Sasha: OMG. I mean, like, OM-effing-G.
Ariel: I was looking for the words, and I think you found them, Sash. Well, the letters for them anyway.
Sasha: There we were, watching movies I through III ...
Ariel: Like, la-la-la, this one's okay, this one's really good, this one's too sad ...
Sasha: And then the next two, Solo and Rogue One ...
Ariel: The lonely ones. All by themselves! But good anyway, except some sad parts in both of them.
Sasha: Sad is pretty understatement-y for Rogue One -- I mean, pull your spoiler blanket over your heads here, folks, 'cause EVERYONE dies.
Ariel: Although at least they didn't all turn crazy evil and join the bad guys, so it was happier than III, or as we're calling it now, Episode Eye-Eye-Eye.
Sasha: But faster, so it sounds like, "Ai-yai-yai!"
Ariel: And you have to kind of hit your forehead with the palm of your hand while you're saying it, "Episode Ai-Yai-Yai!"
Sasha: But what we're trying to say really is, we thought we had this Star Wars stuff figured out.
Ariel: Which, why wouldn't we? I mean, five out of ten movies is half, right? I know that much math at least. We watched the whole first half of the series, so obviously we must be getting the hang of it, right?
Sasha: I honestly think our reasoning was pretty flawless. We watch five movies, and they all land in the area of pretty good to really good to actually pretty excellent, and they're all full of neat-o space stuff and special effects and interesting characters, and they build up this interesting unique universe with wild stuff in it like laser swords and space-magicians ...
Ariel: Plus great music!
Sasha: Right! So it was starting to make sense that everybody likes these movies.
Ariel: Maybe going a little overboard with them. I mean, they were good, but most of them could have been happier ...
Sasha: Definitely.
Ariel: And then.
Sasha: Friday morning.
Ariel and Sasha: STAR WARS EPISODE IVY!
Ariel: That's "Ivy" like in "Ivy League."
Sasha: Meaning, genius-grade schooling by genius teachers who know more than you.
Ariel: We didn't know anything!
Sasha: Which normally doesn't surprise us, but in this case, after five movies worth of thinking we'd been learning a lot, it was a shocker.
Ariel: This movie had ALL. THE. THINGS.
Sasha: It starts up, and you're like, "Oh, look, there's the ship from the end of the last movie."
Ariel: And then you're like, "Hey! It's Shiny Butler-Bot and the Rolling Bleepster, I didn't know they were on that ship!"
Sasha: And then you're like, "Aha! The Cinnabon-hair Girl, and she doesn't look Photoshopped-in this time! And she's giving something to the Rolling Bleepster! And now Shiny Butler-Bot is talking about Kessel, which we watched a whole movie about!"
Ariel: And now Darth Vader is RIGHT THERE.
Sasha: Choking people. So evil. And he used to be just a nice little kid!
Ariel: Now it's all choking, all the time. But the Death Star plans aren't in the main computer!
Sasha: They'd better not be, or all those people last movie died for nothing.
Ariel: That would be awful! If he chokes enough guys, though, he'll find them, I'm thinking. Except ... didn't someone give them to Cinnabon-hair Girl end of last movie?
Sasha: OMG. She put them in the Rolling Bleepster. Just in time! Here comes her big choking death, I'm thinking.
Ariel: And we never even learned her name. But then Darth Vader doesn't kill her!
Sasha: And the droids get away and land on another sand planet.
Ariel: It's always a sand planet or desert planet, right?
Sasha: One or more in pretty much every movie so far.
Ariel: Only it's not just another one this time, 'cause there's the Rolling Bleepster going down a canyon at sunset and it looks EXACTLY like the sunset when Teen Hotty was searching for his mom in the second movie.
Sasha: You mean the part where he's talking to the little pointy-hood dude in front of that giant anvil truck?
Ariel: Yes! And now look! More little pointy-hood dudes zapping the Rolling Bleepster!
Sasha: And putting him in an anvil truck! It IS the same planet.
Ariel: Wait ... wait, isn't that the same planet where Sexy Jesus took Mom-Killing Twin Number One at the end of Ai-Yai-Yai?
Sasha: You're right! And OMG times one million, look where the anvil truck just pulled up!
Ariel: The same sand-pit house. And now some lady is calling that farm kid "Luke!" He's Mom-Killer One all grown up!
Sasha: Kind of whiny, it turns out. Although I guess that makes sense considering how his dad acted when he was Teen Hotty. "It's not fair!"
Ariel: Runs in the family, apparently.
Sasha: Whoop! Here's Cinnabon-hair Girl again. Wait ... wait, what did she just say?
Ariel: It sounded like ... oh, she's saying it again ... "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi." Hey! That's --
Sasha and Ariel: SEXY JESUS!
Ariel: Although he's got to be pretty old by now ... probably not so sexy any more.
Sasha: Not if he's aged as bad as Owen and Beru. Yowtch! Sunscreen, guys! Especially on a desert planet, you should be taking better care of that skin.
Ariel: True that. And maybe they don't know any better 'cause they're just farmers from a sand planet, but Sexy Jesus is mister super-detective, so he's going to be smarter than ...
Sasha: Nope. Here he is, and he looks just as bad.
Ariel: Sigh.
Sasha: But at least Luke Mom-killer is now learning the truth!
Ariel: Somewhat. Oldster Jesus seems to have a bad memory about certain things.
Sasha: Kind of like he's even lying. But anyway, here comes Cinnabon-hair Girl's selfie vid from the Rolling Bleepster.
Ariel: I wish we knew her name. Maybe she'll introduce herself.
Sasha: No such luck ... only ... she says Oldster Jesus served her father in the Clone Wars ... is that a clue?
Ariel: Her father's the Wise Old Gnome-Toad?
Sasha: Seems unlikely.
Ariel: Bald Toughie?
Sasha: I think he died out that window. Plus, not much of a family resemblance. Who lived that was one of Oldster Jesus's bosses?
Ariel: Nobody. I mean, maybe sort of Senator Chancellor Whosit who turned out to be the bad guy. He was kind of everybody's boss at one point.
Sasha: I don't think she's talking about him.
Ariel: Me either.
Sasha: Hang TF on, though!
Ariel: What?
Sasha: Shiny Butler-Bot and the Rolling Bleepster were on her ship, right?
Ariel: Right ...
Sasha: And last movie they were at the Rebel headquarters where the one dude said he would send somebody for his Jedi friend.
Ariel: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That dude was the same dude from the World's Worst Flying Maternity Ward.
Sasha: The one who took Mom-Killing Twin Number Two home with him!
Ariel: That's crazy. That means Cinnabon-hair Girl would be Farmkid Luke's SISTER.
Sasha: Okay, dude, he soooo has to go to Alderaan with Oldster Jesus and find that out.
Ariel: Only she's not there 'cause Darth Vader's got her.
Sasha: OMG. She's Darth Vader's daughter and he doesn't even know.
Ariel: Whoa, speak of the devil, now here comes Darth himself!
Sasha: And Mean CGI Guy!
Ariel: Dang, the CGI on him is so much better this time.
Sasha: Wait, now he's saying the Death Star isn't operational yet? It seemed pretty damn operational last movie when it toasted all our heroes! Well, the two who weren't already dead, anyway.
Ariel: Oh, but he doesn't want all the credit to go to I'm-in-Charge-Look-at-my-Cape guy, right? So he's pretending it's not operational yet.
Sasha: Pretty convenient for him that Look-at-my-Cape was on the planet when he toasted it.
Ariel: I bet he planned that. Wow, he's mean.
Sasha: Speaking of mean, look! What's up with all the pointy-hood dudes being dead?
Ariel: This is looking bad ... uh-oh. Oh, no ...
Sasha and Ariel: Owen and Beru! Noooo!
Sasha: Welp, wasn't any amount of sunscreen would have protected them from that.
Ariel: On the plus side, now Farmkid Luke is free to go to Alderaan with Oldster Jesus.
Sasha: Whoosh! And that's barely just the start of it! What, this was maybe the first third?
Ariel: Maybe. We're not even to The Return of Han Solo and Shower-Buddy Monkey in Jazz-Band-Someone-Lost-a-Hand Land.
Sasha: Or Mean CGI Guy revealing that yes, Cinnabon-hair Girl really is the missing Mom-Killer Twin. I think people get the idea, though. This movie is PACKED.
Ariel: Wall-to-wall Awesomeness.
Sasha: It's no wonder everybody loves it forty years later.
Ariel: Anybody who hasn't seen it should really go watch it now.
Sasha: Yeah. Let's stop here and leave them in suspense so they'll be motivated.
Ariel: Nice!
Sasha and Ariel: Bye, everybody!
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