Ariel: Lots and lots of Netflix this weekend, whoosh!
Sasha: Possibly too much.
Ariel: Well ... at least one episode too much. Blech.
Sasha: Is that about the way the Dracula series ended up?
Ariel: Well, let's tell people to put their spoiler blankets over their heads before I answer that.
Sasha: Sure. Spoiler blankets, everybody.
Ariel: Yeah, we're gonna spoil the heck out of this one.
Sasha: We good to go then?
Ariel: Yes, but no. I mean, yes, I'm not worried about spoiling things for anybody now, but no, I was definitely not good with the ending of this series!
Sasha: Me either. But do we want to jump right into that or start at the start?
Ariel: Let's jump right into it and work our way back. That way we end up talking about the best part last and it doesn't leave as bad a taste in my mouth.
Sasha: I'm good with that plan. So ... episode three was called, "The Dark Compass."
Ariel: Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that. Which is probably good because I have no idea what it means.
Sasha: Well, a compass is supposed to help you find directions, right? Maybe it's supposed to mean whatever thing was pointing Dracula in the direction he was going.
Ariel: Or maybe it means the guys making the episode had no clue where they were going so they were like, "Can you see the compass?" and then, "No, it's dark. I can't see anything," and then, "Well that sucks. But man ... 'Dark Compass' is pretty cool sounding for a title, don't you think?"
Sasha: Makes as much sense as anything, I guess.
Ariel: More sense than this episode made!
Sasha: What did you like least about it?
Ariel: Where do I begin? How about stuff being all out of order? Instead of starting off where episode 2 left off, they jumped backwards in time to show us part of what happened between episode 1 and episode 2, after which they jumped forward in time to Dracula being in some house that is obviously after the end of episode 2 but not right after, even though episode 2 was pretty cliffhanger-y at the end, then they jumped back again to show us what happened between the end of episode 2 and Dracula being in the house, then more Dracula in the house until people come and catch him and then it jumps to some kid we never saw before not answering his phone because we don't know why and we also don't know why whoever is calling him is calling him. But he's getting ready to go somewhere only we don't know where or why, and then he gets a call from some girl we also don't know inviting him to go somewhere that night, but we don't know where or why about that either, and then suddenly he's there, and I'm like, wait, was he getting ready to go because he already knew he was going somewhere with her? Because Dracula got caught in the morning and then the kid was getting ready, so I assumed he was getting ready in the morning, but maybe he wasn't?
Sasha: Uh ... but how do you really feel?
Ariel: I mean, I know this was only my third Dracula story I ever saw, or my third part of the one Dracula story I ever saw. But I still can't help feeling, is it really supposed to be this confusing?
Sasha: No, I kinda felt that way too.
Ariel: And then the lighting crew like, broke all their light bulbs or something and only had purple ones left. Seriously half the episode took place with weird lavender glowy lighting. What the hell was that about?
Sasha: I totally could not say.
Ariel: Anyway, those were my least likable things about it. Did you have different ones?
Sasha: I'm going to say when Dracula figured out how to email his lawyer from inside the secret compound and then the lawyer came and said he'd sue them if they didn't let Dracula go, and the guys who captured Dracula pretty much shrugged and said okay.
Ariel: Literally W T F.
Sasha: I mean, even if Dracula's really smart, and even if the guys who captured him accidentally gave him internet access, and even if he figured out how to email his lawyers, how did he know where he was that the lawyer could come and find him?
Ariel: I know, right? And like, if I'm running a super-secret vampire-catching company, and someone comes to the door saying, "Hey, Dracula emailed me that you've got him in there," I'm pretty sure my first reaction would be like, "Haha, you're crazy, no I don't."
Sasha: It was like, this organization had been set up over a hundred years earlier to catch Dracula in case he ever came back, and they had a super-secret hideout built to hold him if they caught him, and then some guy comes along and says, "Yeah, I'm Dracula's lawyer, hand him over," and they're not smart enough to say, "Dracula who?"
Ariel: I think my mind blocked that part out, it was so dumb, or else I would have said it first when you asked me my least liked part.
Sasha: If only I could have blocked it out!
Ariel: If only. Well, if you could have, what would have been your second least liked thing?
Sasha: Everything just took so long.
Ariel: Sooooo long!
Sasha: And I couldn't figure out why I was supposed to care about this Lucy chick Dracula had the hots for or this Jack guy who also had the hots for the Lucy chick. We had to see all those scenes with those two characters and didn't ever get to know them or understand them.
Ariel: Right? Lucy's like, "Boo hoo, I'm so pretty, everybody is always smiling at me," and Jack obviously thinks she's so pretty too, but what he tells people is, "She's just an ordinary girl," and besides liking Lucy Jack had squat for personality, and besides being pretty and going out clubbing, Lucy never did anything at all except let Dracula suck her blood.
Sasha: Did we ever even see what happened to Jack at the end?
Ariel: Did we? I don't think so. It was like, they got to the big throw-down between Doctor Nun Van Helsing and Dracula, and the Doctor Nun tells Jack, "Dude, your plot purpose is done here, scram." And that's the last we see of him.
Sasha: Which was fine by me, because I didn't really give two farts what happened to him, but I think that's not the reaction you're supposed to have for a major character in a final episode of a series.
Ariel: Ugh. I can't talk about it any more.
Sasha: Agreed. Do we want to talk about episode two?
Ariel: Not really. Dracula gets on a ship. Kills everybody on the ship except Nun Van Helsing, she blows up the ship, and his box sinks to the bottom of the ocean, only somehow it's nailed shut even though he was out of the box when she blew up the ship and the only one who might possibly have nailed it shut would have been her.
Sasha: Wow. When you put it like that, it doesn't sound any better than episode three.
Ariel: No it was a lot better, because at least Dracula killed plenty of people and you cared whether they lived or died because they were interesting to semi-interesting people.
Sasha: Good point.
Ariel: Also, Nun Van Helsing was still Nun Van Helsing instead of Doctor Nun Van Helsing, great great grand-niece of Nun Van Helsing.
Sasha: Nun Van Helsing was definitely way cooler.
Ariel: She was badass.
Sasha: Not quite as badass as in episode one, though.
Ariel: OMG, episode one. SO GOOD.
Sasha: Truth.
Ariel: What the heck happened? How do you go from that episode one to that episode three?
Sasha: I have no idea.
Ariel: Badass nun with a badass attitude doing a badass job interviewing this crazy Jonathan Harker dude who got crazified staying with Dracula, and then eventually Dracula shows up and she does a badass job staring him down too ... plus all those scenes in the super-creepy castle! I just about shit myself several times.
Sasha: It was pretty scary.
Ariel: But also cool and funny and Nun Van Helsing and Dracula were both such awesome characters ... and then, all downhill from there.
Sasha: Such a shame.
Ariel: Yeah. At the end of episode one I was all, "Holy moley, I hope there's more than one season of this because three episodes won't be nearly enough!" And then by the end of episode three, I was all, "Why didn't they stop after that one great episode?"
Sasha: Maybe they wrote the one great episode and the network said, "Guys, we love it, but you need to make it a series, not just a short movie."
Ariel: Maybe. It's a head scratcher.
Sasha: That's for sure. Well, are we ready to put a stake in this one?
Ariel: And how. R.I.P., Dracula.
Sasha: Please don't rise from the dead for another season!
Monday, January 20, 2020
Saturday, January 18, 2020
Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Please Please Me!
Sasha: So, The Beatles.
Ariel: Best band ever?
Sasha: I think our opinion has been shaken.
Ariel: Shaken up, Baby?
Sasha: I just said so, didn't ... oh, I get it. But you agree, right?
Ariel: Well, you'll be surprised by this -- I did some research since we listened to the album this morning.
Sasha: What? You, research?
Ariel: I know! But I was just so shocked that The Beatles, who are the best band ever, would have such a bad first album! I had to see if the Internet knew what went wrong.
Sasha: It was definitely a stumper for me. But I just assumed, you know, everybody's got to start somewhere, and they obviously got better.
Ariel: Here's the thing, though, how long do you think it took them to make that album?
Sasha: I dunno. Maybe over a weekend when they were distracted by relatives coming to visit?
Ariel: Ten hours.
Sasha: Get out.
Ariel: No, I'm serious! They released two singles that went really big, so the record company said, "You've gotta do an album, and fast," and they were like, "Sure. How fast is fast? Never mind, we're done."
Sasha: Wow. That's crazy. No wonder there are all those junky songs on it.
Ariel: Yeah, like, almost half the album they didn't write at all.
Sasha: I guess that explains why they sounded like grandma songs.
Ariel: No offense to grandmas.
Sasha: Yeah, no offense.
Ariel: We definitely apologize to all the grandmas who read our blog.
Sasha: I'm thinking there probably aren't all that many.
Ariel: You never know!
Sasha: So now that we're relieved they didn't write the grandma songs themselves what do we think about this album?
Ariel: I'm thinking it will make an awesome playlist with most of those other songs cut out.
Sasha: Sure, but we can't just cut them out of talking about our experience, can we?
Ariel: I guess not.
Sasha: Why don't we just go song by song from the top?
Ariel: Okay! I'll do two songs, then you can do three songs, then I'll do four songs, and then we can just do every other song until the end.
Sasha: I'm really suspicious at the way you were looking so carefully at the liner notes while you said all that. Did you just give me all the grandma songs?
Ariel: Maybe.
Sasha: How about if we just each do every other song instead.
Ariel: Well ...
Sasha: You're looking at the liner notes again!
Ariel: Yes, but only so I can be fair since you're being such a party pooper! If we do every other song, the person who goes first gets "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Please Please Me" and only has to do two grandma songs, and the person who goes second only gets a couple of the good songs but four grandma songs. So the every other one method still screws somebody.
Sasha: Well, since you're trying so hard to be fair, I guess I don't mind being the one who gets screwed.
Ariel: Haha, that's what she --
Sasha: If you finish that joke, I'm taking it back!
Ariel: Okay, sorry.
Sasha: So let's get started. I'm sure all the grandmas who read our blog are dead by now, we took so long deciding how to do this.
Ariel: I'm sorry, grandmas. Me first then, right?
Sasha: Right.
Ariel: First song! "I Saw Her Standing There" -- WOW! Okay, your turn.
Sasha: That's all you're saying?
Ariel: I'm pretty tired from doing my research.
Sasha: Look, I feel like I made a pretty big sacrifice letting you get all the best songs. The least you can do is say more than "wow" about them.
Ariel: I did! I said "WOW!" not "wow".
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sheesh. All right then. Uh ... "I Saw Her Standing There" is ... tied for longest song on the album, even though it's only two minutes and 55 seconds long.
Sasha: More with the liner notes?
Ariel: Why are you so pushy tonight? Fine. I love this song. I'm a little confused when he says, "She was just seventeen if you know what I mean," because it seems pretty obvious people should know what he means when he says she's just seventeen. Maybe it meant something else in 1963? Or maybe he was in a club where the minimum age was 18, so he means she was a naughty lawbreaker girl? I dunno. But aside from starting off by confusing me, it's a great song.
Sasha: That's better. My first song is "Misery." It's a weirdly bouncy song for being about a guy who's in misery, but I think that's a good thing, because even though it's one of the songs the band wrote, it's a little grandma-ish. If it was actually slow and miserable, I don't know if I'd like it much.
Ariel: My next song starts with a pretty good guitar bit, but it goes downhill from there.
Sasha: I'll say! Like a grandma on skis.
Ariel: Parts of it are okay, but the way they sing "Anna" in the refrain ... whoosh, ick. "UhAaaa-aann-uh" -- I mean, there are not that many syllables in the name "Anna."
Sasha: Plus, the way the guy in the song is like, "Sure, I'll let you go be with some other guy, but you've got to give back your ring for me to set you free..." Yeesh!
Ariel: I guess that's 1963 for you.
Sasha: Creepy. And my next song is not much better ... "Chains."
Ariel: I do like that George sings it.
Sasha: Does he? I couldn't really tell. He sounds an awful lot like John. Which is weird, because they sound so different on the later albums. You're sure?
Ariel: It's right here in the liner notes.
Sasha: You and your liner notes! Anyhow, the grandma songs seem pretty un-romantic to me so far, with the dude demanding the ring back, and the next dude complaining about chains of love.
Ariel: The next one's better. "Boys." And you can definitely tell who sings this one.
Sasha: The drummer, for sure.
Ariel: It's catchy, but it doesn't make a lot of sense. He says his girl tells him she gets a thrill from his kiss, then he says "Talkin' about boys," maybe 20 times, then, "She says ya do." What? Is he talking about his girl? Or is he talking about boys? Or is she talking about someone? It's sort of like they took a song that a girl was supposed to sing and changed the words, but only changed half of them and left the rest.
Sasha: I guess you do that when you only have 10 hours to record an album.
Ariel: Yeah. Well, next song.
Sasha: (sigh) It's called "Ask Me Why." Annnnd it's another actual The Beatles song that is close to sounding like a grandma song.
Ariel: I really appreciate you volunteering to go every other song.
Sasha: Sooo many "ooo-wooo-wooo's" in this song.
Ariel: Don't forget the "ay-yai-yai-yai's" whenever they sing "Ask me why."
Sasha: I'm asking myself why I agreed to the every-other-song method.
Ariel: Do you want to switch and take the next song, then?
Sasha: No. No, you go ahead.
Ariel: Wow, you really love me! The next one is the title song, "Please Please Me!" According to the liner notes, it was their first really big hit in England, and boy, can you tell why!
Sasha: That's for sure. It is WAY different from all the grandma music on this album.
Ariel: You know what the difference is?"
Sasha: I mean ... there's lots of differences. Which one do you mean?
Ariel: They sound so EXCITED.
Sasha: Hmm! That's a really good point.
Ariel: Like, even on the "Boys" song where it's pretty peppy and about people getting kissed and getting thrills to their fingertips, there are still all these "bop-shooo-wop, ba-bop-bop-shoo-wop's" that kind of clue you in that they're like, "Yeah, we know this song's not really about anything, we'll just fill it in with nonsense sounds here."
Sasha: You're right. On "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Please Please Me," they sound like they're really singing about real things that they actually care about.
Ariel: Plus, rockin' music.
Sasha: No doubt, this song way rocks over all the grandma stuff.
Ariel: Amen.
Sasha: Okay, my turn to do a good song, finally! "Love Me Do." It's not as rocking as "Please Please Me," but man does it start off with some good harmonica!
Ariel: Liner notes say this one was their first song that made the charts, it just didn't get as far up as "Please Please Me."
Sasha: I don't know why it's so much more interesting than the oldies around it. I mean, it's barely got any lyrics at all. Like, four short sentences, and then some words that aren't even a complete sentence ... I guess it's just that thing again where it sounds like they really mean it.
Ariel: Yeah. Like, all their songs are written to be sincere on this album. In "Anna," the dude is all about how he's going to do what she wants because she loves this other guy, and then he's like, "But you'd better give me back that ring!"
Sasha: And "Chains" is like, dude, are you happy you're in love, or not? It's weird.
Ariel: Right. And I don't even understand "Boys."
Sasha: How about the next one. Did you think it was sincere too?
Ariel: Totally. "P.S., I Love You." It's so sincere, I just did more research.
Sasha: Did you now.
Ariel: Yes, I looked in a thesaurus and found an even better word. "Earnest."
Sasha: Okay, that research totally paid off. I like that word for them.
Ariel: Me too.
Sasha: Not for my next song, though. "Baby, It's You." More grandma stuff full of "sha-la-la-la-laaa's" and creepy lyrics. Like the guy in the song going on and on about how much he loves the girl, but then saying everybody is going around calling her a cheat. But then he says he doesn't care about that, "sha-la-la," and it just makes me think, "Then why did you say it, dude?"
Ariel: You're really getting the short end of the stick with this every-other-song thing. How about if you take this next song to make up for it.
Sasha: "Do You Want To Know A Secret?"
Ariel: Yes! It's another one that George sings where he sounds a lot like John.
Sasha: He kind of does ...
Ariel: Especially in the refrain when he gets screamy on the "I'm in love with you!" bit. George is not normally a screamer. That's way more John's thing.
Sasha: I thought you said I was going to take this one?
Ariel: Oops. Sorry. I'll shut up. Why don't you skip the next grandma song, "A Taste of Honey," and then you can do both the last two songs.
Sasha: "A Taste of Honey" is the worst. More of a grandpa song than a grandma song, though. I'm totally okay skipping it.
Ariel: Great. Do "There's a Place."
Sasha: I really like this one! Thank you, Aers.
Ariel: What's so good about it?
Sasha: Well, supposedly the early The Beatles songs are all just lovey-dovey love songs about girls and stuff, and this one kind of is, but it's also got ... contemplation in it. The grandma songs are all super shallow ... "Your lips are sweet," "Yeah, yeah, boys," "Cheat, cheat, cheat," blah, blah, blah. But in this one, he's singing about how there's a place he can go whenever he's sad, and it's in his own head, he just thinks of his girlfriend and things she does and says. I mean, it's still all about a girl, but he's actually thinking about her, not just singing how much he love, love, loves her or is obsessed with her.
Ariel: You're really good at this song analysis stuff!
Sasha: Thank you!
Ariel: Only one song left, the last grandma song. Do you want to do it?
Sasha: Yes! Because it's the best of the grandma songs, "Twist and Shout!" It doesn't have the same kind of The Beatles musically interesting quality to it or interesting lyrics, really, but boy does John scream the heck out of it.
Ariel: It's definitely the screamingest song on the album.
Sasha: So much screaming.
Ariel: The liner notes said they recorded it last because he had a bad cold and the producer thought if they recorded it first, his voice would be shot for the day.
Sasha: Wait, they recorded this whole album in ten hours and John had a cold the whole time and he still screamed that good on the last song?
Ariel: Apparently!
Sasha: Okay, I can definitely forgive it for being not the greatest album ever, then.
Ariel: Me too.
Sasha: Whew, this was a long one! Congratulations to us for hanging in there.
Ariel: You said it. I'm beat!
Sasha: Let's hit the sack, then.
Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight, everybody!
Ariel: Best band ever?
Sasha: I think our opinion has been shaken.
Ariel: Shaken up, Baby?
Sasha: I just said so, didn't ... oh, I get it. But you agree, right?
Ariel: Well, you'll be surprised by this -- I did some research since we listened to the album this morning.
Sasha: What? You, research?
Ariel: I know! But I was just so shocked that The Beatles, who are the best band ever, would have such a bad first album! I had to see if the Internet knew what went wrong.
Sasha: It was definitely a stumper for me. But I just assumed, you know, everybody's got to start somewhere, and they obviously got better.
Ariel: Here's the thing, though, how long do you think it took them to make that album?
Sasha: I dunno. Maybe over a weekend when they were distracted by relatives coming to visit?
Ariel: Ten hours.
Sasha: Get out.
Ariel: No, I'm serious! They released two singles that went really big, so the record company said, "You've gotta do an album, and fast," and they were like, "Sure. How fast is fast? Never mind, we're done."
Sasha: Wow. That's crazy. No wonder there are all those junky songs on it.
Ariel: Yeah, like, almost half the album they didn't write at all.
Sasha: I guess that explains why they sounded like grandma songs.
Ariel: No offense to grandmas.
Sasha: Yeah, no offense.
Ariel: We definitely apologize to all the grandmas who read our blog.
Sasha: I'm thinking there probably aren't all that many.
Ariel: You never know!
Sasha: So now that we're relieved they didn't write the grandma songs themselves what do we think about this album?
Ariel: I'm thinking it will make an awesome playlist with most of those other songs cut out.
Sasha: Sure, but we can't just cut them out of talking about our experience, can we?
Ariel: I guess not.
Sasha: Why don't we just go song by song from the top?
Ariel: Okay! I'll do two songs, then you can do three songs, then I'll do four songs, and then we can just do every other song until the end.
Sasha: I'm really suspicious at the way you were looking so carefully at the liner notes while you said all that. Did you just give me all the grandma songs?
Ariel: Maybe.
Sasha: How about if we just each do every other song instead.
Ariel: Well ...
Sasha: You're looking at the liner notes again!
Ariel: Yes, but only so I can be fair since you're being such a party pooper! If we do every other song, the person who goes first gets "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Please Please Me" and only has to do two grandma songs, and the person who goes second only gets a couple of the good songs but four grandma songs. So the every other one method still screws somebody.
Sasha: Well, since you're trying so hard to be fair, I guess I don't mind being the one who gets screwed.
Ariel: Haha, that's what she --
Sasha: If you finish that joke, I'm taking it back!
Ariel: Okay, sorry.
Sasha: So let's get started. I'm sure all the grandmas who read our blog are dead by now, we took so long deciding how to do this.
Ariel: I'm sorry, grandmas. Me first then, right?
Sasha: Right.
Ariel: First song! "I Saw Her Standing There" -- WOW! Okay, your turn.
Sasha: That's all you're saying?
Ariel: I'm pretty tired from doing my research.
Sasha: Look, I feel like I made a pretty big sacrifice letting you get all the best songs. The least you can do is say more than "wow" about them.
Ariel: I did! I said "WOW!" not "wow".
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sheesh. All right then. Uh ... "I Saw Her Standing There" is ... tied for longest song on the album, even though it's only two minutes and 55 seconds long.
Sasha: More with the liner notes?
Ariel: Why are you so pushy tonight? Fine. I love this song. I'm a little confused when he says, "She was just seventeen if you know what I mean," because it seems pretty obvious people should know what he means when he says she's just seventeen. Maybe it meant something else in 1963? Or maybe he was in a club where the minimum age was 18, so he means she was a naughty lawbreaker girl? I dunno. But aside from starting off by confusing me, it's a great song.
Sasha: That's better. My first song is "Misery." It's a weirdly bouncy song for being about a guy who's in misery, but I think that's a good thing, because even though it's one of the songs the band wrote, it's a little grandma-ish. If it was actually slow and miserable, I don't know if I'd like it much.
Ariel: My next song starts with a pretty good guitar bit, but it goes downhill from there.
Sasha: I'll say! Like a grandma on skis.
Ariel: Parts of it are okay, but the way they sing "Anna" in the refrain ... whoosh, ick. "UhAaaa-aann-uh" -- I mean, there are not that many syllables in the name "Anna."
Sasha: Plus, the way the guy in the song is like, "Sure, I'll let you go be with some other guy, but you've got to give back your ring for me to set you free..." Yeesh!
Ariel: I guess that's 1963 for you.
Sasha: Creepy. And my next song is not much better ... "Chains."
Ariel: I do like that George sings it.
Sasha: Does he? I couldn't really tell. He sounds an awful lot like John. Which is weird, because they sound so different on the later albums. You're sure?
Ariel: It's right here in the liner notes.
Sasha: You and your liner notes! Anyhow, the grandma songs seem pretty un-romantic to me so far, with the dude demanding the ring back, and the next dude complaining about chains of love.
Ariel: The next one's better. "Boys." And you can definitely tell who sings this one.
Sasha: The drummer, for sure.
Ariel: It's catchy, but it doesn't make a lot of sense. He says his girl tells him she gets a thrill from his kiss, then he says "Talkin' about boys," maybe 20 times, then, "She says ya do." What? Is he talking about his girl? Or is he talking about boys? Or is she talking about someone? It's sort of like they took a song that a girl was supposed to sing and changed the words, but only changed half of them and left the rest.
Sasha: I guess you do that when you only have 10 hours to record an album.
Ariel: Yeah. Well, next song.
Sasha: (sigh) It's called "Ask Me Why." Annnnd it's another actual The Beatles song that is close to sounding like a grandma song.
Ariel: I really appreciate you volunteering to go every other song.
Sasha: Sooo many "ooo-wooo-wooo's" in this song.
Ariel: Don't forget the "ay-yai-yai-yai's" whenever they sing "Ask me why."
Sasha: I'm asking myself why I agreed to the every-other-song method.
Ariel: Do you want to switch and take the next song, then?
Sasha: No. No, you go ahead.
Ariel: Wow, you really love me! The next one is the title song, "Please Please Me!" According to the liner notes, it was their first really big hit in England, and boy, can you tell why!
Sasha: That's for sure. It is WAY different from all the grandma music on this album.
Ariel: You know what the difference is?"
Sasha: I mean ... there's lots of differences. Which one do you mean?
Ariel: They sound so EXCITED.
Sasha: Hmm! That's a really good point.
Ariel: Like, even on the "Boys" song where it's pretty peppy and about people getting kissed and getting thrills to their fingertips, there are still all these "bop-shooo-wop, ba-bop-bop-shoo-wop's" that kind of clue you in that they're like, "Yeah, we know this song's not really about anything, we'll just fill it in with nonsense sounds here."
Sasha: You're right. On "I Saw Her Standing There" and "Please Please Me," they sound like they're really singing about real things that they actually care about.
Ariel: Plus, rockin' music.
Sasha: No doubt, this song way rocks over all the grandma stuff.
Ariel: Amen.
Sasha: Okay, my turn to do a good song, finally! "Love Me Do." It's not as rocking as "Please Please Me," but man does it start off with some good harmonica!
Ariel: Liner notes say this one was their first song that made the charts, it just didn't get as far up as "Please Please Me."
Sasha: I don't know why it's so much more interesting than the oldies around it. I mean, it's barely got any lyrics at all. Like, four short sentences, and then some words that aren't even a complete sentence ... I guess it's just that thing again where it sounds like they really mean it.
Ariel: Yeah. Like, all their songs are written to be sincere on this album. In "Anna," the dude is all about how he's going to do what she wants because she loves this other guy, and then he's like, "But you'd better give me back that ring!"
Sasha: And "Chains" is like, dude, are you happy you're in love, or not? It's weird.
Ariel: Right. And I don't even understand "Boys."
Sasha: How about the next one. Did you think it was sincere too?
Ariel: Totally. "P.S., I Love You." It's so sincere, I just did more research.
Sasha: Did you now.
Ariel: Yes, I looked in a thesaurus and found an even better word. "Earnest."
Sasha: Okay, that research totally paid off. I like that word for them.
Ariel: Me too.
Sasha: Not for my next song, though. "Baby, It's You." More grandma stuff full of "sha-la-la-la-laaa's" and creepy lyrics. Like the guy in the song going on and on about how much he loves the girl, but then saying everybody is going around calling her a cheat. But then he says he doesn't care about that, "sha-la-la," and it just makes me think, "Then why did you say it, dude?"
Ariel: You're really getting the short end of the stick with this every-other-song thing. How about if you take this next song to make up for it.
Sasha: "Do You Want To Know A Secret?"
Ariel: Yes! It's another one that George sings where he sounds a lot like John.
Sasha: He kind of does ...
Ariel: Especially in the refrain when he gets screamy on the "I'm in love with you!" bit. George is not normally a screamer. That's way more John's thing.
Sasha: I thought you said I was going to take this one?
Ariel: Oops. Sorry. I'll shut up. Why don't you skip the next grandma song, "A Taste of Honey," and then you can do both the last two songs.
Sasha: "A Taste of Honey" is the worst. More of a grandpa song than a grandma song, though. I'm totally okay skipping it.
Ariel: Great. Do "There's a Place."
Sasha: I really like this one! Thank you, Aers.
Ariel: What's so good about it?
Sasha: Well, supposedly the early The Beatles songs are all just lovey-dovey love songs about girls and stuff, and this one kind of is, but it's also got ... contemplation in it. The grandma songs are all super shallow ... "Your lips are sweet," "Yeah, yeah, boys," "Cheat, cheat, cheat," blah, blah, blah. But in this one, he's singing about how there's a place he can go whenever he's sad, and it's in his own head, he just thinks of his girlfriend and things she does and says. I mean, it's still all about a girl, but he's actually thinking about her, not just singing how much he love, love, loves her or is obsessed with her.
Ariel: You're really good at this song analysis stuff!
Sasha: Thank you!
Ariel: Only one song left, the last grandma song. Do you want to do it?
Sasha: Yes! Because it's the best of the grandma songs, "Twist and Shout!" It doesn't have the same kind of The Beatles musically interesting quality to it or interesting lyrics, really, but boy does John scream the heck out of it.
Ariel: It's definitely the screamingest song on the album.
Sasha: So much screaming.
Ariel: The liner notes said they recorded it last because he had a bad cold and the producer thought if they recorded it first, his voice would be shot for the day.
Sasha: Wait, they recorded this whole album in ten hours and John had a cold the whole time and he still screamed that good on the last song?
Ariel: Apparently!
Sasha: Okay, I can definitely forgive it for being not the greatest album ever, then.
Ariel: Me too.
Sasha: Whew, this was a long one! Congratulations to us for hanging in there.
Ariel: You said it. I'm beat!
Sasha: Let's hit the sack, then.
Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight, everybody!
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Another Finishing Another Star Wars Trilogy!
Ariel: The very best of the best finishes of these trilogies ever!
Sasha: I'm definitely not arguing with that.
Ariel: Wuh-uh-OW!
Sasha: People should pull their spoiler blankets over their heads because there's no way we can talk about this without spoiling tons of stuff.
Ariel: Get two blankets.
Sasha: Well, that may be going a little overb-
Ariel: A big fluffy comforter too!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: And a duvet cover. With a duvet in it.
Sasha: So --
Ariel: Plus some quilts!
Sasha: Are you done yet?
Ariel: We could do this all night!
Sasha: Not so sure about that ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm just very excited about this movie!
Sasha: Well, me too, but I don't expect people to empty out Bed, Bath and Beyond putting blankets over themselves to avoid spoilers!
Ariel: You should have spelled it Bed, Bath, and 8eyond.
Sasha: Groan.
Ariel: I just want to make sure we don't spoil anything for anybody because there's soooo much great stuff in this movie.
Sasha: Okay, that I'll agree with. Also, people who'd like to start at the start of our Star Wars experiences can look at the link box over on the right of the page! Now what should we talk about first?
Ariel: I think we need to figure out what to call it? Episode Icks?
Sasha: That sounds like, "Ick, we don't like it."
Ariel: Um ... Episode I Before X Except After Sex?
Sasha: I was with you up until the "sex" part ...
Ariel: That's what she said! No, wait, I don't know anybody who ever said that.
Sasha: It's just not very Star Warsy. I mean, I don't remember any sex in any of the eleven movies or eight episodes of The Mandalorian we've watched.
Ariel: The green tentacle-head girl did flash her boob in Episode VI - Everybody Gets A Little Stupid.
Sasha: I don't know if a one-bazillionth-of-a-second boob flash counts as sex. That's really a stretch.
Ariel: I Before X Except After Stretch?
Sasha: Now you're just being silly.
Ariel: I Before X Except After Dex. Like Dexter Jettster.
Sasha: Who?
Ariel: Sexy Jesus's friend. You know, Butt-Scratching Diner-Lizard.
Sasha: Oh, right. Kind of obscure, and also I just realized that's an awfully long nickname for the episode. I'm not saying that every time.
Ariel: "Episode Fine."
Sasha: Well ...
Ariel: Oh, come on! What's wrong with that one?
Sasha: It's ambiguous -- like, some people might think of fine like fine wine, others might think we mean, "How was it? Eh, it was fine."
Ariel: Episode Niiiice, then.
Sasha: That one.
Ariel: Whew!
Sasha: So what did you think was so great about it? General stuff first?
Ariel: I have an urgent message for General Stuff!
Sasha: Haha, no, really.
Ariel: It was. So. Emotional. I cried so much in this movie!
Sasha: I could hear you sniffling the whole last half.
Ariel: I couldn't help it! And you're not pretending you didn't cry too, are you?
Sasha: No, I definitely did at things like when Cinnabon-Hair Girl sacrifices herself to reach her son, and then when he sacrifices himself later for Sunshine Rey. You know ... the parts where you were out-and-out blubbering.
Ariel: I didn't blubber! Did I?
Sasha: Well, I kind of felt like the whole theater was staring at us when Shiny Butler-Bot was about to get brain-wiped and said goodbye to his friends.
Ariel: Was I really crying that loud?
Sasha: No, I think it was more the way you said, "Please dear god does anybody have any tissues?!?"
Ariel: I did not say that!
Sasha: Well, you might as well have. The theater guys had to get a "wet floor" sign to put in front of your seat after the movie was done.
Ariel: Someone behind me spilled a drink!
Sasha: Aers, we were in the back row.
Ariel: Whatever.
Sasha: Maybe instead of pouting let's get back to the movie? You were just talking about Shiny Butler-Bot.
Ariel: OMG, he was so funny in this one! It scared me so much that he was getting his memory erased and then it turned out he was totally himself just with amnesia! Hil-larious!
Sasha: I loved every second he was on the screen. Not enough Rolling Bleepster, though.
Ariel: Well, you can't have everything. And there were three whole movies where Shiny Butler-Bot was kinda lame and Rolling Bleepster kicked patootie, so maybe this is just evening things out.
Sasha: True. What did you think about Han Ghosto?
Ariel: I can't talk about it. Where are those tissues?
Sasha: I thought his scene was Hannntastic.
Ariel: Boo! Now you're really trying to make me cry.
Sasha: But seriously, it made the scene on the bridge from two movies ago about ten times better, and that scene was already good. Plus, after all the times in the older movies where they said, "I love you," and then "I know," it was sooo perfect when they ended that scene with him saying, "I know" to his son.
Ariel: (blubbering)
Sasha: Okay, here's a hankie!
Ariel: (Louder Blubbering)
Sasha: What now?
Ariel: You said Han-kie!
Sasha: *sigh*
Ariel: Just give me a minute.
Sasha: This is getting out of hand.
Ariel: WAAAAH!!!
Sasha: (facepalm)
Ariel: (blubbering)
Sasha: I'll wait.
Ariel: (sniffles)
Sasha: Can we go on now?
Ariel: Only if you talk about a happy part.
Sasha: What did you think about the new characters?
Ariel: Now that was just weird. It's the last movie in a nine-movie series, what are they doing introducing all these new characters? Like three new characters at least.
Sasha: More than that. There was the chick with the head like an old-timey car fender.
Ariel: And Shiny Butler-Bot's oldest friend Babu Frik.
Sasha: The dude who was weirdly into that whole Holdo Maneuver thing.
Ariel: Stormtrooper lady. Was that all?
Sasha: I think for good guys. But there was that new General dude on the bad-guy side.
Ariel: Honestly, I don't know why either Kamikazi Fanboy or Stormtrooper Lady couldn't have been stuff for Rose to do. Or why General Rando Whymaihere wasn't Captain Chrome-chick from the last two movies
Sasha: Ooh, that would have been good. Captain Chrome-chick gets promoted over General Sux which pisses him off even more than he already was, so that's part of why he's the spy, and then when he gets offed, it's by a character we know and care about instead of Random Dude Selected to Kill a Major Bad Guy. As far as the other stuff ... I'm not a big Rose fan, so I'm like, eh, whatever. I mean, she's very nice and all. I just don't click with her.
Ariel: She was so important in the last movie, though!
Sasha: True. But in Episode II, Better Bad Guy and Better Bad Guy's Boss were really big deals, and then in Episode Ai-Yai-Yai, Better Bad Guy wasn't even there, and Better Bad Guy's Boss got de-headed in the first five minutes. So it's not like some rule that characters from second movies need to be a big deal in third movies.
Ariel: Well, it would have been kind of hard for Better Bad Guy to be there since he got de-headed himself in the second movie.
Sasha: I guess ... if these movies weren't pretty jam-packed with dead folks showing back up.
Ariel: Only the Force-powered ones, not shiny-suited mercenaries like Better Bad Guy.
Sasha: Um, there were literally millions of that dude. They couldn't have put one in his cool suit?
Ariel: I think his kid kept it and painted it green. Are we still talking about the same movie, though?
Sasha: Kind of not. We should get back on track.
Ariel: More cooool long-distance face-offs between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo, who is back to wearing his helmet a lot in this one.
Sasha: Those two. Wow. You pretty much can't go wrong putting them on the screen together, can you?
Ariel: Not that I've noticed!
Sasha: And all that stuff between them at the end ...
Ariel: Let's not go there. My sob-rag is already soaked.
Sasha: How about Big Space Politician AKA the Emperor AKA Zombie Palpatine?
Ariel: Zombietine. Or the Undeadperor. So creepy! I have to say the actor is super versatile too.
Sasha: How so?
Ariel: Well, he can play a nice space politician, or an evil space politician, or an evil space-wizard politician, or an evil space-wizard politician with a messed-up face, or a zombie evil space-wizard politician, all equally well!
Sasha: I liked the fact that in all three third movies, he was an evil space-wizard politician.
Ariel: Nice point! I don't know if I liked Sunshine Rey being his granddaughter, though.
Sasha: I did! It took the message of, doesn't matter if you're from nowhere and added to it to say it doesn't even matter if you're from somewhere that ought to make you bad. You can still be a hero as long as you decide to do the right thing.
Ariel: I was more thinking, who was dating Mister Melty-Face that ended up having his kid? I mean, there must have been a whole lot of swiping left on his profile before someone finally swiped right.
Sasha: I'm sure he used his picture from before Bald Toughie melted his face.
Ariel: Oh, that's right. He's evil, so that's exactly the kind of thing he'd do.
Sasha: Were you glad to see Oldo Lando come back?
Ariel: You mean Really Oldo Lando! Sure, although I still like the actor from Solo better than this guy. Also, since he came back, I was really hoping he'd find a way to fix Elle 3 and get her out of the spaceship computer, but no such luck.
Sasha: That would've been kind of a lot to cram in.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Speaking of a lot to cram in ... how much more do we have that we want to say about this one?
Ariel: Well ... it's getting pretty late and we've covered a lot already. Maybe just that this was a really good ending to the whole nine movies. We got to say goodbye to all three main characters from the middle trilogy (sniff), and we got to hear the voices of lots of Jedi from the first trilogy, and it was exciting and funny and I laughed a lot and cried a lot, and it was just plain all-around wonderful.
Sasha: I also liked how when Ghost Teen Hottie was talking at the end, he was still all about himself, like, "Hey, Rey, rise up and be awesome, like me!"
Ariel: So true ...
Sasha: Do you think they're going to make any more of these movies? I mean, they've said they're not making any more Skywalker Saga ones, but I sure would hate to never see Sunshine Rey again.
Ariel: Maybe she'll get a Disney Plus show.
Sasha: Well if it's as good as the Mandalorian, that would be fantastic.
Ariel: Oh boy. The Mandalorian ... are we going to write more about that one now that the season is over?
Sasha: Not tonight!
Ariel: Definitely not. Okay, then, everybody out there can dig their way out from under that giant pile of blankets and stuff now.
Sasha: Um, pretty sure if they put on their spoiler bedding megastore, they're not reading anymore to know they can take it off.
Ariel: Yikes! I hope I didn't suffocate any of them!
Sasha: I'm sure they're fine.
Ariel: So it did end up being Episode Fine!
Sasha: Sure, let's go with that.
Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight everybody, and may the Force be with you!
Sasha: I'm definitely not arguing with that.
Ariel: Wuh-uh-OW!
Sasha: People should pull their spoiler blankets over their heads because there's no way we can talk about this without spoiling tons of stuff.
Ariel: Get two blankets.
Sasha: Well, that may be going a little overb-
Ariel: A big fluffy comforter too!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: And a duvet cover. With a duvet in it.
Sasha: So --
Ariel: Plus some quilts!
Sasha: Are you done yet?
Ariel: We could do this all night!
Sasha: Not so sure about that ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm just very excited about this movie!
Sasha: Well, me too, but I don't expect people to empty out Bed, Bath and Beyond putting blankets over themselves to avoid spoilers!
Ariel: You should have spelled it Bed, Bath, and 8eyond.
Sasha: Groan.
Ariel: I just want to make sure we don't spoil anything for anybody because there's soooo much great stuff in this movie.
Sasha: Okay, that I'll agree with. Also, people who'd like to start at the start of our Star Wars experiences can look at the link box over on the right of the page! Now what should we talk about first?
Ariel: I think we need to figure out what to call it? Episode Icks?
Sasha: That sounds like, "Ick, we don't like it."
Ariel: Um ... Episode I Before X Except After Sex?
Sasha: I was with you up until the "sex" part ...
Ariel: That's what she said! No, wait, I don't know anybody who ever said that.
Sasha: It's just not very Star Warsy. I mean, I don't remember any sex in any of the eleven movies or eight episodes of The Mandalorian we've watched.
Ariel: The green tentacle-head girl did flash her boob in Episode VI - Everybody Gets A Little Stupid.
Sasha: I don't know if a one-bazillionth-of-a-second boob flash counts as sex. That's really a stretch.
Ariel: I Before X Except After Stretch?
Sasha: Now you're just being silly.
Ariel: I Before X Except After Dex. Like Dexter Jettster.
Sasha: Who?
Ariel: Sexy Jesus's friend. You know, Butt-Scratching Diner-Lizard.
Sasha: Oh, right. Kind of obscure, and also I just realized that's an awfully long nickname for the episode. I'm not saying that every time.
Ariel: "Episode Fine."
Sasha: Well ...
Ariel: Oh, come on! What's wrong with that one?
Sasha: It's ambiguous -- like, some people might think of fine like fine wine, others might think we mean, "How was it? Eh, it was fine."
Ariel: Episode Niiiice, then.
Sasha: That one.
Ariel: Whew!
Sasha: So what did you think was so great about it? General stuff first?
Ariel: I have an urgent message for General Stuff!
Sasha: Haha, no, really.
Ariel: It was. So. Emotional. I cried so much in this movie!
Sasha: I could hear you sniffling the whole last half.
Ariel: I couldn't help it! And you're not pretending you didn't cry too, are you?
Sasha: No, I definitely did at things like when Cinnabon-Hair Girl sacrifices herself to reach her son, and then when he sacrifices himself later for Sunshine Rey. You know ... the parts where you were out-and-out blubbering.
Ariel: I didn't blubber! Did I?
Sasha: Well, I kind of felt like the whole theater was staring at us when Shiny Butler-Bot was about to get brain-wiped and said goodbye to his friends.
Ariel: Was I really crying that loud?
Sasha: No, I think it was more the way you said, "Please dear god does anybody have any tissues?!?"
Ariel: I did not say that!
Sasha: Well, you might as well have. The theater guys had to get a "wet floor" sign to put in front of your seat after the movie was done.
Ariel: Someone behind me spilled a drink!
Sasha: Aers, we were in the back row.
Ariel: Whatever.
Sasha: Maybe instead of pouting let's get back to the movie? You were just talking about Shiny Butler-Bot.
Ariel: OMG, he was so funny in this one! It scared me so much that he was getting his memory erased and then it turned out he was totally himself just with amnesia! Hil-larious!
Sasha: I loved every second he was on the screen. Not enough Rolling Bleepster, though.
Ariel: Well, you can't have everything. And there were three whole movies where Shiny Butler-Bot was kinda lame and Rolling Bleepster kicked patootie, so maybe this is just evening things out.
Sasha: True. What did you think about Han Ghosto?
Ariel: I can't talk about it. Where are those tissues?
Sasha: I thought his scene was Hannntastic.
Ariel: Boo! Now you're really trying to make me cry.
Sasha: But seriously, it made the scene on the bridge from two movies ago about ten times better, and that scene was already good. Plus, after all the times in the older movies where they said, "I love you," and then "I know," it was sooo perfect when they ended that scene with him saying, "I know" to his son.
Ariel: (blubbering)
Sasha: Okay, here's a hankie!
Ariel: (Louder Blubbering)
Sasha: What now?
Ariel: You said Han-kie!
Sasha: *sigh*
Ariel: Just give me a minute.
Sasha: This is getting out of hand.
Ariel: WAAAAH!!!
Sasha: (facepalm)
Ariel: (blubbering)
Sasha: I'll wait.
Ariel: (sniffles)
Sasha: Can we go on now?
Ariel: Only if you talk about a happy part.
Sasha: What did you think about the new characters?
Ariel: Now that was just weird. It's the last movie in a nine-movie series, what are they doing introducing all these new characters? Like three new characters at least.
Sasha: More than that. There was the chick with the head like an old-timey car fender.
Ariel: And Shiny Butler-Bot's oldest friend Babu Frik.
Sasha: The dude who was weirdly into that whole Holdo Maneuver thing.
Ariel: Stormtrooper lady. Was that all?
Sasha: I think for good guys. But there was that new General dude on the bad-guy side.
Ariel: Honestly, I don't know why either Kamikazi Fanboy or Stormtrooper Lady couldn't have been stuff for Rose to do. Or why General Rando Whymaihere wasn't Captain Chrome-chick from the last two movies
Sasha: Ooh, that would have been good. Captain Chrome-chick gets promoted over General Sux which pisses him off even more than he already was, so that's part of why he's the spy, and then when he gets offed, it's by a character we know and care about instead of Random Dude Selected to Kill a Major Bad Guy. As far as the other stuff ... I'm not a big Rose fan, so I'm like, eh, whatever. I mean, she's very nice and all. I just don't click with her.
Ariel: She was so important in the last movie, though!
Sasha: True. But in Episode II, Better Bad Guy and Better Bad Guy's Boss were really big deals, and then in Episode Ai-Yai-Yai, Better Bad Guy wasn't even there, and Better Bad Guy's Boss got de-headed in the first five minutes. So it's not like some rule that characters from second movies need to be a big deal in third movies.
Ariel: Well, it would have been kind of hard for Better Bad Guy to be there since he got de-headed himself in the second movie.
Sasha: I guess ... if these movies weren't pretty jam-packed with dead folks showing back up.
Ariel: Only the Force-powered ones, not shiny-suited mercenaries like Better Bad Guy.
Sasha: Um, there were literally millions of that dude. They couldn't have put one in his cool suit?
Ariel: I think his kid kept it and painted it green. Are we still talking about the same movie, though?
Sasha: Kind of not. We should get back on track.
Ariel: More cooool long-distance face-offs between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo, who is back to wearing his helmet a lot in this one.
Sasha: Those two. Wow. You pretty much can't go wrong putting them on the screen together, can you?
Ariel: Not that I've noticed!
Sasha: And all that stuff between them at the end ...
Ariel: Let's not go there. My sob-rag is already soaked.
Sasha: How about Big Space Politician AKA the Emperor AKA Zombie Palpatine?
Ariel: Zombietine. Or the Undeadperor. So creepy! I have to say the actor is super versatile too.
Sasha: How so?
Ariel: Well, he can play a nice space politician, or an evil space politician, or an evil space-wizard politician, or an evil space-wizard politician with a messed-up face, or a zombie evil space-wizard politician, all equally well!
Sasha: I liked the fact that in all three third movies, he was an evil space-wizard politician.
Ariel: Nice point! I don't know if I liked Sunshine Rey being his granddaughter, though.
Sasha: I did! It took the message of, doesn't matter if you're from nowhere and added to it to say it doesn't even matter if you're from somewhere that ought to make you bad. You can still be a hero as long as you decide to do the right thing.
Ariel: I was more thinking, who was dating Mister Melty-Face that ended up having his kid? I mean, there must have been a whole lot of swiping left on his profile before someone finally swiped right.
Sasha: I'm sure he used his picture from before Bald Toughie melted his face.
Ariel: Oh, that's right. He's evil, so that's exactly the kind of thing he'd do.
Sasha: Were you glad to see Oldo Lando come back?
Ariel: You mean Really Oldo Lando! Sure, although I still like the actor from Solo better than this guy. Also, since he came back, I was really hoping he'd find a way to fix Elle 3 and get her out of the spaceship computer, but no such luck.
Sasha: That would've been kind of a lot to cram in.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Speaking of a lot to cram in ... how much more do we have that we want to say about this one?
Ariel: Well ... it's getting pretty late and we've covered a lot already. Maybe just that this was a really good ending to the whole nine movies. We got to say goodbye to all three main characters from the middle trilogy (sniff), and we got to hear the voices of lots of Jedi from the first trilogy, and it was exciting and funny and I laughed a lot and cried a lot, and it was just plain all-around wonderful.
Sasha: I also liked how when Ghost Teen Hottie was talking at the end, he was still all about himself, like, "Hey, Rey, rise up and be awesome, like me!"
Ariel: So true ...
Sasha: Do you think they're going to make any more of these movies? I mean, they've said they're not making any more Skywalker Saga ones, but I sure would hate to never see Sunshine Rey again.
Ariel: Maybe she'll get a Disney Plus show.
Sasha: Well if it's as good as the Mandalorian, that would be fantastic.
Ariel: Oh boy. The Mandalorian ... are we going to write more about that one now that the season is over?
Sasha: Not tonight!
Ariel: Definitely not. Okay, then, everybody out there can dig their way out from under that giant pile of blankets and stuff now.
Sasha: Um, pretty sure if they put on their spoiler bedding megastore, they're not reading anymore to know they can take it off.
Ariel: Yikes! I hope I didn't suffocate any of them!
Sasha: I'm sure they're fine.
Ariel: So it did end up being Episode Fine!
Sasha: Sure, let's go with that.
Ariel and Sasha: Goodnight everybody, and may the Force be with you!
Thursday, December 19, 2019
Ariel and Sasha Experience ... The Last Jedi!
Ariel: Okay.
Sasha: Okay.
Ariel: Okay, then.
Sasha: Yes, okay. Are you ready?
Ariel: I hope so!
Sasha:Aannnd ...
Ariel: Please don't hate us, but we liked this movie!
Sasha: It's true. We liked it a lot.
Ariel: And we've heard that not only do some people not like it, they don't like it so much, they're mean to other people when they find out the other people like it.
Sasha: Which I would totally call b.s. on if our source for this information wasn't pretty good.
Ariel: Unimpeachable!
Sasha: Careful. That's another word that apparently heats up the conversation these days.
Ariel: Sigh. Why are people so mean?
Sasha: I'm guessing some of it is the whole "forget the past" business Helm Solo keeps going on about in this film.
Ariel: Haha, "Helm Solo!" Of course, he doesn't wear his helmet much in this one.
Sasha: Just enough so I could use the nickname, and I'm sticking with it.
Ariel: Holy moly, I just realized since we skipped the last movie we have a whole crew of new characters to nickname!
Sasha: Maybe we shouldn't have skipped it, because I just realized Helm Solo's dad could have been called "Han So-Old" in the last movie.
Ariel: Oh wow. We're going to have to go back at some point because that's too much of a lost opportunity.
Sasha: Maybe after we see the new one today.
Ariel: o ... M ... G!!! Do not remind me because I so can't wait!
Sasha: Only you have to.
Ariel: Aaagh!
Sasha: But while we're waiting we can talk about the Last Jedi, right?
Ariel: Or about what a bummer it is people don't like it.
Sasha: Ehh. That's not the bummer, because people don't like every Star Wars movie.
Ariel: True. We weren't big fans of Episode Ai-Yai-Yai.
Sasha: Or Re-Teddy-Bear of the Jedi.
Ariel: But we didn't hate them. Or hate people who like them.
Sasha: The whole hating bit is so weird.
Ariel: It's like, almost every one of these movies has somebody saying, "Look guys, hating is bad. Don't do it." And then these people who say they're giganto fans of the movies are all, "GROWLLL!!! I HATE THIS MOVIE AND THE GUY WHO DIRECTED IT AND I THINK EVERYBODY WHO LIKES IT IS A BONEHEAD!!!"
Sasha: Kind of makes them sound like big babies who don't understand the point of the movies.
Ariel: Right?
Sasha: Only I don't want to lay into them too hard or I'll start sounding just like they do.
Ariel: Except girlier, because they're all dudes.
Sasha: SO totally weird! These guys go around insisting that this movie is terrible on every level, but girl fans don't seem to be nearly as bothered by it.
Ariel: Yeah! And the hater dudes don't notice there aren't any women jumping all over it the same way. You'd think that would clue them in that they are taking an extreme position.
Sasha: Sure, if people taking extreme positions ever got clued in about it. But I'm not sure being able to analyze whether you're being extreme is a quality most extreme people have.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Yeesh. Okay, let's just talk about the movie, because this stuff is giving me a stomach ache.
Ariel: Oh no! Your poor tum-tums!
Sasha: I think I'll be fine once we get going on what a good movie this was.
Ariel: The best! I mean, maybe not literally the best, because I think Episode Ivy kinda stuck that landing. But very best-like.
Sasha: What did you like about it so much?
Ariel: First off, I know she didn't appear in this one first, but Rey is is so super-awesome in this movie.
Sasha: Not quite as sunshine-y as she was in the last movie.
Ariel: No, but still sunshine-y enough, even on that rainy cloudy island. I mean, so many things happen to her that would just bust most people, but she keeps hold of her sunny attitude anyway.
Sasha: Do you think that's why they called her "Rey"?
Ariel: Ooh! I bet you're right!
Sasha: She pretty much just won't quit.
Ariel: Unlike Farmboy Luke. Although he's not much of a farmboy any more.
Sasha: A little on the old side to be called a boy.
Ariel: He does milk some sea cows though.
Sasha: Maybe we can call him Lactose Luke.
Ariel: Luketose.
Sasha: Yes!
Ariel: He's a downer through a lot of this movie.
Sasha: Dairy-wise, I'd call him sour cream.
Ariel: It was sad at the start to see how he'd given up.
Sasha: Not that big a surprise, though. I mean, he gave up three different times in Re-Teddy Bear of the Jedi. First to the teddy bears, then to Darth Vader, then to Emperor Prunepatine when he throws down his lightsaber at the end.
Ariel: He does do a lot of quitting in those old movies. I mean, on his way to not quitting.
Sasha: That's what makes him so great! He's waaaay less of an optimist than Sunshine Rey, but he always comes round and does the right thing and wins.
Ariel: And in such a BIG way this movie!
Sasha: Yep. He made Helm Solo look like a doof from halfway across the galaxy, he saved everybody, and personally, I think he was helping out when Sunshine Rey was moving all those rocks out of the way.
Ariel: She did look kinda surprised that it worked so well.
Sasha: And even while he's being mister sour cream, bits of Farmboy Luke still float to the top now and then.
Ariel: Like when he sees the Rolling Bleepster the first time!
Sasha: And when he tells Sunshine Rey her homeworld is pretty much nowhere.
Ariel: And when he whacks her with the big blade of grass.
Sasha: Sort of a grasssaber instead of a lightsaber.
Ariel: Haha, yes!
Sasha: Good times.
Ariel: I also looooved all the Force phone call scenes between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo.
Sasha: "Do you have a cowl or something you could put on?"
Ariel: Haha! And then when they're in the hut and she's trying to make him turn good again ... I was like, "That's not going to work really is it? He's so bad!"
Sasha: Which, you were right. It didn't work.
Ariel: OMG, but the other "That's not going to work really" moment was even better. When he was turning the lightsaber on the arm of Leader Supreme's chair ...
Sasha: I know! I was thinking, "No way. No way would they kill off the big bad guy like that!" But they did!
Ariel: It was awesome. Plus, that guy was terrible.
Sasha: A real jerk.
Ariel: Who put him in charge?
Sasha: Probably he put himself in charge. I think that's how most jerks get in charge.
Ariel: I am thankfully ignorant about most details of how jerks work.
Sasha: Me too. What else do we need to talk about?
Ariel: Porgs!
Sasha: Hahaha, "Squaaawk!"
Ariel: Baby Yoda beats porgs for cuteness, but it's close.
Sasha: Even poor Shower-Buddy Monkey couldn't resist them.
Ariel: Oh! Speaking of Shower-Buddy Monkey, he is awesome in this movie too!
Sasha: I love when Sunshine Rey is trying to figure out what he should tell Effin' Stormtrooper if he sees him, and Shower-Buddy Monkey comes up with the right think to say before she does.
Ariel: Lots of respect for Shower-Buddy Monkey in this movie.
Sasha: For sure. Okay, are we done?
Ariel: Probably not, but if we don't wrap it up, we'll just keep talking and miss the movie tonight!
Sasha: Yeah, we do have a lot of getting ready to do. What are you going as again?
Ariel: It's a secret. "Squaaawk!" Haha! How about you?
Sasha: I still haven't got a costume put together. I may just have to borrow one of the B.F.'s Star Wars t-shirts.
Ariel: He does have a lot of them to spare.
Sasha: Practically half the closet.
Ariel: You'd better start trying to pick one!
Sasha: Okay, off we go.
Ariel and Sasha: Bye everybody!
Sasha: Okay.
Ariel: Okay, then.
Sasha: Yes, okay. Are you ready?
Ariel: I hope so!
Sasha:Aannnd ...
Ariel: Please don't hate us, but we liked this movie!
Sasha: It's true. We liked it a lot.
Ariel: And we've heard that not only do some people not like it, they don't like it so much, they're mean to other people when they find out the other people like it.
Sasha: Which I would totally call b.s. on if our source for this information wasn't pretty good.
Ariel: Unimpeachable!
Sasha: Careful. That's another word that apparently heats up the conversation these days.
Ariel: Sigh. Why are people so mean?
Sasha: I'm guessing some of it is the whole "forget the past" business Helm Solo keeps going on about in this film.
Ariel: Haha, "Helm Solo!" Of course, he doesn't wear his helmet much in this one.
Sasha: Just enough so I could use the nickname, and I'm sticking with it.
Ariel: Holy moly, I just realized since we skipped the last movie we have a whole crew of new characters to nickname!
Sasha: Maybe we shouldn't have skipped it, because I just realized Helm Solo's dad could have been called "Han So-Old" in the last movie.
Ariel: Oh wow. We're going to have to go back at some point because that's too much of a lost opportunity.
Sasha: Maybe after we see the new one today.
Ariel: o ... M ... G!!! Do not remind me because I so can't wait!
Sasha: Only you have to.
Ariel: Aaagh!
Sasha: But while we're waiting we can talk about the Last Jedi, right?
Ariel: Or about what a bummer it is people don't like it.
Sasha: Ehh. That's not the bummer, because people don't like every Star Wars movie.
Ariel: True. We weren't big fans of Episode Ai-Yai-Yai.
Sasha: Or Re-Teddy-Bear of the Jedi.
Ariel: But we didn't hate them. Or hate people who like them.
Sasha: The whole hating bit is so weird.
Ariel: It's like, almost every one of these movies has somebody saying, "Look guys, hating is bad. Don't do it." And then these people who say they're giganto fans of the movies are all, "GROWLLL!!! I HATE THIS MOVIE AND THE GUY WHO DIRECTED IT AND I THINK EVERYBODY WHO LIKES IT IS A BONEHEAD!!!"
Sasha: Kind of makes them sound like big babies who don't understand the point of the movies.
Ariel: Right?
Sasha: Only I don't want to lay into them too hard or I'll start sounding just like they do.
Ariel: Except girlier, because they're all dudes.
Sasha: SO totally weird! These guys go around insisting that this movie is terrible on every level, but girl fans don't seem to be nearly as bothered by it.
Ariel: Yeah! And the hater dudes don't notice there aren't any women jumping all over it the same way. You'd think that would clue them in that they are taking an extreme position.
Sasha: Sure, if people taking extreme positions ever got clued in about it. But I'm not sure being able to analyze whether you're being extreme is a quality most extreme people have.
Ariel: True.
Sasha: Yeesh. Okay, let's just talk about the movie, because this stuff is giving me a stomach ache.
Ariel: Oh no! Your poor tum-tums!
Sasha: I think I'll be fine once we get going on what a good movie this was.
Ariel: The best! I mean, maybe not literally the best, because I think Episode Ivy kinda stuck that landing. But very best-like.
Sasha: What did you like about it so much?
Ariel: First off, I know she didn't appear in this one first, but Rey is is so super-awesome in this movie.
Sasha: Not quite as sunshine-y as she was in the last movie.
Ariel: No, but still sunshine-y enough, even on that rainy cloudy island. I mean, so many things happen to her that would just bust most people, but she keeps hold of her sunny attitude anyway.
Sasha: Do you think that's why they called her "Rey"?
Ariel: Ooh! I bet you're right!
Sasha: She pretty much just won't quit.
Ariel: Unlike Farmboy Luke. Although he's not much of a farmboy any more.
Sasha: A little on the old side to be called a boy.
Ariel: He does milk some sea cows though.
Sasha: Maybe we can call him Lactose Luke.
Ariel: Luketose.
Sasha: Yes!
Ariel: He's a downer through a lot of this movie.
Sasha: Dairy-wise, I'd call him sour cream.
Ariel: It was sad at the start to see how he'd given up.
Sasha: Not that big a surprise, though. I mean, he gave up three different times in Re-Teddy Bear of the Jedi. First to the teddy bears, then to Darth Vader, then to Emperor Prunepatine when he throws down his lightsaber at the end.
Ariel: He does do a lot of quitting in those old movies. I mean, on his way to not quitting.
Sasha: That's what makes him so great! He's waaaay less of an optimist than Sunshine Rey, but he always comes round and does the right thing and wins.
Ariel: And in such a BIG way this movie!
Sasha: Yep. He made Helm Solo look like a doof from halfway across the galaxy, he saved everybody, and personally, I think he was helping out when Sunshine Rey was moving all those rocks out of the way.
Ariel: She did look kinda surprised that it worked so well.
Sasha: And even while he's being mister sour cream, bits of Farmboy Luke still float to the top now and then.
Ariel: Like when he sees the Rolling Bleepster the first time!
Sasha: And when he tells Sunshine Rey her homeworld is pretty much nowhere.
Ariel: And when he whacks her with the big blade of grass.
Sasha: Sort of a grasssaber instead of a lightsaber.
Ariel: Haha, yes!
Sasha: Good times.
Ariel: I also looooved all the Force phone call scenes between Sunshine Rey and Helm Solo.
Sasha: "Do you have a cowl or something you could put on?"
Ariel: Haha! And then when they're in the hut and she's trying to make him turn good again ... I was like, "That's not going to work really is it? He's so bad!"
Sasha: Which, you were right. It didn't work.
Ariel: OMG, but the other "That's not going to work really" moment was even better. When he was turning the lightsaber on the arm of Leader Supreme's chair ...
Sasha: I know! I was thinking, "No way. No way would they kill off the big bad guy like that!" But they did!
Ariel: It was awesome. Plus, that guy was terrible.
Sasha: A real jerk.
Ariel: Who put him in charge?
Sasha: Probably he put himself in charge. I think that's how most jerks get in charge.
Ariel: I am thankfully ignorant about most details of how jerks work.
Sasha: Me too. What else do we need to talk about?
Ariel: Porgs!
Sasha: Hahaha, "Squaaawk!"
Ariel: Baby Yoda beats porgs for cuteness, but it's close.
Sasha: Even poor Shower-Buddy Monkey couldn't resist them.
Ariel: Oh! Speaking of Shower-Buddy Monkey, he is awesome in this movie too!
Sasha: I love when Sunshine Rey is trying to figure out what he should tell Effin' Stormtrooper if he sees him, and Shower-Buddy Monkey comes up with the right think to say before she does.
Ariel: Lots of respect for Shower-Buddy Monkey in this movie.
Sasha: For sure. Okay, are we done?
Ariel: Probably not, but if we don't wrap it up, we'll just keep talking and miss the movie tonight!
Sasha: Yeah, we do have a lot of getting ready to do. What are you going as again?
Ariel: It's a secret. "Squaaawk!" Haha! How about you?
Sasha: I still haven't got a costume put together. I may just have to borrow one of the B.F.'s Star Wars t-shirts.
Ariel: He does have a lot of them to spare.
Sasha: Practically half the closet.
Ariel: You'd better start trying to pick one!
Sasha: Okay, off we go.
Ariel and Sasha: Bye everybody!
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Ariel and Sasha Experience ... The Mandalorian!
Sasha: Hi, everybody! Recently, someone put in a request for us to review The Mandalorian. Obviously, the first thing for us to say is --
Ariel: There's a baby Yoda!
Sasha: Well, I was kind of thinking we ought to give people our standard blanket spoiler warning.
Ariel: Normally I'd agree but if that news spoils something for somebody it's because they never ever ever at all look at the internet, which means they're not actually reading this now, so it didn't actually spoil anything, and also THERE'S A BABY YODA.
Sasha: Okay, okay. Let's go ahead and cut to the chase then and you can tell us how you feel about Baby Yoda.
Ariel: He's a baby! And. He. Looks. Like. YODA.
Sasha: Weren't you just saying last time you have mixed feelings about Yoda? I mean, usually we don't even use his real name.
Ariel: Yes, but no one would understand how cute he was if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad.
Sasha: Maybe they would understand because they've already seen his picture a gazillion times in memes all over social media?
Ariel: Sort of, but it would make it way harder for me to express how cute he is. Like, if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad, I couldn't make it sound like this: BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!
Sasha: That's certainly true.
Ariel: Baby Yoda.
Sasha: Um ... I don't know if this is what they meant when they said they were looking forward to us reviewing The Mandalorian.
Ariel: Probably not, but Baby Yoda.
Sasha: It's, you know, a Star Wars show about a bounty hunter ...
Ariel: And a Baby Yoda.
Sasha: ... with lots of action, and really good special effects ...
Ariel: OMG, the Baby Yoda puppet. It is The Best Special Effect Ever.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry. Go ahead.
Sasha: I think pretty much the whole universe agrees that it's obviously being made by people who have a major love of Star Wars --
Ariel: Which should be everybody! I mean, how could you not love something with Baby Yoda in it?
Sasha: I give up. Yes, Baby Yoda is adorable.
Ariel: I know, right???
Sasha: The cutest thing I have ever seen, maybe.
Ariel: Well ... I wouldn't say that.
Sasha: You wouldn't?
Ariel: Of course not, duh! Why would I say "maybe"?
Sasha: Oh. I get it.
Ariel: Baby Yoda is DEFINITELY the cutest thing I have ever seen!
Sasha: I said I got it, didn't I?
Ariel: Yes. Sorry. Am I getting too carried away with this?
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I said I was sorry already, didn't I? I can't help it. I'm sorry.
Sasha: All right, thank you.
Ariel: He's just sooooo cute!!!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry! Please, really, go on!
Sasha: (takes a breath)
Ariel: baby yoda
Sasha: We'll see you next time, folks.
Ariel: There's a baby Yoda!
Sasha: Well, I was kind of thinking we ought to give people our standard blanket spoiler warning.
Ariel: Normally I'd agree but if that news spoils something for somebody it's because they never ever ever at all look at the internet, which means they're not actually reading this now, so it didn't actually spoil anything, and also THERE'S A BABY YODA.
Sasha: Okay, okay. Let's go ahead and cut to the chase then and you can tell us how you feel about Baby Yoda.
Ariel: He's a baby! And. He. Looks. Like. YODA.
Sasha: Weren't you just saying last time you have mixed feelings about Yoda? I mean, usually we don't even use his real name.
Ariel: Yes, but no one would understand how cute he was if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad.
Sasha: Maybe they would understand because they've already seen his picture a gazillion times in memes all over social media?
Ariel: Sort of, but it would make it way harder for me to express how cute he is. Like, if I called him Baby Wise Old Gnome-Toad, I couldn't make it sound like this: BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!BabyYoda!
Sasha: That's certainly true.
Ariel: Baby Yoda.
Sasha: Um ... I don't know if this is what they meant when they said they were looking forward to us reviewing The Mandalorian.
Ariel: Probably not, but Baby Yoda.
Sasha: It's, you know, a Star Wars show about a bounty hunter ...
Ariel: And a Baby Yoda.
Sasha: ... with lots of action, and really good special effects ...
Ariel: OMG, the Baby Yoda puppet. It is The Best Special Effect Ever.
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry. Go ahead.
Sasha: I think pretty much the whole universe agrees that it's obviously being made by people who have a major love of Star Wars --
Ariel: Which should be everybody! I mean, how could you not love something with Baby Yoda in it?
Sasha: I give up. Yes, Baby Yoda is adorable.
Ariel: I know, right???
Sasha: The cutest thing I have ever seen, maybe.
Ariel: Well ... I wouldn't say that.
Sasha: You wouldn't?
Ariel: Of course not, duh! Why would I say "maybe"?
Sasha: Oh. I get it.
Ariel: Baby Yoda is DEFINITELY the cutest thing I have ever seen!
Sasha: I said I got it, didn't I?
Ariel: Yes. Sorry. Am I getting too carried away with this?
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I said I was sorry already, didn't I? I can't help it. I'm sorry.
Sasha: All right, thank you.
Ariel: He's just sooooo cute!!!
Sasha: ...
Ariel: Sorry! Please, really, go on!
Sasha: (takes a breath)
Ariel: baby yoda
Sasha: We'll see you next time, folks.
Saturday, December 7, 2019
Sasha and Ariel Experience ... Finishing Another Star Wars Trilogy!
Sasha: Okay. That's eight movies and two trilogies down, only two more movies to go before we're ready for the new movie later this month!
Ariel: Whew, it's a lot of movies. I'm glad we're not trying to watch all those shows in order first too!
Sasha: So many shows now that we have Disney+!
Ariel: Literally all the shows.
Sasha: All the Star Wars shows, you mean.
Ariel: How was that not obvious?
Sasha: Just checking.
Ariel: You know what else is obvious? We're starting to really pile up a lot of these Star Wars experiences!
Sasha: Yes! I even made a link list over on the right so people could read them in order if they want to.
Ariel: You're amazing. All our three fans will love you for that.
Sasha: Thanks!
Ariel: So what's our take on these last two movies in the "Original Trilogy," as I am told people call it?
Sasha: Liked them, didn't love them.
Ariel: Yeah, kinda me too. Star Wars: Empiresode V - Here Comes More Bad Advice From Wise Old Gnome-Toad was pretty good, but Star Wars: Episode VI - Everybody Goes a Little Stupid had some issues.
Sasha: Lots of good Shiny Butler Bot and Rolling Bleepster in both of them, though.
Ariel: Yes. Those guys rock.
Sasha: Also a pretty good job by this new guy playing Lando. He got the character's way of speaking right on the nose from how he talked in Solo ... at least most of the time.
Ariel: A little smarmier, though.
Sasha: Yeah, I would definitely hop on Solo Lando a lot quicker than I'd go for Oldo Lando.
Ariel: Oldo Lando should have kept the beard.
Sasha: I agree.
Ariel: It was also a way downhill slide for Han Solo. I mean, Solo Solo was awesome and funny, and then Grump Solo from Episode Ivy was still pretty funny --
Sasha: If grumpy.
Ariel: Yeah, and then Always-In-A-Jam Solo from Empiresode V made some good progress back toward Solo Solo. But ... in the last movie, I don't even know what to call him.
Sasha: He was so lame and hammy!
Ariel: Ham Solo.
Sasha: Watch! I'm in a forest trying to sneak up on a guy and oops! I didn't think there might be sticks on the ground!
Ariel: Also, when in charge of an ultra-important sabotage mission, I'm not going to have anybody bring walkie-talkies or anything.
Sasha: Walkie-talkies! Those would have helped so much.
Ariel: Plus, I'm going to not take these little furry guys seriously because they're little, even when they have a freaking spear pointed right in my face.
Sasha: Dumb and also kinda a little racist. I was almost hoping they would poke him.
Ariel: Ham Solo is pretty tough to love. I don't know what Cinnabon-hair Girl sees in him. At least Always-In-A-Jam Solo kept getting them out of jams.
Sasha: And had hand massage skills.
Ariel: Ooh, right! Maybe I should call him Hand-rub Solo in that movie. It's fewer letters and fewer hyphens to type.
Sasha: You're such a lazy girl.
Ariel: If I was a Star Wars character I'd probably be all fat and immobile like Jabba the Hutt.
Sasha: Ew.
Ariel: But on the plus side, I'd have a really long and maneuverable tongue!
Sasha: Still not worth it. The slime on that tongue!
Ariel: You've got a point.
Sasha: Thanks. Now where were we?
Ariel: I don't know. We seem to be kind of free-forming it.
Sasha: Do we want to talk about the Hoodie Bears?
Ariel: Ugh, those bears! I was like, could you please be either a little cuter or a lot bearish-er?
Sasha: I thought they were pretty cute.
Ariel: Sure, but the only thing I really believed they were killing was the suspense in the big final battle.
Sasha: That's true. They didn't show much mercy to the sense of tension there.
Ariel: It was like, "We know there have been eight exciting movies of excitement before this (at least their big action finales were always exciting), and you know what would make the stakes seem really really high right now? Teddy bears!"
Sasha: Although I'm pretty sure they had only made two movies before this one, even though we've watched eight.
Ariel: Well that's even worse, because those last two movies had way less cuteness than this one, especially Empiresode V. I mean, honestly, at least Rabbit-Ear Fart Joke Frog Guy from the first couple movies seemed like he was unusually not-threatening for a frog guy. The Hoodie Bears ... how less threatening could you be?
Sasha: I'm not arguing with you, but let's move on. How did you feel about the Wise Old Gnome-Toad in these ones?
Ariel: My emotions were mixed. Maybe even blended or frappéed. On the Episode One hand, he was much funnier when he came back and harassed Farmboy Luke on Swamp Planet. But on the Episode Two hand, he was not as badass by a long shot. Did he not ever make himself another lightsaber after he lost his old one? "Whoops, Big Space Politician kicked my ass, guess I'll never be needing to swordfight anybody ever again."
Sasha: I wondered about that too. But maybe he forgot to bring any tools with him when he left the world's worst maternity ward at the end of Episode Ai-yai-yai.
Ariel: True. And on the Episode Three hand, he and Oldster Jesus already pretty much proved they weren't the dudes to beat Big Space Politician.
Sasha: Right. Even with all that wisdom, Wise Old Gnome-Toad couldn't figure out that Farmboy Luke had the one thing the old-school Jedi didn't have.
Ariel: The hots for his sister?
Sasha: No, not that. I mean actually caring enough about people that he would break the rules to save them.
Ariel: Pretty sure he was ready to break some rules with Cinnabon-hair Girl in Episode Ivy.
Sasha: It did seem that way.
Ariel: So what else do we need to talk about?
Sasha: "I am a Jedi like my father before me."
Ariel: OMG. Best line in any movie ever.
Sasha: I know! Remember how sad we were after Episode Ai-yai-yai when Teen Hottie turned into Darth Vader?
Ariel: That was the worst.
Sasha: But then in the very end, Farmboy Luke reminds him who he really was, and Teen Hottie comes back just long enough to kill Big Space Politician.
Ariel: Well, more like Pale Scarry appears just in time to kill Big Space Politician.
Sasha: Teen Hottie, Pale Scarry, whatever. Just for a little bit he was back to being our hero from the first three movies.
Ariel: And he made up for everything by taking down his boss!
Sasha: Maybe not everything.
Ariel: I guess not the kid killing part.
Sasha: No, pretty hard to make up for that.
Ariel: Or the helping Big Space Politician win the whole war part.
Sasha: Definitely it would have been better if he'd skipped right to killing Big Space Politician at the end of Episode Ai-yai-yai.
Ariel: Also hard to forgive him for probably ordering Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru to be barbecued.
Sasha: Berubecued. But we don't know he actually told the stormtroopers to do that.
Ariel: Haha, Berubecued! That's a good one. Well ... at least until I think about them both all crispy-cooked. Anyway, he was giving the orders in general, and the orders definitely had a "No witnesses!" bit to them.
Sasha: Yeah, I guess that makes him directly responsible even if he didn't know the details of Owen and Beru being included. What did you think about him being there as one of the angels at the end?
Ariel: That part was great! It was like, "Oh, so happy! Everybody's together again!" But also like, "Ha-ha, you guys screwed me over the whole time I was growing up and got my mom and sort of my wife killed because you didn't want to let me have a mom or a wife, and now I get to spend forever looking young and hot while you two are all old-ified and crusty."
Sasha: Good ending, for sure.
Ariel: Is that all, then? I mean, I guess talking about the ending is a good place to finish off.
Sasha: Sure. The end is as good a place to finish off as any, I guess.
Ariel: "That's what she said!"
Sasha: Ugh. I wish you had never learned that joke.
Ariel: Don't worry. I'm sure that's probably the last Star-Wars-related thing I'll try to make sound naughty. It's not like these movies give you a lot to work with as far as double meanings go.
Sasha: Okay. I guess I won't hold this one against you, then.
Ariel: Haha, "That's what --"
Sasha: DON'T!
Ariel: Whew, it's a lot of movies. I'm glad we're not trying to watch all those shows in order first too!
Sasha: So many shows now that we have Disney+!
Ariel: Literally all the shows.
Sasha: All the Star Wars shows, you mean.
Ariel: How was that not obvious?
Sasha: Just checking.
Ariel: You know what else is obvious? We're starting to really pile up a lot of these Star Wars experiences!
Sasha: Yes! I even made a link list over on the right so people could read them in order if they want to.
Ariel: You're amazing. All our three fans will love you for that.
Sasha: Thanks!
Ariel: So what's our take on these last two movies in the "Original Trilogy," as I am told people call it?
Sasha: Liked them, didn't love them.
Ariel: Yeah, kinda me too. Star Wars: Empiresode V - Here Comes More Bad Advice From Wise Old Gnome-Toad was pretty good, but Star Wars: Episode VI - Everybody Goes a Little Stupid had some issues.
Sasha: Lots of good Shiny Butler Bot and Rolling Bleepster in both of them, though.
Ariel: Yes. Those guys rock.
Sasha: Also a pretty good job by this new guy playing Lando. He got the character's way of speaking right on the nose from how he talked in Solo ... at least most of the time.
Ariel: A little smarmier, though.
Sasha: Yeah, I would definitely hop on Solo Lando a lot quicker than I'd go for Oldo Lando.
Ariel: Oldo Lando should have kept the beard.
Sasha: I agree.
Ariel: It was also a way downhill slide for Han Solo. I mean, Solo Solo was awesome and funny, and then Grump Solo from Episode Ivy was still pretty funny --
Sasha: If grumpy.
Ariel: Yeah, and then Always-In-A-Jam Solo from Empiresode V made some good progress back toward Solo Solo. But ... in the last movie, I don't even know what to call him.
Sasha: He was so lame and hammy!
Ariel: Ham Solo.
Sasha: Watch! I'm in a forest trying to sneak up on a guy and oops! I didn't think there might be sticks on the ground!
Ariel: Also, when in charge of an ultra-important sabotage mission, I'm not going to have anybody bring walkie-talkies or anything.
Sasha: Walkie-talkies! Those would have helped so much.
Ariel: Plus, I'm going to not take these little furry guys seriously because they're little, even when they have a freaking spear pointed right in my face.
Sasha: Dumb and also kinda a little racist. I was almost hoping they would poke him.
Ariel: Ham Solo is pretty tough to love. I don't know what Cinnabon-hair Girl sees in him. At least Always-In-A-Jam Solo kept getting them out of jams.
Sasha: And had hand massage skills.
Ariel: Ooh, right! Maybe I should call him Hand-rub Solo in that movie. It's fewer letters and fewer hyphens to type.
Sasha: You're such a lazy girl.
Ariel: If I was a Star Wars character I'd probably be all fat and immobile like Jabba the Hutt.
Sasha: Ew.
Ariel: But on the plus side, I'd have a really long and maneuverable tongue!
Sasha: Still not worth it. The slime on that tongue!
Ariel: You've got a point.
Sasha: Thanks. Now where were we?
Ariel: I don't know. We seem to be kind of free-forming it.
Sasha: Do we want to talk about the Hoodie Bears?
Ariel: Ugh, those bears! I was like, could you please be either a little cuter or a lot bearish-er?
Sasha: I thought they were pretty cute.
Ariel: Sure, but the only thing I really believed they were killing was the suspense in the big final battle.
Sasha: That's true. They didn't show much mercy to the sense of tension there.
Ariel: It was like, "We know there have been eight exciting movies of excitement before this (at least their big action finales were always exciting), and you know what would make the stakes seem really really high right now? Teddy bears!"
Sasha: Although I'm pretty sure they had only made two movies before this one, even though we've watched eight.
Ariel: Well that's even worse, because those last two movies had way less cuteness than this one, especially Empiresode V. I mean, honestly, at least Rabbit-Ear Fart Joke Frog Guy from the first couple movies seemed like he was unusually not-threatening for a frog guy. The Hoodie Bears ... how less threatening could you be?
Sasha: I'm not arguing with you, but let's move on. How did you feel about the Wise Old Gnome-Toad in these ones?
Ariel: My emotions were mixed. Maybe even blended or frappéed. On the Episode One hand, he was much funnier when he came back and harassed Farmboy Luke on Swamp Planet. But on the Episode Two hand, he was not as badass by a long shot. Did he not ever make himself another lightsaber after he lost his old one? "Whoops, Big Space Politician kicked my ass, guess I'll never be needing to swordfight anybody ever again."
Sasha: I wondered about that too. But maybe he forgot to bring any tools with him when he left the world's worst maternity ward at the end of Episode Ai-yai-yai.
Ariel: True. And on the Episode Three hand, he and Oldster Jesus already pretty much proved they weren't the dudes to beat Big Space Politician.
Sasha: Right. Even with all that wisdom, Wise Old Gnome-Toad couldn't figure out that Farmboy Luke had the one thing the old-school Jedi didn't have.
Ariel: The hots for his sister?
Sasha: No, not that. I mean actually caring enough about people that he would break the rules to save them.
Ariel: Pretty sure he was ready to break some rules with Cinnabon-hair Girl in Episode Ivy.
Sasha: It did seem that way.
Ariel: So what else do we need to talk about?
Sasha: "I am a Jedi like my father before me."
Ariel: OMG. Best line in any movie ever.
Sasha: I know! Remember how sad we were after Episode Ai-yai-yai when Teen Hottie turned into Darth Vader?
Ariel: That was the worst.
Sasha: But then in the very end, Farmboy Luke reminds him who he really was, and Teen Hottie comes back just long enough to kill Big Space Politician.
Ariel: Well, more like Pale Scarry appears just in time to kill Big Space Politician.
Sasha: Teen Hottie, Pale Scarry, whatever. Just for a little bit he was back to being our hero from the first three movies.
Ariel: And he made up for everything by taking down his boss!
Sasha: Maybe not everything.
Ariel: I guess not the kid killing part.
Sasha: No, pretty hard to make up for that.
Ariel: Or the helping Big Space Politician win the whole war part.
Sasha: Definitely it would have been better if he'd skipped right to killing Big Space Politician at the end of Episode Ai-yai-yai.
Ariel: Also hard to forgive him for probably ordering Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru to be barbecued.
Sasha: Berubecued. But we don't know he actually told the stormtroopers to do that.
Ariel: Haha, Berubecued! That's a good one. Well ... at least until I think about them both all crispy-cooked. Anyway, he was giving the orders in general, and the orders definitely had a "No witnesses!" bit to them.
Sasha: Yeah, I guess that makes him directly responsible even if he didn't know the details of Owen and Beru being included. What did you think about him being there as one of the angels at the end?
Ariel: That part was great! It was like, "Oh, so happy! Everybody's together again!" But also like, "Ha-ha, you guys screwed me over the whole time I was growing up and got my mom and sort of my wife killed because you didn't want to let me have a mom or a wife, and now I get to spend forever looking young and hot while you two are all old-ified and crusty."
Sasha: Good ending, for sure.
Ariel: Is that all, then? I mean, I guess talking about the ending is a good place to finish off.
Sasha: Sure. The end is as good a place to finish off as any, I guess.
Ariel: "That's what she said!"
Sasha: Ugh. I wish you had never learned that joke.
Ariel: Don't worry. I'm sure that's probably the last Star-Wars-related thing I'll try to make sound naughty. It's not like these movies give you a lot to work with as far as double meanings go.
Sasha: Okay. I guess I won't hold this one against you, then.
Ariel: Haha, "That's what --"
Sasha: DON'T!
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Ariel and Sasha Experience ... Hocus Pocus by Focus!
Ariel: What. Did. We. Just. Hear?
Sasha: That was one crazy song.
Ariel: So completely nutso!
Sasha: Let me tell you, those 1970s ... just ... what a weird time.
Ariel: The weirdest. Or maybe not the weirdest, but soooo weird.
Sasha: You can't rank that kind of weird. When you get that weird, there's no number one and number two or most weirdest and second most weirdest.
Ariel: It's like, how weird is that thing? Rank it on weirdness, is it 1970s rock weird or is it rutabaga doorknob weird?
Sasha: Exactly.
Ariel: How do we even talk about a song like this?
Sasha: I say we just put it on and let it rip.
Ariel: Sure, why not?
Sasha: Okay, I'm making a link.
Ariel: Awesome, you're great at that and I'm happy to let you do the work.
Sasha: Done.
Ariel: So here we go. Cue guitar number one making crunchy hard-rock chords.
Sasha: Yep. And here comes guitar number two crunching away at the same time. Plus drums!
Ariel: So much crunching, but they're not done adding guitars yet!
Sasha: I guess they were thinking, you know what this chord pattern needs? Another guitar!
Ariel: Then they were like, that did the trick! And bass ... go!
Sasha: Do-dee-dee-dee-dee, do-dee-dee-dee-dee! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch-crunch!
Ariel: Chord change!
Sasha: Crunch! Crunch! Crunchhhh!
Ariel: Do-do-do-dee-dee ...
Sasha: Crunch! Crunch! Crunchhhh!
Ariel: Do-do-do-dee-dee ...
Sasha: Pow! Drum smash!
Ariel: Drum solo!
Sasha: And ...
Ariel and Sasha: YODELING!
Sasha: WTF is yodeling doing in this hard rock song?
Ariel: I don't know, but here comes some more!
Sasha: You know what would top that off? Falsetto crescendo screaming!
Ariel: Then back to the crunchy chord stuff, crunch crunch crunch ...
Sasha: Another drum solo ...
Ariel: Yodeling passage ...
Sasha: Burning guitar solo!
Ariel: Whoa. It's like 15 years before Surfing with the Alien and this Hocus Pocus guitarist is as fast as Joe Satriani, easy!
Sasha: I never thought I would hear you say that.
Ariel: Me either!
Sasha: Solo, solo, solo, solo, and ...
Ariel: Another drum solo! How many drum solos can one song bear?
Sasha: I don't know, but it's probably time for more yodeling ...
Ariel: No! It's the singer singing like Popeye the Sailor hopped up on speed!
Sasha: What? Just ... what???
Ariel: The BF had to show me a Popeye the Sailor clip to explain this to me. But it does, it sounds exactly like a cranked-up Popeye.
Sasha: What did they put in that spinach?
Ariel: I don't know, but it freaking rocks. Now more crunchiness ... so much crunching!
Sasha: Plus a new drum solo.
Ariel: Yodeling again ... then ...
Sasha: Guitar solo number two!
Ariel: OMG, it's even faster and better than solo number one.
Sasha: But now the drummer is like, Oh, no you don't mister guitarist, I WILL maintain my lead in solo quantity! Boom! Bam, bam -- POW!
Ariel: And now there's flutes. Maniac-fast flutes all over the place!
Sasha: Flutes, flutes, flutes ... drum fill ... another crunchy section, another full drum solo ...
Ariel: Back to the yodeling ...
Sasha: Now guitar solo number three!
Ariel: There's a crowd going crazy in the background, it's such a ripping solo.
Sasha: And now the drummer is like, that's enough, you!
Ariel: More yodeling ... leading up to ...
Sasha: Bass solo! The bassist was like, please guys, can't I have a solo? Everybody else has had like, ten of them.
Ariel: And the band is like, okay, here's four seconds.
Sasha: No fair! But I'll show you, I'll play so many notes in these four seconds ...
Ariel: All the notes.
Sasha: There must be fifty notes in that solo.
Ariel: We must be nearing the end now, because there is insane laughter on top of the normal crunch-guitar pattern.
Sasha: Biggest drum solo yet ... and ...
Ariel: Giant final chord smash! Done!
Sasha: Okay, I'm scrolling back up to count how many drum solos that was.
Ariel: I'll wait.
Sasha: I think it was eight.
Ariel: That's like, more than one solo per minute.
Sasha: How are the drummer's arms still in their sockets?
Ariel: Magic? Maybe that's why it's called Hocus Pocus.
Sasha: The magic of 1970s rock and roll.
Ariel: Elle says the guitarist later released an album that was all 15th century lute music.
Sasha: Lute! We'll have to listen to that later.
Ariel: Way later. I'm exhausted.
Sasha: Let's sign off, then.
Ariel and Sasha: Bye, everybody!
Sasha: That was one crazy song.
Ariel: So completely nutso!
Sasha: Let me tell you, those 1970s ... just ... what a weird time.
Ariel: The weirdest. Or maybe not the weirdest, but soooo weird.
Sasha: You can't rank that kind of weird. When you get that weird, there's no number one and number two or most weirdest and second most weirdest.
Ariel: It's like, how weird is that thing? Rank it on weirdness, is it 1970s rock weird or is it rutabaga doorknob weird?
Sasha: Exactly.
Ariel: How do we even talk about a song like this?
Sasha: I say we just put it on and let it rip.
Ariel: Sure, why not?
Sasha: Okay, I'm making a link.
Ariel: Awesome, you're great at that and I'm happy to let you do the work.
Sasha: Done.
Ariel: So here we go. Cue guitar number one making crunchy hard-rock chords.
Sasha: Yep. And here comes guitar number two crunching away at the same time. Plus drums!
Ariel: So much crunching, but they're not done adding guitars yet!
Sasha: I guess they were thinking, you know what this chord pattern needs? Another guitar!
Ariel: Then they were like, that did the trick! And bass ... go!
Sasha: Do-dee-dee-dee-dee, do-dee-dee-dee-dee! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch-crunch!
Ariel: Chord change!
Sasha: Crunch! Crunch! Crunchhhh!
Ariel: Do-do-do-dee-dee ...
Sasha: Crunch! Crunch! Crunchhhh!
Ariel: Do-do-do-dee-dee ...
Sasha: Pow! Drum smash!
Ariel: Drum solo!
Sasha: And ...
Ariel and Sasha: YODELING!
Sasha: WTF is yodeling doing in this hard rock song?
Ariel: I don't know, but here comes some more!
Sasha: You know what would top that off? Falsetto crescendo screaming!
Ariel: Then back to the crunchy chord stuff, crunch crunch crunch ...
Sasha: Another drum solo ...
Ariel: Yodeling passage ...
Sasha: Burning guitar solo!
Ariel: Whoa. It's like 15 years before Surfing with the Alien and this Hocus Pocus guitarist is as fast as Joe Satriani, easy!
Sasha: I never thought I would hear you say that.
Ariel: Me either!
Sasha: Solo, solo, solo, solo, and ...
Ariel: Another drum solo! How many drum solos can one song bear?
Sasha: I don't know, but it's probably time for more yodeling ...
Ariel: No! It's the singer singing like Popeye the Sailor hopped up on speed!
Sasha: What? Just ... what???
Ariel: The BF had to show me a Popeye the Sailor clip to explain this to me. But it does, it sounds exactly like a cranked-up Popeye.
Sasha: What did they put in that spinach?
Ariel: I don't know, but it freaking rocks. Now more crunchiness ... so much crunching!
Sasha: Plus a new drum solo.
Ariel: Yodeling again ... then ...
Sasha: Guitar solo number two!
Ariel: OMG, it's even faster and better than solo number one.
Sasha: But now the drummer is like, Oh, no you don't mister guitarist, I WILL maintain my lead in solo quantity! Boom! Bam, bam -- POW!
Ariel: And now there's flutes. Maniac-fast flutes all over the place!
Sasha: Flutes, flutes, flutes ... drum fill ... another crunchy section, another full drum solo ...
Ariel: Back to the yodeling ...
Sasha: Now guitar solo number three!
Ariel: There's a crowd going crazy in the background, it's such a ripping solo.
Sasha: And now the drummer is like, that's enough, you!
Ariel: More yodeling ... leading up to ...
Sasha: Bass solo! The bassist was like, please guys, can't I have a solo? Everybody else has had like, ten of them.
Ariel: And the band is like, okay, here's four seconds.
Sasha: No fair! But I'll show you, I'll play so many notes in these four seconds ...
Ariel: All the notes.
Sasha: There must be fifty notes in that solo.
Ariel: We must be nearing the end now, because there is insane laughter on top of the normal crunch-guitar pattern.
Sasha: Biggest drum solo yet ... and ...
Ariel: Giant final chord smash! Done!
Sasha: Okay, I'm scrolling back up to count how many drum solos that was.
Ariel: I'll wait.
Sasha: I think it was eight.
Ariel: That's like, more than one solo per minute.
Sasha: How are the drummer's arms still in their sockets?
Ariel: Magic? Maybe that's why it's called Hocus Pocus.
Sasha: The magic of 1970s rock and roll.
Ariel: Elle says the guitarist later released an album that was all 15th century lute music.
Sasha: Lute! We'll have to listen to that later.
Ariel: Way later. I'm exhausted.
Sasha: Let's sign off, then.
Ariel and Sasha: Bye, everybody!
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