Sasha: Okay, here we go.
Ariel: Hi, everybody! We’re trying something different today.
Sasha: Usually, we tell people what we’re going to talk about and warn them to put their spoiler blankets over their heads if they don’t want it spoiled.
Ariel: But we had a brainstorm today!
Sasha: Right! What we’re going to do is just talk about a recent movie that won lots of awards, without saying what it is, and we'll be careful not to name character names or go too much in order, and that way maybe people can read the post all the way through and not have things spoiled.
Ariel: Since they don’t even know what movie we’re talking about!
Sasha: I’m still going to say I’m not sure this will work, though. It was mostly Ariel’s idea.
Ariel: Hey, you agreed! Don’t try to blame me!
Sasha: All I’m saying is, people who haven’t seen the movies they wanted to see from the Academy Awards for last year, you might want to go watch those first.
Ariel: (Sigh!) If you were going to say that, we might as well have just done our usual spoiler warning.
Sasha: Well ... I just want to be considerate. Don’t you?
Ariel: I guess.
Sasha: Good. Let’s get started, then. You have anything to get going with?
Ariel: Sure. First off, the poor guy goes through so much in this movie, just because his buddy picks him for this job.
Sasha: Yeah, pretty ironic how one friendly decision ends up leading to so much craziness and danger. And they were obviously really good friends. You have to wonder how different things might have turned out if the one guy had the other one to rely on through the whole movie.
Ariel: You think?
Sasha: Of course!
Ariel: Hmm. Maybe. I don’t think there was any way it would all turn out happy, though, even then.
Sasha: Well, no. I mean, duh, given the circumstances. The whole setup was awful. And not just for the good guys, for everybody. Like, how could anybody live in that one super-creepy bunker? I mean, for years?
Ariel: Oh my gosh. It was soooo creepy when they got to that part. Not like the main characters had it any better the way they lived, though, squooshed into that long narrow space just below ground level where the rainwater can just run straight in.
Sasha: True.
Ariel: What do you think the deal was with that stuff they had hanging from the ceiling?
Sasha: I did not want to find out. Yuck! That was probably one of the creepiest parts, because we never really found out.
Ariel: You think so? To me there was plenty of yuckier stuff, like that drunk vomiting guy ...
Sasha: Really? That’s the thing you pick out being gross?
Ariel: You didn’t think it would be awful having to deal with that at the end of your day?
Sasha: I mean ... I guess? But in the grand scheme of things ... with all the killing and the tension of whether that message was going to get through ...
Ariel: Well, you must have a higher tolerance for vomiting than I do. That was a pretty gross part for me. Plus, there really wasn’t any worry about the message until the end.
Sasha: That’s true I suppose.
Ariel: I admit there was lots of competition for what scene was the most, like, eww.
Sasha: No doubt.
Ariel: I got a really queasy feeling when, um, that one person fell down the stairs and their head made that cracking sound when they landed ...
Sasha: So scary! How would they even be able to keep going with a head injury like that?
Ariel: I wasn’t sure they would. I thought that might be the end of them right there.
Sasha: Phh. There was a lot of movie left at that point.
Ariel: I wasn’t paying attention to how much time was left. It just seemed really likely to me they were dead.
Sasha: Wow. You really were watching this from a morbid point of view, weren’t you?
Ariel: That’s the kind of movie it was, didn’t you think? Like, after ... oops! Almost said their name. After that other person got stabbed, and was bleeding and bleeding, and you knew they weren’t going to make it, but he was still trying to put pressure on the wound, and they were telling him to stop because it hurt so much ...
Sasha: We definitely agree on that one. It was awful.
Ariel: Even the stuff that you’d think would be good was a downer, like the guy’s medal.
Sasha: Yeah, I thought the writer made a pretty good point there about medals. They’re just empty symbols compared to stuff that really matters, like being able to go home for good.
Ariel: Uh-huh. SMH. Anyway, I guess my main deal with this movie was, what was the point?
Sasha: What was the point? That’s a weird question! I thought the whole point was obviously him being able to go back to his family.
Ariel: You think? It seemed pretty iffy to me. Like, just wishful thinking on the guy’s part after everything was over.
Sasha: Wow. I thought the end was pretty clear and so hopeful!
Ariel: Hopeful? Really?
Sasha: I can’t believe you didn’t see it. You’re usually even more optimistic than me, and I like to think I’m a glass-is-mostly-full person.
Ariel: Sheesh. This is crazy! Like, “are we even talking about the same movie” level of crazy.
Sasha: Wait a minute.
Ariel: What?
Sasha: ARE we even talking about the same movie?
Ariel: Of course, Parasite.
Sasha: No! The war movie, 1917!
Ariel: What! No, scroll back up, everything you said was about Parasite!
Sasha: No it wasn’t! Everything you said was ...
(scrolling)
Sasha: Oh. Hahahahaha!
Ariel: Next time I guess we need to communicate better before we start.
Friday, April 10, 2020
Saturday, February 22, 2020
Sasha and Ariel Experience ... What the Heck Happened to Styx???
Sasha: Okay, so like, this is going to be old news to everybody but us.
Ariel: Or even so old that it's new news to them, like, "Styx who? I never heard of them."
Sasha: But we saw something mythological like recently --
Ariel: I think it was that character Charon in Book Three of Kill Six Billion Demons.
Sasha: Which is a whole other experience we need to blog about, but yeah, I think you're right.
Ariel: And this Charon guy is supposed to ferry people across the River Styx, even though there's no river in the Kill Six Billion Demons version.
Sasha: However, our boyfriend specializes in being reminded of one thing by a different thing that he remembered because of some other different thing ...
Ariel: Ect, ect.
Sasha: Elle says that's etc., etc.
Ariel: I like ect, ect better because it sounds sort of like you're coughing up a hairball. As in, "Your list is going on too long and it's making me want to barf."
Sasha: Sheesh. I didn't think I was going on that long.
Ariel: No, I just think it's fun to put stuff like ect, ect in wherever it will fit.
Sasha: Like when your girlfriend is trying to make a point about your boyfriend so the readers will have enough background info to --
Ariel: Ect, ect.
Sasha: Grr.
Ariel: Anyway, blah-blah-blah, for some reason our boyfriend played us this Styx album, Equinox.
Sasha: And it was definitely good.
Ariel: Really good, with some songs poking up into the excellent range.
Sasha: A little cheesy sometimes ...
Ariel: But in a good way! And mostly rockin' the rest of the time.
Sasha: With really ripping guitars and terrific keyboards and actually I guess just really good instruments all around.
Ariel: Plus very good harmony singing. And a song called "Born for Adventure."
Sasha: That was a good one.
Ariel: "Midnight Ride" also.
Sasha: Yep. Anyway, we were listening in the car on the BF's iTunes, and when the album was over, it went straight to the next one on its list.
Ariel: Kilroy was Here.
Sasha: We should have listened to him when he tried to get to his phone and skip it.
Ariel: No, because you should never browse your iTunes while driving!
Sasha: But it is okay to turn things off.
Ariel: That would have been a good alternative.
Sasha: To be fair, we ought to say it's really not a terrible album or anything.
Ariel: I actually didn't mind most of it. It was very commercial and poppy. And with a different guitarist who was not as good as the guy on Equinox.
Sasha: Exponentially bigger cheese factor, though.
Ariel: Like, dairy farm level cheesiness.
Sasha: And even some of that was good, like the "Mister Roboto" song at the beginning and the part in the last song when he's singing like Elvis.
Ariel: We had to look up Elvis to see if it really sounded like him when the BF said that's why the singer was singing so differently.
Sasha: It was a really good imitation!
Ariel: But eventually Kilroy was Here was over, and we went on to the album he had originally wanted us to listen to next.
Sasha: What. The. Actual. Hell.
Ariel: Now, to be honest, we're only two and a half songs into this Styx Double-I album, so we are forming an opinion on only part of the information we probably ought to have.
Sasha: But it's like a whole different band.
Ariel: Even better than Equinox
Sasha: Super-terrific guitars all over the place.
Ariel: Songs that start off with pretty piano and end up with screaming guitar solos.
Sasha: Who goes from making this kind of music to making Kilroy was Here?
Ariel: Not the original lead guitarist, apparently.
Sasha: It's honestly nuts.
Ariel: And what's even worse is, this approach apparently worked for them.
Sasha: Sadly true. The BF says they were way more popular with their second lead guitarist than with the original guy.
Ariel: People have no taste.
Sasha: Anyway, we pulled into the driveway halfway through this freaky surreal song called "A Day," and when the music shut off, we just had to come in and express our shock.
Ariel: And astonishment.
Sasha: And bafflement.
Ariel: And ...
Sasha: What are you doing?
Ariel: Finding the thesaurus. Here ... stupefaction!
Sasha: Bewilderment.
Ariel: Discombombulation
Sasha: Befuddlement.
Ariel: Ect, ect.
Sasha: Oh, you did a typo there. It's "discombobulation."
Ariel: I like discombombulation better.
Sasha: Hmm. Maybe I do too.
Ariel: So now you know, people. Later Styx was super-slick and commercial and poppy.
Sasha: And earlier Styx kicked ass.
Ariel: We should go listen to the rest of the Double-I album now.
Sasha and Ariel: Bye, everybody!
Ariel: Or even so old that it's new news to them, like, "Styx who? I never heard of them."
Sasha: But we saw something mythological like recently --
Ariel: I think it was that character Charon in Book Three of Kill Six Billion Demons.
Sasha: Which is a whole other experience we need to blog about, but yeah, I think you're right.
Ariel: And this Charon guy is supposed to ferry people across the River Styx, even though there's no river in the Kill Six Billion Demons version.
Sasha: However, our boyfriend specializes in being reminded of one thing by a different thing that he remembered because of some other different thing ...
Ariel: Ect, ect.
Sasha: Elle says that's etc., etc.
Ariel: I like ect, ect better because it sounds sort of like you're coughing up a hairball. As in, "Your list is going on too long and it's making me want to barf."
Sasha: Sheesh. I didn't think I was going on that long.
Ariel: No, I just think it's fun to put stuff like ect, ect in wherever it will fit.
Sasha: Like when your girlfriend is trying to make a point about your boyfriend so the readers will have enough background info to --
Ariel: Ect, ect.
Sasha: Grr.
Ariel: Anyway, blah-blah-blah, for some reason our boyfriend played us this Styx album, Equinox.
Sasha: And it was definitely good.
Ariel: Really good, with some songs poking up into the excellent range.
Sasha: A little cheesy sometimes ...
Ariel: But in a good way! And mostly rockin' the rest of the time.
Sasha: With really ripping guitars and terrific keyboards and actually I guess just really good instruments all around.
Ariel: Plus very good harmony singing. And a song called "Born for Adventure."
Sasha: That was a good one.
Ariel: "Midnight Ride" also.
Sasha: Yep. Anyway, we were listening in the car on the BF's iTunes, and when the album was over, it went straight to the next one on its list.
Ariel: Kilroy was Here.
Sasha: We should have listened to him when he tried to get to his phone and skip it.
Ariel: No, because you should never browse your iTunes while driving!
Sasha: But it is okay to turn things off.
Ariel: That would have been a good alternative.
Sasha: To be fair, we ought to say it's really not a terrible album or anything.
Ariel: I actually didn't mind most of it. It was very commercial and poppy. And with a different guitarist who was not as good as the guy on Equinox.
Sasha: Exponentially bigger cheese factor, though.
Ariel: Like, dairy farm level cheesiness.
Sasha: And even some of that was good, like the "Mister Roboto" song at the beginning and the part in the last song when he's singing like Elvis.
Ariel: We had to look up Elvis to see if it really sounded like him when the BF said that's why the singer was singing so differently.
Sasha: It was a really good imitation!
Ariel: But eventually Kilroy was Here was over, and we went on to the album he had originally wanted us to listen to next.
Sasha: What. The. Actual. Hell.
Ariel: Now, to be honest, we're only two and a half songs into this Styx Double-I album, so we are forming an opinion on only part of the information we probably ought to have.
Sasha: But it's like a whole different band.
Ariel: Even better than Equinox
Sasha: Super-terrific guitars all over the place.
Ariel: Songs that start off with pretty piano and end up with screaming guitar solos.
Sasha: Who goes from making this kind of music to making Kilroy was Here?
Ariel: Not the original lead guitarist, apparently.
Sasha: It's honestly nuts.
Ariel: And what's even worse is, this approach apparently worked for them.
Sasha: Sadly true. The BF says they were way more popular with their second lead guitarist than with the original guy.
Ariel: People have no taste.
Sasha: Anyway, we pulled into the driveway halfway through this freaky surreal song called "A Day," and when the music shut off, we just had to come in and express our shock.
Ariel: And astonishment.
Sasha: And bafflement.
Ariel: And ...
Sasha: What are you doing?
Ariel: Finding the thesaurus. Here ... stupefaction!
Sasha: Bewilderment.
Ariel: Discombombulation
Sasha: Befuddlement.
Ariel: Ect, ect.
Sasha: Oh, you did a typo there. It's "discombobulation."
Ariel: I like discombombulation better.
Sasha: Hmm. Maybe I do too.
Ariel: So now you know, people. Later Styx was super-slick and commercial and poppy.
Sasha: And earlier Styx kicked ass.
Ariel: We should go listen to the rest of the Double-I album now.
Sasha and Ariel: Bye, everybody!
Monday, January 20, 2020
Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Dracula!
Ariel: Lots and lots of Netflix this weekend, whoosh!
Sasha: Possibly too much.
Ariel: Well ... at least one episode too much. Blech.
Sasha: Is that about the way the Dracula series ended up?
Ariel: Well, let's tell people to put their spoiler blankets over their heads before I answer that.
Sasha: Sure. Spoiler blankets, everybody.
Ariel: Yeah, we're gonna spoil the heck out of this one.
Sasha: We good to go then?
Ariel: Yes, but no. I mean, yes, I'm not worried about spoiling things for anybody now, but no, I was definitely not good with the ending of this series!
Sasha: Me either. But do we want to jump right into that or start at the start?
Ariel: Let's jump right into it and work our way back. That way we end up talking about the best part last and it doesn't leave as bad a taste in my mouth.
Sasha: I'm good with that plan. So ... episode three was called, "The Dark Compass."
Ariel: Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that. Which is probably good because I have no idea what it means.
Sasha: Well, a compass is supposed to help you find directions, right? Maybe it's supposed to mean whatever thing was pointing Dracula in the direction he was going.
Ariel: Or maybe it means the guys making the episode had no clue where they were going so they were like, "Can you see the compass?" and then, "No, it's dark. I can't see anything," and then, "Well that sucks. But man ... 'Dark Compass' is pretty cool sounding for a title, don't you think?"
Sasha: Makes as much sense as anything, I guess.
Ariel: More sense than this episode made!
Sasha: What did you like least about it?
Ariel: Where do I begin? How about stuff being all out of order? Instead of starting off where episode 2 left off, they jumped backwards in time to show us part of what happened between episode 1 and episode 2, after which they jumped forward in time to Dracula being in some house that is obviously after the end of episode 2 but not right after, even though episode 2 was pretty cliffhanger-y at the end, then they jumped back again to show us what happened between the end of episode 2 and Dracula being in the house, then more Dracula in the house until people come and catch him and then it jumps to some kid we never saw before not answering his phone because we don't know why and we also don't know why whoever is calling him is calling him. But he's getting ready to go somewhere only we don't know where or why, and then he gets a call from some girl we also don't know inviting him to go somewhere that night, but we don't know where or why about that either, and then suddenly he's there, and I'm like, wait, was he getting ready to go because he already knew he was going somewhere with her? Because Dracula got caught in the morning and then the kid was getting ready, so I assumed he was getting ready in the morning, but maybe he wasn't?
Sasha: Uh ... but how do you really feel?
Ariel: I mean, I know this was only my third Dracula story I ever saw, or my third part of the one Dracula story I ever saw. But I still can't help feeling, is it really supposed to be this confusing?
Sasha: No, I kinda felt that way too.
Ariel: And then the lighting crew like, broke all their light bulbs or something and only had purple ones left. Seriously half the episode took place with weird lavender glowy lighting. What the hell was that about?
Sasha: I totally could not say.
Ariel: Anyway, those were my least likable things about it. Did you have different ones?
Sasha: I'm going to say when Dracula figured out how to email his lawyer from inside the secret compound and then the lawyer came and said he'd sue them if they didn't let Dracula go, and the guys who captured Dracula pretty much shrugged and said okay.
Ariel: Literally W T F.
Sasha: I mean, even if Dracula's really smart, and even if the guys who captured him accidentally gave him internet access, and even if he figured out how to email his lawyers, how did he know where he was that the lawyer could come and find him?
Ariel: I know, right? And like, if I'm running a super-secret vampire-catching company, and someone comes to the door saying, "Hey, Dracula emailed me that you've got him in there," I'm pretty sure my first reaction would be like, "Haha, you're crazy, no I don't."
Sasha: It was like, this organization had been set up over a hundred years earlier to catch Dracula in case he ever came back, and they had a super-secret hideout built to hold him if they caught him, and then some guy comes along and says, "Yeah, I'm Dracula's lawyer, hand him over," and they're not smart enough to say, "Dracula who?"
Ariel: I think my mind blocked that part out, it was so dumb, or else I would have said it first when you asked me my least liked part.
Sasha: If only I could have blocked it out!
Ariel: If only. Well, if you could have, what would have been your second least liked thing?
Sasha: Everything just took so long.
Ariel: Sooooo long!
Sasha: And I couldn't figure out why I was supposed to care about this Lucy chick Dracula had the hots for or this Jack guy who also had the hots for the Lucy chick. We had to see all those scenes with those two characters and didn't ever get to know them or understand them.
Ariel: Right? Lucy's like, "Boo hoo, I'm so pretty, everybody is always smiling at me," and Jack obviously thinks she's so pretty too, but what he tells people is, "She's just an ordinary girl," and besides liking Lucy Jack had squat for personality, and besides being pretty and going out clubbing, Lucy never did anything at all except let Dracula suck her blood.
Sasha: Did we ever even see what happened to Jack at the end?
Ariel: Did we? I don't think so. It was like, they got to the big throw-down between Doctor Nun Van Helsing and Dracula, and the Doctor Nun tells Jack, "Dude, your plot purpose is done here, scram." And that's the last we see of him.
Sasha: Which was fine by me, because I didn't really give two farts what happened to him, but I think that's not the reaction you're supposed to have for a major character in a final episode of a series.
Ariel: Ugh. I can't talk about it any more.
Sasha: Agreed. Do we want to talk about episode two?
Ariel: Not really. Dracula gets on a ship. Kills everybody on the ship except Nun Van Helsing, she blows up the ship, and his box sinks to the bottom of the ocean, only somehow it's nailed shut even though he was out of the box when she blew up the ship and the only one who might possibly have nailed it shut would have been her.
Sasha: Wow. When you put it like that, it doesn't sound any better than episode three.
Ariel: No it was a lot better, because at least Dracula killed plenty of people and you cared whether they lived or died because they were interesting to semi-interesting people.
Sasha: Good point.
Ariel: Also, Nun Van Helsing was still Nun Van Helsing instead of Doctor Nun Van Helsing, great great grand-niece of Nun Van Helsing.
Sasha: Nun Van Helsing was definitely way cooler.
Ariel: She was badass.
Sasha: Not quite as badass as in episode one, though.
Ariel: OMG, episode one. SO GOOD.
Sasha: Truth.
Ariel: What the heck happened? How do you go from that episode one to that episode three?
Sasha: I have no idea.
Ariel: Badass nun with a badass attitude doing a badass job interviewing this crazy Jonathan Harker dude who got crazified staying with Dracula, and then eventually Dracula shows up and she does a badass job staring him down too ... plus all those scenes in the super-creepy castle! I just about shit myself several times.
Sasha: It was pretty scary.
Ariel: But also cool and funny and Nun Van Helsing and Dracula were both such awesome characters ... and then, all downhill from there.
Sasha: Such a shame.
Ariel: Yeah. At the end of episode one I was all, "Holy moley, I hope there's more than one season of this because three episodes won't be nearly enough!" And then by the end of episode three, I was all, "Why didn't they stop after that one great episode?"
Sasha: Maybe they wrote the one great episode and the network said, "Guys, we love it, but you need to make it a series, not just a short movie."
Ariel: Maybe. It's a head scratcher.
Sasha: That's for sure. Well, are we ready to put a stake in this one?
Ariel: And how. R.I.P., Dracula.
Sasha: Please don't rise from the dead for another season!
Sasha: Possibly too much.
Ariel: Well ... at least one episode too much. Blech.
Sasha: Is that about the way the Dracula series ended up?
Ariel: Well, let's tell people to put their spoiler blankets over their heads before I answer that.
Sasha: Sure. Spoiler blankets, everybody.
Ariel: Yeah, we're gonna spoil the heck out of this one.
Sasha: We good to go then?
Ariel: Yes, but no. I mean, yes, I'm not worried about spoiling things for anybody now, but no, I was definitely not good with the ending of this series!
Sasha: Me either. But do we want to jump right into that or start at the start?
Ariel: Let's jump right into it and work our way back. That way we end up talking about the best part last and it doesn't leave as bad a taste in my mouth.
Sasha: I'm good with that plan. So ... episode three was called, "The Dark Compass."
Ariel: Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that. Which is probably good because I have no idea what it means.
Sasha: Well, a compass is supposed to help you find directions, right? Maybe it's supposed to mean whatever thing was pointing Dracula in the direction he was going.
Ariel: Or maybe it means the guys making the episode had no clue where they were going so they were like, "Can you see the compass?" and then, "No, it's dark. I can't see anything," and then, "Well that sucks. But man ... 'Dark Compass' is pretty cool sounding for a title, don't you think?"
Sasha: Makes as much sense as anything, I guess.
Ariel: More sense than this episode made!
Sasha: What did you like least about it?
Ariel: Where do I begin? How about stuff being all out of order? Instead of starting off where episode 2 left off, they jumped backwards in time to show us part of what happened between episode 1 and episode 2, after which they jumped forward in time to Dracula being in some house that is obviously after the end of episode 2 but not right after, even though episode 2 was pretty cliffhanger-y at the end, then they jumped back again to show us what happened between the end of episode 2 and Dracula being in the house, then more Dracula in the house until people come and catch him and then it jumps to some kid we never saw before not answering his phone because we don't know why and we also don't know why whoever is calling him is calling him. But he's getting ready to go somewhere only we don't know where or why, and then he gets a call from some girl we also don't know inviting him to go somewhere that night, but we don't know where or why about that either, and then suddenly he's there, and I'm like, wait, was he getting ready to go because he already knew he was going somewhere with her? Because Dracula got caught in the morning and then the kid was getting ready, so I assumed he was getting ready in the morning, but maybe he wasn't?
Sasha: Uh ... but how do you really feel?
Ariel: I mean, I know this was only my third Dracula story I ever saw, or my third part of the one Dracula story I ever saw. But I still can't help feeling, is it really supposed to be this confusing?
Sasha: No, I kinda felt that way too.
Ariel: And then the lighting crew like, broke all their light bulbs or something and only had purple ones left. Seriously half the episode took place with weird lavender glowy lighting. What the hell was that about?
Sasha: I totally could not say.
Ariel: Anyway, those were my least likable things about it. Did you have different ones?
Sasha: I'm going to say when Dracula figured out how to email his lawyer from inside the secret compound and then the lawyer came and said he'd sue them if they didn't let Dracula go, and the guys who captured Dracula pretty much shrugged and said okay.
Ariel: Literally W T F.
Sasha: I mean, even if Dracula's really smart, and even if the guys who captured him accidentally gave him internet access, and even if he figured out how to email his lawyers, how did he know where he was that the lawyer could come and find him?
Ariel: I know, right? And like, if I'm running a super-secret vampire-catching company, and someone comes to the door saying, "Hey, Dracula emailed me that you've got him in there," I'm pretty sure my first reaction would be like, "Haha, you're crazy, no I don't."
Sasha: It was like, this organization had been set up over a hundred years earlier to catch Dracula in case he ever came back, and they had a super-secret hideout built to hold him if they caught him, and then some guy comes along and says, "Yeah, I'm Dracula's lawyer, hand him over," and they're not smart enough to say, "Dracula who?"
Ariel: I think my mind blocked that part out, it was so dumb, or else I would have said it first when you asked me my least liked part.
Sasha: If only I could have blocked it out!
Ariel: If only. Well, if you could have, what would have been your second least liked thing?
Sasha: Everything just took so long.
Ariel: Sooooo long!
Sasha: And I couldn't figure out why I was supposed to care about this Lucy chick Dracula had the hots for or this Jack guy who also had the hots for the Lucy chick. We had to see all those scenes with those two characters and didn't ever get to know them or understand them.
Ariel: Right? Lucy's like, "Boo hoo, I'm so pretty, everybody is always smiling at me," and Jack obviously thinks she's so pretty too, but what he tells people is, "She's just an ordinary girl," and besides liking Lucy Jack had squat for personality, and besides being pretty and going out clubbing, Lucy never did anything at all except let Dracula suck her blood.
Sasha: Did we ever even see what happened to Jack at the end?
Ariel: Did we? I don't think so. It was like, they got to the big throw-down between Doctor Nun Van Helsing and Dracula, and the Doctor Nun tells Jack, "Dude, your plot purpose is done here, scram." And that's the last we see of him.
Sasha: Which was fine by me, because I didn't really give two farts what happened to him, but I think that's not the reaction you're supposed to have for a major character in a final episode of a series.
Ariel: Ugh. I can't talk about it any more.
Sasha: Agreed. Do we want to talk about episode two?
Ariel: Not really. Dracula gets on a ship. Kills everybody on the ship except Nun Van Helsing, she blows up the ship, and his box sinks to the bottom of the ocean, only somehow it's nailed shut even though he was out of the box when she blew up the ship and the only one who might possibly have nailed it shut would have been her.
Sasha: Wow. When you put it like that, it doesn't sound any better than episode three.
Ariel: No it was a lot better, because at least Dracula killed plenty of people and you cared whether they lived or died because they were interesting to semi-interesting people.
Sasha: Good point.
Ariel: Also, Nun Van Helsing was still Nun Van Helsing instead of Doctor Nun Van Helsing, great great grand-niece of Nun Van Helsing.
Sasha: Nun Van Helsing was definitely way cooler.
Ariel: She was badass.
Sasha: Not quite as badass as in episode one, though.
Ariel: OMG, episode one. SO GOOD.
Sasha: Truth.
Ariel: What the heck happened? How do you go from that episode one to that episode three?
Sasha: I have no idea.
Ariel: Badass nun with a badass attitude doing a badass job interviewing this crazy Jonathan Harker dude who got crazified staying with Dracula, and then eventually Dracula shows up and she does a badass job staring him down too ... plus all those scenes in the super-creepy castle! I just about shit myself several times.
Sasha: It was pretty scary.
Ariel: But also cool and funny and Nun Van Helsing and Dracula were both such awesome characters ... and then, all downhill from there.
Sasha: Such a shame.
Ariel: Yeah. At the end of episode one I was all, "Holy moley, I hope there's more than one season of this because three episodes won't be nearly enough!" And then by the end of episode three, I was all, "Why didn't they stop after that one great episode?"
Sasha: Maybe they wrote the one great episode and the network said, "Guys, we love it, but you need to make it a series, not just a short movie."
Ariel: Maybe. It's a head scratcher.
Sasha: That's for sure. Well, are we ready to put a stake in this one?
Ariel: And how. R.I.P., Dracula.
Sasha: Please don't rise from the dead for another season!
Saturday, January 18, 2020
Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Please Please Me!
Sasha: So, The Beatles.
Ariel: Best band ever?
Sasha: I think our opinion has been shaken.
Ariel: Shaken up, Baby?
Sasha: I just said so, didn't ... oh, I get it. But you agree, right?
Ariel: Well, you'll be surprised by this -- I did some research since we listened to the album this morning.
Sasha: What? You, research?
Ariel: I know! But I was just so shocked that The Beatles, who are the best band ever, would have such a bad first album! I had to see if the Internet knew what went wrong.
Sasha: It was definitely a stumper for me. But I just assumed, you know, everybody's got to start somewhere, and they obviously got better.
Ariel: Here's the thing, though, how long do you think it took them to make that album?
Sasha: I dunno. Maybe over a weekend when they were distracted by relatives coming to visit?
Ariel: Ten hours.
Sasha: Get out.
Ariel: No, I'm serious! They released two singles that went really big, so the record company said, "You've gotta do an album, and fast," and they were like, "Sure. How fast is fast? Never mind, we're done."
Sasha: Wow. That's crazy. No wonder there are all those junky songs on it.
Ariel: Yeah, like, almost half the album they didn't write at all.
Sasha: I guess that explains why they sounded like grandma songs.
Ariel: No offense to grandmas.
Sasha: Yeah, no offense.
Ariel: We definitely apologize to all the grandmas who read our blog.
Sasha: I'm thinking there probably aren't all that many.
Ariel: You never know!
Sasha: So now that we're relieved they didn't write the grandma songs themselves what do we think about this album?
Ariel: I'm thinking it will make an awesome playlist with most of those other songs cut out.
Sasha: Sure, but we can't just cut them out of talking about our experience, can we?
Ariel: I guess not.
Sasha: Why don't we just go song by song from the top?
Ariel: Okay! I'll do two songs, then you can do three songs, then I'll do four songs, and then we can just do every other song until the end.
Sasha: I'm really suspicious at the way you were looking so carefully at the liner notes while you said all that. Did you just give me all the grandma songs?
Ariel: Maybe.
Sasha: How about if we just each do every other song instead.
Ariel: Well ...
Sasha: You're looking at the liner notes again!
Ariel: Yes, but only so I can be fair since you're being such a party pooper! If we do every other song, the person who goes first gets "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Please Please Me" and only has to do two grandma songs, and the person who goes second only gets a couple of the good songs but four grandma songs. So the every other one method still screws somebody.
Sasha: Well, since you're trying so hard to be fair, I guess I don't mind being the one who gets screwed.
Ariel: Haha, that's what she --
Sasha: If you finish that joke, I'm taking it back!
Ariel: Okay, sorry.
Sasha: So let's get started. I'm sure all the grandmas who read our blog are dead by now, we took so long deciding how to do this.
Ariel: I'm sorry, grandmas. Me first then, right?
Sasha: Right.
Ariel: First song! "I Saw Her Standing There" -- WOW! Okay, your turn.
Sasha: That's all you're saying?
Ariel: I'm pretty tired from doing my research.
Sasha: Look, I feel like I made a pretty big sacrifice letting you get all the best songs. The least you can do is say more than "wow" about them.
Ariel: I did! I said "WOW!" not "wow".
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sheesh. All right then. Uh ... "I Saw Her Standing There" is ... tied for longest song on the album, even though it's only two minutes and 55 seconds long.
Sasha: More with the liner notes?
Ariel: Why are you so pushy tonight? Fine. I love this song. I'm a little confused when he says, "She was just seventeen if you know what I mean," because it seems pretty obvious people should know what he means when he says she's just seventeen. Maybe it meant something else in 1963? Or maybe he was in a club where the minimum age was 18, so he means she was a naughty lawbreaker girl? I dunno. But aside from starting off by confusing me, it's a great song.
Sasha: That's better. My first song is "Misery." It's a weirdly bouncy song for being about a guy who's in misery, but I think that's a good thing, because even though it's one of the songs the band wrote, it's a little grandma-ish. If it was actually slow and miserable, I don't know if I'd like it much.
Ariel: My next song starts with a pretty good guitar bit, but it goes downhill from there.
Sasha: I'll say! Like a grandma on skis.
Ariel: Parts of it are okay, but the way they sing "Anna" in the refrain ... whoosh, ick. "UhAaaa-aann-uh" -- I mean, there are not that many syllables in the name "Anna."
Sasha: Plus, the way the guy in the song is like, "Sure, I'll let you go be with some other guy, but you've got to give back your ring for me to set you free..." Yeesh!
Ariel: I guess that's 1963 for you.
Sasha: Creepy. And my next song is not much better ... "Chains."
Ariel: I do like that George sings it.
Sasha: Does he? I couldn't really tell. He sounds an awful lot like John. Which is weird, because they sound so different on the later albums. You're sure?
Ariel: It's right here in the liner notes.
Sasha: You and your liner notes! Anyhow, the grandma songs seem pretty un-romantic to me so far, with the dude demanding the ring back, and the next dude complaining about chains of love.
Ariel: The next one's better. "Boys." And you can definitely tell who sings this one.
Sasha: The drummer, for sure.
Ariel: It's catchy, but it doesn't make a lot of sense. He says his girl tells him she gets a thrill from his kiss, then he says "Talkin' about boys," maybe 20 times, then, "She says ya do." What? Is he talking about his girl? Or is he talking about boys? Or is she talking about someone? It's sort of like they took a song that a girl was supposed to sing and changed the words, but only changed half of them and left the rest.
Sasha: I guess you do that when you only have 10 hours to record an album.
Ariel: Yeah. Well, next song.
Sasha: (sigh) It's called "Ask Me Why." Annnnd it's another actual The Beatles song that is close to sounding like a grandma song.
Ariel: I really appreciate you volunteering to go every other song.
Sasha: Sooo many "ooo-wooo-wooo's" in this song.
Ariel: Don't forget the "ay-yai-yai-yai's" whenever they sing "Ask me why."
Sasha: I'm asking myself why I agreed to the every-other-song method.
Ariel: Do you want to switch and take the next song, then?
Sasha: No. No, you go ahead.
Ariel: Wow, you really love me! The next one is the title song, "Please Please Me!" According to the liner notes, it was their first really big hit in England, and boy, can you tell why!
Sasha: That's for sure. It is WAY different from all the grandma music on this album.
Ariel: You know what the difference is?"
Sasha: I mean ... there's lots of differences. Which one do you mean?
Ariel: They sound so EXCITED.
Sasha: Hmm! That's a really good point.
Ariel: Like, even on the "Boys" song where it's pretty peppy and about people getting kissed and getting thrills to their fingertips, there are still all these "bop-shooo-wop, ba-bop-bop-shoo-wop's" that kind of clue you in that they're like, "Yeah, we know this song's not really about anything, we'll just fill it in with nonsense sounds here."
Sasha: You're right. On "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Please Please Me," they sound like they're really singing about real things that they actually care about.
Ariel: Plus, rockin' music.
Sasha: No doubt, this song way rocks over all the grandma stuff.
Ariel: Amen.
Sasha: Okay, my turn to do a good song, finally! "Love Me Do." It's not as rocking as "Please Please Me," but man does it start off with some good harmonica!
Ariel: Liner notes say this one was their first song that made the charts, it just didn't get as far up as "Please Please Me."
Sasha: I don't know why it's so much more interesting than the oldies around it. I mean, it's barely got any lyrics at all. Like, four short sentences, and then some words that aren't even a complete sentence ... I guess it's just that thing again where it sounds like they really mean it.
Ariel: Yeah. Like, all their songs are written to be sincere on this album. In "Anna," the dude is all about how he's going to do what she wants because she loves this other guy, and then he's like, "But you'd better give me back that ring!"
Sasha: And "Chains" is like, dude, are you happy you're in love, or not? It's weird.
Ariel: Right. And I don't even understand "Boys."
Sasha: How about the next one. Did you think it was sincere too?
Ariel: Totally. "P.S., I Love You." It's so sincere, I just did more research.
Sasha: Did you now.
Ariel: Yes, I looked in a thesaurus and found an even better word. "Earnest."
Sasha: Okay, that research totally paid off. I like that word for them.
Ariel: Me too.
Sasha: Not for my next song, though. "Baby, It's You." More grandma stuff full of "sha-la-la-la-laaa's" and creepy lyrics. Like the guy in the song going on and on about how much he loves the girl, but then saying everybody is going around calling her a cheat. But then he says he doesn't care about that, "sha-la-la," and it just makes me think, "Then why did you say it, dude?"
Ariel: You're really getting the short end of the stick with this every-other-song thing. How about if you take this next song to make up for it.
Sasha: "Do You Want To Know A Secret?"
Ariel: Yes! It's another one that George sings where he sounds a lot like John.
Sasha: He kind of does ...
Ariel: Especially in the refrain when he gets screamy on the "I'm in love with you!" bit. George is not normally a screamer. That's way more John's thing.
Sasha: I thought you said I was going to take this one?
Ariel: Oops. Sorry. I'll shut up. Why don't you skip the next grandma song, "A Taste of Honey," and then you can do both the last two songs.
Sasha: "A Taste of Honey" is the worst. More of a grandpa song than a grandma song, though. I'm totally okay skipping it.
Ariel: Great. Do "There's a Place."
Sasha: I really like this one! Thank you, Aers.
Ariel: What's so good about it?
Sasha: Well, supposedly the early The Beatles songs are all just lovey-dovey love songs about girls and stuff, and this one kind of is, but it's also got ... contemplation in it. The grandma songs are all super shallow ... "Your lips are sweet," "Yeah, yeah, boys," "Cheat, cheat, cheat," blah, blah, blah. But in this one, he's singing about how there's a place he can go whenever he's sad, and it's in his own head, he just thinks of his girlfriend and things she does and says. I mean, it's still all about a girl, but he's actually thinking about her, not just singing how much he love, love, loves her or is obsessed with her.
Ariel: You're really good at this song analysis stuff!
Sasha: Thank you!
Ariel: Only one song left, the last grandma song. Do you want to do it?
Sasha: Yes! Because it's the best of the grandma songs, "Twist and Shout!" It doesn't have the same kind of The Beatles musically interesting quality to it or interesting lyrics, really, but boy does John scream the heck out of it.
Ariel: It's definitely the screamingest song on the album.
Sasha: So much screaming.
Ariel: The liner notes said they recorded it last because he had a bad cold and the producer thought if they recorded it first, his voice would be shot for the day.
Sasha: Wait, they recorded this whole album in ten hours and John had a cold the whole time and he still screamed that good on the last song?
Ariel: Apparently!
Sasha: Okay, I can definitely forgive it for being not the greatest album ever, then.
Ariel: Me too.
Sasha: Whew, this was a long one! Congratulations to us for hanging in there.
Ariel: You said it. I'm beat!
Sasha: Let's hit the sack, then.
Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight, everybody!
Ariel: Best band ever?
Sasha: I think our opinion has been shaken.
Ariel: Shaken up, Baby?
Sasha: I just said so, didn't ... oh, I get it. But you agree, right?
Ariel: Well, you'll be surprised by this -- I did some research since we listened to the album this morning.
Sasha: What? You, research?
Ariel: I know! But I was just so shocked that The Beatles, who are the best band ever, would have such a bad first album! I had to see if the Internet knew what went wrong.
Sasha: It was definitely a stumper for me. But I just assumed, you know, everybody's got to start somewhere, and they obviously got better.
Ariel: Here's the thing, though, how long do you think it took them to make that album?
Sasha: I dunno. Maybe over a weekend when they were distracted by relatives coming to visit?
Ariel: Ten hours.
Sasha: Get out.
Ariel: No, I'm serious! They released two singles that went really big, so the record company said, "You've gotta do an album, and fast," and they were like, "Sure. How fast is fast? Never mind, we're done."
Sasha: Wow. That's crazy. No wonder there are all those junky songs on it.
Ariel: Yeah, like, almost half the album they didn't write at all.
Sasha: I guess that explains why they sounded like grandma songs.
Ariel: No offense to grandmas.
Sasha: Yeah, no offense.
Ariel: We definitely apologize to all the grandmas who read our blog.
Sasha: I'm thinking there probably aren't all that many.
Ariel: You never know!
Sasha: So now that we're relieved they didn't write the grandma songs themselves what do we think about this album?
Ariel: I'm thinking it will make an awesome playlist with most of those other songs cut out.
Sasha: Sure, but we can't just cut them out of talking about our experience, can we?
Ariel: I guess not.
Sasha: Why don't we just go song by song from the top?
Ariel: Okay! I'll do two songs, then you can do three songs, then I'll do four songs, and then we can just do every other song until the end.
Sasha: I'm really suspicious at the way you were looking so carefully at the liner notes while you said all that. Did you just give me all the grandma songs?
Ariel: Maybe.
Sasha: How about if we just each do every other song instead.
Ariel: Well ...
Sasha: You're looking at the liner notes again!
Ariel: Yes, but only so I can be fair since you're being such a party pooper! If we do every other song, the person who goes first gets "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Please Please Me" and only has to do two grandma songs, and the person who goes second only gets a couple of the good songs but four grandma songs. So the every other one method still screws somebody.
Sasha: Well, since you're trying so hard to be fair, I guess I don't mind being the one who gets screwed.
Ariel: Haha, that's what she --
Sasha: If you finish that joke, I'm taking it back!
Ariel: Okay, sorry.
Sasha: So let's get started. I'm sure all the grandmas who read our blog are dead by now, we took so long deciding how to do this.
Ariel: I'm sorry, grandmas. Me first then, right?
Sasha: Right.
Ariel: First song! "I Saw Her Standing There" -- WOW! Okay, your turn.
Sasha: That's all you're saying?
Ariel: I'm pretty tired from doing my research.
Sasha: Look, I feel like I made a pretty big sacrifice letting you get all the best songs. The least you can do is say more than "wow" about them.
Ariel: I did! I said "WOW!" not "wow".
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sheesh. All right then. Uh ... "I Saw Her Standing There" is ... tied for longest song on the album, even though it's only two minutes and 55 seconds long.
Sasha: More with the liner notes?
Ariel: Why are you so pushy tonight? Fine. I love this song. I'm a little confused when he says, "She was just seventeen if you know what I mean," because it seems pretty obvious people should know what he means when he says she's just seventeen. Maybe it meant something else in 1963? Or maybe he was in a club where the minimum age was 18, so he means she was a naughty lawbreaker girl? I dunno. But aside from starting off by confusing me, it's a great song.
Sasha: That's better. My first song is "Misery." It's a weirdly bouncy song for being about a guy who's in misery, but I think that's a good thing, because even though it's one of the songs the band wrote, it's a little grandma-ish. If it was actually slow and miserable, I don't know if I'd like it much.
Ariel: My next song starts with a pretty good guitar bit, but it goes downhill from there.
Sasha: I'll say! Like a grandma on skis.
Ariel: Parts of it are okay, but the way they sing "Anna" in the refrain ... whoosh, ick. "UhAaaa-aann-uh" -- I mean, there are not that many syllables in the name "Anna."
Sasha: Plus, the way the guy in the song is like, "Sure, I'll let you go be with some other guy, but you've got to give back your ring for me to set you free..." Yeesh!
Ariel: I guess that's 1963 for you.
Sasha: Creepy. And my next song is not much better ... "Chains."
Ariel: I do like that George sings it.
Sasha: Does he? I couldn't really tell. He sounds an awful lot like John. Which is weird, because they sound so different on the later albums. You're sure?
Ariel: It's right here in the liner notes.
Sasha: You and your liner notes! Anyhow, the grandma songs seem pretty un-romantic to me so far, with the dude demanding the ring back, and the next dude complaining about chains of love.
Ariel: The next one's better. "Boys." And you can definitely tell who sings this one.
Sasha: The drummer, for sure.
Ariel: It's catchy, but it doesn't make a lot of sense. He says his girl tells him she gets a thrill from his kiss, then he says "Talkin' about boys," maybe 20 times, then, "She says ya do." What? Is he talking about his girl? Or is he talking about boys? Or is she talking about someone? It's sort of like they took a song that a girl was supposed to sing and changed the words, but only changed half of them and left the rest.
Sasha: I guess you do that when you only have 10 hours to record an album.
Ariel: Yeah. Well, next song.
Sasha: (sigh) It's called "Ask Me Why." Annnnd it's another actual The Beatles song that is close to sounding like a grandma song.
Ariel: I really appreciate you volunteering to go every other song.
Sasha: Sooo many "ooo-wooo-wooo's" in this song.
Ariel: Don't forget the "ay-yai-yai-yai's" whenever they sing "Ask me why."
Sasha: I'm asking myself why I agreed to the every-other-song method.
Ariel: Do you want to switch and take the next song, then?
Sasha: No. No, you go ahead.
Ariel: Wow, you really love me! The next one is the title song, "Please Please Me!" According to the liner notes, it was their first really big hit in England, and boy, can you tell why!
Sasha: That's for sure. It is WAY different from all the grandma music on this album.
Ariel: You know what the difference is?"
Sasha: I mean ... there's lots of differences. Which one do you mean?
Ariel: They sound so EXCITED.
Sasha: Hmm! That's a really good point.
Ariel: Like, even on the "Boys" song where it's pretty peppy and about people getting kissed and getting thrills to their fingertips, there are still all these "bop-shooo-wop, ba-bop-bop-shoo-wop's" that kind of clue you in that they're like, "Yeah, we know this song's not really about anything, we'll just fill it in with nonsense sounds here."
Sasha: You're right. On "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Please Please Me," they sound like they're really singing about real things that they actually care about.
Ariel: Plus, rockin' music.
Sasha: No doubt, this song way rocks over all the grandma stuff.
Ariel: Amen.
Sasha: Okay, my turn to do a good song, finally! "Love Me Do." It's not as rocking as "Please Please Me," but man does it start off with some good harmonica!
Ariel: Liner notes say this one was their first song that made the charts, it just didn't get as far up as "Please Please Me."
Sasha: I don't know why it's so much more interesting than the oldies around it. I mean, it's barely got any lyrics at all. Like, four short sentences, and then some words that aren't even a complete sentence ... I guess it's just that thing again where it sounds like they really mean it.
Ariel: Yeah. Like, all their songs are written to be sincere on this album. In "Anna," the dude is all about how he's going to do what she wants because she loves this other guy, and then he's like, "But you'd better give me back that ring!"
Sasha: And "Chains" is like, dude, are you happy you're in love, or not? It's weird.
Ariel: Right. And I don't even understand "Boys."
Sasha: How about the next one. Did you think it was sincere too?
Ariel: Totally. "P.S., I Love You." It's so sincere, I just did more research.
Sasha: Did you now.
Ariel: Yes, I looked in a thesaurus and found an even better word. "Earnest."
Sasha: Okay, that research totally paid off. I like that word for them.
Ariel: Me too.
Sasha: Not for my next song, though. "Baby, It's You." More grandma stuff full of "sha-la-la-la-laaa's" and creepy lyrics. Like the guy in the song going on and on about how much he loves the girl, but then saying everybody is going around calling her a cheat. But then he says he doesn't care about that, "sha-la-la," and it just makes me think, "Then why did you say it, dude?"
Ariel: You're really getting the short end of the stick with this every-other-song thing. How about if you take this next song to make up for it.
Sasha: "Do You Want To Know A Secret?"
Ariel: Yes! It's another one that George sings where he sounds a lot like John.
Sasha: He kind of does ...
Ariel: Especially in the refrain when he gets screamy on the "I'm in love with you!" bit. George is not normally a screamer. That's way more John's thing.
Sasha: I thought you said I was going to take this one?
Ariel: Oops. Sorry. I'll shut up. Why don't you skip the next grandma song, "A Taste of Honey," and then you can do both the last two songs.
Sasha: "A Taste of Honey" is the worst. More of a grandpa song than a grandma song, though. I'm totally okay skipping it.
Ariel: Great. Do "There's a Place."
Sasha: I really like this one! Thank you, Aers.
Ariel: What's so good about it?
Sasha: Well, supposedly the early The Beatles songs are all just lovey-dovey love songs about girls and stuff, and this one kind of is, but it's also got ... contemplation in it. The grandma songs are all super shallow ... "Your lips are sweet," "Yeah, yeah, boys," "Cheat, cheat, cheat," blah, blah, blah. But in this one, he's singing about how there's a place he can go whenever he's sad, and it's in his own head, he just thinks of his girlfriend and things she does and says. I mean, it's still all about a girl, but he's actually thinking about her, not just singing how much he love, love, loves her or is obsessed with her.
Ariel: You're really good at this song analysis stuff!
Sasha: Thank you!
Ariel: Only one song left, the last grandma song. Do you want to do it?
Sasha: Yes! Because it's the best of the grandma songs, "Twist and Shout!" It doesn't have the same kind of The Beatles musically interesting quality to it or interesting lyrics, really, but boy does John scream the heck out of it.
Ariel: It's definitely the screamingest song on the album.
Sasha: So much screaming.
Ariel: The liner notes said they recorded it last because he had a bad cold and the producer thought if they recorded it first, his voice would be shot for the day.
Sasha: Wait, they recorded this whole album in ten hours and John had a cold the whole time and he still screamed that good on the last song?
Ariel: Apparently!
Sasha: Okay, I can definitely forgive it for being not the greatest album ever, then.
Ariel: Me too.
Sasha: Whew, this was a long one! Congratulations to us for hanging in there.
Ariel: You said it. I'm beat!
Sasha: Let's hit the sack, then.
Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight, everybody!
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Another Finishing Another Star Wars Trilogy!
Ariel: The very best of the best finishes of these trilogies ever!
Sasha: I'm definitely not arguing with that.
Ariel: Wuh-uh-OW!
Sasha: People should pull their spoiler blankets over their heads because there's no way we can talk about this without spoiling tons of stuff.
Ariel: Get two blankets.
Sasha: Well, that may be going a little overb-
Ariel: A big fluffy comforter too!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: And a duvet cover. With a duvet in it.
Sasha: So --
Ariel: Plus some quilts!
Sasha: Are you done yet?
Ariel: We could do this all night!
Sasha: Not so sure about that ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm just very excited about this movie!
Sasha: Well, me too, but I don't expect people to empty out Bed, Bath and Beyond putting blankets over themselves to avoid spoilers!
Ariel: You should have spelled it Bed, Bath, and 8eyond.
Sasha: Groan.
Ariel: I just want to make sure we don't spoil anything for anybody because there's soooo much great stuff in this movie.
Sasha: Okay, that I'll agree with. Also, people who'd like to start at the start of our Star Wars experiences can look at the link box over on the right of the page! Now what should we talk about first?
Ariel: I think we need to figure out what to call it? Episode Icks?
Sasha: That sounds like, "Ick, we don't like it."
Ariel: Um ... Episode I Before X Except After Sex?
Sasha: I was with you up until the "sex" part ...
Ariel: That's what she said! No, wait, I don't know anybody who ever said that.
Sasha: It's just not very Star Warsy. I mean, I don't remember any sex in any of the eleven movies or eight episodes of The Mandalorian we've watched.
Ariel: The green tentacle-head girl did flash her boob in Episode VI - Everybody Gets A Little Stupid.
Sasha: I don't know if a one-bazillionth-of-a-second boob flash counts as sex. That's really a stretch.
Ariel: I Before X Except After Stretch?
Sasha: Now you're just being silly.
Ariel: I Before X Except After Dex. Like Dexter Jettster.
Sasha: Who?
Ariel: Sexy Jesus's friend. You know, Butt-Scratching Diner-Lizard.
Sasha: Oh, right. Kind of obscure, and also I just realized that's an awfully long nickname for the episode. I'm not saying that every time.
Ariel: "Episode Fine."
Sasha: Well ...
Ariel: Oh, come on! What's wrong with that one?
Sasha: It's ambiguous -- like, some people might think of fine like fine wine, others might think we mean, "How was it? Eh, it was fine."
Ariel: Episode Niiiice, then.
Sasha: That one.
Ariel: Whew!
Sasha: So what did you think was so great about it? General stuff first?
Ariel: I have an urgent message for General Stuff!
Sasha: Haha, no, really.
Ariel: It was. So. Emotional. I cried so much in this movie!
Sasha: I could hear you sniffling the whole last half.
Ariel: I couldn't help it! And you're not pretending you didn't cry too, are you?
Sasha: No, I definitely did at things like when Cinnabon-Hair Girl sacrifices herself to reach her son, and then when he sacrifices himself later for Sunshine Rey. You know ... the parts where you were out-and-out blubbering.
Ariel: I didn't blubber! Did I?
Sasha: Well, I kind of felt like the whole theater was staring at us when Shiny Butler-Bot was about to get brain-wiped and said goodbye to his friends.
Ariel: Was I really crying that loud?
Sasha: No, I think it was more the way you said, "Please dear god does anybody have any tissues?!?"
Ariel: I did not say that!
Sasha: Well, you might as well have. The theater guys had to get a "wet floor" sign to put in front of your seat after the movie was done.
Ariel: Someone behind me spilled a drink!
Sasha: Aers, we were in the back row.
Ariel: Whatever.
Sasha: Maybe instead of pouting let's get back to the movie? You were just talking about Shiny Butler-Bot.
Ariel: OMG, he was so funny in this one! It scared me so much that he was getting his memory erased and then it turned out he was totally himself just with amnesia! Hil-larious!
Sasha: I loved every second he was on the screen. Not enough Rolling Bleepster, though.
Ariel: Well, you can't have everything. And there were three whole movies where Shiny Butler-Bot was kinda lame and Rolling Bleepster kicked patootie, so maybe this is just evening things out.
Sasha: True. What did you think about Han Ghosto?
Ariel: I can't talk about it. Where are those tissues?
Sasha: I thought his scene was Hannntastic.
Ariel: Boo! Now you're really trying to make me cry.
Sasha: But seriously, it made the scene on the bridge from two movies ago about ten times better, and that scene was already good. Plus, after all the times in the older movies where they said, "I love you," and then "I know," it was sooo perfect when they ended that scene with him saying, "I know" to his son.
Ariel: (blubbering)
Sasha: Okay, here's a hankie!
Ariel: (Louder Blubbering)
Sasha: What now?
Ariel: You said Han-kie!
Sasha: *sigh*
Ariel: Just give me a minute.
Sasha: This is getting out of hand.
Ariel: WAAAAH!!!
Sasha: (facepalm)
Ariel: (blubbering)
Sasha: I'll wait.
Ariel: (sniffles)
Sasha: Can we go on now?
Ariel: Only if you talk about a happy part.
Sasha: What did you think about the new characters?
Ariel: Now that was just weird. It's the last movie in a nine-movie series, what are they doing introducing all these new characters? Like three new characters at least.
Sasha: More than that. There was the chick with the head like an old-timey car fender.
Ariel: And Shiny Butler-Bot's oldest friend Babu Frik.
Sasha: The dude who was weirdly into that whole Holdo Maneuver thing.
Ariel: Stormtrooper lady. Was that all?
Sasha: I think for good guys. But there was that new General dude on the bad-guy side.
Ariel: Honestly, I don't know why either Kamikazi Fanboy or Stormtrooper Lady couldn't have been stuff for Rose to do. Or why General Rando Whymaihere wasn't Captain Chrome-chick from the last two movies
Sasha: Ooh, that would have been good. Captain Chrome-chick gets promoted over General Sux which pisses him off even more than he already was, so that's part of why he's the spy, and then when he gets offed, it's by a character we know and care about instead of Random Dude Selected to Kill a Major Bad Guy. As far as the other stuff ... I'm not a big Rose fan, so I'm like, eh, whatever. I mean, she's very nice and all. I just don't click with her.
Ariel: She was so important in the last movie, though!
Sasha: True. But in Episode II, Better Bad Guy and Better Bad Guy's Boss were really big deals, and then in Episode Ai-Yai-Yai, Better Bad Guy wasn't even there, and Better Bad Guy's Boss got de-headed in the first five minutes. So it's not like some rule that characters from second movies need to be a big deal in third movies.
Ariel: Well, it would have been kind of hard for Better Bad Guy to be there since he got de-headed himself in the second movie.
Sasha: I guess ... if these movies weren't pretty jam-packed with dead folks showing back up.
Ariel: Only the Force-powered ones, not shiny-suited mercenaries like Better Bad Guy.
Sasha: Um, there were literally millions of that dude. They couldn't have put one in his cool suit?
Ariel: I think his kid kept it and painted it green. Are we still talking about the same movie, though?
Sasha: Kind of not. We should get back on track.
Ariel: More cooool long-distance face-offs between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo, who is back to wearing his helmet a lot in this one.
Sasha: Those two. Wow. You pretty much can't go wrong putting them on the screen together, can you?
Ariel: Not that I've noticed!
Sasha: And all that stuff between them at the end ...
Ariel: Let's not go there. My sob-rag is already soaked.
Sasha: How about Big Space Politician AKA the Emperor AKA Zombie Palpatine?
Ariel: Zombietine. Or the Undeadperor. So creepy! I have to say the actor is super versatile too.
Sasha: How so?
Ariel: Well, he can play a nice space politician, or an evil space politician, or an evil space-wizard politician, or an evil space-wizard politician with a messed-up face, or a zombie evil space-wizard politician, all equally well!
Sasha: I liked the fact that in all three third movies, he was an evil space-wizard politician.
Ariel: Nice point! I don't know if I liked Sunshine Rey being his granddaughter, though.
Sasha: I did! It took the message of, doesn't matter if you're from nowhere and added to it to say it doesn't even matter if you're from somewhere that ought to make you bad. You can still be a hero as long as you decide to do the right thing.
Ariel: I was more thinking, who was dating Mister Melty-Face that ended up having his kid? I mean, there must have been a whole lot of swiping left on his profile before someone finally swiped right.
Sasha: I'm sure he used his picture from before Bald Toughie melted his face.
Ariel: Oh, that's right. He's evil, so that's exactly the kind of thing he'd do.
Sasha: Were you glad to see Oldo Lando come back?
Ariel: You mean Really Oldo Lando! Sure, although I still like the actor from Solo better than this guy. Also, since he came back, I was really hoping he'd find a way to fix Elle 3 and get her out of the spaceship computer, but no such luck.
Sasha: That would've been kind of a lot to cram in.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Speaking of a lot to cram in ... how much more do we have that we want to say about this one?
Ariel: Well ... it's getting pretty late and we've covered a lot already. Maybe just that this was a really good ending to the whole nine movies. We got to say goodbye to all three main characters from the middle trilogy (sniff), and we got to hear the voices of lots of Jedi from the first trilogy, and it was exciting and funny and I laughed a lot and cried a lot, and it was just plain all-around wonderful.
Sasha: I also liked how when Ghost Teen Hottie was talking at the end, he was still all about himself, like, "Hey, Rey, rise up and be awesome, like me!"
Ariel: So true ...
Sasha: Do you think they're going to make any more of these movies? I mean, they've said they're not making any more Skywalker Saga ones, but I sure would hate to never see Sunshine Rey again.
Ariel: Maybe she'll get a Disney Plus show.
Sasha: Well if it's as good as the Mandalorian, that would be fantastic.
Ariel: Oh boy. The Mandalorian ... are we going to write more about that one now that the season is over?
Sasha: Not tonight!
Ariel: Definitely not. Okay, then, everybody out there can dig their way out from under that giant pile of blankets and stuff now.
Sasha: Um, pretty sure if they put on their spoiler bedding megastore, they're not reading anymore to know they can take it off.
Ariel: Yikes! I hope I didn't suffocate any of them!
Sasha: I'm sure they're fine.
Ariel: So it did end up being Episode Fine!
Sasha: Sure, let's go with that.
Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight everybody, and may the Force be with you!
Sasha: I'm definitely not arguing with that.
Ariel: Wuh-uh-OW!
Sasha: People should pull their spoiler blankets over their heads because there's no way we can talk about this without spoiling tons of stuff.
Ariel: Get two blankets.
Sasha: Well, that may be going a little overb-
Ariel: A big fluffy comforter too!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: And a duvet cover. With a duvet in it.
Sasha: So --
Ariel: Plus some quilts!
Sasha: Are you done yet?
Ariel: We could do this all night!
Sasha: Not so sure about that ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm just very excited about this movie!
Sasha: Well, me too, but I don't expect people to empty out Bed, Bath and Beyond putting blankets over themselves to avoid spoilers!
Ariel: You should have spelled it Bed, Bath, and 8eyond.
Sasha: Groan.
Ariel: I just want to make sure we don't spoil anything for anybody because there's soooo much great stuff in this movie.
Sasha: Okay, that I'll agree with. Also, people who'd like to start at the start of our Star Wars experiences can look at the link box over on the right of the page! Now what should we talk about first?
Ariel: I think we need to figure out what to call it? Episode Icks?
Sasha: That sounds like, "Ick, we don't like it."
Ariel: Um ... Episode I Before X Except After Sex?
Sasha: I was with you up until the "sex" part ...
Ariel: That's what she said! No, wait, I don't know anybody who ever said that.
Sasha: It's just not very Star Warsy. I mean, I don't remember any sex in any of the eleven movies or eight episodes of The Mandalorian we've watched.
Ariel: The green tentacle-head girl did flash her boob in Episode VI - Everybody Gets A Little Stupid.
Sasha: I don't know if a one-bazillionth-of-a-second boob flash counts as sex. That's really a stretch.
Ariel: I Before X Except After Stretch?
Sasha: Now you're just being silly.
Ariel: I Before X Except After Dex. Like Dexter Jettster.
Sasha: Who?
Ariel: Sexy Jesus's friend. You know, Butt-Scratching Diner-Lizard.
Sasha: Oh, right. Kind of obscure, and also I just realized that's an awfully long nickname for the episode. I'm not saying that every time.
Ariel: "Episode Fine."
Sasha: Well ...
Ariel: Oh, come on! What's wrong with that one?
Sasha: It's ambiguous -- like, some people might think of fine like fine wine, others might think we mean, "How was it? Eh, it was fine."
Ariel: Episode Niiiice, then.
Sasha: That one.
Ariel: Whew!
Sasha: So what did you think was so great about it? General stuff first?
Ariel: I have an urgent message for General Stuff!
Sasha: Haha, no, really.
Ariel: It was. So. Emotional. I cried so much in this movie!
Sasha: I could hear you sniffling the whole last half.
Ariel: I couldn't help it! And you're not pretending you didn't cry too, are you?
Sasha: No, I definitely did at things like when Cinnabon-Hair Girl sacrifices herself to reach her son, and then when he sacrifices himself later for Sunshine Rey. You know ... the parts where you were out-and-out blubbering.
Ariel: I didn't blubber! Did I?
Sasha: Well, I kind of felt like the whole theater was staring at us when Shiny Butler-Bot was about to get brain-wiped and said goodbye to his friends.
Ariel: Was I really crying that loud?
Sasha: No, I think it was more the way you said, "Please dear god does anybody have any tissues?!?"
Ariel: I did not say that!
Sasha: Well, you might as well have. The theater guys had to get a "wet floor" sign to put in front of your seat after the movie was done.
Ariel: Someone behind me spilled a drink!
Sasha: Aers, we were in the back row.
Ariel: Whatever.
Sasha: Maybe instead of pouting let's get back to the movie? You were just talking about Shiny Butler-Bot.
Ariel: OMG, he was so funny in this one! It scared me so much that he was getting his memory erased and then it turned out he was totally himself just with amnesia! Hil-larious!
Sasha: I loved every second he was on the screen. Not enough Rolling Bleepster, though.
Ariel: Well, you can't have everything. And there were three whole movies where Shiny Butler-Bot was kinda lame and Rolling Bleepster kicked patootie, so maybe this is just evening things out.
Sasha: True. What did you think about Han Ghosto?
Ariel: I can't talk about it. Where are those tissues?
Sasha: I thought his scene was Hannntastic.
Ariel: Boo! Now you're really trying to make me cry.
Sasha: But seriously, it made the scene on the bridge from two movies ago about ten times better, and that scene was already good. Plus, after all the times in the older movies where they said, "I love you," and then "I know," it was sooo perfect when they ended that scene with him saying, "I know" to his son.
Ariel: (blubbering)
Sasha: Okay, here's a hankie!
Ariel: (Louder Blubbering)
Sasha: What now?
Ariel: You said Han-kie!
Sasha: *sigh*
Ariel: Just give me a minute.
Sasha: This is getting out of hand.
Ariel: WAAAAH!!!
Sasha: (facepalm)
Ariel: (blubbering)
Sasha: I'll wait.
Ariel: (sniffles)
Sasha: Can we go on now?
Ariel: Only if you talk about a happy part.
Sasha: What did you think about the new characters?
Ariel: Now that was just weird. It's the last movie in a nine-movie series, what are they doing introducing all these new characters? Like three new characters at least.
Sasha: More than that. There was the chick with the head like an old-timey car fender.
Ariel: And Shiny Butler-Bot's oldest friend Babu Frik.
Sasha: The dude who was weirdly into that whole Holdo Maneuver thing.
Ariel: Stormtrooper lady. Was that all?
Sasha: I think for good guys. But there was that new General dude on the bad-guy side.
Ariel: Honestly, I don't know why either Kamikazi Fanboy or Stormtrooper Lady couldn't have been stuff for Rose to do. Or why General Rando Whymaihere wasn't Captain Chrome-chick from the last two movies
Sasha: Ooh, that would have been good. Captain Chrome-chick gets promoted over General Sux which pisses him off even more than he already was, so that's part of why he's the spy, and then when he gets offed, it's by a character we know and care about instead of Random Dude Selected to Kill a Major Bad Guy. As far as the other stuff ... I'm not a big Rose fan, so I'm like, eh, whatever. I mean, she's very nice and all. I just don't click with her.
Ariel: She was so important in the last movie, though!
Sasha: True. But in Episode II, Better Bad Guy and Better Bad Guy's Boss were really big deals, and then in Episode Ai-Yai-Yai, Better Bad Guy wasn't even there, and Better Bad Guy's Boss got de-headed in the first five minutes. So it's not like some rule that characters from second movies need to be a big deal in third movies.
Ariel: Well, it would have been kind of hard for Better Bad Guy to be there since he got de-headed himself in the second movie.
Sasha: I guess ... if these movies weren't pretty jam-packed with dead folks showing back up.
Ariel: Only the Force-powered ones, not shiny-suited mercenaries like Better Bad Guy.
Sasha: Um, there were literally millions of that dude. They couldn't have put one in his cool suit?
Ariel: I think his kid kept it and painted it green. Are we still talking about the same movie, though?
Sasha: Kind of not. We should get back on track.
Ariel: More cooool long-distance face-offs between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo, who is back to wearing his helmet a lot in this one.
Sasha: Those two. Wow. You pretty much can't go wrong putting them on the screen together, can you?
Ariel: Not that I've noticed!
Sasha: And all that stuff between them at the end ...
Ariel: Let's not go there. My sob-rag is already soaked.
Sasha: How about Big Space Politician AKA the Emperor AKA Zombie Palpatine?
Ariel: Zombietine. Or the Undeadperor. So creepy! I have to say the actor is super versatile too.
Sasha: How so?
Ariel: Well, he can play a nice space politician, or an evil space politician, or an evil space-wizard politician, or an evil space-wizard politician with a messed-up face, or a zombie evil space-wizard politician, all equally well!
Sasha: I liked the fact that in all three third movies, he was an evil space-wizard politician.
Ariel: Nice point! I don't know if I liked Sunshine Rey being his granddaughter, though.
Sasha: I did! It took the message of, doesn't matter if you're from nowhere and added to it to say it doesn't even matter if you're from somewhere that ought to make you bad. You can still be a hero as long as you decide to do the right thing.
Ariel: I was more thinking, who was dating Mister Melty-Face that ended up having his kid? I mean, there must have been a whole lot of swiping left on his profile before someone finally swiped right.
Sasha: I'm sure he used his picture from before Bald Toughie melted his face.
Ariel: Oh, that's right. He's evil, so that's exactly the kind of thing he'd do.
Sasha: Were you glad to see Oldo Lando come back?
Ariel: You mean Really Oldo Lando! Sure, although I still like the actor from Solo better than this guy. Also, since he came back, I was really hoping he'd find a way to fix Elle 3 and get her out of the spaceship computer, but no such luck.
Sasha: That would've been kind of a lot to cram in.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Speaking of a lot to cram in ... how much more do we have that we want to say about this one?
Ariel: Well ... it's getting pretty late and we've covered a lot already. Maybe just that this was a really good ending to the whole nine movies. We got to say goodbye to all three main characters from the middle trilogy (sniff), and we got to hear the voices of lots of Jedi from the first trilogy, and it was exciting and funny and I laughed a lot and cried a lot, and it was just plain all-around wonderful.
Sasha: I also liked how when Ghost Teen Hottie was talking at the end, he was still all about himself, like, "Hey, Rey, rise up and be awesome, like me!"
Ariel: So true ...
Sasha: Do you think they're going to make any more of these movies? I mean, they've said they're not making any more Skywalker Saga ones, but I sure would hate to never see Sunshine Rey again.
Ariel: Maybe she'll get a Disney Plus show.
Sasha: Well if it's as good as the Mandalorian, that would be fantastic.
Ariel: Oh boy. The Mandalorian ... are we going to write more about that one now that the season is over?
Sasha: Not tonight!
Ariel: Definitely not. Okay, then, everybody out there can dig their way out from under that giant pile of blankets and stuff now.
Sasha: Um, pretty sure if they put on their spoiler bedding megastore, they're not reading anymore to know they can take it off.
Ariel: Yikes! I hope I didn't suffocate any of them!
Sasha: I'm sure they're fine.
Ariel: So it did end up being Episode Fine!
Sasha: Sure, let's go with that.
Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight everybody, and may the Force be with you!
Thursday, December 19, 2019
Ariel and Sasha Experience ... The Last Jedi!
Ariel: Okay.
Sasha: Okay.
Ariel: Okay, then.
Sasha: Yes, okay. Are you ready?
Ariel: I hope so!
Sasha:Aannnd ...
Ariel: Please don't hate us, but we liked this movie!
Sasha: It's true. We liked it a lot.
Ariel: And we've heard that not only do some people not like it, they don't like it so much, they're mean to other people when they find out the other people like it.
Sasha: Which I would totally call b.s. on if our source for this information wasn't pretty good.
Ariel: Unimpeachable!
Sasha: Careful. That's another word that apparently heats up the conversation these days.
Ariel: Sigh. Why are people so mean?
Sasha: I'm guessing some of it is the whole "forget the past" business Helm Solo keeps going on about in this film.
Ariel: Haha, "Helm Solo!" Of course, he doesn't wear his helmet much in this one.
Sasha: Just enough so I could use the nickname, and I'm sticking with it.
Ariel: Holy moly, I just realized since we skipped the last movie we have a whole crew of new characters to nickname!
Sasha: Maybe we shouldn't have skipped it, because I just realized Helm Solo's dad could have been called "Han So-Old" in the last movie.
Ariel: Oh wow. We're going to have to go back at some point because that's too much of a lost opportunity.
Sasha: Maybe after we see the new one today.
Ariel: o ... M ... G!!! Do not remind me because I so can't wait!
Sasha: Only you have to.
Ariel: Aaagh!
Sasha: But while we're waiting we can talk about the Last Jedi, right?
Ariel: Or about what a bummer it is people don't like it.
Sasha: Ehh. That's not the bummer, because people don't like every Star Wars movie.
Ariel: True. We weren't big fans of Episode Ai-Yai-Yai.
Sasha: Or Re-Teddy-Bear of the Jedi.
Ariel: But we didn't hate them. Or hate people who like them.
Sasha: The whole hating bit is so weird.
Ariel: It's like, almost every one of these movies has somebody saying, "Look guys, hating is bad. Don't do it." And then these people who say they're giganto fans of the movies are all, "GROWLLL!!! I HATE THIS MOVIE AND THE GUY WHO DIRECTED IT AND I THINK EVERYBODY WHO LIKES IT IS A BONEHEAD!!!"
Sasha: Kind of makes them sound like big babies who don't understand the point of the movies.
Ariel: Right?
Sasha: Only I don't want to lay into them too hard or I'll start sounding just like they do.
Ariel: Except girlier, because they're all dudes.
Sasha: SO totally weird! These guys go around insisting that this movie is terrible on every level, but girl fans don't seem to be nearly as bothered by it.
Ariel: Yeah! And the hater dudes don't notice there aren't any women jumping all over it the same way. You'd think that would clue them in that they are taking an extreme position.
Sasha: Sure, if people taking extreme positions ever got clued in about it. But I'm not sure being able to analyze whether you're being extreme is a quality most extreme people have.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Yeesh. Okay, let's just talk about the movie, because this stuff is giving me a stomach ache.
Ariel: Oh no! Your poor tum-tums!
Sasha: I think I'll be fine once we get going on what a good movie this was.
Ariel: The best! I mean, maybe not literally the best, because I think Episode Ivy kinda stuck that landing. But very best-like.
Sasha: What did you like about it so much?
Ariel: First off, I know she didn't appear in this one first, but Rey is is so super-awesome in this movie.
Sasha: Not quite as sunshine-y as she was in the last movie.
Ariel: No, but still sunshine-y enough, even on that rainy cloudy island. I mean, so many things happen to her that would just bust most people, but she keeps hold of her sunny attitude anyway.
Sasha: Do you think that's why they called her "Rey"?
Ariel: Ooh! I bet you're right!
Sasha: She pretty much just won't quit.
Ariel: Unlike Farmboy Luke. Although he's not much of a farmboy any more.
Sasha: A little on the old side to be called a boy.
Ariel: He does milk some sea cows though.
Sasha: Maybe we can call him Lactose Luke.
Ariel: Luketose.
Sasha: Yes!
Ariel: He's a downer through a lot of this movie.
Sasha: Dairy-wise, I'd call him sour cream.
Ariel: It was sad at the start to see how he'd given up.
Sasha: Not that big a surprise, though. I mean, he gave up three different times in Re-Teddy Bear of the Jedi. First to the teddy bears, then to Darth Vader, then to Emperor Prunepatine when he throws down his lightsaber at the end.
Ariel: He does do a lot of quitting in those old movies. I mean, on his way to not quitting.
Sasha: That's what makes him so great! He's waaaay less of an optimist than Sunshine Rey, but he always comes round and does the right thing and wins.
Ariel: And in such a BIG way this movie!
Sasha: Yep. He made Helm Solo look like a doof from halfway across the galaxy, he saved everybody, and personally, I think he was helping out when Sunshine Rey was moving all those rocks out of the way.
Ariel: She did look kinda surprised that it worked so well.
Sasha: And even while he's being mister sour cream, bits of Farmboy Luke still float to the top now and then.
Ariel: Like when he sees the Rolling Bleepster the first time!
Sasha: And when he tells Sunshine Rey her homeworld is pretty much nowhere.
Ariel: And when he whacks her with the big blade of grass.
Sasha: Sort of a grasssaber instead of a lightsaber.
Ariel: Haha, yes!
Sasha: Good times.
Ariel: I also looooved all the Force phone call scenes between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo.
Sasha: "Do you have a cowl or something you could put on?"
Ariel: Haha! And then when they're in the hut and she's trying to make him turn good again ... I was like, "That's not going to work really is it? He's so bad!"
Sasha: Which, you were right. It didn't work.
Ariel: OMG, but the other "That's not going to work really" moment was even better. When he was turning the lightsaber on the arm of Leader Supreme's chair ...
Sasha: I know! I was thinking, "No way. No way would they kill off the big bad guy like that!" But they did!
Ariel: It was awesome. Plus, that guy was terrible.
Sasha: A real jerk.
Ariel: Who put him in charge?
Sasha: Probably he put himself in charge. I think that's how most jerks get in charge.
Ariel: I am thankfully ignorant about most details of how jerks work.
Sasha: Me too. What else do we need to talk about?
Ariel: Porgs!
Sasha: Hahaha, "Squaaawk!"
Ariel: Baby Yoda beats porgs for cuteness, but it's close.
Sasha: Even poor Shower-Buddy Monkey couldn't resist them.
Ariel: Oh! Speaking of Shower-Buddy Monkey, he is awesome in this movie too!
Sasha: I love when Sunshine Rey is trying to figure out what he should tell Effin' Stormtrooper if he sees him, and Shower-Buddy Monkey comes up with the right think to say before she does.
Ariel: Lots of respect for Shower-Buddy Monkey in this movie.
Sasha: For sure. Okay, are we done?
Ariel: Probably not, but if we don't wrap it up, we'll just keep talking and miss the movie tonight!
Sasha: Yeah, we do have a lot of getting ready to do. What are you going as again?
Ariel: It's a secret. "Squaaawk!" Haha! How about you?
Sasha: I still haven't got a costume put together. I may just have to borrow one of the B.F.'s Star Wars t-shirts.
Ariel: He does have a lot of them to spare.
Sasha: Practically half the closet.
Ariel: You'd better start trying to pick one!
Sasha: Okay, off we go.
Ariel and Sasha: Bye everybody!
Sasha: Okay.
Ariel: Okay, then.
Sasha: Yes, okay. Are you ready?
Ariel: I hope so!
Sasha:Aannnd ...
Ariel: Please don't hate us, but we liked this movie!
Sasha: It's true. We liked it a lot.
Ariel: And we've heard that not only do some people not like it, they don't like it so much, they're mean to other people when they find out the other people like it.
Sasha: Which I would totally call b.s. on if our source for this information wasn't pretty good.
Ariel: Unimpeachable!
Sasha: Careful. That's another word that apparently heats up the conversation these days.
Ariel: Sigh. Why are people so mean?
Sasha: I'm guessing some of it is the whole "forget the past" business Helm Solo keeps going on about in this film.
Ariel: Haha, "Helm Solo!" Of course, he doesn't wear his helmet much in this one.
Sasha: Just enough so I could use the nickname, and I'm sticking with it.
Ariel: Holy moly, I just realized since we skipped the last movie we have a whole crew of new characters to nickname!
Sasha: Maybe we shouldn't have skipped it, because I just realized Helm Solo's dad could have been called "Han So-Old" in the last movie.
Ariel: Oh wow. We're going to have to go back at some point because that's too much of a lost opportunity.
Sasha: Maybe after we see the new one today.
Ariel: o ... M ... G!!! Do not remind me because I so can't wait!
Sasha: Only you have to.
Ariel: Aaagh!
Sasha: But while we're waiting we can talk about the Last Jedi, right?
Ariel: Or about what a bummer it is people don't like it.
Sasha: Ehh. That's not the bummer, because people don't like every Star Wars movie.
Ariel: True. We weren't big fans of Episode Ai-Yai-Yai.
Sasha: Or Re-Teddy-Bear of the Jedi.
Ariel: But we didn't hate them. Or hate people who like them.
Sasha: The whole hating bit is so weird.
Ariel: It's like, almost every one of these movies has somebody saying, "Look guys, hating is bad. Don't do it." And then these people who say they're giganto fans of the movies are all, "GROWLLL!!! I HATE THIS MOVIE AND THE GUY WHO DIRECTED IT AND I THINK EVERYBODY WHO LIKES IT IS A BONEHEAD!!!"
Sasha: Kind of makes them sound like big babies who don't understand the point of the movies.
Ariel: Right?
Sasha: Only I don't want to lay into them too hard or I'll start sounding just like they do.
Ariel: Except girlier, because they're all dudes.
Sasha: SO totally weird! These guys go around insisting that this movie is terrible on every level, but girl fans don't seem to be nearly as bothered by it.
Ariel: Yeah! And the hater dudes don't notice there aren't any women jumping all over it the same way. You'd think that would clue them in that they are taking an extreme position.
Sasha: Sure, if people taking extreme positions ever got clued in about it. But I'm not sure being able to analyze whether you're being extreme is a quality most extreme people have.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Yeesh. Okay, let's just talk about the movie, because this stuff is giving me a stomach ache.
Ariel: Oh no! Your poor tum-tums!
Sasha: I think I'll be fine once we get going on what a good movie this was.
Ariel: The best! I mean, maybe not literally the best, because I think Episode Ivy kinda stuck that landing. But very best-like.
Sasha: What did you like about it so much?
Ariel: First off, I know she didn't appear in this one first, but Rey is is so super-awesome in this movie.
Sasha: Not quite as sunshine-y as she was in the last movie.
Ariel: No, but still sunshine-y enough, even on that rainy cloudy island. I mean, so many things happen to her that would just bust most people, but she keeps hold of her sunny attitude anyway.
Sasha: Do you think that's why they called her "Rey"?
Ariel: Ooh! I bet you're right!
Sasha: She pretty much just won't quit.
Ariel: Unlike Farmboy Luke. Although he's not much of a farmboy any more.
Sasha: A little on the old side to be called a boy.
Ariel: He does milk some sea cows though.
Sasha: Maybe we can call him Lactose Luke.
Ariel: Luketose.
Sasha: Yes!
Ariel: He's a downer through a lot of this movie.
Sasha: Dairy-wise, I'd call him sour cream.
Ariel: It was sad at the start to see how he'd given up.
Sasha: Not that big a surprise, though. I mean, he gave up three different times in Re-Teddy Bear of the Jedi. First to the teddy bears, then to Darth Vader, then to Emperor Prunepatine when he throws down his lightsaber at the end.
Ariel: He does do a lot of quitting in those old movies. I mean, on his way to not quitting.
Sasha: That's what makes him so great! He's waaaay less of an optimist than Sunshine Rey, but he always comes round and does the right thing and wins.
Ariel: And in such a BIG way this movie!
Sasha: Yep. He made Helm Solo look like a doof from halfway across the galaxy, he saved everybody, and personally, I think he was helping out when Sunshine Rey was moving all those rocks out of the way.
Ariel: She did look kinda surprised that it worked so well.
Sasha: And even while he's being mister sour cream, bits of Farmboy Luke still float to the top now and then.
Ariel: Like when he sees the Rolling Bleepster the first time!
Sasha: And when he tells Sunshine Rey her homeworld is pretty much nowhere.
Ariel: And when he whacks her with the big blade of grass.
Sasha: Sort of a grasssaber instead of a lightsaber.
Ariel: Haha, yes!
Sasha: Good times.
Ariel: I also looooved all the Force phone call scenes between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo.
Sasha: "Do you have a cowl or something you could put on?"
Ariel: Haha! And then when they're in the hut and she's trying to make him turn good again ... I was like, "That's not going to work really is it? He's so bad!"
Sasha: Which, you were right. It didn't work.
Ariel: OMG, but the other "That's not going to work really" moment was even better. When he was turning the lightsaber on the arm of Leader Supreme's chair ...
Sasha: I know! I was thinking, "No way. No way would they kill off the big bad guy like that!" But they did!
Ariel: It was awesome. Plus, that guy was terrible.
Sasha: A real jerk.
Ariel: Who put him in charge?
Sasha: Probably he put himself in charge. I think that's how most jerks get in charge.
Ariel: I am thankfully ignorant about most details of how jerks work.
Sasha: Me too. What else do we need to talk about?
Ariel: Porgs!
Sasha: Hahaha, "Squaaawk!"
Ariel: Baby Yoda beats porgs for cuteness, but it's close.
Sasha: Even poor Shower-Buddy Monkey couldn't resist them.
Ariel: Oh! Speaking of Shower-Buddy Monkey, he is awesome in this movie too!
Sasha: I love when Sunshine Rey is trying to figure out what he should tell Effin' Stormtrooper if he sees him, and Shower-Buddy Monkey comes up with the right think to say before she does.
Ariel: Lots of respect for Shower-Buddy Monkey in this movie.
Sasha: For sure. Okay, are we done?
Ariel: Probably not, but if we don't wrap it up, we'll just keep talking and miss the movie tonight!
Sasha: Yeah, we do have a lot of getting ready to do. What are you going as again?
Ariel: It's a secret. "Squaaawk!" Haha! How about you?
Sasha: I still haven't got a costume put together. I may just have to borrow one of the B.F.'s Star Wars t-shirts.
Ariel: He does have a lot of them to spare.
Sasha: Practically half the closet.
Ariel: You'd better start trying to pick one!
Sasha: Okay, off we go.
Ariel and Sasha: Bye everybody!
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Ariel and Sasha Experience ... The Mandalorian!
Sasha: Hi, everybody! Recently, someone put in a request for us to review The Mandalorian. Obviously, the first thing for us to say is --
Ariel: There's a baby Yoda!
Sasha: Well, I was kind of thinking we ought to give people our standard blanket spoiler warning.
Ariel: Normally I'd agree but if that news spoils something for somebody it's because they never ever ever at all look at the internet, which means they're not actually reading this now, so it didn't actually spoil anything, and also THERE'S A BABY YODA.
Sasha: Okay, okay. Let's go ahead and cut to the chase then and you can tell us how you feel about Baby Yoda.
Ariel: He's a baby! And. He. Looks. Like. YODA.
Sasha: Weren't you just saying last time you have mixed feelings about Yoda? I mean, usually we don't even use his real name.
Ariel: Yes, but no one would understand how cute he was if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad.
Sasha: Maybe they would understand because they've already seen his picture a gazillion times in memes all over social media?
Ariel: Sort of, but it would make it way harder for me to express how cute he is. Like, if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad, I couldn't make it sound like this: BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!
Sasha: That's certainly true.
Ariel: Baby Yoda.
Sasha: Um ... I don't know if this is what they meant when they said they were looking forward to us reviewing The Mandalorian.
Ariel: Probably not, but Baby Yoda.
Sasha: It's, you know, a Star Wars show about a bounty hunter ...
Ariel: And a Baby Yoda.
Sasha: ... with lots of action, and really good special effects ...
Ariel: OMG, the Baby Yoda puppet. It is The Best Special Effect Ever.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry. Go ahead.
Sasha: I think pretty much the whole universe agrees that it's obviously being made by people who have a major love of Star Wars --
Ariel: Which should be everybody! I mean, how could you not love something with Baby Yoda in it?
Sasha: I give up. Yes, Baby Yoda is adorable.
Ariel: I know, right???
Sasha: The cutest thing I have ever seen, maybe.
Ariel: Well ... I wouldn't say that.
Sasha: You wouldn't?
Ariel: Of course not, duh! Why would I say "maybe"?
Sasha: Oh. I get it.
Ariel: Baby Yoda is DEFINITELY the cutest thing I have ever seen!
Sasha: I said I got it, didn't I?
Ariel: Yes. Sorry. Am I getting too carried away with this?
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I said I was sorry already, didn't I? I can't help it. I'm sorry.
Sasha: All right, thank you.
Ariel: He's just sooooo cute!!!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry! Please, really, go on!
Sasha: (takes a breath)
Ariel: baby yoda
Sasha: We'll see you next time, folks.
Ariel: There's a baby Yoda!
Sasha: Well, I was kind of thinking we ought to give people our standard blanket spoiler warning.
Ariel: Normally I'd agree but if that news spoils something for somebody it's because they never ever ever at all look at the internet, which means they're not actually reading this now, so it didn't actually spoil anything, and also THERE'S A BABY YODA.
Sasha: Okay, okay. Let's go ahead and cut to the chase then and you can tell us how you feel about Baby Yoda.
Ariel: He's a baby! And. He. Looks. Like. YODA.
Sasha: Weren't you just saying last time you have mixed feelings about Yoda? I mean, usually we don't even use his real name.
Ariel: Yes, but no one would understand how cute he was if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad.
Sasha: Maybe they would understand because they've already seen his picture a gazillion times in memes all over social media?
Ariel: Sort of, but it would make it way harder for me to express how cute he is. Like, if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad, I couldn't make it sound like this: BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!
Sasha: That's certainly true.
Ariel: Baby Yoda.
Sasha: Um ... I don't know if this is what they meant when they said they were looking forward to us reviewing The Mandalorian.
Ariel: Probably not, but Baby Yoda.
Sasha: It's, you know, a Star Wars show about a bounty hunter ...
Ariel: And a Baby Yoda.
Sasha: ... with lots of action, and really good special effects ...
Ariel: OMG, the Baby Yoda puppet. It is The Best Special Effect Ever.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry. Go ahead.
Sasha: I think pretty much the whole universe agrees that it's obviously being made by people who have a major love of Star Wars --
Ariel: Which should be everybody! I mean, how could you not love something with Baby Yoda in it?
Sasha: I give up. Yes, Baby Yoda is adorable.
Ariel: I know, right???
Sasha: The cutest thing I have ever seen, maybe.
Ariel: Well ... I wouldn't say that.
Sasha: You wouldn't?
Ariel: Of course not, duh! Why would I say "maybe"?
Sasha: Oh. I get it.
Ariel: Baby Yoda is DEFINITELY the cutest thing I have ever seen!
Sasha: I said I got it, didn't I?
Ariel: Yes. Sorry. Am I getting too carried away with this?
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I said I was sorry already, didn't I? I can't help it. I'm sorry.
Sasha: All right, thank you.
Ariel: He's just sooooo cute!!!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry! Please, really, go on!
Sasha: (takes a breath)
Ariel: baby yoda
Sasha: We'll see you next time, folks.
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