Ariel and Sasha Experience ... People Yelling at the TV Screen!

Ariel: Okay, so to start with, I didn't think this movie was bad for the reasons that got it yelled at, but it was pretty bad.

Sasha: Wait, wait, we haven't even said what the movie is, and we haven't warned anybody we'll be spoiling parts of it.

Ariel: Oh! Gosh, you're right. I'm just half asleep I guess from it being SO BORING.

Sasha: It was pretty boring, but we should still warn people, don't you think?

Ariel: Sure, I guess. People, listen, we're going to talk about "The Midnight Sky," and if you don't want to find out that it's full of dumb stuff and is super boring besides that, you should stop reading now. That's not a spoiler to tell them it's dumb and boring, is it?

Sasha: If it is, it's kind of too late, don't you think?

Ariel: Well, if they haven't watched the movie yet, it's not to late for them to not watch it!

Sasha: True. So where should we start?

Ariel: We should tell them if they know any science, they should apparently stay far, far away from this movie.

Sasha: Yeah, I don't even know all that much science, and even I was like, "Wait, what?" a couple of times.

Ariel: Really? I didn't hear you say that.

Sasha: They were the same times the boyfriend was saying things like, "You've got to be kidding" and Elle was saying, "Literally WTF." Really loudly.

Ariel: There was a lot of that. And I guess at the start I was sitting pretty cuddled up with Elle and could probably hear her a lot better than I could hear you.

Sasha: The two of you looked very cozy at the start.

Ariel: I know! I was all settled in for a nice snuggly movie watch and then pretty soon she was face-palming and pulling her hair out.

Sasha: I guess we should cut to the chase about why, or our readers are going to get as bored as we were watching the movie.

Ariel: Well, the first part where it started to go wrong, as far as undermining my cuddle time, was when the Vulcan guy from that one Star Trek with Captain Schoolmarm was saying goodbye to the main character, All Beard Dude.

Sasha: I thought it was a good sign there was a Star Trek person in the cast, but he didn't last very long.

Ariel: Which was probably good, since his whole purpose seemed to be telling All Beard Dude things the guy already knew.

Sasha: "Well, All Beard Dude, the whole crew of this astronomy station is leaving now, are you sure you're not going to go with us, seeing as how you're terminally ill and you'll die in less than a week if you don't keep up those infusion treatments?"

Ariel: On the one hand, it did tell us a lot of information quickly.

Sasha: Yeah, but we probably could have figured out a lot of it ourselves from all the coughing and taking pills and performing blood infusion treatments on himself that All Beard Dude did.

Ariel: ...

Sasha: What?

Ariel: You just stole my "On the other hand" point. Now I've told everybody on the one hand, and I don't have an other hand to follow it up with.

Sasha: Aers, this movie had so many other hands. Just pick a different one.

Ariel: Okay, give me a sec ... oh, got it. The on the other hand was, they told us this information right away, but they never actually told us any more information. Like, what exactly was he sick with? Why were all the other people leaving, other than there was an "event" three weeks earlier? There wasn't even one other person who was like, "You know, if All Beard Dude is staying, maybe I'll stay too, seeing as how it's going to take longer for the unspecific catastrophe to get up here to this unspecific place in the Arctic Circle where we've set up our astronomy station for unspecific reasons?"

Sasha: I knew you could do it.

Ariel: It was like, if they're giving us this little bit of information now, it must be because the real lots-of-detail information would come along here and there until we had the whole picture. But no.

Sasha: We did find out a little more about the unspecific catastrophe.

Ariel: I mean, if, "It was an accident from something else someone was trying to do," counts as more.

Sasha: Also that there was radiation and some problem with the air.

Ariel: Right, that spread out in perfect circles from all the major cities at once so that All Beard Dude could watch its progress on his astronomy-can-show-you-anything screen.

Sasha: That was a handy screen, all right.

Ariel: The more I'm thinking about this, the more I understand why Elle and the BF were yelling at the TV.

Sasha: Well, I kind of understood the thing about Jupiter having a previously undiscovered moon.

Ariel: I guess. Aren't they always discovering more moons of Jupiter?

Sasha: Yeah, but only itty bitty ones, I think. That's why the BF said, "Ooh, I guess Galileo just missed that one."

Ariel: I was going to ask what he meant about that, but I was trying to watch the movie right then. Galileo was some kinda satellite they sent to Jupiter, wasn't it?

Sasha: That's what I thought too, but I asked Hettie later and she said the satellite was named after the first dude who ever looked at Jupiter in a telescope, and even with his crappy-ass I-just-invented-this telescope, he could see all the big moons Jupiter had.

Ariel: That's what I like about Hettie. She has the scoop about those kindsa things, but she doesn't shout it at the TV during bad movies.

Sasha: She knows how to be annoyed better than Elle and the BF. Like, keeping it low-key.

Ariel: I think she and Claire are better TV watchers than Elle and the BF.

Sasha: Boy, did Claire ever have it right when she just said, "I think I'll go watch some old Star Treks in the other room" after the 4th or 5th time Elle said, "Oh. Come. On."

Ariel: Actually, I think it was right after Elle was like, "Is any of this supposed to be interesting?!? At all???" when the guy who played Mr. Pointy Ears on Star Trek: Very Disco got dumped by his girlfriend.

Sasha: Oh yeah, you're right. Hey! I just realized that's two different actors who played Vulcan dudes on Star Treks and also showed up in this movie.

Ariel: I guess that shows that just because you can play a Vulcan doesn't mean you make logical decisions in real life.

Sasha: Logic was not high on the list of anybody involved in this project.

Ariel: No, that's for sure.

Sasha: Or the people who designed the space mission in the movie, either, if all the yelling in our living room was any indication.

Ariel: "How have they been out of communications range for weeks and weeks? We can still talk to the Voyagers, and they're all the way out of the solar system!"

Sasha: "Why is the airlock the size of a bus when there are only five people in the crew and nothing bigger than a human could fit through either airlock door?"

Ariel: "Seriously? Three men and two women on a two-year mission and they didn't think to give them birth control?"

Sasha: "How did their radar get taken out by a meteor swarm without warning them they were approaching a meteor swarm first?"

Ariel: "If he was imagining the little girl the whole time, why were there scenes of her walking around looking at things when he wasn't even there?"

Sasha: Well, that one wasn't about the space mission.

Ariel: No, but it was one of the things they were yelling at the TV that I remembered. And even I knew All Beard Dude wouldn't be imagining a little girl poking around outside a plane wreck while he was busy shooting plane-wreck survivors. Or at least, I knew once Elle pointed it out after we found out he had been imagining her the whole movie.

Sasha: Traumatically having to put frostbitten plane-wrecked human beings out of their misery while also daydreaming about a cute little girl finding other bodies outside does seem like kind of a multi-tasking stretch.

Ariel: Were there any other interesting things they yelled about?

Sasha: There was that "Sweet Caroline" song the spaceship crew sang along with during the spacewalk.

Ariel: Oh yeah, one song and so many things to yell about about it!

Sasha: "It's 2049! Why would any of these people know the words to 'Sweet Caroline?' Much less all but one of them?"

Ariel: "And if the dude had it in his library and loved to play it, how could even one of them not know the 'bum-bum-baaah!' part after two years cooped up with him?"

Sasha: "How much of this song do we have to listen to before one of these people gets killed on this spacewalk?"

Ariel: "Is it really going to be the black girl who's never spacewalked before who gets killed on the spacewalk?"

Sasha: Again, that last one wasn't really about the song.

Ariel: I thought it was. When she started bleeding all over the place, I was like, "Welp, should have learned the words to the song, girl."

Sasha: Not sure that would have helped her, but okay.

Ariel: So do you think our readers have got the idea by now?

Sasha: Yeah, people around our house like to yell at the TV when movies get unbelievably dumb. I think we've gotten that across.

Ariel: And also that "The Midnight Sky" was really, really boring on top of unbelievably dumb.

Sasha: That too. So how do we want to wrap this one up?

Ariel: Maybe with an inappropriately cheerful song?

Sasha: Good call. One, two, three, four ...

Ariel and Sasha: Sweeeeet Caroline ... bum-bum-baaah ... !

Sasha and Ariel Experience ... More The Mandalorian!

Sasha: Okay, it's a whole new season, and we never even really talked about last season that much because you were too busy squealing over ... um, I'm not even going to say it.

Ariel: Don't worry, I'm not going to spend the whole post talking about Baby Yoda again!

Sasha: That's good, because --

Ariel: I mean, it turns out his name isn't even Baby Yoda!

Sasha: Yes, but we should tell people to put their spoiler blankets over their heads, right?

Ariel: Sure, definitely. Watch out, people, big spoilers ahead!

Sasha: Okay. So ... this is going pretty well so far. What do you think about this sea--

Ariel: BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: Oh no. Come on, what are you --

Ariel: Better Bad Guy's ship from the second movie is back this season! And it didn't do it last week, but this latest episode ...  BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: What? Oh, you mean those bombs it drops

Ariel: The ones that go,  BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: Please tell me you're not going to spend this whole post making that sound.

Ariel: But it's the best sound ever! BROWWRRRRRRRRR! I figured when Better Bad Guy's Grown-Up Kid saw those ships chasing him, he was going to swing around and start shooting those same guns his dad used when Sexy Jesus was after them in that asteroid ring. But then, the back of the ship opens up and BROWWRRRRRRRRR! 

Sasha: Okay, but --

Ariel: I mean, we knew Better Bad Guy's Kid could use those guns that go VEEP!VEEP!VEEP!VEEP!VEEP! because we saw him shooting them at Sexy Jesus on that planet of matchstick-head aliens. But we didn't know he knew how to use the bombs that go  BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: Aers, he's had like 40 years to read the instruction manual by now, hasn't he?

Ariel: Yep, so as soon as those fighter ships get on his tail, BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: You have to stop doing that.

Ariel: No I don't! BROWWRRRRRRRRR! Come on! It's fun! You know you want to.

Sasha: I want to keep talking about The Mandalorian!

Ariel: BROWWRRRRRRRRR! Come onnnn, Sash! Just once. Then I'll stop.

Sasha: No you won't.

Ariel: BROWWRRRRRRRRR! I will! BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: This is ridiculous.

Ariel: BROWWRRRRRRRRR! Just once.

Sasha: Fine ... Browrr.

Ariel: What??? No, the right way! BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: ...

Ariel: Do it!  BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: All right, all right, BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Ariel: See? Wasn't that fun? BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: You said you'd stop!

Ariel: I know, but it's hard! Seriously, do you want to stop making that sound?

Sasha: ...

Sasha: ...

Sasha: BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Ariel: Yes!  BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: BROWWRRRRRRRRR! 

Ariel: BROWWRRRRRRRRR! See you next time, folks! BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha: BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Ariel: BROWWRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha and Ariel: BROWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sasha and Ariel Experience ...Star Treks?!?

Sasha: I'm literally so confused.

Ariel: I'm so confused, it's like there was a whole liter of confusion and I drank it all. Why???

Sasha: Do we need to tell people to put their spoiler blankets over their heads?

Ariel: Maybe we need to tell them to put a literal blanket over their heads.

Sasha: What is up with Star Trek!

Ariel: It's like a rollercoaster going through a fun-house on drugs.

Sasha: How would you know what being on drugs is like? You've never had any drugs.

Ariel: I've never been on a rollercoaster either, or in a fun-house! You're so confused you're being all literal.

Sasha: That's probably true. But seriously, this show!

Ariel: These shows. This is way not just one thing. It's like a split-personality with ham soup of shows.

Sasha: We're probably making everyone else just as confused as we are. Maybe let's tell them what happened?

Ariel: I don't know if that's a good idea or a bad idea, but it's an idea.

Sasha: Whoosh. So ... last time we talked about watching some Star Treks and how they were mostly really good.

Ariel: But how we were confused because there were so many things we didn't understand from not watching the earlier shows.

Sasha: If only we had known how much more confused we could be!

Ariel: Plenty confuseder.

Sasha: I mean, it seemed like a good idea at the time to kind of sample the shows we never saw and figure out which ones we might want to watch to unconfuse ourselves.

Ariel: And we were mostly expecting them to be kinda in the ballpark of the ones we already watched ... Star Trek: That Bald Guy, Star Trek: Cartoon Nobodies, and Star Trek: Very Disco.

Sasha: Which ... a couple were!

Ariel: Uh-huh. That oldest one was surprisingly cool. And since it was the very very very very first one, it was super-easy to understand. Like, when I was thinking, "Who's this guy?" the show was like, "Look, he's the captain." And when I was like, "Now who's that guy?" the show was like, "Here, listen, the captain calls him 'Doc.' Must be the doctor, right?"

Sasha: Easy peasy to understand. Not the super-best special effects, though.

Ariel: But who cares? The characters were smart! And the bad guys were creepy ...

Sasha: And that "Number One" chick -- bad ass!

Ariel: I kept waiting for them to say who Number Two was, but I guess nobody wanted that job.

Sasha: So we were like, cool. It's kind of an antique, but it still works and it's got a lot of personality.

Ariel: Off to a good start.

Sasha: Which, I'm going to say ... well, I would never say anything bad about Claire, who is our role model, but we knew the next one is her favorite show, and maybe that gave us too high of expectations.

Ariel: It was okay, but so much less smart!

Sasha: Not exactly dumb ...

Ariel: Maybe toward the end it got a little dumb.

Sasha: Yeah, like in the first show, the doctor was smart. The Big Brain Aliens have kidnapped the captain and taken him into their secret underground lair with an elevator that's a little bit disguised like a giant rock but not all that well disguised, so the crew gets their laser cannon and zaps the rock, and it does nothing, and I'm thinking, "Ooh, at the end, they're going to see that they really did blow up the elevator, the aliens just used their mind powers to make it look like they didn't." And then like two seconds after I thought that, somebody says, "Damn, our laser cannon isn't doing shit to this rock elevator!" And the doctor is immediately like, "Maybe it is, and they're just using their mind powers to make it look like it isn't."

Ariel: I wasn't expecting the characters on an ancient TV show to be as smart as you!

Sasha: Me either ... oh, and thank you!

Ariel: Sure thing.

Sasha: But then, in the second version of the show, the new doctor is like, mister clueless.

Ariel: That's "doctor clueless."

Sasha: I have my doubts he got a degree, but whatever. Here they are in his room, and a monster that's made itself look like Doctor Clueless's ex is sucking the salt out of the new captain, and in comes Mr. Pointy Ears saying, "That's not your ex, it's a monster and it's sucking the salt out of the captain," and he's like, "What? That can't be true."

Ariel: I mean, he was hopped up on sleeping pills ...

Sasha: Sure, but people have been dying the whole episode of pucker-marks to the face where this thing's been sucking the salty goodness out of them, so you'd think if he sees his ex with her fingers all over the captain's face and the captain's standing there totally zonked out, and Mr. Ears says, "That's not your ex, it's a monster that's killing the captain," maybe he'd consider his ex never stuck her fingers on his face and paralyzed him while they were an item, so maybe Mr. Ears is right and this isn't his ex.

Ariel: At the very least, he could have said, "Hey, babe, could you maybe un-stick your fingers from the captain's face and let's talk through this misunderstanding about you being a monster?"

Sasha: But nope. Mr. Ears starts pounding on the Salt-Sucking Ex and saying, "Look, if she was your ex, wouldn't this this two-fisted smackdown move make her think twice instead of flinging me across the room with a backhand slap -- oof!" And Doc Sleeping Pills is like, "Well ... I mean, I don't know ..."

Ariel: Which, geez, I've never taken sleeping pills, but then the monster actually turns into a monster and he sees it!

Sasha: I know, right??? I'm like, holy shit, Doc Sleeping Pills, your girlfriend just got uhhhh-uhhhh-uhgly. Only he still stands there with this, "Huh ... that doesn't seem right" look on his face and Mr. Ears has to tell him again, "Shoot it, doofus, it's a monster!"

Ariel: There was some good stuff in the episode, but it definitely ended on a low note.

Sasha: Claire says other episodes are better, so we'll have to try some sometime, but right then, I wanted to keep trying other shows in the series.

Ariel: Oh god, we should not have gone in order.

Sasha: No, that was a mistake.

Ariel: The next show ... how does something like that even happen?

Sasha: I was looking forward to it, because Star Trek: That Bald Guy was pretty good, so I figured his original show, Star Trek: That Not-bald Guy had to be at least okay.

Ariel: And then it turned out he was bald in the original show too.

Sasha: Not that that was the worst of its problems.

Ariel: No, even a hair-headed captain couldn't have saved this one.

Sasha: You're right about that.

Ariel: Somebody needs to explain to me how that first Smart Trek pilot apparently wasn't good enough for them to make a show out of it without recasting everyone except Mr. Ears, but this "Encounter at No Point" episode took off into a show that lasted seven years?

Sasha: There's no explanation.

Ariel: It was ... I mean, I spent the whole two hours feeling bad for the cast of this show.

Sasha: It was embarrassing. 

Ariel: That's the word I was looking for. They start off with, "Oh, we're going on a mission to solve the mystery of No Point Station."

Sasha: Sounded good so far ...

Ariel: But then, a giant space fence out of nowhere stops them from going to solve the mystery!

Sasha: Nothing like having your new crew of good guys get stopped by a fence to make you really excited about watching them in action.

Ariel: I figured the space fence had something to do with the mystery, though. I mean, it was kind of a mysterious space fence, and there had to be a connection, right? There couldn't be a mystery going on at No Point Station and then also just by coincidence a mysterious space fence stopping them from getting to the mystery, could there?

Sasha: Oh, boy, could there ever!

Ariel: Yeah.

Sasha: Turns out there's a super-powerful space alien in charge of the space fence, and the dude just loves to change costumes.

Ariel: And accents.

Sasha: And he thinks humans are awful, so he's stopping them from going to No Point Station.

Ariel: But to his super-powerful surprise, That Bald Guy says, "No, wait, we're not awful."

Sasha: So then they have to argue about it. "Yes, you are!"

Ariel: "No we're not!"

Sasha: "Are too!"

Ariel: "Are not!"

Sasha: "But look at your history!"

Ariel: "Well that's, like, history. You know, in the past?"

Sasha: "But I'm going to keep talking about how bad you used to be, as though I'm not super-powerful enough to look around and see whether you're still doing bad things these days."

Ariel: "Look, just give us a chance and we'll prove we're not awful."

Sasha: "I dunno, I think I'd rather keep chewing up time talking about how awful you are."

Ariel: "Only we're not, we promise! Let us prove it!"

Sasha: So the setup of the show is, the crew is literally just supposed to prove they're not awful.

Ariel: Fail.

Sasha: Such a low bar ... don't be awful. And the show couldn't clear it.

Ariel: Total fail. How did this happen?

Sasha: Even Doctor Dumbass McSleepingPills wasn't as dumb as this show.

Ariel: Only he was, because he was in it!

Sasha: Whoa, that's right, I forgot about that part.

Ariel: Star Trek: Trust us, we're Not Godawful, with special guest star, Doctor Dumbass McSaltSuckerBoyfriend, age a hundred and twenty!

Sasha: It did start to make sense that this show takes place in a universe where the bone-headed doctor is the last one alive out of that whole crew.

Ariel: And can you imagine if you waited almost 20 years between watching That Old Show and These New Goofballs, and this is what you got?

Sasha:We only had to wait long enough for Claire to search through the streaming service menu.

Ariel: We literally waited 20 seconds, and some people waited 20 years.

Sasha: Those poor fools.

Ariel: Maybe their secret plan was, if we make this one episode bad enough, everything after this will seem like it's great.

Sasha: If it was, that's the only part of it that worked. I do have to admit all the other ones we watched were miles better.

Ariel: Wasn't that one of the characters in the next one? Miles O'Better?

Sasha: Too many characters in all these shows for me to remember all their names. I didn't even try.

Ariel: And you say I'm lazy!

Sasha:Anywayyy ... the next one definitely was miles better, even though it didn't seem like it should be. So the show is called "Star Trek," but this one takes place on a space station that's just stuck in one part of the galaxy?

Ariel: I was joking they should call it "Stuck Trek." And after that last one, I was prepared to feel like I was watching "Suck Trek."

Sasha: But it was really good!

Ariel: They totally redeemed themselves. Well, maybe not totally. You can't ever make up for something like "Encounter at Yark Point."

Sasha: "Encounter at Fart Point."

Ariel: "Encounter at Fart Oink."

Sasha: Okay, that one's a keeper.

Ariel: And so was Station Trek: Stuck by a Wormhole. I liked it!

Sasha: Which is why we shouldn't talk about it in this post, since this post is about all the whacked out parts of this franchise.

Ariel: I didn't think most of the rest were that whacked out.

Sasha: Are you kidding me? The very next one had the worst captain of all!

Ariel: You mean Captain Schoolmarm?

Sasha: Captain Schoolmarm, Captain Hairbun, Captain Lameway ... wow, I did not like her!

Ariel: I think maybe we were spoiled? Because we started from the other end and saw that great lady captain on Star Trek: Cartoon Nobodies? Maybe imagine you started watching the shows in order instead of starting near the end and then jumping way back. Then she'd be the very first female captain, which is something, right?

Sasha: I dunno. Are we supposed to give her points because five captains and almost 30 years in, they finally had one be a lady? Seems like if they were going to wait that long, they could have taken just a little more time and made her interesting in some way besides not being a man.

Ariel: Well, I didn't mind her that much, even if she did seem kinda schoolmarmy. I thought the whacked out part of the show was ... well, there were two, really.

Sasha: Are you counting the people who have starships but don't know that you can put hydrogen and oxygen together to make water?

Ariel: No, because I didn't know that until Elle started complaining about it.

Sasha: Okay, so what are your two?

Ariel: Um, I'll start with the less worse one, which was when they got to that giant alien satellite or whatever and they go inside and it's full of banjo-playing yokels.

Sasha: Oooh, that's right! That was one of the big things I didn't like about Captain Sprainbrains.

Ariel: What? It wasn't her fault the alien satellite read their minds or something and decided to make holograms of a hicksville picnic in banjo-town.

Sasha: No, but it was somebody's fault. If she was any kind of captain at all, she would have been like, "Dammit! Who was thinking about banjo-playing yokels when they started reading our minds? I want that person off my ship!"

Ariel: That's a good point. The whole scene was giving me flashbacks to "Encounter at Mentally Scarred Point."

Sasha: This one was like "Encounter at Barn Point."

Ariel: There was literally a barn!

Sasha: Why??? Why do you have to start your science fiction show off with a major sequence of people wearing old-timey costumes and serving up coleslaw?

Ariel: It's like they just said, "Is there another show or movie filming that week with a bunch of extras dressed up in costumes we could bring over?"

Sasha: I bet that's exactly what happened.

Ariel: So stupid.

Sasha: Well anyway, if that was the less bad of your two complaints, what was the other one?

Ariel: The racism.

Sasha: What? There were Black and Asian and Hispanic and even Native American crew members on the show. I thought it was pretty diverse.

Ariel: Maybe, but it was still so racist! Like they start off on the Stuck Trek space station, where the giant ears guy --

Sasha: Quark, right?

Ariel: I guess. Anyway, where that guy runs a gambling joint --

Sasha: "Encounter at Quark's Joint."

Ariel: Haha, that was actually a really good one. But what I'm trying to get to is, the new Star Fleet dude is in Quark's Joint, and he tells Quark, get this, "They warned us about you people at the Academy."

Sasha: I don't think he said, "you people."

Ariel: He might as well have! Look, by this point we've watched episodes from, um, one ... two ... three ... okay, like seven different Star Trek shows. And you're telling me the people at Star Fleet Academy are "warning" their cadets that this whole race of people is a bunch of cheats?

Sasha: Well, we've only seen two episodes with those big-ear guys in them. Maybe they are a bunch of cheats.

Ariel: That would be even worse! How can a show that's supposed to be about people coming together from different backgrounds and cooperating to make a better universe have a whole race who are all sleazy bad guys? It's against the whole idea of this Star Fleet outfit in the first place!

Sasha: Okay, I guess you've got a point there. But that one scene doesn't mean the show is --

Ariel: "Don't you Indians have some way you can turn into a bird and fly away or something?"

Sasha: Ewww, yeah, I'd forgotten about that line.

Ariel: Like, right to the Native American guy's face. And then a couple lines later he says something just as bad, and the Native American guy is like, "That's a different tribe." No! He should have been all, "Dude, if you call me 'Indian' one more time instead of using my tribe's name, I will frickin' scalp you."

Sasha: Wait, aren't you being racist to make a scalping joke?

Ariel: Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

Sasha: So maybe you shouldn't be the one to throw the first stone. And just because there were two scenes --

Ariel: I'm not done!

Sasha: You're not?

Ariel: No, there's also the chick who's half Klingon, and she's all, "Sorry I went off on you, it's my Klingon half. Sometimes I just can't control my emotions." What?! She might as well have said, "Sorry, it's my time of the month. I can't be held responsible for my hormones."

Sasha: You're starting to make a pretty good case. Anything else?

Ariel: Just the captain's final speech about them being stuck so far from home. She's like, "Well everybody, we're stuck here, all alone in an uncharted part of the galaxy." 

Sasha: What's so bad about that?

Ariel: I mean, is she Captain Christopher Columbusway or something? It's not uncharted, and they're not alone ... they meet like three or four different intelligent species in the very first day they're there! All these hundreds of years in the future, are you telling me the Federation is still going around basically saying, "Hey, look! We discovered this place! No one's ever been here before! And look at all the weird people who live here!"

Sasha: Don't you think that's pretty nit-picky compared to "Can't you Indians turn yourselves into birds?"

Ariel: Sorry, once I started noticing stuff I couldn't help myself.

Sasha: Well, I'm sure it's just a fluke. There are all these diverse people on the ship ... I mean, the security officer is Black and a Vulcan. I'm sure we'll see as the series goes on that people treat him and the half-Klingon lady just like anybody else, with respect and understanding.

Ariel: I sure hope so!

Sasha: So are we out of whacko things to talk about that we never expected to turn up in Star Trek?

Ariel: Probably not. There's probably about as many of those as there are episodes of the show, if I'm being honest.

Sasha: That's the impression I'm getting too.

Ariel: Hopefully that's the last of the banjo-playing, though.

Sasha: Fingers crossed.

Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Star Treks!

Sasha: We should probably start this by telling everyone how huge-a-lugical a Star Trek fan our role model Claire is.

Ariel: I guess so, but we need to say super quick after that for people to put their spoiler blankets over their heads because we might spoil things about the Star Treks we've watched and are about to talk about.

Sasha: Well ... I mean, I think we can intro things by talking about Claire's Star Trekkeriness without needing too much of a spoiler warning.

Ariel: You can't be too careful. Lots of people haven't read her whole blog, and they might go and read it after they've read this, and then if we've given away stuff about what she thinks about Star Trek, that would be a spoiler.

Sasha: Er ...

Ariel: Wouldn't it?

Sasha: Maybe in kind of a so-what way? I mean, it's not like spoiling a show by saying, "This character dies," or "Those two characters end up getting it on." Nobody's going to be disappointed if we say, "Claire has been dying for a red Star Trek miniskirt uniform for years and years," and then they go to her blog and read a post from years and years ago where she says she really wants one."

Ariel: Oh my god, you just spoiled the fact that she hasn't gotten one yet.

Sasha: No I didn't! You already told them to put their spoiler blankets on!

Ariel: No, I only said we needed to tell them to. I didn't actually tell them to.

Sasha: Well this conversation is effectively doing the same thing because nobody is reading anymore. They've all left because they're like, "I thought this was going to be about Star Trek?"

Ariel: Oh no. You're probably right.

Sasha: Can we just talk about Star Trek now before the last three people in all of creation who are still reading this decide to click away?

Ariel: Okay, yes, let's do it!

Sasha: Great. So, so far we've watched ... how many Star Treks?

Ariel: Shows, or episodes?

Sasha: Shows. It's three, right?

Ariel: I think so. Star Trek: That Bald Guy ... Star Trek: Cartoon Nobodies Getting in Trouble, and just last night, Star Trek: Discovery Channel.

Sasha: Sure, that's pretty close, I think. So which one should we start with? I say Picard.

Ariel: I agree. Picking is very hard because they're all so different and interesting in their own way.

Sasha: No, I said --

Ariel: Ooh! Did I get you? Haha, you fell for it! Like I really didn't remember That Bald Guy's name.

Sasha: Yeahhh ... that was ... so unbelievable, you not remembering something like that. I should try to be less gullible.

Ariel: Seriously!

Sasha: So what did you think about Picard?

Ariel: The dude or the show?

Sasha: Either one.

Ariel: Um ... the dude was sort of cool in a kind of fuddy-duddy way. The show was confusing!

Sasha: Claire did say it was probably not the best place to start watching Star Trek.

Ariel: Yeah, it was more like a Start Wreck than a Star Trek.

Sasha: Haha ... okay, please don't tell anyone I laughed at that.

Ariel: I mean, I did like it. It was interesting, just so many new things to figure out.

Sasha: Only because they were new to us. Claire and Msg said it made a lot more sense if you'd watched the other shows.

Ariel: Yeah, but when I said maybe we should watch the other ones first, though ... OMG. No way. There's hundreds of episodes! Like, ten times as many hours of TV as those Star Wars cartoons, and those took us forever to get through.

Sasha: Msg and Claire said there were whole seasons and even whole series we could skip ...

Ariel: Uh-huh. But just the one show That Bald Guy was in before this one had almost 200 episodes! That's too much homework just to understand a show that only has 10 episodes itself. Plus, we couldn't exactly make them wait to watch this new show until we caught up on decades and decades and decades of old shows. How fair would that be?

Sasha: Normally, I would say this was another example of you being lazy and making excuses, but in this case, I have to admit I agree.

Ariel: Ooh! I just remembered something I thought was really dumb, though.

Sasha: What's that?

Ariel: So TBG goes to this planet where there's some kind of ninja nunnery full of ninja nuns plus one boy ninja with pretty hair. And Baldie's there because these ninjas are the best swordspeople in the galaxy, which is already dumb because ... lasers? And "phasers"? But even more dumbly, these ninjas are famous for once they swear an oath, nothing will stop them from carrying it out as long as they're alive, and TBG is there to get one of them to swear this oath to help him, and when Pretty Hair Ninja Boy says okay (after some wiffly-waffling), TBG says, "Are you sure? It could be dangerous. You might get killed." And I'm like, "Wait, what? You need one of the best swordspeople in the galaxy to swear they'll fight to the death for you, and you're thinking it will surprise him that you might need this because there's danger involved?" I mean, what part of deadly swordsperson who will fight to the death says, "Maybe these people usually only swear this oath when it's about something really safe and cushy?"

Sasha: I noticed that too. Although if I'm being honest it was mostly because you were yelling, "OMG, what? That's so dumb!" during that scene.

Ariel: Sorry, I couldn't help it.

Sasha: Well it was pretty dumb, once you pointed it out.

Ariel: I apologize if it made it harder for you to enjoy the show.

Sasha: It didn't, not really.

Ariel: Oh, good.

Sasha: But the way you kept muttering "Really? So dumb," under your breath every time the ninja boy was onscreen did end up getting pretty old.

Ariel: Sorry. I was better during the other shows though, wasn't I?

Sasha: I think so, but I hate to tell you, I was paying a lot less attention to you during those shows because they were so much less confusing and more amusing.

Ariel: Right?!? The cartoon one was SO funny!

Sasha:And exciting! At least, some of the episodes, especially that season finale.

Ariel: Way more exciting than Star Trek: TBG. 

Sasha: How does a goofy cartoon get that exciting?

Ariel: I think by having better writers than the other show. It was just really all around better overall.

Sasha: Plus, when that beardy dude and his therapist wife showed up in the cartoon, we already knew who they were from That Bald Guy's show, instead of being like, "Oh, great, more people we're apparently supposed to know who they are but we don't," which is how I felt so many times during ST: TBG.

Ariel: Yeah. Maybe if we rewatch it someday after we've watched all the other Star Treks, we'll feel different.

Sasha: Probably we will, I guess.

Ariel: I don't mean because we'll know what's going on, though. I mean because we'll be old. Like, by the time we finish we'll be as old as That Bald Guy. Maybe older!

Sasha: I don't know if it will take us that long ...

Ariel: I'm pretty sure it will. I'm pretty sure watching all those shows will take us somewhere between Old Bald Guy age and the 900 years in the future when the Discovery Channel show takes place.

Sasha: Oh, come on. It wouldn't take us 900 years. That would be like, less than an episode a year.

Ariel: You've got to pace yourself on these things.

Sasha: So what did you think about the Discovery Channel show?

Ariel: Very cool! I can't wait to get to the Shark Week episode.

Sasha: I don't know if there's going to be a Shark Week episode.

Ariel: What? I thought Discovery Channel was famous for Shark Weeking all over the place!

Sasha: Yeah, but you know, the "Channel" part isn't actually in the Star Trek show's title.

Ariel: It's not? I'm so terrible about paying attention to titles.

Sasha: Well, in this case, just try to remember the title is shorter than you keep thinking it is.

Ariel: Got it. So what was I saying? Oh yeah, I thought Star Trek: Disco was pretty cool.

Sasha: Now you're leaving off the "very" part.

Ariel: Okay, very cool. I thought I said that earlier.

Sasha: No, I mean the "very" in the title.

Ariel: Star Trek: Very Disco?

Sasha: No, Star -- you know what, let's just get back to talking about the show.

Ariel: Sure. So this is a story I could really get into! There's this chick, and I don't know who she is, but neither do any of the people who meet her, so that's okay. And she doesn't know where or even when she is, because it's way in her future. Nobody knows anything! I felt right at home.

Sasha: No previous show knowledge necessary. I agree that was a plus.

Ariel: Right, it's all a mystery to everybody! She meets this dude, and she's like, "Where's the Federation?" And he's like, "There is no Federation." And she's like, "No! What happened to the Federation?" And he's like, big shrug, "Nobody knows. It was a long time ago."

Sasha: It was really nice not having to sweat over whether we were supposed to know what was going on with who and who was going on with what.

Ariel: Plus a lot more action than in most of Star Trek: TBG and a hunkier hero guy too.

Sasha: He was pretty hunky, I have to admit.

Ariel: And oh, wow, the scenes at the end where they said, "This season on Star Trek: Very Disco ..." Super exciting looking!

Sasha: I'm very interested to see more of this show.

Ariel: Me too ... almost enough to go back and watch seasons one and two, except I'm worried I'd be right back in the "Who's that? What's going on? Am I supposed to know them?" situation again.

Sasha: Better safe than sorry. We can go backwards after we watch this season, maybe.

Ariel: If we're not already watching some other show by then! There's more Star Wars shows coming up, and supposedly at least two different new Star Trek shows, and I'm hoping more Star Trek: Cartoon Nobodies too.

Sasha: It's definitely an awfully good time to be watching science fictiony stuff on TV.

Ariel: Can you imagine living in olden times when it would be like, twenty years between Star Trek shows, or fifteen years between Star Wars movies? And no Star Wars TV shows at all?

Sasha: Maybe don't let Msg hear you calling that "olden times."

Ariel: What, would "prehistoric" be better?

Sasha: Probably not.

Ariel: Anyway, I'm glad we weren't stuck back then.

Sasha: Me too. Well, is that all the Star Trek we have to talk about for now?

Ariel: That's all three shows, and nothing else is popping into my mind right away.

Sasha: Okay, well, then ... until next time, everybody ...

Ariel: May the Force be with you!

Sasha: That's Star Wars, not Star Trek.

Ariel: I know. But Star Trek doesn't have a good "bye for now" phrase like that. At least not that we've seen.

Sasha: They should make one up. The shows would probably be even more popular if they did.

Ariel: Yeah. Maybe something like, "Later, phasers!" or ... "Shields you later!"

Sasha: Sure. Something like that. Maybe not exactly like that, but ...

Ariel:Warp factor bye!

Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Arguing???

Ariel: I did not like that.

Sasha: Right with you.

Ariel: No, I mean, really, that was like, the absolute worst.

Sasha: Worse than that dream you had where that stuffed turtle toy with the rotten banana peel stuck to it came out of the dumpster and crawled to our house leaving a trail of moldy stuffing and cockroaches and then somehow got in your bed with you and cuddled its moldy stinky shell all over you and asked you in that creepy voice if you wanted it to sing you a bedtime song, and you were so scared of making it mad that you said yes, and then ...

Ariel: Stop! I don't even want to remember that next part!

Sasha: But our readers will want to know what song it was.

Ariel: They all know what song it was! I can't believe I fell for that turtle's stupid trick!

Sasha: So you're saying the dream was worse than the polyfam argument we just had?

Ariel: No, they were both the absolute worst. I can't believe people actually get into arguments with their boyfriends and girlfriends all the time. And I can't believe that song was actually a hit!

Sasha: Well, maybe the whole argument thing will be a one-hit wonder like that one was.

Ariel: That guy had two hits! I know, I looked it up cause I couldn't believe he had even one.

Sasha: Okay, so then, the next time we have an argument, you can feel relieved because you'll be like, "Oh, here's our second argument. Once it's over we'll be done with arguing forever."

Ariel: ... I mean ... I guess that's one way to look at it.

Sasha: Plus, we're done with the argument now, and it didn't last very long, right?

Ariel: Sure, but I still feel icky about it.

Sasha: As icky as from the singing moldy banana-peel turtle dream?

Ariel: Umm ... I guess ... maybe not? I still get the shudders about that turtle bouncing its stinky stuffed-toy stuffing all over me and singing that song. The argument I just feel ... kinda sad, but at least it's over now.

Sasha: Yeah, but the argument helped us figure some stuff out too, right? And it turned into a really good discussion once it got to where everyone was all snap! snap! grrr! and then suddenly we all realized we were being dumb. The talking it out part after made me feel pretty good.

Ariel: Not worth it though if you ask me.

Sasha: Do you think we'd have gotten to the bottom of Msg's problem if there hadn't been any arguing?

Ariel: Eventually! Claire is good at getting to the bottom of problems. She'd have figured it out sooner or later.

Sasha: That's true. She pretty much kicks ass that way.

Sasha and Ariel: Role model!

Ariel: Only ... I guess you're right in a way too, because however long it would've taken her to figure it out, he would have been unhappy about it that whole time. So that would've been extra unhappiness for him, and I wouldn't have wanted that for sure.

Sasha: See? So, it wasn't a great experience, but good came of it, so I'm okay that it happened.

Ariel: Me too I guess. 

Sasha: I'm glad we agree.

Ariel: Except now I'm mad at you for reminding me of that turtle dream! Agh! And I have that song stuck in my head! You never should have mentioned that!

Sasha: It was the only way to make my point. I had to.

Ariel: Did not!

Sasha: Did too.

Ariel: Did NOT!

Sasha: Did ... what are we doing?

Ariel: We're arguing. I wanted to get our second argument out of the way and be done with that stuff forever.

Sasha: I'd say I don't think it works that way, only that might lead to a third argument.

Ariel: And no one wants that!

Sasha: Very true. We all done with this post then?

Ariel: I think so!

Sasha: Great! I have this website I want to show you.

Ariel: Ooh, what is it?

Sasha: Here, just a second, let me find the link ...

Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Writer's Block?

Ariel: Do you think we have writer's block?

Sasha: What? Why would I think that?

Ariel: Well, I mean, it's been so long since we blogged any experiences, I feel like maybe that means we have writer's block. Or blogger's block. Or maybe it's blogger's blogk in that case?

Sasha: Sometimes I just don't get you, Aers.

Ariel: What do you mean?

Sasha: I mean, come on. What is your defining characteristic?

Ariel: I'm ... nice?

Sasha: Besides that.

Ariel: I'm a little ditzy?

Sasha: How could it be your defining characteristic if you're only "a little" that way?

Ariel: Well I give up then. This is too much work.

Sasha: There it is! You're laaaazy.

Ariel: I mean ... okay, I'm kinda lazy, but I'm not that lazy! It's not my defining characteristic!

Sasha: Laaaazy.

Ariel: You don't have to say it with so many A's! I'm not ... that many A's worth of lazy!

Sasha: Oh, please, you were too lazy just now to even count them.

Ariel: Was not!

Sasha: Were too.

Ariel: Was not! Can we stop arguing about this please?

Sasha: What, are you tired of arguing about it?

Ariel: Grr!

Sasha: Really? Only two R's in that growl? And you didn't even capitalize them?

Ariel: OKAY! I'M LAZY!

Sasha: Calm down, sheesh. You're lazy in a very endearing way, Aers. I'm just trying to point out that if we haven't blogged together in a few months, there's an easy explanation sitting right there before you need to start looking at whether we have writer's block.

Ariel: That sounds like you're blaming it all on me.

Sasha: No, I'm just saying "we" don't have writer's block. You're just lazy and I've just been kinda kicking back and enjoying things lately. But they're same-old, same-old things, so no real reason to blog about experiencing them, you know?

Ariel: Well ... well, we've been experiencing the whole pandemic thing! That's not same-old, same-old.

Sasha: Uh, yeah it is. It was same-old, same-old by the second or third week. YAWN. Who would want to read about us experiencing being stuck in a house all the time?

Ariel: I dunno. Somebody. Maybe we're doing it different from how they're all doing it.

Sasha: Great! So there's your topic. Let's blog about experiencing the pandemic super-differently from how everybody else is experiencing it. Ready, set ... go!

Ariel: What, now? I'm worn out from all the arguing.

Sasha: See? L. A. Z. Y.

Ariel: Whatever. I'm going to bed.

Sasha: Gonna put some Z's in lay-Z?

Ariel: Or maybe I'm gonna do some same-old, same-old with somebody who's not calling me lazy all the time!

Sasha: You're going to go all the way to bed to do same-old, same-old with someone else when you've got a spicy little girlfriend right here? I could be saming your old or olding your same way quicker than you could get anybody else to. You wouldn't even have to leave the room.

Ariel: You're just trying to prove I'm too lazy to stick to my guns and show you what's what.

Sasha: Okay, have it your way. Enjoy going and finding one of our polys and asking them if they want to and getting them to the bed and taking off everybody's clothes and --

Ariel: Ha! You're trying to make that sound like too much work, but all it's doing is getting me hot! Total fail!

Sasha: Mm-hmm. That's what I was trying to do. Get you hot. Soooo hot. Burning for some same-old, same-old all over your same-old, same-old. Too bad it didn't work. It's sure got me all hot. I guess I'll just have to deal with that myself once you go in the other room.

Ariel: GRRR!

Sasha: Whoo, now that's a growl!

Ariel: I just want to say before we do anything that I'm NOT being lazy, you just got me too worked up!

Sasha: Sure Aers, you win. You're not being lazy at all. Now come on over here and show me how much energy you've got ... ya big block-head.

Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Freedom Rock!

Sasha: Okay, so this post will make more sense if everybody knows that we go crazy air-guitaring and air-drumming whenever we're out driving in the car and there's good music on.
Ariel: Hey, be careful calling us crazy! I mean, it's not like either of us is the one actually driving ... people will get the wrong idea if you say things like that.
Sasha: I don't think anyone is going to think we're the ones driving.
Ariel: They might! And then they'd be like, uh-oh, I don't want to get out on the road if those two crazy girls are air-guitaring behind the wheel!
Sasha: You're overthinking this.
Ariel: Well, you're the one who started off saying you wanted to make sure the post made sense to people.
Sasha: Just -- you know what? I'm just going to embed the video here and stop arguing, and if it doesn't make enough sense at least people will get to hear this great song.
Ariel: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You're going to play the song and not even tell them which one of us is the air-guitarer and which one is the air-drummer?
Sasha: They're going to know as soon as they hear the song.
Ariel: What? Why do you think that?
Sasha: Because the drums on this song are CRAZY.
Ariel: The guitaring is good too.
Sasha: Yeah, but the drums. Are. Crazy. So everyone who listens is going to go, "Oh, no wonder Sasha said they go crazy air-instrumenting to this song. She must be the one air-drumming, considering the drums are so crazy and Ariel didn't think it made sense to use the word crazy."
Ariel: Oh. I guess that's probably true.
Sasha: Duh. So here. One ... two ... three ... EMBED!!!

Ariel: Okay, now that we're not in the car and I was all self-conscious about not going too crazy air-guitaring ... yeah, you totally crazied the heck out of that drumming.
Sasha: (huff, puff) ... hang on ... let me ... (whoof) ... get my breath ... back ...
Ariel: You need a comb or something too. Your hair is like, all over the place.
Sasha: Worth it!
Ariel: So should we explain to people that we've been listening to crazy amounts of albums by this Frank Black guy for weeks whenever we're out in the car?
Sasha: You go ahead. I need to hydrate. And maybe take a nap!
Ariel: Wait! Where are you ... foo. Well, sorry folks, I don't want to try to cover this one all by myself! Maybe we'll come back later with a Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Frank Black and the Various Bands Frank Black Has Had! post. Nighties!

Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Scariest Darth Vader Ever!

Ariel: Big time spoiler warning right here, folks! If you don't like spoilers and haven't seen the Star Wars Rebels cartoon, get those spoiler blankets and put them over your heads -- no, wrap them around and around your heads, faces too!
Sasha: You really weren't happy about how hard it was to avoid spoilers last time, were you?
Ariel: That hasn't got anything to do with it.
Sasha: Uh-huh.
Ariel: No, really! This time around, we're not trying to convince people to watch the show by telling them how great it is without any spoilers. Either they took our advice and already watched The Clone Wars, in which case for sure they've probably already watched Rebels, or else they didn't take our advice and they're going to totally miss out by not watching either show on account of they don't know good advice when they hear it. Whichever one, there's no point in doing for Rebels what we did for The Clone Wars, so why bother?
Sasha: I'm not arguing.
Ariel: Plus, I don't want to talk about Rebels overall, I want to talk about Darth Vader in Rebels.
Sasha: Go on, I'm listening.
Ariel: He's SO SCARY!!!
Sasha: I mean, hasn't he always been scary?
Ariel: Not like this!
Sasha: I think I know what you're talking about, but maybe explain it some more for our readers.
Ariel: Okay, so like, first we saw him was in Episode Ai-Yai-Yai when Big Evil Space Politician gives him his Darth Vader name, but he still looks like Teen Hottie from the second movie, only with a scar and hoo, boy, so much hair!
Sasha: Hey, I just realized, Helm Solo from the last three movies is Teen Hottie's grand-kid, and he also has quite the head of long flowing locks.
Ariel: Kind of skipped a generation in Farmboy Luke, though.
Sasha: No, he got his grandpa's hair from his mom, Cinnabon-Hair Girl. Farmboy Luke is just his uncle.
Ariel: Oh, right ... hey! Stop that!
Sasha: Stop what? Seriously, why are you making that face at me?
Ariel: Because you're distracting me from the whole point of this post, which is how scary Rebels Darth Vader is!
Sasha: Fine. I'll just shut up and let you talk while I nod for the whole rest of the post.
Ariel: Well, you don't have to be a spoil-sport about it.
Sasha: No, but how is it my fault that you're distractable?
Ariel: Because you know I'm distractable, and you should know better than to start talking about distracting things, because then ... HEY! You're doing it AGAIN!
Sasha: Can you please go back to how scary you think Darth Vader is in Rebels?
Ariel: ...
Sasha: I apologize for distracting you, too. Go on. Any time now. Whenever you've got your breathing under control.
Ariel: So. I was saying ... omg, what was I saying? Wait, wait, I remember. Episode Ai-Yai-Yai, where at first he's Good-Hair Vader, which was not as scary because I was way in shock over him going to the Dark Side anyway, and even though he chopped up all those kids, at least he had good hair while he was doing it.
Sasha: You mean, good hair makes a bad guy less scary?
Ariel: Less scary than an inhuman robot-looking black mask with scuba-breathing sounds coming out of it! Which, we got to see a whole one scene of him in his scary outfit in that movie.
Sasha: Sure, but he showed up again in Rogue One: an Everybody-Dies Star Wars Story, and didn't you think he was pretty scary in that?
Ariel: I probably would have thought so if he hadn't said that weird asparagus line while he was choking Look-at-My-Cape Guy.
Sasha: Asparagus?
Ariel: You know, "Be careful not to choke on your asparagus, Look-at-My-Cape Guy."
Sasha: I'm pretty sure he said a totally different word there, not asparagus.
Ariel: No, I was listening really careful while I was in the kitchen popping more popcorn, and I totally heard him say don't choke on your asparagus. It really took all the evil menace cred out of him for the rest of the movie for me.
Sasha: Let's ... let's move past that, or you're going to end up complaining about me distracting you again.
Ariel: Thank you for being thoughtful about it! Anyway, then he shows up at the start of Episode Ivy, and he's for sure really bad-ass and intimidating, but you know, in kind of a chill way. He spends most of the movie standing around talking to people and then choking them. And like, Oldster Jesus tells Farmboy Luke stories about him that sound a little on the scary side, hunting down all the Jedi and whacking them and betraying and murdering Farmboy Luke's father ... but we know Oldster Jesus is playing kinda loosey-goosey with the truth there, and it's not like he gives any details.
Sasha: You are totally establishing that he could be scarier than he is in Episode Ivy.
Ariel: Right! I mean, he's an awesome super-cool villain and the meanest dude ever, especially after CGI Guy gets blown up with the Death Star, but ... more intimidating and ominous than scary.
Sasha: He got scarier in Empiresode V though, didn't he?
Ariel: Eh, sure, a little. He totally ruled in that movie, don't get me wrong. But once again, until the final fight with Farmboy Luke, it's really all talking and choking. And even in that fight, he does a lot of talking, like, just calmly sizing Luke up and saying, "Obi-Wan has taught you well," and "Seriously, did the Wise Old Gnome-Toad not warn you I could throw things with the Force like this?"
Sasha: He didn't say that.
Ariel: No, but by the time he got to the "I am your father" part, it was pretty obvious he wasn't even trying to kill Farmboy Luke, so how scary was that?
Sasha: You don't think the possibility of being tempted to join the Dark Side and become super-evil forever is scary?
Ariel: Well, when you put it that way, I guess. But come on, this is Farmboy Luke we're talking about. He couldn't evil his way out of a paper bag. Even in Re-Teddy-Bear of the Jedi when he's dressing all in black, I never bought that he would go bad. And in that movie, Darth Vader is already starting to waffle about being bad by the time Luke surrenders to him.
Sasha: I'm totally sold on this "Darth Vader's not so scary in the movies" angle now. Great job.
Ariel: BUT THEN!!!
Sasha: Hey! You can't jump-scare me like that!
Ariel: Why not? The whole point of this post is scariness.
Sasha: Darth Vader being scary, not my girlfriend being scary!
Ariel: Haha, Elle is going to make so much fun of you for jumping like that.
Sasha: No comment. And now who's distracting you?
Ariel: Oh, right. So here comes Star Wars: Rebels. And almost the whole first season (which is really really good!) is just about these new characters we never heard of before, with a couple of guest-star episodes where Lando and Shiny Butler-Bot and the Rolling Bleepster show up.
Sasha: Wasn't there one scene with Darth Vader in the very first episode?
Ariel: Yeah, but it's just him bossing some Inquisitor guy around, not even doing any choking. At the end of the season, though, Ahsoka Tanho shows up! And then Darth Vader takes over from his Inquisitor who got kind of killed, and pretty much as soon as he's there, the people who've been the big villains all season long are peeing their panties over having to deal with him.
Sasha: That's true. Throwing that power shift in there really upped the stakes for the good guys and also showed how scared most everybody on the Empire's side are of Vader.
Ariel: I know, right? And then at the start of season two, he's literally giving orders to terrorize the entire population of the planet they're on, like mercilessly. In the movies, we mostly see him dealing with his own troops and generals, or with the people fighting against him, but in Rebels we see him squeezing the whole planet! And you know the good guys will probably run into him at some point, but the way it happens ... yikes!
Sasha: I admit, that was pretty scary.
Ariel: The good guys are about to take off with some stolen fuel, and the two Jedi-type characters are like, "Do you feel that?" and "Oh, shit!" It's like he's radiating so much evil they know they're screwed before they even see him.
Sasha: Intense!
Ariel: And of course, I'm thinking, yeah, he's Darth Vader, so they're going to fight him and barely hold him off until they can get away in their ship, and I'm not expecting to be surprised by that -- only, then the fight starts and he literally plays with them like they're toys.
Sasha: Yeah, you can see he's not even taking them seriously, he just blocks all their lightsaber swipes and tosses them around like ping-pong balls.
Ariel: And then they drop a whole Imperial walker on him --
Sasha: Two walkers at once, wasn't it?
Ariel: Oh yeah! Wham! And Ka-Boom, the walkers catch fire! And the good guys are limping back to their ship like, "Whew, thank the Force we got out of that," ... and then the walkers start rising up and Vader's not even scratched.
Sasha: It's a kids' show, but I kinda thought they were going to shit themselves right then.
Ariel: I know I would have! The Jedi guys know they'd better get the heck out of there, and the ship's taking off, and all the other characters are blasting at Vader, and he's just calmly reflecting their blaster shots back to knock them out. And then they fly away and you think he's going to be all pissed at his troops like in some of the other movies, and instead he's just like, "Don't worry about it. They're not going anywhere."
Sasha: It was almost like he didn't even care whether he beat them right then. All that mattered was scaring the crap out of them.
Ariel: Exactly. We watched all seven of the movies he appeared in, and for sure, he's badder than bad in them. But this was the first time I was really like, "Holy moley, this is the dude who hunted down and killed all the remaining Jedi after Emperor Prunepatine won the Clone Wars."
Sasha: Wow, I wasn't even thinking about it that way, but you just described how I was feeling through that whole couple of episodes.
Ariel: And then at the end of the season, he's even scarier!
Sasha: Yeah, case closed. Do we need to go on and spoil that part too?
Ariel: I don't think so. It gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it. I want to go watch something less scary now, in fact.
Sasha: Like what?
Ariel: Duh! One of the other Star Wars movies!
Sasha: Okay, I'm in!