Sasha: Okay, lazybones. Here we are, being troopers and finishing what we started!
Ariel: Errgh ... even as excited about Star Wars as I am, now that we're sitting down to do this I'm worried about how much movie we have left!
Sasha: You sound like Farmboy Luke when Oldster Jesus asked him to come to Alderaan the first time. What a whiner!
Ariel: Hey, if you want to be Oldster Jesus and I'll be Farmboy Luke, that's okay by me. Oldster does most of the tricky bits from here on out. Farmboy just runs around with no plan falling into trash cans and stuff.
Sasha: I'm not sure you're remembering the last half of this movie correctly ...
Ariel: See? Another reason we might want to take it easy on ourselves and split this one up even more.
Sasha: So you'll have longer to forget even more? Nope. Come on, let's get going, because you're just making this take even longer by complaining.
Ariel: Okay, okay. I guess we should pick up ... uh ... oh, with them hiding in the coaxium compartments!
Sasha: You're blowing your excuse of not remembering when you can call them coaxium compartments. That was two whole movies ago.
Ariel: Yeah, but they said "coaxium" about a million times in that movie.
Sasha: True.
Ariel: Anyway, the Death Star tractor beams them and sucks them into a hangar bay, but I guess none of the investigating plastic-suit dudes is smart enough to think, "Hey, maybe these hollow sounding panels we're walking on are actually hollow and somebody might be hiding under them."
Sasha: I don't think they were hired for their brains.
Ariel: Were they hired or were they cloned? They sorta look like the clone dudes from the first three movies, but they don't sound like them.
Sasha: That's a good question.
Ariel: I bet even if they're cloned, they would eventually have different voices because otherwise how do you keep them from playing phone pranks? As soon as one of them realizes they all sound alike, it would be phone prank chaos.
Sasha: Maybe.
Ariel: Anyway, our good guys are lucky the the Maybe Clones aren't smarter or they'd of gotten found.
Sasha: Also lucky they didn't just come on board with a Rolling Bleepster kind of robot, since he can detect life forms from way off.
Ariel: Good point! If I was the bad guys, I'd make sure I had a Rolling Bleepster on all my ships watching for people smuggling themselves in.
Sasha: Maybe the bad guys will wise up and that will happen in a future movie.
Ariel: Ooh! Exciting plot twist! We should write Star Wars movies.
Sasha: Are you kidding? We can't even finish writing a post about a Star Wars movie. Do you know how much work it would be to write the movie itself?
Ariel: Okay, I take it back. Although our movie would be over a lot quicker, like Darth Vader would choke Cinnabon-hair Girl to death in scene two and Oldster Jesus would already have taught Farmboy Luke to be a Jedi by now and they could just pop out and trash the place.
Sasha: Or else instead of saying, "Hmm, I sense something" and then immediately leaving, Darth Vader would be, like, "I think I'll walk up this ramp and have a closer look and maybe sense whatever it is a little better."
Ariel: Ugh. Darth Vader. I don't even like calling him that when he used to be Teen Hottie and Cute Little Slave Boy before that.
Sasha: We could come up with a funny name for him like we do for everybody else.
Ariel: I don't like that either, because it's too sad. Plus we'd be terrible people if we called him something like Amputeen Hottie just for a cheap laugh.
Sasha: Yeah, that would be in really bad taste. Although it is pretty funny that the "Hottie" part still works on account of him getting burned up with lava.
Ariel: Ouch, on a whole lot of levels.
Sasha: Back to the movie. Some guys come in with a metal detector, or I guess a people detector, since even though it looks like a metal detector, that wouldn't make any sense.
Ariel: Pretty much metal everywhere right now, so it would just go crazy like the Rolling Bleepster getting zapped with electricity.
Sasha: Maybe that's why they stop and open it up before they go on the ship, to make sure they didn't bring a metal detector.
Ariel: That would suck to lug it all the way up that ramp and then open it and be like, "Damn it! Metal detector again!"
Sasha: Not that they get a chance to detect with it, because they go down with a really loud clunk as soon as they get inside.
Ariel: My theory is, Oldster Jesus waved his hand at them and said, "You will curl up and take a nap in these coaxium compartments" and they were like, "We will curl up and take a nap in these coaxium compartments" and then they dropped the box and got napping.
Sasha: That's a happier ending for them than my theory.
Ariel: They're like the only guys who made it off the Death Star, because they were napping in the compartments.
Sasha: I'm thinking there may be several reasons why they wouldn't have kept napping so long, but okay.
Ariel: Look, we already agreed I shouldn't write these movies, right? Like, the next scene would have been way short. Farmboy Luke says, "She's here, the princess!" and Han Solo would be like, "Well dang, we'd better rescue her then" instead of being such a grumpus.
Sasha: We should call him Grump Solo.
Ariel: But I have to admit, this scene is funnier with him being Grump Solo than if he was all, "Hey, let's help everybody" like he was in his own movie.
Sasha: I mean, he really only did that once, and the people he agreed to help did have him and his friends outnumbered a ton to one.
Ariel: What? No, his girlfriend even said it straight up that he's the good guy and would help them.
Sasha: You mean the girlfriend who could've grabbed a fortune in space-diamonds and lived happily ever after with him and instead ran off to Robot-Legs Evil-Lightsaber Gangster-Dude? I'm not sure her situation assessment skills were the best.
Ariel: We're getting distracted back into the wrong movie.
Sasha: Sure, but I think that's how we know we're turning into Star Wars fans.
Ariel: Good point! On to the Detention Block.
Sasha: First they ride the elevator, which keeps up the streak of movies with elevator rides in them that's been going on since, what, Attack of the Clones?
Ariel: Longer! They basically watched that whole pod race in the first movie from a big elevator platform.
Sasha: You're right! I wonder if there's an elevator in all the movies after this too.
Ariel: I guess we'll have to watch them and see.
Sasha: I like how they wave off the guys who want to get on the elevator with them.
Ariel: Yeah, it's like everybody knows this is galactic sign language for, "Sorry, we wish you could ride with us but we have this monkey."
Sasha: Haha!
Ariel: Oh my god, this is taking us so long.
Sasha: Hush! We're getting to the most exciting parts. It will be easy.
Ariel: There starts to be a lot of shooting at this point, it's true.
Sasha: And then they find Cinnabon-hair Girl and she instantly starts mouthing off to everybody.
Ariel: I guess when you're scheduled for termination, it blows your enthusiasm for making a good first impression.
Sasha: She does get them out of that jam super-quick, though.
Ariel: Yes, but first Darth Vader tells Mean CGI Guy Obi-Wan Kenobi is there.
Sasha: He seems awfully sure about it for somebody who left the detecting to a couple of dudes with a box of gizmos.
Ariel: Maybe he already had it figured out right when he first sensed him. "Hmm. Sure smells like Sexy Jesus is here, but old. I bet he's going to try to turn off the tractor beam so these dudes can get away. That would totally be like him. I'll pretend I don't get it and hurry off now, so Mean CGI Guy and I can hatch some kind of diabolical plan."
Sasha: That actually makes a lot of sense considering what all happens coming up.
Ariel: Thank you!
Sasha: You're welcome. Now there's a tentacle thing and some trash compacting, and Shiny Butler Bot almost gets everybody squashed because he wants to gab while they're getting compacted.
Ariel: Shiny Butler Bot is hilarious in this movie.
Sasha: Agreed. But at least they're out of the trash compactor now and free to have Cinnabon-hair Girl do more mouthing off and everybody do more shooting.
Ariel: So much shooting!
Sasha: Hard to believe the bad guys are missing so much after Oldster Jesus made such a big point of them being ultra-precise at the burnt-up anvil truck.
Ariel: They're missing on purpose. There's a diabolical plan going on, remember? Look, you can even see it when the Mom-Killing Twins are about to swing across that why-the-hell-did-somebody-put-this-here chasm. The one dude is tapping the other on the shoulder, and the other dude is like, "Dude, can't you see I'm shooting here?" And the tapping guy is all pointing like, "Hey, I'm just saying, we're getting orders to leave them alone."
Sasha: I did not notice that.
Ariel: I picked up on the galactic sign language translations really fast.
Sasha: You're really smart sometimes.
Ariel: It's helpful being smart when you're always working on laziness strategies.
Sasha: Now I understand.
Ariel: Speaking of lazy, here's Darth Vader standing around waiting for Obi-Wan to come to him.
Sasha: I'm sure he's just psyching himself up for this big battle.
Ariel: I know! I can't wait. The last one was crazy exciting, and these guys have been waiting for a rematch for decades.
Sasha: Plus Darth Vader is a cyborg now, which should make him even tougher.
Ariel: This is going to be so good.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: ...
Sasha: Okay then. Well.
Ariel: Slightly ... less exciting ...
Sasha: I guess that's what happens when it's twenty years since you had anybody to practice sword-fighting against?
Ariel: I guess. On the other hand, I also guess if the lightsaber battle was as good as the last one, this next bit with them shooting at the Tie Fighters wouldn't be quite as amazing.
Sasha: True. And it is really good.
Ariel: That music!
Sasha and Ariel: Bum! Bum! Bum-bahhhhh -- bum-bum-bum-bum! Bum! Bum! Bum-bahhhh ...
Ariel: I'm glad it's so exciting, because that ladder between the gun turrets confuses the heck out of me.
Sasha: Right? It's like, which way is up? Which way is down? Is it all up and down? Is there a sideways?
Ariel: It looks like there's a sideways, I just can't figure out how it works.
Sasha: Thankfully, there are lots of explosions to distract us.
Ariel: Plus that music. Bum! Bum! Bum-bahhh ...
Sasha: And now Mean CGI Guy is confirming your theory! It was a diabolical plan all along!
Ariel: Cinnabon-hair Girl is wise to that right away, though.
Sasha: She's a smart cookie. Or pastry. Something baked, anyway.
Ariel: She doesn't have a lot of faith in our heroes from the last movie, though. She's like, "I only hope when they analyze the plans, it doesn't turn out we lost our head of security and all of Blue Squadron and got half our fleet blown up for no damn reason."
Sasha: Maybe watching the Death Star toast her whole home planet put a damper on her optimism.
Ariel: Wait ... a damper? Oh, man, I think I've been saying that phrase wrong. I thought it was "put a diaper on" whatever you're putting it on.
Sasha: Put a diaper on her optimism?
Ariel: I mean, it would make sense, like she's saying optimism is for babies.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Don't tell Elle or she'll say I'm being an idiomt again.
Sasha: I promise I'm definitely not repeating that one. On to the final battle.
Ariel: So this is weird ... almost all the battles up till now have been really exciting, and obviously the special effects in this one aren't as good ... but it was soooo dramatic!
Sasha: I was really glad they brought back Red Leader and Gold Leader from last movie. Nice continuity.
Ariel: I know, right? And when they're calling Farmboy Luke "Red Five" I was all, "Watch out, Luke, that's not a good-luck kinda name!"
Sasha: Nice use of something from the previous movie to add tension to this one.
Ariel: Although all those reminders did make me sad thinking about Blue Squadron getting totally wiped out.
Sasha: Poor Blue Squadron. And poor all these guys, too!
Ariel: Red Leader! Gold Leader! The fat guy! The old crusty guy!
Sasha: Luke's friend Biggs!
Ariel: I really didn't feel like we got to know all those pilots who got blown up in the previous movies, but in this one the dudes all seem like such real people!
Sasha: Except for them all being dudes.
Ariel: Yeah, that was weird. I mean, the previous movies were pretty short on lady pilots, but this one is like, not a chick to be seen.
Sasha: Apparently they were all in Blue Squadron.
Ariel: I guess. Maybe the director didn't want to show Darth Vader personally killing a bunch of girl pilots.
Sasha: Huh? Like, he can dice a bunch of toddlers in Episode Ai-yai-yai but shooting down ace pilots who happen to be ladies would be too much?
Ariel: I don't know. Some things about these movies definitely confuse me.
Sasha: Maybe better not to think about it too much. Just enjoy the excitement and the drama.
Ariel: Like, Oh no! Darth Vader gets a headshot on the Rolling Bleepster! Does he not remember everything the Bleepster did for him in the earlier movies?
Sasha: I'm going to be pissed if that's the end of Rolling Bleepster. That dude rocks.
Ariel: Maybe they can fix him later if Mom-Killing-Twin Number One can hurry up and kill this Death Star as well as he killed his mom.
Sasha: Well, he did have help from his sister on that one.
Ariel: And now he's all on his own -- but not quite, there's Oldster Jesus on the radio!
Sasha: Or he's a ghost.
Ariel: Well, those Jedi guys can see the future sometimes, right? Maybe Oldster Jesus saw all this coming, and he recorded some lines and told Rolling Bleepster, "Okay, dude, if things are looking bad, set Farmboy Luke's cockpit recorder to play this for him."
Sasha: That sounds like kind of a whack plan.
Ariel: What, more whack than, "Let's put Teen Hottie under more stress than any other Jedi has ever been put under, make him spy on his buddy, and then act like we don't trust him when he comes back and tells us what he learned from the spying?" I mean, these Jedi guys have kind of a bad record on figuring out how to motivate these Skywalker boys.
Sasha: I'm still going with he's a ghost.
Ariel: Fine. But at least Han Solo isn't! Here he comes flying out of the sun to save the day!
Sasha: I knew he wasn't all Grump Solo. Yay!
Ariel: And kaaaa-BOOM!
Sasha: Ooh, I like the little twinkly music after the Death Star blows up.
Ariel: Like it got blown into a gazillion little wind chimes.
Sasha: And now they're back at HQ.
Ariel: And Rolling Bleepster doesn't look all that bad! Maybe they can fix him!
Sasha: Aw, Shiny Butler Bot is all sweet now and offering up his circuits for his friend.
Ariel: He's no Rolling Bleepster, but I do love me some Shiny Butler Bot when he's on his game.
Sasha: Which gets us to ...
Ariel: A giant auditorium full of good guys!
Sasha: And really good parade music.
Ariel: Medals! One for Han Solo, and one for Farmboy Luke, and ...
Sasha: One for Chewbacca, right? I mean, come on, Cinnabon-hair Girl! I know you called him a walking carpet and we've been calling him Shower Buddy Monkey, but he gets a medal, doesn't he?
Ariel: Oh, man, that's cold.
Sasha: Nothing for the Rolling Bleepster either. He literally got shot in the head while keeping Luke's ship from falling apart, but I guess the medal shop doesn't serve his kind any more than the cantina did.
Ariel: He seems okay with it, though.
Sasha: Wouldn't you be? I mean, the guy's been waiting thirty or forty years for something good to happen in this darn galaxy. He's probably like, "Hot damn! It's about time!"
Ariel: Maybe someday they'll subtitle him and we'll know for sure.
Sasha: Or maybe it will be revealed in the next movie.
Ariel: Which we can watch now, because we're done with this one! We did it!
Sasha: Yay, us!
Ariel: See you next time, everybody!
Sasha: Nighty-night!
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