Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Ariel: Okay, I am so confused.
Sasha: Really? I thought this was a pretty straightforward movie.
Ariel: No, I'm so confused that our yams lied to us! They said everybody thinks the Crystal Skull movie is the worst Indiana Jones movie, which, there's no way anybody thinks this Temple of Doom movie is better than that one. I just don't believe it.
Sasha: I didn't believe it either but I looked it up and yeah, tons of people say things like, "There are only three Indiana Jones movies" and they include this one in the three but not that one.
Ariel: But ... literally NOTHING in this movie made any sense! I can't even complain about one particular thing or another being unrealistic, because there wasn't anything at all that was realistic!

Sasha: Yeah, I'm with you. Except I can complain about one thing because it happened early on and I thought, "People don't buy him surviving the atom bomb explosion by hiding in a refrigerator, but they do buy this?"

Ariel: What was it?

Sasha: He gets on a plane to escape the bad guy who poisoned him in the nightclub, right?

Ariel: Right.

Sasha: And it turns out the plane belongs to the bad guy, right?

Ariel: Right.

Sasha: And the pilot and co-pilot work for the bad guy, so they're going to totally kill Indiana Jones, right?

Ariel: Uh-huh.

Sasha: So to do it, they fly all the way across China and then jump out of the plane with parachutes over the mountains between China and India! Like, hours and hours and hours of flying, and they're going to crash their boss's plane, which has got to be expensive, and they're going to parachute down into a mountainous wilderness in a blizzard instead of just, like, shooting him in his sleep?

Ariel: I thought you were going to complain that falling out of the plane in a rubber life raft was just as unrealistic as being thrown through the air in a refrigerator, but you're right. It's way crazier to think a couple of pilots would waste all that time flying just to ditch the plane and risk their lives parachuting into mountains.

Sasha: Plus, the fact that it was a super-unrealistic movie from start to finish wasn't nearly the worst part of it.

Ariel: Not by a long shot. I mean, what was up with that nightclub singer lady being the love interest?

Sasha: What was up with her being a character at all? I like, totally did not respect one single thing about her.

Ariel: She was such a waste of person-ness! Do you think there are people who enjoy watching a just-sort-of-hot chick do nothing but whine and complain and act crazy-greedy about diamonds for two hours?

Sasha: What does Indy even see in her, except that she's sort of hot? And if that's all he sees in her, why are we supposed to have any respect for him?

Ariel: I mean, in the Crystal Skull movie, Indy tells the Marion chick that the problem with all the other women in his life was, they weren't her. And now that I've seen these other two movies, I'm like, "This dude does not know how to pick women." Because he really should have answered Marion by saying, "Yeah, I've had a lot of women since we were together. The only problem with them was, they were all brain-dead vacuum-head bimbos who spent the whole time I knew them screaming at me. Oh, also, some were Nazis."

Sasha: So here's my scorecard. Realisticness: Crystal Skull over Temple of Doom by a hair. Maybe several hairs. Love interest: Crystal Skull over Temple of Doom by a mile. I mean, you could see in every scene that Marion was bonkers for Indy, even when they were arguing.

Ariel: I'm with you on both of those things.

Sasha: Oh, and bad guys. We've got to talk bad guys.

Ariel: Crystal Skull times infinity.

Sasha: I know, right? There was the accent-having Camel Gal, there was that back-stabbing Mac guy.

Ariel: Macstabber.

Sasha: There were those super-rude CIA dudes or FBI guys or whatever they were.

Ariel: G-men, one way or another.

Sasha: And I'd even call that Russian officer guy Indy kept fist-fighting more interesting than the Temple of Doom bad guys.

Ariel: Were there even real bad guys in Temple of Doom? I mean, there was a mostly polite dude in a suit, and then there was a crazy insano priest guy, but what were they even in it for?

Sasha: Plain old evilness, apparently. At first I thought, "Oh, this is interesting. Polite-guy-in-a-suit seems to have a real beef with the British colonizers. Maybe this movie is going to have some interesting history lessons in it that motivate the bad guys."

Ariel: Nope, turns out they were all, "Hi! Don't mind us, we're just here for the EVIL."

Sasha: Honestly, the only thing I liked about this movie was the spunky kid who was played by that dude from Everything Everywhere All at Once.

Ariel: OMG. That kid was that guy? Wow.

Sasha: Yeah, the only problem was, every time I saw him, I was thinking, "Geez, I sure wish I was watching Everything Everywhere All at Once again instead of this movie."

Ariel: I'm glad I didn't recognize him or I would have been thinking the same thing.

Sasha: Whew. Well, I guess all that's left is the very first Indiana Jones movie. I don't have very high hopes for it though, because everybody seems to think it's the best one, and so far this series has not been good about proving everybody right.

Ariel: That's for sure.

Sasha and Ariel: Wish us luck, everybody!

Ariel: No, wait! Don't jinx us that way, everybody! Because so far you haven't been right about anything!