Ariel and Sasha Experience ... The Naked Now!

Ariel: Okay, everybody, I'm going to spoil something without putting up the spoiler blanket warning, so don't put your spoiler blanket on yet because you're really going to want to hear this spoiler.
Sasha: You do realize you could have just said the spoiler without going through all that, and then they wouldn't have had a chance to put on their spoiler blankets? Which, now that you warned them, maybe some of them put their blankets on anyway because they hate spoilers so much. Right?
Ariel: Of course I realize that! But if I didn't warn them about it not being time for me to warn them yet, they might have thought I just forgot about warning them, and they would have been mad at me for spoiling something without warning them first.
Sasha: Oh. Hmm. Well, I guess that kind of makes sense. So what is it you're going to spoil for everybody on purpose?

Ariel: No one. Gets. Naked.

Sasha: Maybe before we get into that, we should tell everybody this is a Star Trek episode we're talking about?

Ariel: Sure, yeah, it's an episode of Star Trek: The Nakedless Generation. And it's called "The Naked Now" even though NO ONE GETS NAKED. I didn't get naked, you didn't get naked. No one on the show got naked ... omg, they even made a big deal out of the fact that someone was in a shower and had all their clothes on!

Sasha: Is the part about the shower something you feel like people really need to know before we tell them to put their spoiler blankets on?

Ariel: They shouldn't put them on at all! They should take them off, and take all their clothes off too, so at least SOMEONE will be NAKED!

Sasha: Well, I guess that means we're leaving it to their discretion whether they want to put their spoiler blankets on. But we could always take our clothes off and be naked while we blog this, you and me.

Ariel: I get distracted when you're naked.

Sasha: Let's start talking about the episode, then.

Ariel: Yes, right! So ... this is the first episode after Encounter at Fart Oink, the extremely farty first episode of The Nakedless Generation.

Sasha: Which makes me want to point out, even though the title of this episode is kinda false advertising --

Ariel: KINDA?!?

Sasha: Whatever. Even though the title was totally false advertising, this episode was loads better than Encounter at Fart Oink.

Ariel: True. It was so much better.

Sasha: Fartloads better.

Ariel: For sure.

Sasha: What did you think made it so much better?

Ariel: Maybe the whole, not-being-the-most-boring-do-nothing-episode-of-a-show-ever part?

Sasha: I'll agree with that. It was just as stupid as Encounter at Fart Oink, but not nearly as boring.

Ariel: I actually think it was even stupider and that's part of why it was less boring.

Sasha: So it was good that it was stupid? Explain.

Ariel: Um, well ... let's talk about that shower thing. So, the Interpretize finds this ship, and they call them up and it sounds like the whole crew is drunk. And then there's a loud sound and the scanners say, "Welp, no more life signs on that ship." So they beam over to investigate. And the whole ship is trashed like there's been a frat party to end all frat parties. And Commander Squareshoulders is looking around and finds this part of the ship where it's super-cold and everybody is all iced up and frozed over.

Sasha: Oh no.

Ariel: What, you don't remember that part?

Sasha: I remember ... it's just that, well, Aers, some of those frozen deadies, um, weren't wearing any clothes. So they were, you know, naked.

Ariel: I'm not counting that! They were all covered in ice and frost and stuff! And plus, the episode wasn't called, "The Naked A Few Dead Folks Covered In Frost So You Can't See Anything" -- it was called, "The Naked Now." It's still totally false advertising.

Sasha: Okay, okay ... calm down. Are we getting to the shower part yet?

Ariel: Yes. So Squareshoulders is poking around in this icebox part of the ship and sees this kind of curved closet door or something, trying to automatically close but getting stuck on something and popping back open a little every time. So he goes to check it out, and inside the closet is a totally frozen up chick wearing all her clothes.

Sasha: You're calling it a closet, but I thought this was about a shower?

Ariel: We only find out it's a shower later. There's like, literally nothing in the scene that lets you know it's a shower. Squareshoulders doesn't even say, "Whoa, this person was in the shower in all their clothes!" It just looks like a weird-shaped closet that's apparently only used for storing frozen dead bodies, because there's nothing else in it.

Sasha: Got it.

Ariel: So then when they get back to the Interpretize, Squareshoulders goes to Commander Facepaint and says, "Hey, Facepaint, I need you to look something up in the ship's data banks." And Facepaint is like, "Sure, what?" And, get this, Squareshoulders says, "I need you to find a reference to somebody being in the shower with all their clothes on."

Sasha: I thought you were going to complain about Squareshoulders not just asking the computer to look it up for him, or even just doing a Google search.

Ariel: No, the stupidest part isn't that there's no reason for him to waste Commander Facepaint's time ... it's that Squareshoulders went over to this ship full of dead people, saw it looked like there was a wild party, found a whole bunch of frozen people lying around, and the thing that sticks out to him is, someone was in the shower with their clothes on. He doesn't even ask Facepaint to cross-reference anything! He's not like, "Hey, Facepaint, see if you can get the computer to chase down anything from all of history where there were lots of dead people, a wild party, frozen bodies, dangerous intoxication, and ... what else ... oh, one of the dead bodies was in the shower with all its clothes on." He just says, "Hey, I want to know about other incidents where people took showers with their clothes on."

Sasha: It does seem like Commander Facepaint would come up with a big list of movies and sitcoms and stuff before he got to anything useful.

Ariel: Haha, no, that's the even funnier part! Facepaint acts like it's going to be hard to find examples of people taking showers with their clothes on. He says it's going to take him hours.

Sasha: That did seem pretty dumb. And Squareshoulders obviously didn't think that was an unreasonable amount of time, either. Like, I could go, "Siri, find people taking showers with their clothes on," and in the time it takes her to beep once, Siri will say, "I have located twelve bridal shower clothing stores nearby. Is that what you're looking for?"

Ariel: I know, right? But instead of saying, "What? Why's it going to take so long, Facepaint?" Squareshoulders is like, "I understand. It's going to be like looking for a needle in a haystack." And then Facepaint is confused because even though he's an android with giganto databases of his own in his head, he doesn't understand shit about anything.

Sasha: I think it was supposed to be funny when he said, "Why would anyone look for a needle in a haystack?"

Ariel: Yeah, that was the joke I think they were going for, but then Squareshoulders is like, "Sorry, I should have said like a proverbial needle in a haystack," and Facepaint is suddenly all, "Oh, of course! Human proverbs, so peculiar." HE ALREADY KNEW WHAT A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK MEANT. He just didn't bother to look it up in his data banks when Squareshoulders said it!

Sasha: That probably explains why it was going to take him so long to do a search on "shower with clothes on." The guy's totally clueless about how useful looking shit up is. Apparently he never does it himself without prodding.

Ariel: Bullseye! There were so many stupid and funny things about that scene, and none of them was the joke the writers were trying so hard to make. And the whole episode was that way!

Sasha: True. Like when the doctor lady says, "Captain, Lieutenant Visor-Eyes is acting all weird, so I'm confining him to sickbay," and then as soon as her back is turned, he just gets up and walks right out.

Ariel: I don't think she understands what "confining" means.

Sasha: No, the automatic door opened right up for him, like she couldn't have programmed it to stay shut. Not super bright in the let's-contain-this-weird-phenomenon department, was she?

Ariel: No one was! I mean, the word "quarantine" literally did not appear anywhere in the episode.

Sasha: Which might maybe sort of have been okay if Commander Facepaint didn't find the exact answer to the problem with his searching only, what, fifteen minutes into the episode?

Ariel: At that point, I was thinking, "Oh! Now they know what this thing is, how it spreads, and even what the formula for the cure is. I guess this is going to be a really short episode!"

Sasha: No such luck.

Ariel: I know, right? I was like, "So this is where That Bald Guy gets on the intercom and says, 'Hey, everybody, an incredibly dangerous disease-y kind of thing is on board, so stay in your quarters if you don't have to go out!'"

Sasha: "And don't touch each other!"

Ariel: "And put on gloves in case you accidentally touch each other!"

Sasha: "And if you see someone behaving strangely, have Security confine them to quarters!"

Ariel: "And be sure to remind Security what the word 'confine' means!"

Sasha: "And especially don't have sex with somebody who is obviously out of their gourd!"

Ariel: Any of those would probably have been good announcements to make. But they didn't, which was hilarious.

Sasha: I think even the cast knew they were making maybe the dumbest episode ever.

Ariel: They kinda looked like they were having trouble keeping a straight face a lot of the time.

Sasha: So are we up for watching more episodes of this show?

Ariel: Sure thing, now that I know some of them are stupid-hilarious instead of stupid-boooorrrrring like Encounter at Fart Oink.

Sasha: Me too. Well, are we ready to close this one down?

Ariel: Haha!

Sasha: What?

Ariel: Oh, you weren't joking? I thought you said, "ready to clothes this one down."

Sasha: Dang, that would have been a good one. Does that mean you're over being upset that no one got naked?

Ariel: Ummm ... maybe. But you know how we could make sure?

Sasha: Are you going to say, "By getting naked, now?"

Ariel: Well, you know ... it sure beats the pants off the alternative!

Sasha: Boo!

Ariel and Sasha: See you later, everybody!