Ariel: Lots and lots of Netflix this weekend, whoosh!
Sasha: Possibly too much.
Ariel: Well ... at least one episode too much. Blech.
Sasha: Is that about the way the Dracula series ended up?
Ariel: Well, let's tell people to put their spoiler blankets over their heads before I answer that.
Sasha: Sure. Spoiler blankets, everybody.
Ariel: Yeah, we're gonna spoil the heck out of this one.
Sasha: We good to go then?
Ariel: Yes, but no. I mean, yes, I'm not worried about spoiling things for anybody now, but no, I was definitely not good with the ending of this series!
Sasha: Me either. But do we want to jump right into that or start at the start?
Ariel: Let's jump right into it and work our way back. That way we end up talking about the best part last and it doesn't leave as bad a taste in my mouth.
Sasha: I'm good with that plan. So ... episode three was called, "The Dark Compass."
Ariel: Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that. Which is probably good because I have no idea what it means.
Sasha: Well, a compass is supposed to help you find directions, right? Maybe it's supposed to mean whatever thing was pointing Dracula in the direction he was going.
Ariel: Or maybe it means the guys making the episode had no clue where they were going so they were like, "Can you see the compass?" and then, "No, it's dark. I can't see anything," and then, "Well that sucks. But man ... 'Dark Compass' is pretty cool sounding for a title, don't you think?"
Sasha: Makes as much sense as anything, I guess.
Ariel: More sense than this episode made!
Sasha: What did you like least about it?
Ariel: Where do I begin? How about stuff being all out of order? Instead of starting off where episode 2 left off, they jumped backwards in time to show us part of what happened between episode 1 and episode 2, after which they jumped forward in time to Dracula being in some house that is obviously after the end of episode 2 but not right after, even though episode 2 was pretty cliffhanger-y at the end, then they jumped back again to show us what happened between the end of episode 2 and Dracula being in the house, then more Dracula in the house until people come and catch him and then it jumps to some kid we never saw before not answering his phone because we don't know why and we also don't know why whoever is calling him is calling him. But he's getting ready to go somewhere only we don't know where or why, and then he gets a call from some girl we also don't know inviting him to go somewhere that night, but we don't know where or why about that either, and then suddenly he's there, and I'm like, wait, was he getting ready to go because he already knew he was going somewhere with her? Because Dracula got caught in the morning and then the kid was getting ready, so I assumed he was getting ready in the morning, but maybe he wasn't?
Sasha: Uh ... but how do you really feel?
Ariel: I mean, I know this was only my third Dracula story I ever saw, or my third part of the one Dracula story I ever saw. But I still can't help feeling, is it really supposed to be this confusing?
Sasha: No, I kinda felt that way too.
Ariel: And then the lighting crew like, broke all their light bulbs or something and only had purple ones left. Seriously half the episode took place with weird lavender glowy lighting. What the hell was that about?
Sasha: I totally could not say.
Ariel: Anyway, those were my least likable things about it. Did you have different ones?
Sasha: I'm going to say when Dracula figured out how to email his lawyer from inside the secret compound and then the lawyer came and said he'd sue them if they didn't let Dracula go, and the guys who captured Dracula pretty much shrugged and said okay.
Ariel: Literally W T F.
Sasha: I mean, even if Dracula's really smart, and even if the guys who captured him accidentally gave him internet access, and even if he figured out how to email his lawyers, how did he know where he was that the lawyer could come and find him?
Ariel: I know, right? And like, if I'm running a super-secret vampire-catching company, and someone comes to the door saying, "Hey, Dracula emailed me that you've got him in there," I'm pretty sure my first reaction would be like, "Haha, you're crazy, no I don't."
Sasha: It was like, this organization had been set up over a hundred years earlier to catch Dracula in case he ever came back, and they had a super-secret hideout built to hold him if they caught him, and then some guy comes along and says, "Yeah, I'm Dracula's lawyer, hand him over," and they're not smart enough to say, "Dracula who?"
Ariel: I think my mind blocked that part out, it was so dumb, or else I would have said it first when you asked me my least liked part.
Sasha: If only I could have blocked it out!
Ariel: If only. Well, if you could have, what would have been your second least liked thing?
Sasha: Everything just took so long.
Ariel: Sooooo long!
Sasha: And I couldn't figure out why I was supposed to care about this Lucy chick Dracula had the hots for or this Jack guy who also had the hots for the Lucy chick. We had to see all those scenes with those two characters and didn't ever get to know them or understand them.
Ariel: Right? Lucy's like, "Boo hoo, I'm so pretty, everybody is always smiling at me," and Jack obviously thinks she's so pretty too, but what he tells people is, "She's just an ordinary girl," and besides liking Lucy Jack had squat for personality, and besides being pretty and going out clubbing, Lucy never did anything at all except let Dracula suck her blood.
Sasha: Did we ever even see what happened to Jack at the end?
Ariel: Did we? I don't think so. It was like, they got to the big throw-down between Doctor Nun Van Helsing and Dracula, and the Doctor Nun tells Jack, "Dude, your plot purpose is done here, scram." And that's the last we see of him.
Sasha: Which was fine by me, because I didn't really give two farts what happened to him, but I think that's not the reaction you're supposed to have for a major character in a final episode of a series.
Ariel: Ugh. I can't talk about it any more.
Sasha: Agreed. Do we want to talk about episode two?
Ariel: Not really. Dracula gets on a ship. Kills everybody on the ship except Nun Van Helsing, she blows up the ship, and his box sinks to the bottom of the ocean, only somehow it's nailed shut even though he was out of the box when she blew up the ship and the only one who might possibly have nailed it shut would have been her.
Sasha: Wow. When you put it like that, it doesn't sound any better than episode three.
Ariel: No it was a lot better, because at least Dracula killed plenty of people and you cared whether they lived or died because they were interesting to semi-interesting people.
Sasha: Good point.
Ariel: Also, Nun Van Helsing was still Nun Van Helsing instead of Doctor Nun Van Helsing, great great grand-niece of Nun Van Helsing.
Sasha: Nun Van Helsing was definitely way cooler.
Ariel: She was badass.
Sasha: Not quite as badass as in episode one, though.
Ariel: OMG, episode one. SO GOOD.
Sasha: Truth.
Ariel: What the heck happened? How do you go from that episode one to that episode three?
Sasha: I have no idea.
Ariel: Badass nun with a badass attitude doing a badass job interviewing this crazy Jonathan Harker dude who got crazified staying with Dracula, and then eventually Dracula shows up and she does a badass job staring him down too ... plus all those scenes in the super-creepy castle! I just about shit myself several times.
Sasha: It was pretty scary.
Ariel: But also cool and funny and Nun Van Helsing and Dracula were both such awesome characters ... and then, all downhill from there.
Sasha: Such a shame.
Ariel: Yeah. At the end of episode one I was all, "Holy moley, I hope there's more than one season of this because three episodes won't be nearly enough!" And then by the end of episode three, I was all, "Why didn't they stop after that one great episode?"
Sasha: Maybe they wrote the one great episode and the network said, "Guys, we love it, but you need to make it a series, not just a short movie."
Ariel: Maybe. It's a head scratcher.
Sasha: That's for sure. Well, are we ready to put a stake in this one?
Ariel: And how. R.I.P., Dracula.
Sasha: Please don't rise from the dead for another season!
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