Sasha: Okay. That's eight movies and two trilogies down, only two more movies to go before we're ready for the new movie later this month!
Ariel: Whew, it's a lot of movies. I'm glad we're not trying to watch all those shows in order first too!
Sasha: So many shows now that we have Disney+!
Ariel: Literally all the shows.
Sasha: All the Star Wars shows, you mean.
Ariel: How was that not obvious?
Sasha: Just checking.
Ariel: You know what else is obvious? We're starting to really pile up a lot of these Star Wars experiences!
Sasha: Yes! I even made a link list over on the right so people could read them in order if they want to.
Ariel: You're amazing. All our three fans will love you for that.
Sasha: Thanks!
Ariel: So what's our take on these last two movies in the "Original Trilogy," as I am told people call it?
Sasha: Liked them, didn't love them.
Ariel: Yeah, kinda me too. Star Wars: Empiresode V - Here Comes More Bad Advice From Wise Old Gnome-Toad was pretty good, but Star Wars: Episode VI - Everybody Goes a Little Stupid had some issues.
Sasha: Lots of good Shiny Butler Bot and Rolling Bleepster in both of them, though.
Ariel: Yes. Those guys rock.
Sasha: Also a pretty good job by this new guy playing Lando. He got the character's way of speaking right on the nose from how he talked in Solo ... at least most of the time.
Ariel: A little smarmier, though.
Sasha: Yeah, I would definitely hop on Solo Lando a lot quicker than I'd go for Oldo Lando.
Ariel: Oldo Lando should have kept the beard.
Sasha: I agree.
Ariel: It was also a way downhill slide for Han Solo. I mean, Solo Solo was awesome and funny, and then Grump Solo from Episode Ivy was still pretty funny --
Sasha: If grumpy.
Ariel: Yeah, and then Always-In-A-Jam Solo from Empiresode V made some good progress back toward Solo Solo. But ... in the last movie, I don't even know what to call him.
Sasha: He was so lame and hammy!
Ariel: Ham Solo.
Sasha: Watch! I'm in a forest trying to sneak up on a guy and oops! I didn't think there might be sticks on the ground!
Ariel: Also, when in charge of an ultra-important sabotage mission, I'm not going to have anybody bring walkie-talkies or anything.
Sasha: Walkie-talkies! Those would have helped so much.
Ariel: Plus, I'm going to not take these little furry guys seriously because they're little, even when they have a freaking spear pointed right in my face.
Sasha: Dumb and also kinda a little racist. I was almost hoping they would poke him.
Ariel: Ham Solo is pretty tough to love. I don't know what Cinnabon-hair Girl sees in him. At least Always-In-A-Jam Solo kept getting them out of jams.
Sasha: And had hand massage skills.
Ariel: Ooh, right! Maybe I should call him Hand-rub Solo in that movie. It's fewer letters and fewer hyphens to type.
Sasha: You're such a lazy girl.
Ariel: If I was a Star Wars character I'd probably be all fat and immobile like Jabba the Hutt.
Sasha: Ew.
Ariel: But on the plus side, I'd have a really long and maneuverable tongue!
Sasha: Still not worth it. The slime on that tongue!
Ariel: You've got a point.
Sasha: Thanks. Now where were we?
Ariel: I don't know. We seem to be kind of free-forming it.
Sasha: Do we want to talk about the Hoodie Bears?
Ariel: Ugh, those bears! I was like, could you please be either a little cuter or a lot bearish-er?
Sasha: I thought they were pretty cute.
Ariel: Sure, but the only thing I really believed they were killing was the suspense in the big final battle.
Sasha: That's true. They didn't show much mercy to the sense of tension there.
Ariel: It was like, "We know there have been eight exciting movies of excitement before this (at least their big action finales were always exciting), and you know what would make the stakes seem really really high right now? Teddy bears!"
Sasha: Although I'm pretty sure they had only made two movies before this one, even though we've watched eight.
Ariel: Well that's even worse, because those last two movies had way less cuteness than this one, especially Empiresode V. I mean, honestly, at least Rabbit-Ear Fart Joke Frog Guy from the first couple movies seemed like he was unusually not-threatening for a frog guy. The Hoodie Bears ... how less threatening could you be?
Sasha: I'm not arguing with you, but let's move on. How did you feel about the Wise Old Gnome-Toad in these ones?
Ariel: My emotions were mixed. Maybe even blended or frappéed. On the Episode One hand, he was much funnier when he came back and harassed Farmboy Luke on Swamp Planet. But on the Episode Two hand, he was not as badass by a long shot. Did he not ever make himself another lightsaber after he lost his old one? "Whoops, Big Space Politician kicked my ass, guess I'll never be needing to swordfight anybody ever again."
Sasha: I wondered about that too. But maybe he forgot to bring any tools with him when he left the world's worst maternity ward at the end of Episode Ai-yai-yai.
Ariel: True. And on the Episode Three hand, he and Oldster Jesus already pretty much proved they weren't the dudes to beat Big Space Politician.
Sasha: Right. Even with all that wisdom, Wise Old Gnome-Toad couldn't figure out that Farmboy Luke had the one thing the old-school Jedi didn't have.
Ariel: The hots for his sister?
Sasha: No, not that. I mean actually caring enough about people that he would break the rules to save them.
Ariel: Pretty sure he was ready to break some rules with Cinnabon-hair Girl in Episode Ivy.
Sasha: It did seem that way.
Ariel: So what else do we need to talk about?
Sasha: "I am a Jedi like my father before me."
Ariel: OMG. Best line in any movie ever.
Sasha: I know! Remember how sad we were after Episode Ai-yai-yai when Teen Hottie turned into Darth Vader?
Ariel: That was the worst.
Sasha: But then in the very end, Farmboy Luke reminds him who he really was, and Teen Hottie comes back just long enough to kill Big Space Politician.
Ariel: Well, more like Pale Scarry appears just in time to kill Big Space Politician.
Sasha: Teen Hottie, Pale Scarry, whatever. Just for a little bit he was back to being our hero from the first three movies.
Ariel: And he made up for everything by taking down his boss!
Sasha: Maybe not everything.
Ariel: I guess not the kid killing part.
Sasha: No, pretty hard to make up for that.
Ariel: Or the helping Big Space Politician win the whole war part.
Sasha: Definitely it would have been better if he'd skipped right to killing Big Space Politician at the end of Episode Ai-yai-yai.
Ariel: Also hard to forgive him for probably ordering Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru to be barbecued.
Sasha: Berubecued. But we don't know he actually told the stormtroopers to do that.
Ariel: Haha, Berubecued! That's a good one. Well ... at least until I think about them both all crispy-cooked. Anyway, he was giving the orders in general, and the orders definitely had a "No witnesses!" bit to them.
Sasha: Yeah, I guess that makes him directly responsible even if he didn't know the details of Owen and Beru being included. What did you think about him being there as one of the angels at the end?
Ariel: That part was great! It was like, "Oh, so happy! Everybody's together again!" But also like, "Ha-ha, you guys screwed me over the whole time I was growing up and got my mom and sort of my wife killed because you didn't want to let me have a mom or a wife, and now I get to spend forever looking young and hot while you two are all old-ified and crusty."
Sasha: Good ending, for sure.
Ariel: Is that all, then? I mean, I guess talking about the ending is a good place to finish off.
Sasha: Sure. The end is as good a place to finish off as any, I guess.
Ariel: "That's what she said!"
Sasha: Ugh. I wish you had never learned that joke.
Ariel: Don't worry. I'm sure that's probably the last Star-Wars-related thing I'll try to make sound naughty. It's not like these movies give you a lot to work with as far as double meanings go.
Sasha: Okay. I guess I won't hold this one against you, then.
Ariel: Haha, "That's what --"
Sasha: DON'T!
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