Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Raiders of the Lost Ark!!!!

Sasha: WHAT.
Ariel: That was ...
Sasha: How did they ...
Ariel: I don't think I'm awake. I think I dreamed that.

Sasha: I didn't dream that -- I don't have a big enough brain to dream that.

Ariel: Oh. No, me neither.

Sasha: People. We just watched the very best movie ever.

Ariel: That's not even a spoiler because nobody who hasn't seen the movie will believe us. It's like, impossible to spoil how good a movie it was.

Sasha: I was not prepared.

Ariel: How could you be prepared? Even watching the other three movies first couldn't prepare you.

Sasha: Watching the other three movies anti-prepared me, in fact. I think.

Ariel: Yeah, like, oh hey, here's this Location of the Crystal Skull movie and it's a crazy good time with lots of cool stuff and also some goofy stuff and that's a really good mixture.

Sasha: And then there was Indiana Jones and the Coffee Cup of Jesus, some okay stuff in it, a kinda who-cares Nazi chick as the love interest, plus let's throw in twenty minutes of kid Indy at the start for not much reason, and also let his dad steal the show from him a lot of the time.

Ariel: Followed by that Thimble of Doom movie ... which, at the time I was like, okay, there's kind of a lot of doom in this movie and there's a temple, so that's an okay title. But now that I've seen this movie, it's definitely only a thimbleful of doom in that one.

Sasha: And people have such weird-ass opinions about those three movies, it was kind of hard to see how all the opinions of Raiders of the Lost Ark being the best one would be right.

Ariel: Well, but they were only partway right, because everybody just always says it's the best Indiana Jones movie and hardly anybody tells you it's THE BEST MOVIE IN ALL OF HISTORY.

Sasha: Like the other three movies all had their ups and downs. Crystal Skull, mostly ups.

Ariel: Thimble of Doom, mostly downs.

Sasha: Def. But one thing they all had in common was, there were times when you're watching them and you're kinda like, "Okay, I'm waiting for the next thing to happen." And this movie isn't like that.

Ariel: Not at all!

Sasha: Everything that happened, I was watching it happen, and it was all that needed to be happening. There wasn't anything to wait for.

Ariel: And last time, we were making fun of Indy for saying the problem with all the other women was, they weren't Marion, when really it seemed like the problem was, they were Nazis or bimbos. Because Crystal Skull Marion was definitely a catch compared to the Thimble Bimbo and Professor Backstabra von NaziLady, but she didn't exactly seem like for sure better than ALL other women.

Sasha: Wow, though, Lost Ark Marion made you understand why he said that.

Ariel: "Look, I'm going to outdrink everybody!"

Sasha: "I will sucker-punch Indy for being a dick when we were younger!"

Ariel: "I will bullshit anyone who tries to take advantage of me! And blow cigarette smoke in Nazis' fat ugly faces!"

Sasha: "I will beat people on the head with firewood during a gunfight!"

Ariel: "I will drink from the bullet-holed beer keg so I'm ready to beat people on the head!"

Sasha: "I will shoot bad guys in the back to save Indy from certain death!"

Ariel: "Do not chase me around a corner or I will take you out with a frying pan!"

Sasha: "You better have lots of Nazis around if you kidnap me or I will drink you under the table and gouge you with a steak knife!"

Ariel: "I will climb into a moving airplane to machine-gun truckloads of Nazis if you give me half a chance!"

Sasha: She was freakin' awesome.

Ariel: And the bad guys!

Sasha: Right? How do you go from a movie with that hat-wearing, suave-a-liciously skeevy French dude and Mr. Evil-Spectacles-and-Chargrilled-Heil-Hitler-Hand Porkface McNazi, plus mega-perfect Marion Ravenwood to a movie with lousy bad guys and Most Useless Love Interest Ever like Thimble of Doom had?

Ariel: It's beyond whackadoo. OH!!!

Sasha: What, did you figure out an answer to that question?

Ariel: No, just out of nowhere I remembered, he finds her in the tent and she's alive instead of exploded in the back of that truck, and he's just about to cut her loose and then he puts the gag back in her mouth and leaves so the bad guys don't get wise to what's up!

Sasha: Ooh, she was sooo pissed!!! That was maybe the best thing ever.

Ariel: The whole movie was full of so many best things ever!

Sasha: Normally I might argue that that doesn't really make sense, but in this case I think you're right.

Ariel: Whew. Okay, well, we should probably stop there, then.

Sasha: That works for me. Wow. What a good movie.

Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight, everybody!