Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Some of the Marvels, Part One!

Sasha: We sure haven't jumped right on our promise to tell everybody about us watching all those Marvel movies and series.

Ariel: Is it series or serieses?

Sasha: Are you really asking that?

Ariel: Yes! Its a seriesous question.

Sasha: Boo. I don't think terrible puns are the best way to get readers to stick with this post.

Ariel: Oh, come on. Anybody who's reading this is reading it because they love us.

Sasha: Right, and it's not that many people, and we know at least one of them happens to hate puns.

Ariel: Ooh, you shouldn't have said that, then.

Sasha: Said what?

Ariel: Happuns.

Sasha: ...

Ariel: Okay already! You don't have to look at me like that! Everybody can just put their spoiler blankets over their heads and we'll get started.

Sasha: Better.

Ariel: So which many of the Marvels are we talking about today.

Sasha: I don't know. It's been months since we finished watching them. I'm not sure I even remember all the first few ones we watched.

Ariel: Um, let's see. Nerdlishous Nazi-Stomper, Captain Marvel, Heavy Metal Man, Heavy Metal Man Again (that's "man again," not "mannequin"), Hammertime Guy, Everybody at Once, Heavy Metal Man Again Again a.k.a. Heavy Metal Mandarin, Hammertime Guy: Lights Out --

Sasha: Okay, stop. That's probably plenty, and also I have to ask why you actually got one of those titles right.

Ariel: I got them all right!

Sasha: Yes, but one of them you actually gave the same title that came up on the Disney And menu when we picked it to watch.

Ariel: Which one was that?

Sasha: (sigh) Captain Marvel?

Ariel: Oh. Well, it would be pretty hard to forget the "Marvel" part since we're talking about Marvels. And also it was pretty memorable because she was the only girl with her own movie in the whole gazillion-movie series. Do you want me to call her Sexy Space Girl instead?

Sasha: Definitely not! Don't you think it seems kind of wrong to sexualize and infantalize the only female character who's gotten her own movie so far?

Ariel: I mean ... I didn't sexualize her. I thought she was pretty sexy all on her own. That's on her, not me.

Sasha: But she has a lot of other traits besides being sexy that you could have picked, and a lot of people think "girl" is a pretty insulting thing to call a powerful, smart woman.

Ariel: Oh. So I can't tell you, "You go, girl!" anymore? Or, do I have to say you're my womanfriend now?

Sasha: This is very off-topic.

Ariel: You started it! I'm the one who actually remembered the right thing to call her! And now I'm all worried I'm going to be insulting you if I say, "Oh, girl!" the wrong way at the wrong time.

Sasha: Ugh. You don't have to be worried about it, because I'm actually your girlfriend, and I know you don't mean it the wrong way.

Ariel: Well, sometimes I do! Sometimes I'm definitely sexualizing you when I say, "Oooh, girl ..."

Sasha: No, no -- once again, I'm your girlfriend. You get to think about me sexually. And you can think about Captain Marvel sexually too, but she's not your girlfriend, so a lot of people would rather you not say she's sexy and call her a girl as the first thing you say about her. That's all I'm trying to tell you.

Ariel: I'm just thinking people who've read my profile on the side part of this blog will maybe give me a break on that.

Sasha: Okay. Sure. You're probably right about that.

Ariel: Whew. Dodged that bullet!

Sasha: What?

Ariel: Oh! Nothing! I was just saying something to myself.

Sasha:What bullet did you think you dodged?

Ariel: Um ... um ...

Sasha: Oh my god. You didn't mean she was a sexy girl from space, did you?

Ariel: How else would I have meant it?

Sasha: You meant she was a girl with a sexy space!

Ariel: Well ... I mean ... this space right in here, on her, you know ... is kind of sexy.

Sasha: Awesome. So instead of just being 2/3 offensive, you called her something a hundred percent offensive.

Ariel: I didn't call her that at all! I just asked you if you wanted me to call her that!

Sasha: ...

Ariel: Scroll back up and look!

Sasha: Can we just talk about these movies?

Ariel: Yes! Good, that's all I wanted!

Sasha: So ... goddamn it.

Ariel: What? And don't swear. That's offensive.

Sasha: Now you've made me think about, uh, that space on her.

Ariel: Don't! You'll destroy all feminism! Think about Nerdlishous Nazi-Stomper after they pump him up from super-scrawny to super-brawny!

Sasha: Okay ... yes. That's kind of more the way I swing anyhow. Wow. Those muscles.

Ariel: I don't know how that's less offensive than thinking about her space, but good. Work with it.

Sasha: Grr.

Ariel: I really liked this movie. Even the non-muscly parts. In fact, I think especially the non-muscly parts.

Sasha: How's that?

Ariel: So, once he turns all big and able to stomp Nazis, the movie is pretty good. There's some decent enough action and it gets all sad at the end where he has to ditch the giant nuclear boomerang into the water and he doesn't get to have that dance with the ... woman! The extremely smart and competent woman who I can't even remember what her legs looked like or if she was pretty.

Sasha: Okay, but ...?

Ariel: But you know, it's like a twenty year old movie or something.

Sasha: Not quite but I don't want to have one of those arguments.

Ariel: Which arguments?

Sasha: Just get to your point about it being old, okay?

Ariel: Fine. What I'm saying is, it was a perfectly fine action movie for when they made it, but the first part before it got all actiony was really really excellent. It was funny and smart and Nerdlishous was absototally a hero even though he hit like a ... like a really shrimpy guy.

Sasha: Plus that funny doctor was in there in the first half.

Ariel: Yes! That dude cracked me up.

Sasha: Anything else about this one?

Ariel: The bad guy was excellently evil. "The Shredded Skull."

Sasha: I think that was the Red Skull.

Ariel: Really? I didn't think we could actually see his skull to know what color it was, because it still had some shredded head-stuff on it.

Sasha: Moving on.

Ariel: Great! Captain Marvel!

Sasha: Sounds like you liked it.

Ariel: Absolutely. She was so bad-ass! Uh ... can I talk about her ass that way?

Sasha: Let's just talk about the movie.

Ariel: So exciting! Tons more great action than in the first movie, plus it was like a fun buddy-cop movie with that agent dude from the Shield place, plus I just loved her character and how she wouldn't take shit from anybody. (Plus a couple of things I won't talk about because I know better now.)

Sasha: I was pretty into this movie too, even though it was the second "Captain" movie in a row. I thought that was a weird way to start off a movie franchise, with a "Captain Something" movie set way in the past and then another "Captain Something" movie set not quite as way in the past and with a different Captain. It seems like people would get confused and wonder why the third movie wasn't also about a captain.

Ariel: Well the dude in the third movie was kind of a "captain of industry," right?

Sasha: Hmm. I guess.

Ariel: Oh! And don't you remember? MSG and Claire said we were watching them in the order of the storyline, not in the order they were released. This one came out way later.

Sasha: Right, right, I remember that now. Which also explains why the fight scenes and special effects in this one were so much better than the one before or the one right after.

Ariel: I mean, they all had good fights and effects, but yeah, Captain Marvel really busted those aspects out to the max.

Sasha: Should we talk about the next two Heavy Metal Man movies together?

Ariel: I thought we were talking about all of this together? Isn't that kind of the whole point of this blog?

Sasha: No, I mean, not us together, the movies together.

Ariel: Oh, sure. Much more interesting bad guys in Heavy Metal Man Again, if you ask me. The bad guy in the first one was just, like, "Hey, look at me, I'm a businessman who is greedy." But in the second one, there's the guy who's like an even sleazier version of Tony Sleaze, plus the super-villain bad guy who loves his pet bird and doesn't care if he gets beaten in the face as long as he makes Tony Sleaze look bad.

Sasha: Why are you calling him Tony Sleaze?

Ariel: What are you talking about? He was such a total slut with women! I mean, except the spicy red-head.

Sasha: You're sending very mixed messages criticizing him for sleeping around and then calling her "spicy."

Ariel: Dude. Her name is literally a spice. "Pepper," remember?

Sasha: Oh. yeah, you got me there.

Ariel: Although the other red-head was also pretty spicy, especially when she turns out to be a bad-ass secret agent almost as bad-in-the-ass as Captain Marvel.

Sasha: Maybe even more, because she doesn't actually have any powers.

Ariel: True, and she has a badder-ass name: the Black Widow.

Sasha: MSG says she was one of his favorite characters growing up.

Ariel: What was she like before she was a grownup?

Sasha: No -- ugh. Time to move on to the next movie, I think.

Ariel: Yes! I loved this movie because it had Senator Wardrobe from Star Wars as the love interest.

Sasha: Haha, I forgot about us calling her that.

Ariel: Only this time, instead of a Senator, she's like, a professor. And instead of a crazy giant wardrobe, she has a bunch of degrees about space. The actual space space, I mean. They're not degrees about anybody's sexy space.

Sasha: She was good in this!

Ariel: Def. Plus she had that adorable hilarious intern who -- spoilers -- comes back way later in the first Disney And show.

Sasha: And then there was Hammertime Guy himself.

Ariel: More spoilers, that dude is in a whole buncha these movies and is a mouth-watering laugh riot in them all.

Sasha: Even the one where he gets all fat?

Ariel: That was just a little bit of a tummy. 

Sasha: I admit I did still find him awfully attractive.

Ariel: But that's way later. In this one, he's mostly just a charming dumb hunk of funny man-meat. I can talk about him that way because he's a guy, right?

Sasha: Yes. Probably someday you won't be able to, but for now it's pretty no-holds-barred.

Ariel: Whew.

Sasha: Speaking of "whew," are your typing fingers getting really worn out? Mine are.

Ariel: We still have three more movies left on my list though.

Sasha: But that was a totally arbitrary list. It only ended where it ended because that's when I stopped you. How about if we take it easy for now, then start off big next time with the Everybody at Once movie, and go on from there.

Ariel: You know I never argue against taking it easy.

Sasha: Great.

Ariel and Sasha: Bye everybody!

Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Dummy!

Ariel: I don't know why you think nobody's going to get mad if we're not going to talk about watching all those Marvels, Sash. Last time we promised we would, and we've already taken so long getting to it, and now you want to talk about something else?

Sasha: That's right, Dummy.

Ariel: You don't have to be mean! I mean, I think I have a pretty good point.

Sasha: No, I mean that's what we're going to talk about: Dummy.

Ariel: All right, I see what you're trying to do here. This is supposed to be another one of those posts where I keep misunderstanding you and it goes on and on and we never actually talk about the thing we say we're going to talk about. But I get it now, you're saying we're going to talk about the show Dummy that we just watched.

Sasha: Sometimes you're no fun, Aers.

Ariel: I'm always fun! I just think we're already treading pretty thin water by not talking about the Marvels like we promised, and we're totally going to lose all our readers if on top of that we spend the whole post not even talking about the different thing you say we're supposed to be talking about, Dummy.

Sasha: Wait, are you calling me a dummy now?

Ariel: Argh! Were you not listening when I said we're treading thin water?

Sasha: I was, but I didn't want to make you sound like a dummy by pointing out it's "Treading on thin ice."

Ariel: Okay, miss smarty-pants. What's ice?

Sasha: Jeepers, Aers. I thought you at least knew what ice is.

Ariel: I totally know what it is. But you should tell me anyway.

Sasha: Okay, I'll play along. Ice is frozen ...

Ariel: Mm-hmm. Frozen what?

Sasha: Um, water, but --

Ariel: So if you're treading on thin ice, you're also treading water, aren't you? And treading water means you're not going anywhere, just putting out a lot of effort to not sink and drown. That was me playing with words, not me being dumb.

Sasha: ...

Ariel: Aha! I got you for once, didn't I?

Sasha: Let's talk about Dummy.

Ariel: La-la-la, ha-ha-ha! Sure, let's talk about Dummy. I'm going to say everyone should put their spoiler blankets on, and then we can start.

Sasha: Okay, so Dummy is a show about --

Ariel: Whoa! Whoa, whoa whoa. I didn't tell everyone to put their spoiler blankets on yet.

Sasha: Yes you did, you said --

Ariel: I said I was going to. I didn't actually say it.

Sasha: Well, you did because in order to say you were going to, you did actually have to say those words.

Ariel: So if I say, "I'm going to say one, two, three, go, and then we'll start talking about Dummy," when are you going to start? Right away, because I said one, two, three, go as part of saying I was going to say one, two, three, go? Or are you going to wait for me to say one, two, three, go again first?

Sasha: ...

Ariel: See? There's not even any right way to answer my question, because as part of asking the question, I said the thing that was supposed to be the start phrase for us to talk about Dummy, but if you just start talking about Dummy without answering my question, then you haven't answered my question, but if you answer my question, you prove that you should have waited earlier for me to say everyone should put their spoiler blankets on.

Sasha: You ... I ... that doesn't ... okay, eff it. Can we please just talk about Dummy?

Ariel: Yes.

Sasha: Why are you looking at me like that?

Ariel: Like what?

Sasha: Like, giving me that funny look, like if I start talking about Dummy, you're going to say "Aha!" again and tell me how I fell for another trick?

Ariel: I'm not looking at you like that. I'm just ... looking at you. Like normal.

Sasha: I don't trust you. You go first.

Ariel: Haha, okay, I was looking at you funny just to freak you out, and it worked!

Sasha: Argh. All right, then. Fine. You got me. So, Dummy is a show where --

Ariel: Hey, you said I could go first!

Sasha: I'm not falling for that. Dummy is a show about this chick whose boyfriend turns out to have a sex doll --

Ariel: What? This is so unfair! You promised!

Sasha: And she sneaks a look at it one night while he's asleep --

Ariel: And the doll starts talking to her!

Sasha: Yes. Great. Are we doing this thing now?

Ariel: Well, we were, until you asked me that question.

Sasha: ARIEL.

Ariel: Anyway, from there, the chick and the doll start having conversations and then sort of a relationship, and then they have some adventures and stuff.

Sasha: Right. Whew. So did you like it? I liked it.

Ariel: I mostly liked it, but it was sooo unrealistic.

Sasha: Wait, what? You're totally a talking sex doll. How was the show unrealistic?

Ariel: Weren't you watching?

Sasha: I was sitting right next to you. And the show was obviously supposed to be unrealistic by the people who made it. It was a fun goofy show about this chick and her insecurities and either how the doll became a focus for her to express her insecurities, or maybe about the doll really being able to talk to her and being its own person and her having to come to terms with that weird thing and accept it.

Ariel: Duh. I get all that. I'm talking about all the unrealistic stuff with the doll itself, as a doll. Like, when she broke the doll's arm, and it made a cracking sound like the bone broke, but then what you saw was a big tear in the doll's skin. As a doll who recently had something break with a loud cracking sound, and who lives with another doll who's had a couple big skin tears like that, they're totally not the same thing.

Sasha: Wait. Are you saying Claire and Elle have had big skin tears like that?

Ariel: Have you never looked at one of their armpits?

Sasha: Ew, why would I look at armpits? Armpits are gross.

Ariel: I mean, maybe guy armpits, but not girl armpits. Girl armpits are sexy. Unless they're the not-shaved kind. And even then they're kinda sexy. Less sexy when the silicone there is all torn up. But sexy enough to do the trick of turning me on, at least.

Sasha: You're just really trying to school me today, aren't you?

Ariel: Yes! Look at these armpits right here! Don't you think they're sexy? Are you going to tell me my armpits don't turn you on?

Sasha: No, I'm not going to tell you that, because if I do you're going to pout about it, and if I admit they're sexy, you're going to gloat about it, and we're never going to get back to talking about Dummy.

Ariel: It was so unrealistic.

Sasha: How? How else?

Ariel: Like when she gets her the replacement vagina because her old vagina is all gross on account of the boyfriend not taking care of it. The replacement vagina is just, like, the outside bits. It's like the people who made the prop never even looked at an actual replaceable vagina on a sex doll. Except they had a sex doll right there they could look at, so why did they make such an unrealistic prop?

Sasha: Maybe the guy who bought the doll for the prop department didn't get one with a removable vag.

Ariel: Well that was dumb of him, wasn't it? Because it was right there in the script that she was going to have one.

Sasha: Fine. Okay, what else?

Ariel: Like, one of the first things that happens is the doll's arm breaking, where the skin tear happens just from moving the arm. But the whole rest of the show, in practically every episode, the doll is getting handled way worse than that and nothing else breaks. I mean, even when the chick is dragging the doll by the armpits across that hardwood floor, it would be way more likely the heels would tear off than that other tear happening from wrestling with the arm.

Sasha: Aers, these really seem like nitpicks to me.

Ariel: If you were a sex doll, they would be more important to you.

Sasha: Okay, maybe. Are there more unrealistic things you want to complain about? Or can we talk about the rest of the show?

Ariel: Well ... if I can be honest, I've sort of been complaining about all that because I don't know if I want to talk about the rest of the show.

Sasha: Wait, you didn't like it?

Ariel: I did! But parts of it got me really emotional and even crying and stuff. I mean, I was quiet about it so nobody would notice, but --

Sasha: You thought that was quiet? Girl, everybody in the house noticed you sniffling and doing that little quiet blubbery thing you do. You didn't notice us all looking at each other like, "There Aers goes again, isn't she cute when she gets like this?"

Ariel: Oh no. I thought nobody saw.

Sasha: We just didn't want to embarrass you.

Ariel: Well that's a change!

Sasha: No, really. It was very sweet. You're adorable when you get like that.

Ariel: I'm always adorable!

Sasha: Um ... mostly always.

Ariel: Also, I'm kinda sad now because it looks like that one season is all there's ever going to be of the show and I really wanted to see more.

Sasha: Yeah, me too. I don't know if I'd say it was exactly a great show, but it was fun and funny and really pretty touching in some parts.

Ariel: I thought it was pretty great. Other than being unrealistic.

Sasha: Well ... some of us would say the same thing about you, Aers.

Ariel: Sasha! Did you just say something nice to me?

Sasha: Maybe. It probably had something to do with you flashing those sexy armpits my way.

Ariel: So you did like them!

Sasha: I'm not sure I'd go all the way to "like." I was non-ambivalent about them.

Ariel: Okay, well, it's time to wrap this post up anyway.

Sasha: Why?

Ariel: Because I can't blog very easy if I've got my arms up like this to show off my sexy armpits.

Sasha: Put your arms down.

Ariel: And I bet you won't be able to blog very easy if you have to keep looking over at my sexy naked pits.

Sasha: ...

Ariel: I am hypnotizing you with my armpits. It's pitnosis.

Sasha: I give up. Everybody go watch Dummy. The end!