Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Star Trek: TBG Season 3!

Sasha: I don't know if this is such a good idea.
Ariel: What do you mean? I thought you said we should get back on our blogging bike.
Sasha: Yes, definitely! It's been way too long since we blogged a good Experience.
Ariel: Waaaay too long. We've been so bad! Except now we're going to make up for it, so what's wrong?
Sasha: Just those last couple of words from what I said a second ago: "a good Experience."
Ariel: That's three words.
Sasha: I wasn't trying to be exact! I just mean, it's been way too long since we blogged a good Experience --
Ariel: What!? That's even farther from being a couple of words than just "a good Experience" was!
Sasha: No, stop. Can we just move on from the whole "couple" thing?
Ariel: You don't want us to be a couple anymore?
Sasha: Agh! Of course I do!
Ariel: I mean, I know technically we're not just a couple because we've got five other yams in our polyam-fam, but ...
Sasha: We're still a couple! Okay? Just you and me together, that's a couple. Two. A pair. Right?
Ariel: Well, I mean, you've got a pair and I've got a pair, so that's actually two pairs.
Sasha: ... 
Ariel: A couple of pairs. And I mean, not to be modest, but they're pretty good pairs, in my experience. So pretty much just by being here we've already got a good experience going.
Sasha: Are you trying to convince me this is a good idea or not? Because you're kind of reminding me of all the crazy pointless arguments we get into when we're blogging like this.
Ariel: But that's the most fun part sometimes! Also, I was setting up an awesome joke, and now it's all off track.
Sasha: *sigh* Fine. Why don't you just say the joke, then?
Ariel: It has to be set up, though, or it won't be funny.
Sasha: Seriously? Are you really going to make me argue with you for twenty minutes setting up a joke?
Ariel: It wasn't going to be twenty minutes! Maybe sixteen or seventeen.
Sasha: Just ... just tell me and everybody what the setup was going to be so you can tell the joke so we can get on with talking about Star Trek: TBG Season 3.
Ariel: Okay, but don't blame me if it's not as funny with me explaining it.
Sasha: Whatever, let's just hear it.
Ariel: So step one was to get you to say "pair" so then I could keep saying "pair" a lot.
Sasha: Uh-huh.
Ariel: And then step two was going to be starting to talk about season three.
Sasha: Thank god talking about the show was somewhere in your plan.
Ariel: Of course it was! Anyhow, then step three was to keep talking and making sure I said "pair" and "season three" a lot, especially the "pair" and "three" parts.
Sasha: Oh no. Please tell me this isn't going where I think it's going.
Ariel: It isn't going where you think it's going.
Sasha: Okay because if it was going there, I was going to scream.
Ariel: Um ... you know I don't know where you think it's going, right? I just said it isn't going there because you asked me to please tell you that.
Sasha: So it is going there. Great. Whatever. Finish it up so we can start talking about the show.
Ariel: Err ... are you sure you ... hey, stop looking at me all mean like that!
Sasha: Finish the joke!
Ariel: I mean I guess, but it's totally ruined now. Step four was going to be talking about how aliens in Star Trek always have some kinda ridges on their foreheads.
Sasha: I can't. I just can't. Somehow you're going to put this together into "a part ridge in a pair three," right?
Ariel: I told you it was ruined. You don't have to keep facepalming like that.
Sasha: Deep breaths, Sasha. Deep breaths.
Ariel: Can I tell everybody to put their spoiler blankets on so we can talk about the show without spoiling it for people now?
Sasha: Yes. Please do that.
Ariel: Put your spoiler blankets on, everybody! We're about to totally ruin Star Trek: TBG Season Three if you don't!
Sasha: Well, not totally, since we've only seen the first two episodes.
Ariel: See, that was how I was going to create an excuse to say "pair" again. The first pair of episodes.
Sasha: Can this joke just be over yet?
Ariel: I'm just making sure everyone knows how awesomely it was going to be set up!
Sasha: Yes. Great. It was going to be awesome. Can we please talk about the show now?
Ariel: Sure. What was your favorite part?
Sasha: I'm not sure I have a favorite part. The thing is --
Ariel: See how I just got us to say "part" a couple of times there?
Sasha: Do you see how I'm getting rigid with frustration?
Ariel: What?
Sasha: I'm so frustrated I'm going to have to stop and go get a snack ... from the fridge!
Ariel: Oh, as long as you're going, can you --
Sasha: But first we might want to print something, so I need to change the printer cartridge!
Ariel: Is the ink out?
Sasha: Yes! At least one color, maybe more! I'll have to change a cartridge, or a pair, or three!
Ariel: I don't understand why you're so worked up about the printer all of a sudden.
Sasha: Never mind. Talk about the show. Star Trek. That Bald Guy. Season Three.
Ariel: I think you were about to tell me your favorite part.
Sasha: No. I was not. I was going to say I don't even have a favorite ... thing ... about the show, because it kept being really annoying. Like someone I know.
Ariel: Oh! I just realized what you were doing with that cartridge or pair or three thing! That was really funny!
Sasha: NO IT WASN'T!
Ariel: Geez, you don't have to get all shouty. Just tell us what you thought was so annoying about the show.
Sasha: I -- you know, it suddenly seems like a bunch of very minor stuff, when I put it in perspective.
Ariel: You seem like you need a hug.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: I'm sorry I can be such an annoying girlfriend. Let me give you a hug and help you feel better.
Sasha: Is there some kind of hug pun coming if I do?
Ariel: No, I promise!
Sasha: ... okay. I do kind of need a hug.
Ariel: Here.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Better?
Sasha: A little.
Ariel: So do you want to talk about the show, or should we come back later?
Sasha: How about later, when we can make a fresh start.
Ariel: Okay ... dang, though.
Sasha: What?
Ariel: All our poor readers have been sweating under their spoiler blankets and now it turns out they didn't need to!
Sasha: I'm sure they'll get over it.
Ariel and Sasha: See you later, readers!

Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Raiders of the Lost Ark!!!!

Sasha: WHAT.
Ariel: That was ...
Sasha: How did they ...
Ariel: I don't think I'm awake. I think I dreamed that.

Sasha: I didn't dream that -- I don't have a big enough brain to dream that.

Ariel: Oh. No, me neither.

Sasha: People. We just watched the very best movie ever.

Ariel: That's not even a spoiler because nobody who hasn't seen the movie will believe us. It's like, impossible to spoil how good a movie it was.

Sasha: I was not prepared.

Ariel: How could you be prepared? Even watching the other three movies first couldn't prepare you.

Sasha: Watching the other three movies anti-prepared me, in fact. I think.

Ariel: Yeah, like, oh hey, here's this Location of the Crystal Skull movie and it's a crazy good time with lots of cool stuff and also some goofy stuff and that's a really good mixture.

Sasha: And then there was Indiana Jones and the Coffee Cup of Jesus, some okay stuff in it, a kinda who-cares Nazi chick as the love interest, plus let's throw in twenty minutes of kid Indy at the start for not much reason, and also let his dad steal the show from him a lot of the time.

Ariel: Followed by that Thimble of Doom movie ... which, at the time I was like, okay, there's kind of a lot of doom in this movie and there's a temple, so that's an okay title. But now that I've seen this movie, it's definitely only a thimbleful of doom in that one.

Sasha: And people have such weird-ass opinions about those three movies, it was kind of hard to see how all the opinions of Raiders of the Lost Ark being the best one would be right.

Ariel: Well, but they were only partway right, because everybody just always says it's the best Indiana Jones movie and hardly anybody tells you it's THE BEST MOVIE IN ALL OF HISTORY.

Sasha: Like the other three movies all had their ups and downs. Crystal Skull, mostly ups.

Ariel: Thimble of Doom, mostly downs.

Sasha: Def. But one thing they all had in common was, there were times when you're watching them and you're kinda like, "Okay, I'm waiting for the next thing to happen." And this movie isn't like that.

Ariel: Not at all!

Sasha: Everything that happened, I was watching it happen, and it was all that needed to be happening. There wasn't anything to wait for.

Ariel: And last time, we were making fun of Indy for saying the problem with all the other women was, they weren't Marion, when really it seemed like the problem was, they were Nazis or bimbos. Because Crystal Skull Marion was definitely a catch compared to the Thimble Bimbo and Professor Backstabra von NaziLady, but she didn't exactly seem like for sure better than ALL other women.

Sasha: Wow, though, Lost Ark Marion made you understand why he said that.

Ariel: "Look, I'm going to outdrink everybody!"

Sasha: "I will sucker-punch Indy for being a dick when we were younger!"

Ariel: "I will bullshit anyone who tries to take advantage of me! And blow cigarette smoke in Nazis' fat ugly faces!"

Sasha: "I will beat people on the head with firewood during a gunfight!"

Ariel: "I will drink from the bullet-holed beer keg so I'm ready to beat people on the head!"

Sasha: "I will shoot bad guys in the back to save Indy from certain death!"

Ariel: "Do not chase me around a corner or I will take you out with a frying pan!"

Sasha: "You better have lots of Nazis around if you kidnap me or I will drink you under the table and gouge you with a steak knife!"

Ariel: "I will climb into a moving airplane to machine-gun truckloads of Nazis if you give me half a chance!"

Sasha: She was freakin' awesome.

Ariel: And the bad guys!

Sasha: Right? How do you go from a movie with that hat-wearing, suave-a-liciously skeevy French dude and Mr. Evil-Spectacles-and-Chargrilled-Heil-Hitler-Hand Porkface McNazi, plus mega-perfect Marion Ravenwood to a movie with lousy bad guys and Most Useless Love Interest Ever like Thimble of Doom had?

Ariel: It's beyond whackadoo. OH!!!

Sasha: What, did you figure out an answer to that question?

Ariel: No, just out of nowhere I remembered, he finds her in the tent and she's alive instead of exploded in the back of that truck, and he's just about to cut her loose and then he puts the gag back in her mouth and leaves so the bad guys don't get wise to what's up!

Sasha: Ooh, she was sooo pissed!!! That was maybe the best thing ever.

Ariel: The whole movie was full of so many best things ever!

Sasha: Normally I might argue that that doesn't really make sense, but in this case I think you're right.

Ariel: Whew. Okay, well, we should probably stop there, then.

Sasha: That works for me. Wow. What a good movie.

Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight, everybody!

Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Ariel: Okay, I am so confused.
Sasha: Really? I thought this was a pretty straightforward movie.
Ariel: No, I'm so confused that our yams lied to us! They said everybody thinks the Crystal Skull movie is the worst Indiana Jones movie, which, there's no way anybody thinks this Temple of Doom movie is better than that one. I just don't believe it.
Sasha: I didn't believe it either but I looked it up and yeah, tons of people say things like, "There are only three Indiana Jones movies" and they include this one in the three but not that one.
Ariel: But ... literally NOTHING in this movie made any sense! I can't even complain about one particular thing or another being unrealistic, because there wasn't anything at all that was realistic!

Sasha: Yeah, I'm with you. Except I can complain about one thing because it happened early on and I thought, "People don't buy him surviving the atom bomb explosion by hiding in a refrigerator, but they do buy this?"

Ariel: What was it?

Sasha: He gets on a plane to escape the bad guy who poisoned him in the nightclub, right?

Ariel: Right.

Sasha: And it turns out the plane belongs to the bad guy, right?

Ariel: Right.

Sasha: And the pilot and co-pilot work for the bad guy, so they're going to totally kill Indiana Jones, right?

Ariel: Uh-huh.

Sasha: So to do it, they fly all the way across China and then jump out of the plane with parachutes over the mountains between China and India! Like, hours and hours and hours of flying, and they're going to crash their boss's plane, which has got to be expensive, and they're going to parachute down into a mountainous wilderness in a blizzard instead of just, like, shooting him in his sleep?

Ariel: I thought you were going to complain that falling out of the plane in a rubber life raft was just as unrealistic as being thrown through the air in a refrigerator, but you're right. It's way crazier to think a couple of pilots would waste all that time flying just to ditch the plane and risk their lives parachuting into mountains.

Sasha: Plus, the fact that it was a super-unrealistic movie from start to finish wasn't nearly the worst part of it.

Ariel: Not by a long shot. I mean, what was up with that nightclub singer lady being the love interest?

Sasha: What was up with her being a character at all? I like, totally did not respect one single thing about her.

Ariel: She was such a waste of person-ness! Do you think there are people who enjoy watching a just-sort-of-hot chick do nothing but whine and complain and act crazy-greedy about diamonds for two hours?

Sasha: What does Indy even see in her, except that she's sort of hot? And if that's all he sees in her, why are we supposed to have any respect for him?

Ariel: I mean, in the Crystal Skull movie, Indy tells the Marion chick that the problem with all the other women in his life was, they weren't her. And now that I've seen these other two movies, I'm like, "This dude does not know how to pick women." Because he really should have answered Marion by saying, "Yeah, I've had a lot of women since we were together. The only problem with them was, they were all brain-dead vacuum-head bimbos who spent the whole time I knew them screaming at me. Oh, also, some were Nazis."

Sasha: So here's my scorecard. Realisticness: Crystal Skull over Temple of Doom by a hair. Maybe several hairs. Love interest: Crystal Skull over Temple of Doom by a mile. I mean, you could see in every scene that Marion was bonkers for Indy, even when they were arguing.

Ariel: I'm with you on both of those things.

Sasha: Oh, and bad guys. We've got to talk bad guys.

Ariel: Crystal Skull times infinity.

Sasha: I know, right? There was the accent-having Camel Gal, there was that back-stabbing Mac guy.

Ariel: Macstabber.

Sasha: There were those super-rude CIA dudes or FBI guys or whatever they were.

Ariel: G-men, one way or another.

Sasha: And I'd even call that Russian officer guy Indy kept fist-fighting more interesting than the Temple of Doom bad guys.

Ariel: Were there even real bad guys in Temple of Doom? I mean, there was a mostly polite dude in a suit, and then there was a crazy insano priest guy, but what were they even in it for?

Sasha: Plain old evilness, apparently. At first I thought, "Oh, this is interesting. Polite-guy-in-a-suit seems to have a real beef with the British colonizers. Maybe this movie is going to have some interesting history lessons in it that motivate the bad guys."

Ariel: Nope, turns out they were all, "Hi! Don't mind us, we're just here for the EVIL."

Sasha: Honestly, the only thing I liked about this movie was the spunky kid who was played by that dude from Everything Everywhere All at Once.

Ariel: OMG. That kid was that guy? Wow.

Sasha: Yeah, the only problem was, every time I saw him, I was thinking, "Geez, I sure wish I was watching Everything Everywhere All at Once again instead of this movie."

Ariel: I'm glad I didn't recognize him or I would have been thinking the same thing.

Sasha: Whew. Well, I guess all that's left is the very first Indiana Jones movie. I don't have very high hopes for it though, because everybody seems to think it's the best one, and so far this series has not been good about proving everybody right.

Ariel: That's for sure.

Sasha and Ariel: Wish us luck, everybody!

Ariel: No, wait! Don't jinx us that way, everybody! Because so far you haven't been right about anything!

Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade!

Sasha: I know we always put an exclamation mark at the end of our post titles, but I really had to force myself to type that one.
Ariel: Yeah. Like, what the heck? I was SO excited to watch an Indiana Jones movie that was even better than the one we watched earlier today!

Sasha: I guess we should have predicted that if we liked the one everybody says they hate, that might mean everybody's wrong about some of the other movies too.

Ariel: I guess everybody should put their spoiler blankets over their heads if they don't want this one spoiled.

Sasha: I dunno if they're going to need them there for long though, because I don't think I have a ton to say about this one.

Ariel: Me either. It's not even that it was bad ... just kind of ... boring?

Sasha: I mean, it is an old movie. And they're usually not as exciting as newer movies.

Ariel: Right? Like, Yay, here comes Indiana Jones! Only then it starts off with just him as a kid? Well, it must be setting something big up about how there's some issue from when he was a kid and he has to grow through it ... or maybe get back in touch with his inner kid ... or something.

Sasha: We did learn where he got his hat.

Ariel: Yeah, a rando dude gave it to him, and it was somebody who was doing something Kid Indy thought was wrong, but for some reason Kid Indy keeps the hat and not only that but grows up and goes for the same leather jacket and hat look as the rando dude he didn't respect?

Sasha: And then, new scene ... and look, the special conquistador cross he got cheated out of as a kid shows right back up and he gets it back as an adult. Oh, and there's a bad dude in a white suit who was also there when Indy was a kid, and his boat gets sunk and that takes care of that. So much for the Kid Indy part being important to the rest of the movie!

Ariel: It's like 20 minutes into the story or more, and there's no bad guy or plot or anything. I mean, we did get one single scene where his dad is a jerk-face to him, but I'm pretty sure when the oldster version of his dad shows up later in the movie, I would have figured out real quick that he was always being a jerk-face to Kid Indy even if I never saw any scenes with Kid Indy at all.

Sasha: And what the heck was up with that Nazi love interest chick?

Ariel: Well, he didn't know she was a Nazi at first.

Sasha: Dude. She's from Germany, and Germany is full of Nazis doing scary things, so you'd think before he tries to hook up with her, he might want to ask, "Hey, you're not one of those horrible Nazis are you?"

Ariel: Wouldn't she have lied, though? Also, I thought she was from Austria.

Sasha: Right, but Austria was full of Nazis too, and really, I think it's something you would want to know, so he should have at least asked.

Ariel: Well, maybe he was so busy archaeologisting that he really didn't know too much about the Nazis.

Sasha: I guess ... fingers crossed that when we see the other two movies, we'll find out he was totally all over the world in places where there weren't any Nazis, so he really didn't have enough information to form an opinion and know it's the kind of thing you'd want to check on if you get the hots for some Austrian or German chick.

Ariel: I was also kind of bothered by the way he just totally laid that majorly aggressive kiss on her without any invitation or consent.

Sasha: Wow, yeah, big turn-off.

Ariel: It's an old movie though. Things were different then I guess.

Sasha: I mean, not so different that I ought to get blindsided by this mongo aggressive kissing when there really wasn't all that much chemistry going on between them. I mean, they were a little flirty, but she also got kind of "keep your distancy" at some point too. Plus he's supposed to be worried about his dad being missing the whole time he's putting the moves on this chick without doing a Nazi-check on her first?

Ariel: It was a very weird movie.

Sasha: Super weird. They're trying to chase down this Holy Grail dealy-bob, and it's supposed to be a great big giant extra-amazing huge archaeology thing, only it wasn't important enough for them to actually tell us very much about what it meant, religion-wise. Or what, you know, Jesus Christ, the dude whose grail it originally was, might have had to say about anything going on in the movie.

Ariel: It was a very zero-Christianity movie for a movie about one of the biggest archaeology dealy-bobs in all of Christianity. I mean, I didn't want a big sermon or anything, but having this Christian gizmo be so super-important only not having Christianity be too important at all seemed kinda weird.

Sasha: Maybe if we knew more about Christianity we'd get the connection.

Ariel: Like, maybe one time Jesus said, "Here is how thou shalt defeat a tank if you are hanging off of one of its guns while a Nazi is trying to hit you with a shovel."

Sasha: Or maybe he said, "If thou art tempted to kiss a Nazi, be sure she is hot and kiss her really hard wheneth she expecteth not to be kissedeth."

Ariel: All right, I'm all pooped out on this movie.

Sasha: Well, we're kind of watching them in reverse order of when they were made, so it looks like next up is the one most people supposedly think is second-worst. If we're lucky, that will mean it's second best, right?

Ariel: As long as it's not worse than this movie, I'm good.

Sasha and Ariel: All done for now, then, folks! Enjoy your weekend!

Ariel and Sasha Experience ... That One Indiana Jones Movie Everybody Hates!

Ariel: Okay, first off, before anybody even starts asking if it's time for our readers to put their spoiler blankets over their heads, I've got to say something.
Sasha: Wow, okay, what is it?
Ariel: It's a spoiler. And I know it's bad of me, because we hate spoiling things, but I've just got to.
Sasha: Um, you know, even though we didn't say for people to put their spoiler blankets on, you kind of just alerted them that you're going to do a spoiler.
Ariel: Oh, geez -- don't put your blankets on, anybody! You've got to hear this spoiler, seriously!

Sasha: Hopefully you caught them in time. So what is it?

Ariel: It's just that people are so dumb.

Sasha: Well ... I don't know that anybody reading this is going to have anything spoiled by that, but ... do you want to be more specific?

Ariel: About this movie, I mean! Claire and MSG and Elle and Hettie all agree that everybody except them hates this movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And I was like, okay, good to know we should watch that one first, and then all the other Indiana Jones movies will be better than the first one we watch, so we're not as likely to get all disappointed.

Sasha: So ... but ... didn't it occur to you that if they don't hate the movie, probably you wouldn't hate the movie either, since mostly everybody around here likes the same stuff?

Ariel: Oh. I mean, now that you say that, it does.

Sasha: How about if we jump into talking about the movie, so we can find out why you didn't hate it. Do we need to tell people to put on their spoiler blankets now?

Ariel: I don't know why -- they're going to hate the movie no matter what, since everybody does. Except us weirdos.

Sasha: Well, I'm still going to say that people should read on at their own risk if they don't want things spoiled about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Ariel: Spoiler alert, this movie is about a guy named Indiana Jones and a crystal skull, but there's totally no kingdom anywhere in the movie. It's like, it starts off in the United States and then goes to South America, and none of the countries they visit have kings.

Sasha: I don't think they literally meant "kingdom" in the title. I think it was just a cooler-sounding word than "Land" or "City" or "Place" or "Weird-Ass Ruins."

Ariel: Those would all be true, though! And I don't think "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" sounds all that much better than "Indiana Jones and the Weird-Ass Ruins of the Crystal Skull." No, wait, now that I said it out loud, the one they went with definitely sounds cooler.

Sasha: Plus, it's not exactly a super-accurate or realistic movie, so I don't think we need to hold the title to a really high standard of descriptive perfection. How about if we move on to the movie?

Ariel: Right! So the movie starts off, and there's this mound of dirt, and a cuuuute furry gopher burrows out of it! Or maybe it was a groundhog. Or maybe a prairie dog. I don't know, I'm not a burrowologist. The important thing is, it was soooo cute! And then, ZOOM! A hot rod almost runs right over the cute little burrowy guy! My heart started pounding so hard, I was really worried about him. But it looked like he got out of the way in time, whew. So then the hot rod is driving across the desert looking very cool and fast, and I was like, "Okay, calm down, Aers. Pay attention so you can find out which one of these people in the hot rod is Indiana Jones." Except, of course, it was none of them. So many twists and turns right off the bat in this movie! Only not literal twists and turns, because the hot rod was mostly driving straight and then started racing against an army convoy that was also mostly driving straight. Only it turned out the army convoy was actually a bunch of Russian army guys disguised as actual army guys, so they could do a bunch of bad stuff. More twists! And turns!

Sasha: I was enjoying myself too. It really seemed to be off to a good start.

Ariel: Right? And then the bad Russian army men pull up at the top secret warehousey place and it turns out they've got a couple of guys stuck in the trunk of the lead car of the convoy. And do you know who the second guy they pulled out was?

Sasha: I mean, we did watch the movie together, Aers. It was Indiana Jones.

Ariel: No! I mean, yes, but when I first saw him, I was like, "Hey! It's Han Oldo from the Star Wars movies!" Only not quite as old as in the ones where he's Han Oldo.

Sasha: Still pretty old compared to the Solo movie, or even to the ones where he's Han Older Than The Solo Movie Solo.

Ariel: I'm thinking even though he's old, though, he must be pretty badass because the first guy they pulled out of the trunk the Russians just kinda threw to one side and ignored, but now with Han Oldo being pulled out, they like, surround him with a dozen guys pointing machine guns at him.

Sasha: He's totally smooth about it, too. Like he's used to having dozens of machine guns stuck in his face.

Ariel: And then the big bad guy shows up! Major Accent Agent Lady!

Sasha: Only I think she was a colonel, not a major.

Ariel: I meant her accent was major. But we can call her Colonel Major Accent Agent Lady if you want. Or maybe shorten it to Major Accent Colonel Lady or Major Accent Agent Colonel or --

Sasha: Why don't we say she's Colonel Agent Major Accent Lady, which we can abbreviate to "CAMAL" and then since it sounds like "Camel" just call her Camel Gal.

Ariel: Wow. That's an awesome solution, Sash.

Sasha: Thanks!

Ariel: So then there's a bunch of weird stuff with magnets and gunpowder in the warehouse and they find an alien in a coffin and Han Oldo makes a super-exciting escape swinging around on a whip and fighting a giant Russian dude and then getting jetted out of the warehouse basement on a jet sled!

Sasha: That was a pretty hoppin' scene.

Ariel: But then .. the next scene.

Sasha: I know. Crazy.

Ariel: First, all you readers need to know that I made them pause the movie so I could say, "What the heck? I thought you said people hate this movie! So far it's awesome! When do we get to the part that they hate?" And do you know what they said?

Sasha: Yes, because I was there, remember?

Ariel: I'm asking for the audience. But I'll just say it. They wanted me to believe that some people right away hated the groundhog!

Sasha: It felt like a very weird thing to hate.

Ariel: Yeah. I told them they could go ahead and just push "play" again if they were only going to lie to me, and then they said, "Actually, this next scene coming up has one of the things people hate the most about this movie, because they think it's so ridiculously unbelievable." So I said, "Okay, but don't tell me what it is. I'll see if I can guess."

Sasha: I remember how that worked out.

Ariel: I know, right??? There I am, watching Han Oldo finding his way out of the desert by spotting this town down below some rocky or mountainy place he had climbed up on. So he climbs down to the town and gets there right as some of the Russian army guys show up in a car, and they barely miss spotting him. And then things start to get all weird. Like he climbs a fence and is in someone's back yard and walks past a bunch of super-stiff clothes hanging on wires, so I said, "Is that the unrealistic thing, these clothes that look all flat hanging from wires for no reason?" But they said no, people used to dry clothes that way after they washed them. And then he goes in the house and nobody answers him when he says, "Hello? Hello?" Which didn't seem super unrealistic because maybe they weren't home even though they left the TV on. And then he tries to get a drink of water from the kitchen sink but nothing comes out, so I almost asked if that was the unrealistic thing but then I thought, "Heck, it's a desert, so maybe they're on water rationing."

Sasha: That was good thinking.

Ariel: But wrong.

Sasha: But still good!

Ariel: And then I'm like, "Aha! Here's the unrealistic part!" because he goes in a room and thinks he sees people and tries to talk to them, but they're just dummies. Like department-store dummies, not dumb-people-who-think-this-is-a-bad-movie dummies. "Why would there be a house full of dummies in this town, and isn't it pretty unlikely he would accidentally find the house full of dummies instead of a normal house with normal people?" But MSG said, no, that wasn't the unrealistic part. And then he runs outside in the front yard and there are more dummies! Including dummies walking a dummy dog! And I'm like, "This is obviously the unrealistic part. Why is there a whole town that's just dummies in the desert? Who would build that?"

Sasha: Only Elle said, no, that's basically historically accurate.

Ariel: Right! And then I'm like, "What? Were people in the 1950s just crazy?" and Hettie said, "No comment." So then some announcement starts, and Han Oldo starts running around like he's panicking, and the Russian guys in the car drive by and they're panicking too and then there's another long-distance shot of the town, only this time there's a big tower in the foreground with a bomb on top of it. And I said, "So this is the unrealistic part. They're scared of a bomb that's obviously way too far from the town to be dangerous, plus who puts a bomb outside of a town full of dummies. Is it a dummy bomb?" And Claire says no, this part is all real, and they're scared because it's an atom bomb.

Sasha: Which is where you started getting kind of wigged out.

Ariel: I know! I'm like, "WHAT. THERE'S A TOWN FULL OF DUMMIES AND AN ATOM BOMB AND SOMEBODY I GUESS THE GOVERNMENT IS JUST GOING TO SET OFF AN ATOM BOMB AND BLOW UP A TOWN FULL OF DUMMIES??? JUST FOR KICKS??? AND THIS ISN'T THE UNREALISTIC PART??? W. T. A. F.!!!"

Sasha: I thought it seemed pretty unrealistic too. But I looked it up later and then I felt pretty ignorant about the 1950s.

Ariel: So I'm freaking out because this CRAZY A.F. setup is actually real, and Han Oldo is about to get atomized by a freakin' ATOM BOMB and there's obviously no way he can get out of there in time and he climbs in a refrigerator and there's a label that says "Lead lined for your safety" or some crazy thing like that and then the atom bomb goes off and there's this super flash of light that burns all the dummies up just from being so bright and then a shock wave that rips the whole town apart and it's the scariest most bizarre unbelievable thing I've ever seen and the refrigerator gets blown clear of the blast and tumbles down this long, not too steep hill until it stops and Han Oldo rolls out and gets up and is just standing there looking at this absolutely hellish scene with a big mushroom-shaped cloud growing up out of this disintegrated town in the desert. And then when it's over everybody tells me that the unbelievable part was the refrigerator surviving.

Sasha: You didn't think that was unrealistic? I thought it was pretty unrealistic, but it was fun so I didn't care.

Ariel: I totally thought it was unrealistic! But I also thought it was the most realistic thing in the whole scene! If you didn't know all that other stuff was real, like I didn't, why in the world would you think the fridge part was the most unrealistic part? I mean, I'm obviously pretty ignorant about history and physics and atom bombs, but everything in the whole scene was bat-poop insane! And it turns out 95% of the scene was actually pretty close to the effed up reality that was normal for people in the 1950s! Only these movie watchers in the 2000s got upset about the 5% that was a silly fun escape for a made-up character in an over-the-top action movie? No. Just ... no. That's bonkers.

Sasha: Wow. You're still upset. I thought you seemed really offended when we were watching and you found out why people didn't like the scene, but I figured by now you would have chilled out a little more than this.

Ariel: Sash, it was literally one of the most mind-blowing scenes I have ever seen in a movie in my life. Not only was it crazy exciting because I was sure Han Oldo was about to die, and not only did it just, like, almost explode my eyes from how amazing the special effects were, but I totally freakin' learned things about real life that I didn't want to know and that I'll never be able to get out of my brain from now on. And people hate it because the fridge thing is goofy?

Sasha: Pretty head-scratchity. All I can figure is, when we watch the other movies we'll see that they don't have goofy unrealistic escapes like that in them.

Ariel: Whoosh. Okay, I think I'm all worn out now. Look at my hands!

Sasha: They're shaking!

Ariel: I can't even think about that scene and about the idea of people hating it without feeling like the universe is completely breaking up around me.

Sasha: Maybe we should stop for now, then.

Ariel: Yeah, definitely. I think that was really most of what I wanted to say anyhow, since from that point on I told everybody not to tell me what parts people hated about the movie. I just watched it and enjoyed it and assumed it was all the best parts that all the nincompoops thought stank.

Sasha: Well, they can think what they want. We know a good movie when we see one!

Ariel: I need a milkshake or something now.

Sasha and Ariel: Goodnight everybody!

Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Enchanted!

Ariel: omg.
Sasha: What?
Ariel: o.m.g. That was such a good movie.
Sasha: I really liked it too!

Ariel: No, no, no, you can't say it like that. You have to say "omg" or you obviously didn't like it as much as I did.

Sasha: I don't have to say "omg." We've got you for that. And I totally liked it as much as you did.

Ariel: I don't believe you! It was so magical, and, and sweet, and the main character was soooo ....

Sasha: You!

Ariel: Huh? What do you mean?

Sasha: I mean the main character was exactly you, Aers. She was beautiful, and totally and completely kind, and everybody who met her felt better about everything right away. That's you.

Ariel: ...

Sasha: Aren't you going to say anything?

Ariel: You're making fun of me for liking the movie so much.

Sasha: No, I'm a hundred percent not. You're pure-hearted and wide-eyed and innocent and everything new makes you joyful and shiny.

Ariel: Errr ... I'm definitely not as innocent as the girl in the movie.

Sasha: Why do you say that?

Ariel: Well, you know, I've ...  done it. Kind of a lot, in fact. I mean, I don't think she even knew what it is.

Sasha: Oh, she totally knew by the end of the movie. That's why they had to do that pop-up storybook bit at the ending to show all the stuff that happened after the main movie. You don't think she and the main dude got it on waaaay quick after they finally got together? 

Ariel: I mean, probably. I guess they did.

Sasha: Right. It just wasn't the kinda movie where they could show it, so they had to turn some pages real quick and skip past. And can you remember the first time you ever did it?

Ariel: Yes! Oooh, wow, yes!

Sasha: And based on how she reacted to everything else in the movie, don't you think she reacted exactly the same as you did the first time she got to do it?

Ariel: I don't know if I really want to think about that about such an innocent movie.

Sasha: Well, I already made you think about it, so why don't you just answer the question with what you thought?

Ariel: Okay, sure. Yeah. She probably reacted just the same as I did. Wouldn't anybody? Doesn't everybody?

Sasha: Not even close! But my whole point of this is, you're thinking because I didn't have as obviously big a reaction to this movie, it must mean I didn't like it as much as you did, but I couldn't have as big a reaction. Do you know why?

Ariel: Would I look this confused if I knew why?

Sasha: Because that movie was the first time you got to see that girl, and I see her every day.

Ariel: ...

Ariel: ...

Ariel: Are you sure you're not making fun of me? Because this is not how you usually talk to me at all.

Sasha: No, but that's how you know I did like it as much as you. Because it's making me all sappy even though it's been done for like half an hour now.

Ariel: Oh.

Sasha: You heard what I did there, right? "That's how you know...?"

Ariel: Oh! Oh, Sash ...

Sasha: Come on, let's go watch the sequel now.

Ariel: Okay!

Sasha and Ariel: Goodnight, everybody!

Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Warrior Nun! (and/or Andor!)

Ariel: Okay, right off the bat, everybody, put your spoiler blankets over your heads if you don't want us to spoil something big about the series we just finished, which was called "Warrior Nun."
Sasha: Something big?
Ariel: Super big, like, a way shocking kind of big.

Sasha: Wow. Okay, well, hopefully they listened and have their spoiler blankets up ... so what's this shocker spoiler of yours?

Ariel: It's the fact that she does do some warrioring.

Sasha: What?

Ariel: I mean, you watched it too, so you saw her do it. It took a while to get around to that part of the action, but she did a lot more of it towards the end of the season than at the start. Warrioring, I mean.

Sasha: I don't think I'm getting this. Explain it to me like I'm you.

Ariel: Well ... hey! That was mean!

Sasha: I'm kidding, I'm kidding! But I'm also not kidding, because I really don't get what you're talking about.

Ariel: Seriously? I thought it was a really cheap way for them to put a twist in the show, because it was so misleading ... but you really didn't notice her warrioring?

Sasha: Of course I did, but why is that a cheap twist? It's right there in the title.

Ariel: That's what I mean! Right there in the title! They called it "Warrior Nun," and then it turns out she actually does do some warrioring. So they should have called it --

Sasha: Oh. Oh, no.

Ariel: "Warrior Some."

Sasha: Aers ...

Ariel: I mean, then some people would have heard it wrong and thought they called it "Worriersome," like it was more worrisome than something else, and they would have been like, "Worriersome than what?" But the show does get more worrisome along the way, so those people would have been okay with it the more they watched. Two or three episodes in, they'd be saying, "Dang, that episode was definitely worriersome than the ones before it."

Sasha: Aers, this is even worse than the way you keep going on about the new Star Wars show.

Ariel: OMG, that show is taking SO LONG to get to the big reveal! Is it "and" or is it "or"? And what are the two things that it's either "and" or it's "or" between? I mean, what and/or what? 

Sasha: I really think you're going to be frustrated when we get to the season finale of that show.

Ariel: No, I trust the people making this show, I think they've got a real plan. Because he's in prison right now, which makes him a con. And "con" means "with" in Spanish, right? And "with" is pretty darn close to "and," plus the main actor is from Mexico, so I'm sure he speaks Spanish. It's all coming together.

Sasha: For your sake, I kind of hope you're right. But I don't know that the rest of the audience is looking for the same th--

Ariel: HOLY MOLEY!

Sasha: Now what?

Ariel: Sash! Where do things come together? At a junction! He's a con, and things come together at a junction, and that means when everything in this show comes together it will be a con-junction, and "and" and "or" are both conjunctions! They've definitely been planning this all along!

Sasha: Can ... can we go back to talking about Warrior Nun?

Ariel: Whew, look at me ... I'm shaking!

Sasha: Okay, but ... Warrior Nun?

Ariel: Sure, sure. I don't know if they planned that show out as well, though. Definitely not in the title department.

Sasha: That's fine. Great even. But what did you think about the show besides being annoyed with the title?

Ariel: Hmm. Well, don't tell our boyfriend, but I am hot for that Beatrice nun. I don't know why the main Warrior Some chick bothers with that squatter dude for the first half of the season when she could totally be getting with Beatrice.

Sasha: I'm not sure she could, because, you know, the whole nun thing ... they're not supposed to, um, do it.

Ariel: Uh-huh. That's what the title says about warrioring though, so I'm pretty sure they could do it at least some.

Sasha: That ... I dunno -- you may actually have a point there.

Ariel: I bet they're just saving it for season two.

Sasha: Let's talk about this season, though. 

Ariel: Sure. You go first ... I'm still recovering from that brainstorm of mine about And/Or.

Sasha: Fine. I was pretty split down the middle about the main character, Ava. She's so irresponsible and flighty.

Ariel: Actually, I don't think she ever really flew. More like hovered. And she didn't even do that when the badass black chick pushed her off the cliff. She was about as flighty as a rock at that point.

Sasha: I'm just going to ignore that and keep going about Ava. So I totally get why she's the way she is. Her whole life she's been trapped in bed because she's a quadraplegic, and she's miserable from the orphanage nuns being terrible to her --

Ariel: The Irish one was the worst! The Irish nun, I mean. I mean, she was totally Irish, it wasn't even a case of her just being some Irish, she was all the way a hundred percent from Ireland, you could tell. Ireland with a stop in Meanie-Meanville along the way.

Sasha: Irish we could skip any more none/some stuff, is what Irish.

Ariel: Boo! We're talking about Warrior Nun, not Warrior Pun. Cut that out!

Sasha: ...

Ariel: So you were saying how you understood why Ava is such a goofy doofus the first part of the show.

Sasha: Right. Thanks. Basically, she's spent her whole life not only wishing she could get out and do things, but also rebelling against the awful orphanage nuns. So all she wants to do is have a chance to do her own thing, and not get told what to do by nuns, and then suddenly not only can she walk around and run and dance, but she's got super-powers! And then here come some other nuns telling her what to do.

Ariel: Yeah, but one of them is that Beatrice girl, and I'd sure let her tell me what to do.

Sasha: True, but another one is that Sister Lillith chick, who is pretty much as mean as the orphanage nuns.

Ariel: That's a good point.

Sasha: Anyway, I thought there were some really interesting characters in the show, like the priest who runs the warrior nun order.

Ariel: I call him Father Rad-Tats, because we find out later in the show he's got those rad tats all over his arms.

Sasha: He spent the whole season being really cool and interesting, and we kept seeing different sides of him, and then of course at the end he was part of the really big twist.

Ariel: Also, that guy could really work a suit-pocket.

Sasha: What?

Ariel: He'd be like, talking to one of the nuns or to Ava, just walking around or standing there, and he'd have one hand in his pocket, and I was like, "Dang, that guy really knows how to stand around with one hand in his pocket!" It helped that his suit was so sharp.

Sasha: Now that you mention it, I guess he really did have some good hand-in-the-pocket posture.

Ariel: And so did the scientist lady's henchman that used to work for the Vatican! His suit had a tie instead of the white collar bit, and it was grey instead of black, but wow could he ever stand there with a hand in the pocket. Do you think they teach that at priest school?

Sasha: Can we just get the part out of the way where I say I want to get back to talking about the show, and you say, "Suit yourself"?

Ariel: Ooh! That would have been a good one! But fine, what else did you want to say about the show?

Sasha: Overall, I really liked it. Lots of action, lots of good characters, some silly cheesy stuff, creepy wraiths, demons, nuns getting dragged to hell ... it was a pretty wild ride!

Ariel: That part was awesome, where the chick was impaled on the demon's claw and she's like, "Pick ... up ... the ... sword ... !"

Sasha: I also agree that the Shotgun Nun who pushed Ava off the cliff was pretty badass too. And that was a hilarious moment.

Ariel: Kinda makes you wish everybody around you had magic healing powers so when they got to really bugging you, you could just push them off a cliff.

Sasha: Does it? Wait, are you saying sometimes you'd like to push me off a cliff?

Ariel: Not you, Sasha! I meant other annoying people.

Sasha: Meaning I'm annoying, but not push-her-off-a-cliff annoying?

Ariel: Actually I guess I don't know anybody that annoying. So I guess it wouldn't do any good if everybody around me had magic healing powers.

Sasha: Maybe the magic healing powers would come in handy for some other reason?

Ariel: I know I could sure use some with my back all busted like it is.

Sasha: Aw! But would you be willing to do all the hard Warrior Nun work that comes with the powers?

Ariel: I don't know ... does the hot Sister Beatrice nun come with the powers too? Because that might be worth the work. Mmm, Beatrice ... I could probably be an even Workier Nun than Ava in that case.

Sasha: You really have a thing for Beatrice, huh?

Ariel: It's because she's so nice! Except when she's hurting people. But actually even then she's pretty nice about it. Mostly.

Sasha: If you were going to be a warrior nun, you'd for sure be Beatrice. She's not any nicer than you.

Ariel: That's so sweet of you! Maybe in season two there will be a spicy nun that you can be like.

Sasha: I guess we'll find out next week!

Ariel: Omigosh, that's right! I can't believe it's November already. There's hardly any time left to wait for the next season.

Sasha: Some and/or none. That sound like a good note to end on?

Ariel: Sure! Well, that and I'm proud of us for making it through the whole post without even a single joke about habits.

Sasha: I imagine there's several people out there who appreciate that.

Ariel and Sasha: Bye, everybody!