, but just in case anyone is reading this and hasn't read the first part, you should go check it out at this link: right here! If we've learned one thing about Star Wars, it's that you don't want to start in the middle.
Sasha: Except a lot of people say that's exactly where you should start.
Ariel: I'll have to trust them that watching that way worked out for them. Now, where were we?
Sasha: Jazz Band Someone Lost A Hand Land.
Ariel: Right, which is also known as the "Cantina" I guess.
Sasha: I heard that too.
Ariel: All I know is, if this place is a cantina, I don't want to know what ina-ing is, because wow, the joint is hopping!
Sasha: There's a lot to take in.
Ariel: Maybe ina-ing means serving droids, 'cause the jerk-face bartender says he won't do it.
Sasha: What a jerk.
Ariel: But not as big a jerk as Messed-Up-Face Dude.
Sasha: Nope. That dude has issues.
Ariel: Hey, do you think his face is messed up because he's the guy whose face Elle Three messed up in that Solo movie?
Sasha: Could be. That would explain why he sticks to bars where they don't allow robots.
Ariel: Mmmm ... I don't know. He doesn't seem like the kinda guy who learns his lessons.
Sasha: Definitely not.
Ariel: Maybe having his friend's arm cut off by Oldster Jesus will do the trick.
Sasha: Although maybe Messed-Up-Face Dude gets himself cut in half or something. We really don't see what happens to him.
Ariel: Would Oldster Jesus do that?
Sasha: I mean, he did cut off his best friend's arm and legs and leave him to burn up in volcano land.
Ariel: Uh-oh. That's a spoiler for Epsiode Ai-Yai-Yai. We didn't tell people to pull their spoiler blankets over their heads yet.
Sasha: Well if they read last time or followed your link this time they know we're spoiling things right and left, so they only have themselves to blame.
Ariel: Whew! Now my conscience is clean.
Sasha: Unlike the cantina floor.
Ariel: No time for mopping up alien dismember-limb blood, though, because holy moly, look who's with Oldster Jesus!
Sasha: Han Solo's Shower Buddy Monkey! Can Han be far behind?
Ariel: Nope! Here he is, sliding right into their booth like he's lived there all his life.
Sasha: Or at least since last time we saw him in Solo, coz he looks a lot older.
Ariel: Seems a lot grumpier, too.
Sasha: Well, his girlfriend did leave him for a cut-in-half, fell-down-a-well bad guy.
Ariel: I sure wish there wasn't only the one Solo movie so we'd know how that turned out!
Sasha: I'm guessing not so good.
Ariel: Apparently not, since now he's telling Shower Buddy they need their asses saved, and next he's having to kill this alien with a head like a squeaky chew-toy for a puppy.
Sasha: Yeah he's clearly way less light-hearted than he used to be!
Ariel: And now we're back to Darth Vader and Mean CGI Guy. I still can't believe how much better the CGI is on him in this movie than the last one.
Sasha: I'm starting to think they went the cheap route and just got an actor that looked and sounded like the CGI character.
Ariel: Well, good job either way. And even better ... here comes the Millenium Falcon!
Sasha: Looking a little worse for the wear.
Ariel: Not as much as Han, though ... and way not as much as Oldster Jesus!
Sasha: True, it's still pretty cool looking. I don't know why Mom-Killing Twin Number One says it's a piece of junk.
Ariel: Even Han is saying she doesn't look like much! Sheesh!
Sasha: I'm just hoping they figured out how to patch Elle Three into the speakers by now. She was a hoot in the other movie.
Ariel: Yeah, but not that easy to get along with.
Sasha: Maybe that's why Han is so grumpy.
Ariel: Could be.
Sasha: Aha! Back to Darth and Mean Formerly CGI Guy, still making life miserable for Cinnabon-hair Girl.
Ariel: She's tough, though. She won't give them anything.
Sasha: What! All they do is say they're going to blow up her planet and she coughs up the secret base?
Ariel: Wow. Lame. I mean, they're evil, but she's got to know they're bluffing. Surely they wouldn't really -- ohhhkay, then. I guess they would.
Sasha: Yikes, and even after she did what they wanted!
Ariel: These guys suck. I mean, her dad's on that planet.
Sasha: Oooh, yeah. The adopted one who said last movie that he'd trust her with his life.
Ariel: Bad move, Adopted Dad. Looks like she let you down on that one.
Sasha: She's not getting her allowance next week, that's for sure.
Ariel: Or any of the weeks.
Sasha: Oh, right.
Ariel: Here we go, though, Farmboy Luke is learning to use his lightsaber the same way Wise Old Gnome-Toad taught the toddlers back in Episode 2.
Sasha: All right, now we get to see what Luke is really made of!
Ariel: And the answer is ... about half a toddler's worth.
Sasha: Sigh. Dude, the heroine of our first three movies died so she could have you. Pick it up, already!
Ariel: At least Han is there to mock him.
Sasha: Also, though, you have to admit Oldster Jesus does know his stuff. Maybe if he has the whole rest of this movie to train the kid, Luke will be a pretty kick-ass Jedi by next movie.
Ariel: We can only hope. For now, though, Han says they're coming up on Alderaan!
Sasha: Get ready for disappointment, dudes.
Ariel: Speaking of disappointment, yay! Mean Formerly CGI Guy is all pissed to find out Leia didn't really give him the location of the base!
Sasha: Wow. He totally went back on his deal with her and blew up her whole planet, but now he goes ape-shit because she lied to him.
Ariel: To be fair, he didn't actually make a deal with her, he just asked her if she would prefer a different target. He never said naming a different target would keep him from killing Adopted Dad and everyone else she ever knew.
Sasha: I guess that makes it okay then. I can see why he thinks her lie is worse. Not!
Ariel: And now he says to terminate her immediately! What!
Sasha: Oldster Jesus and his squad are never going to get there in time to save her ... they're not even out of hyperspace yet.
Ariel: Yeah, she's done for. I mean, unless "immediately" means something way different where he's from.
Sasha: You mean, like if he's from Antonym Planet or something? So far he sure seems to have been speaking straight up English as far as I can see.
Ariel: Although it could be that they wanted to put salt in her wounds and after she said where the Rebel Base was, they officially made her a Death Star employee and gave her Employee of the Month.
Sasha: Haha, that would have been pretty mean! You can see why he'd be ticked off and want to fire her, if she not only lied but also didn't deserve Employee of the Month.
Ariel: He probably had a plaque made and everything.
Sasha: It's hanging on the wall in her cell to taunt her, but it turns out she wasted his time.
Ariel: He probably had to sign a lot of HR paperwork to get her on payroll and nominate her for the award.
Sasha: All that red tape he went through, and the joke's on him. No wonder he thinks they should terminate her.
Ariel: And if it has to go back through HR, then even "immediately" probably means there's plenty of time for the crew to get there and save her.
Sasha: From being fired?
Ariel: Or more torture, or maybe even actually getting killed. Take your pick.
Sasha: I can't wait for Luke to meet her and say, "It's like looking in a mirror!"
Ariel: Well, that will have to wait for next time, because I'm feeling lazy again. Howabouts we wrap this one up and finish off in a third post?
Sasha: Ooh, like, Episode One, Two, and Three of our Star Wars post! I like it.
Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight, everybody!
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