Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Attack of the Clones!

Ariel: Our house is full of nerds.
Sasha: Maybe say something so people know you mean that in a good way.
Ariel: Yes, super-totally. It’s awesome.
Sasha: We love us some nerds.
Ariel: The biggest nerd is msg ...
Sasha: (the BF)
Ariel: That’s what I said. He’s mister Star Wars, and there’s sort of a little bit of a problem because our GF Claire
Sasha: (Role model!)
Ariel: is totally miss Star Trek.
Sasha: Not that we see why that’s a problem, but apparently there’s some mostly good-natured grumbling about one or the other of these shows being better.
Ariel: Are there Star Wars shows?
Sasha: Some cartoons, I hear.
Ariel: Okay. I thought Star Wars was just movies and Star Trek was a show.
Sasha: Star Trek has movies too! And it’s apparently lots of shows, not just one. I should of said ‘franchises,’ I guess.
Ariel: This gets more and more confusing. I thought franchises were fast food.
Sasha: It’s English, baby. Get used to lots of words meaning different things.
Ariel: Like ‘baby’ meaning you love me and not that you’re calling me a stupid baby for being confused.
Sasha: Right. Wait ... okay ... yeah? Hmm. So, Elle says, “Actually, that version of ‘baby’ is an idiomatic term of address used either endearingly or patronizingly to indicate that the speaker is informing the listener of something, often a thing considered by the speaker to be common knowledge.”
Ariel: Oh, Elle. What a nerd! Only she thinks she’s not just because she makes fun of msg and Claire for liking Star Wars and Star trek so much.
Sasha: And now, we are experiencing ‘irony.’
Ariel: That’s a thing! And msg loves it almost as much as he loves Star Wars, he says.
Sasha: Which brings us back to Star Wars.
Ariel: Oh yeah! Our whole reason for blogging this morning. Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones!
Sasha: Is that the right number of colons in the title?
Ariel: Yes, there's millions of them.
Sasha: Not clones. I said colons.
Ariel: Oh. No, I think there’s only one, but I didn’t know where to put it.
Sasha: Google is a thing too.
Ariel: So is walking in the other room and looking at the Blu-Ray box! I’m just lazy.
Sasha: Whatever. I’ll go.
Ariel: La-la-la ... boy she’s taking a long time. I guess I’ll look it up.
Sasha: The box was no help. It’s just got a logo on it with no punctuation marks at all.
Ariel: I looked it up! “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones” ... ta-daaa!
Sasha: Sigh.
Ariel: Okay, so Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones. It’s a mouthful. I’m just going to take the ‘Wars’ and the ‘Clones’ part and call it “Clone Wars.”
Sasha: No, that’s one of the shows.
Ariel: ...
Ariel: I’m just going to call it, ‘this movie’ then.
Sasha: Works for me.
Ariel: ANYhow ... this is the second Star Wars movie we watched. You’d think that would be obvious, but msg tells us lots of people don’t watch them in order by the numbers.
Sasha: And Elle says if you get really deep into Nerdville, people argue over what order to watch them in.
Ariel: We’re watching them in order because ... well, just because. There’s some with numbers, and some without numbers, and some of the ones with numbers weren’t made in the order of the numbers ... it hurts my head.
Sasha: TBH, mine too.
Ariel: So first we watched Star Wars: Episode I – Attack of Nothing, Just an Hour and a Half of Space Politics Plus a Cute Kid and Hilarious Fart Joke Rabbit-Frog Dude Followed by One Holy Moly Kick-Ass Fight Scene and the Main Character Dies.
Sasha: Claire says you’re supposed to say “Spoiler Warning” if you give things away like that.
Ariel: Really? When it’s a 20-year-old movie? And won’t people think the fart jokes are funny even if they know they’re coming?
Sasha: No, the main character dying part. And the BF says, “Trust me, there are things coming up in these movies that are going to really surprise you, and you don’t want them given away even if they’re 20 or 40 years old.”
Ariel: Okay, so, Spoiler Warning, the main character dies in that movie. But not in this one! Oops, I meant, “Spoiler Warning, but not in this one!”
Sasha: We should just say there’s a blanket Spoiler Warning for the whole post, or that’s going to get really old.
Ariel: Super smart! I love you, Sash. Readers, I am now saying “Blanket Spoiler Warning” for the whole rest of this post. Anyway, even though the main character died – and that made me so sad! – and even though the cute kid wasn’t always the best at acting, and even though parts of it were pret-ty boring, we did really like the first movie.
Sasha: Mostly. But we also were thinking, “This is the big deal? Maybe Claire is right and Star Trek is better.”
Ariel: And then we watched the second movie!
Sasha: What a difference!
Ariel: Can you believe there are people who think this is the worst Star Wars movie?
Sasha: I cannot.
Ariel: Even with just two to go on, and the fact everybody and their dog has loved Star Wars since before we were born, I have to assume this one is like, top three or something.
Sasha: It’s true. It was so much better.
Ariel: Like, the other one starts with a dumb looking ship, and the ship in the start of this one is super-duper cool looking! And it makes the best noise! And they both blow up, but this one blows up better.
Sasha: Also, the people we’re supposed to like actually act sad that their friends got blown up, and the guys in the first one were just like, “Oh well, better hold our breaths because now there’s gas.”
Ariel: And after the explosion in this one, there’s a little bit of space politics but not much before we get right to the little kid and the cute apprentice dude from the first movie, only now the kid is a teen hotty and the apprentice dude has a sexy Jesus beard!
Sasha: I did not even recognize that kid. You’re right about the beard, though.
Ariel: Anyhow, the cute queen is now a senator who changes clothes a lot for some reason and they’re guarding her while she’s sleeping and there are killer caterpillars, but Teen Hotty saves her by slicing them up and Sexy Jesus jumps Right. Out. The. Flipping. Window.
Sasha: I know, right? Last movie except for the way cool fighting, these supposed-to-be super-powered Jedi guys were like, “Look! I can hold my breath!” or “Look! I can cheat at dice” and this movie they’re like, “Watch me jump out a window two miles up, hang from a speeding space-drone while it’s trying to shake me off, then do a chill free-fall waiting for my buddy to come catch me in a flying car so I can complain about how long it took him.”
Ariel: My jaw was on the floor. Wow!
Sasha: Then the kid hops out of the car on purpose to fall maybe a hundred stories to where the bad guy’s car is flying beneath them. What?!
Ariel: It was just thing after thing after thing. Plus super music in the background the whole time!
Sasha: And then it turns into a detective mystery movie because they catch the bad guy but the bad guy was hired by a different bad guy who kills the bad guy before they can get any info and then flies off.
Ariel: Who’s this other bad guy? Why did he hire the first bad guy when he’s obviously better at bad guying? Seems like he set her up to me. Who does something like that? Curious people want to know.
Sasha: Meaning Sexy Jesus and his bosses, Bald Toughie and the Wise Old Gnome-Toad.
Ariel: Right. Teen Hotty has it bad for the senator, so they send him and her packing to her home planet while Sexy Jesus detects the heck out of things. And just when I was noticing, “Hey, no fart jokes so far in this movie,” here comes Butt-Scratching Diner-Lizard and his four butt-scratching arms.
Sasha: I liked him!
Ariel: Me too, but maybe wear a belt if you’re the cook in a diner.
Sasha: Point.
Ariel: Whew!
Sasha: I know. Maybe we need to take a breather. We’re only like a third of the way through the movie.
Ariel: Or ... even though we put on the Spoiler Blanket, do you think we should ease off on describing absolutely everything?
Sasha: But what would we skip?
Ariel: Maybe that weird bit where the Teen Hotty creeps Senator Wardobe out with that sort-of stalker vibe.
Sasha: Yeah, could have done without that.
Ariel: I mean, they end up having this yes/no/yes/no ... /big-time yes! romance, so I don’t know why you’d start it off with him heebie-jeebifying her.
Sasha: It does make it seem like this maybe isn’t the healthiest relationship.
Ariel: Yeah, and who wants that? I’m a happy-ending kind of girl.
Sasha: Me too. Okay, what else do we skip?
Ariel: Not the part where Sexy Jesus goes to the Q-tip alien rain planet, that’s for sure.
Sasha: Where he finds clones!
Ariel: I know! I was like, “Okay, clones at last. Heeere comes some attacking!”
Sasha: That was jumping the gun, though.
Ariel: Yeah, but I was so excited! Clones! A thing from the title showing up in the movie! They didn’t do that last time.
Sasha: I think the first title was supposed to be more symbolic.
Ariel: Me too, but I was going to be pretty disappointed if ‘clones’ or ‘attack’ turned out to just be symbolic.
Sasha: I probably would have too.
Ariel: We also can’t skip the fight between Sexy Jesus and Better Bad Guy! Lots more exciting music, and explosions, and Better Bad Guy’s clone kid trying to machine-gun Sexy Jesus ...
Sasha: Better Bad Guy sure had a lot of tricks up his sleeve. That was pretty great.
Ariel: How about the mom getting crucified to death and Teen Hotty chopping the Mean Ol’ Locals to pieces? That was pretty sad slash scary, so I don’t think I want to dwell on it too much.
Sasha: Agreed. Plus, that lets us jump straight to ...
Sasha and Ariel: THE EXPLODING ASTEROID SPACE FIGHT!
Ariel: I think one of the best parts in the movie is when the first bomb gives off that blue dinnerplate explosion, and I was like, “Hey, did the sound go out?” And then WHONNNNG! the sound catches up to it!
Sasha: Elle made a face right then.
Ariel: And later she started talking about physics, but I ignored her. It was too cool!!!
Sasha: Maybe one of the best sound effects ever.
Ariel: Certainly the best we’ve ever heard!
Sasha: Not that we’ve heard too many.
Ariel: No, but this was like the Joe Satriani of sound effects.
Sasha: It rocked, for sure.
Ariel: Straight up.
Sasha: Our attempt to skip things doesn’t seem to be working too well.
Ariel: Let’s skip the factory part.
Sasha: Mm ... okay.
Ariel: Only before that, Sexy Jesus gets caught by Better Bad Guy’s Boss.
Sasha: For an old dude, that guy sure had one smoooooth voice.
Ariel: msg told me later the actor who plays him put out a heavy metal album for his 90th birthday.
Sasha: You’re making that up.
Ariel: No, it’s true!
Sasha: Wow. Anyway, with a voice like that, I don’t know if I could resist going along with him, even though he was pretty obviously evil with a capital VIL, as in VILlain.
Ariel: Sexy Jesus didn’t fall for it, though.
Sasha: He knew better.
Ariel: And then there’s, what, forty minutes worth of fighting monsters in that giant creepy bug arena, then getting rescued by Bald Toughie and their Jedi pals, then the Jedi getting their patooties handed to them by Too Many Droids, then getting rescued by ...
Sasha: The attack of the clones!
Ariel: Just like in the title! At last! Only it wasn’t over then, the clones kept on attacking, and there’s a massive catastrophe-blastrophy battle, and a lightsaber fight, and another lightsaber fight between Wise Old Gnome-Toad and Better Bad Guy’s Boss ... SO MUCH COOL STUFF HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE!
Sasha: So we’re done?
Ariel: No, then Teen Hotty and Senator Wardobe got married and lived happily ever after.
Sasha: I don’t know if it was ever after, though ... the music they got married to didn’t sound ultra-cheerful ...
Ariel: We’ll see. There are lots more movies to go.
Sasha: I don’t know if we can review them all, though. This was pretty exhausting.
Ariel: Yeah, my typing fingers are beat.
Sasha: Something else we’ve never experienced!
Ariel: It ranks pretty low if you ask me, though.
Sasha: Life can’t all be Star Wars movies.
Ariel: So unfortunate! Okay, then ...
Sasha: and Ariel: Bye, folks!